[Elisa015]

I signed up just to discuss this. I feel like I can't talk to my friends or family about this. I am 29 and he is 35.

We had been dating for 2.5 years, after the first year he moved in when things weren't going well for him.

He had a successful business for years that fell apart and left him in financial ruin. For that year, I supported us on my modest income and he did all the house chores/meals.

Two months after he moved in he sat me down started crying and told me he had herpes and never told me because he knew I would have never dated him if I had known (which is true).
I was devastated and outraged. I broke up with him for not having told me throughout the whole time we had been dating.

We got back together after slowly spending more time together. This year was one of our most difficult but also loving times for us both. We spent hours at night everyday talking about a lot of our lives that we never had opened up about to any one else. We were open and honest maybe even to a fault. We both were very in love and everyone around us always commented on how close and loving we were.

We both decided that things were not looking up for either of us in the city we were in despite both being highly educated.. the job market was oversaturated and we were unhappy there. We both decided to start fresh..move to a cheaper city together with more jobs. However, he first was going to spend time with his son in another state for the summer, as he always spends every summer with him and then every month he visits for a weekend.

I found out from a mutual close friend that when I left the city we lived in before him since I got a new high paying job quickly, he was in a bad place emotionally and felt insecure. Our friend told me he confessed to him that he started talking to a coworker on the phone and was considering sleeping with her. He was very promiscuous for over an entire year before we started dating but once we started dating he fell in love and said he didn't feel the need to be like that anymore. I told him if he was ever unfaithful our relationship would be over. I essentially was the first person he had a relationship with that wasn't casual sex since his divorce.

I feel completely devastated also because right before we moved out of my place to relocate,we spent the night at the beach and he proposed to me and said if we didn't have a life together he'd always feel I was the one that got away and that he didn't want to live without me.

Once I found out he almost cheated I completely lost it on the phone when we talked. I screamed at him not to contact me because I didn't want him anymore, told him he was immoral and a womanizing irresponsible scumbag. He started crying and said he couldn't speak to me about it anymore and got off the phone.

He hasn't contacted me, and I haven't talked to him for about a month. Everyday is a struggle to not talk to him, and I have many emotions about the whole situation. He is still visiting his son, but a mutual friend says he is deeply upset and still plans to move to the city I am in now to win me back and prove that I should trust him and that we should be together.

I know he didn't cheat, but in my mind he did,as he was struggling not to cheat with a woman that was very eager to sleep with him and considered doing so. I also feel like I put all the effort into our relationship because he always seemed cautious after his failed marriage and I'm worried that I may have his STD but have never had symptoms and always used protection.

I have blown up at him angrily numerous times while fighting and he has always said it is his biggest concern as far as our relationship for him. My anger has come from feeling taken for granted by him.

I feel very deeply for him, more than I have for anyone else I've had in my life and although I feel like it would be best to forget him, part of me feels like I will never have something as meaningful and unique as our relationship. I still am worried I'd be missing out.

I guess I am just looking for outside perspective on the situation and am venting as well. I feel like I've been in my head about it too much and I'm not in a good place at all mentally or emotionally. Work and running daily are the only things getting me through this. I'm trying to stay strong and walk away but then part of me wants him to prove me wrong.
sorry for the length of this post...

[sourpuss]

To me, it sounds like there is something else besides his 'almost cheating' that is keeping you from committing to making this work.
Ask yourself exactly why you feel taken for granted. I think if everything else in the relationship was as wonder as you say, then you'd be able to get past this one thing, he didn't cheat after all. So what else was going on to make this the final straw?

[Elisa015]

His finances are much more shaky than mine. Also I never got over the fact that he deceived me with not telling me about the STD, I considered this a betrayal and morally wrong. I have trust issues in general with people that he knew about from the start,and they got worse since I knew he had so much casual sex. I just have felt very insecure and concerned about being cheated on the whole time and I had never worried about that in prior relationships, but I never was truly in love before. The fact that I supported us for sometime as well, made me feel outraged that he could consider cheating, especially right when I left. I guess I question whether he can be a monogamous person and be reliable. I feel like I invested more than he did into our relationship and I don't want to end up married with kids and then find out he's cheated.

[sourpuss]

If it doesn't feel right, then it's probably not. Listen to your gut. You've listen several things that are a pretty big deal that you shouldn't just overlook.

[rcoreyus]

This doesn't sound like a good relationship. He hid something from you. You have a long term resentment for it. He was tempted, but resisted. You are angry that he almost failed to resist. I'm not going to worry about whose fault things are - its not important. It sounds like you are not happy together. Why continue - it seems you both would be happier outside of this relationship.

You don't need to be hostile in ending it - there is not point trying to prove who was right.

[Hopeless Dork]

I think you handeling all the finances, take caring of him ... can lead to a false sense of entitlement, power, ownership... like you mentioned him having the audacity to consider cheating while you were taking care of him -- I totally understand why you would feel that way, but that is why its important he pull his own weight. If he was feeling like you were in control of the money, etc... there is some men that can feel less of a man in that position (even if they shouldn't feel that way) and cheating, or getting attention from women probably helps boost their self-esteem.

Him lying about the STD, him not telling you -- speaks VOLUMES of his selfishness. He was willing to put YOUR health at risk, so that you wouldn't leave him. Thats selfish. Him wanting you to be his gf, him wanting you to keep having sex with him -- meant more to him than your future health.

Him being promiscuous before you isn't a very good sign either. People can change, don't get me wrong. But they have to want to and decide to change on their own... before ever meeting the person find worthy of changing FOR... it has to be done for one's self. If he never made that choice on his own... but just fell in love with you and decided to be different -- how successful he will be at the change will be dependent on his feelings for you.

Seeing as how he didn't stop being that way for himself. If he did, he could maintain not sleeping with others so freely and easily because he would know its not what he wants for his life anymore. But it sounds like he only stopped because he fell for you , which means the only thing keeping him from being so promiscuous are his feelings for you. And in times of darkness, fights, problems, when those feelings are at a low point -- he might return to old habits.

He spends an entire summer visiting his son? I think thats noble of him... but if its far away from you and he isn't including you in that aspect ... I can see that being kind of difficult. If he has to be away for 3 months to visit his child, it might make more sense for you guys to move closer to his child, and for you to share that part of his life, especially if you are engaged.

If you haven't spoken for a month, its hard to believe he has any real intentions of winning you back. Wouldn't he be fearful you are meeting someone else, moving on with your life? It just doesn't make sense that he wouldn't at least touch base with you if he was hoping to salvage this relationship.

I'd have a hard time getting past the intent to cheat, as much as I would getting past cheating as the thought that goes into both is really the same.... unhappiness in the relationship and lack of commitment in the heart. I would not want to feel like my boyfriend h as to force himself to be faithful, to feel he has to struggle to be monogomous to me. When I step out into the world its EASY for me not to cheat, I have what I want. Him feeling differently would hurt and be hard to get past.

[BasketCase]

First on get yourself checked honey. If there is a chance you have this std your going to need to get on the proper treatment as soon as possible. He decived you one (on a big issue). Yes it's true that could very well do it again.

My issue here is his moral character. He lied to you and other women about his STD. And still continued to have casual sex. :0. That says something about how maturity and morals. There is still a high chance to pass this disease with condoms and medication because it can be contracted even with a condom. That said I think you have to ask yourself if you can forgive him for the lie and the almost cheating. It doesn't seem like you have. And if you don't then you won't be happy with him...

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I would be asking the question why this "mutual" friend, told you about the "almost" cheating, there is always a motive and now he is letting you know that your boyfriend still intends to move to your city and try to win you back. Why is he interfering? Warning you?

With regards to finances, he ran a successful business, it failed. But, it was successful for some time to start with and, they do say that all millionairres, fail three times before they get it right... They also say, that the only failure is when you don't try again, and then there's the "behind every successful man is a good woman"

I personally think the risks are low if you both used a condom regarding herpes. Herpes generally comes out when the person is under stress. I think he had a fear and genuine love/concern for you to tell you, it's not something that you want to tell your partner. Having said that, did you enquire as to when he got it? As, this is something you can't get rid off and carry all your life. This would ascertain for you, whether or not he cheated on the last woman whom bore his son, or if it was when he was in his teens, which would show you a pattern of his personality, as to whether he has a tendancy of cheating or not.

Also, losing a business, arguing heavily, feeling empty, nothing, can make you "consider" a lot of things that you otherwise wouldn't think of doing.

I think for your own self, you should investigate a little more into the why this guy told you and is still telling you things, is this the outcome he wanted? You to up and leave this guy? And, by telling you more, maybe persuading you to still stay away from him? If so why? Ask him.

And, if your boyfriend is down and out to the extent of feeling no self worth . Because, therefore, all the marriage proposals, love etc, can be true, meaningful but if he has no self worth, he can also self destruct as it appears he has, is doing to himself so perhaps he doesn't feel he is worthy of you...

Hard to be a successful business person, then take care of a house and meals.. And, it's hard to hear someone and see someone show resentment, that they are paying for everything as well. It becomes a toxic relationship.

The move you were going to make, could have made you on equal par..

There are good and bad in a relationship... The fact that he was promiscious but stopped that when he met you, says to me that he wasn't wanting a commitment from a woman until he met you. The fact that he considered going backwards, may have been fear, after all what happened with his previous committed relationship, perhaps a part of him didn't have faith.

You know when someone is so down and out, they are not thinking positive. He has tried to be positive, as he's felt the love with you... but you can have difficulties if your going through a difficult time in your life, without the support and faith that you can do it, you can achieve again, strength of another is an amazing thing.

Have a think. I think there are questions to be answered before you can honestly throw this away, or go back...

CW