[English Lady]

Hi there, I'm sorry to hear about your situation you have done so well to be strong and walk away. Everyday I hear about more and more people in the same situations as myself. I'm shocked how common infidelity is in our society. I really hoped my marriage was for keeps, my husband and I both have fantastic role models in our parents who have (both sets) been happily married for over 30 years....I'm devastated we couldn't even get to 2 years whole years!

[confusedbyheart]

I'm so sorry to read this. I had a very good girlfriend who actually was the one who cheated on her husband and became pregnant. They already had a child together. She ahd the baby. They were separated for a while. They have been back together now for 3 years and they have never been happier. They had issues to work out.

Anything can happen. You need to find out why he was cheating. The real reason. He needs to earn your respect and tust back before you go any further.

Also their is no excuse for a 30+ woman or any woman in my opionion to get accidentally pregnant. Birth control is so easy to obtain it's laziness and selfish on these womens parts. But same goes for your husband.

[jennylynn]

Sorry to say,I know where you are coming from,but i have taking things a little different(dunno if I can handle).I am a 25 year old mother of 3.My babies are 1,2,3.They are my world,my reason for living.I met my now husband in high school.We was together for 6 long years before i found out that i was pregnant with my first child(little boy).When I was i think 6 months pregnant we decided to get married.So we did,and I thought i could start my little family.The drinking started to occur on weekends,then the staying out all night.He would come home and go straight to bed.I didn't pay much attention because I was always busy with working and college.I graduated from college 1 week before my first child was born.I have to go to the hospital one evening,because of high blood press,and they started to induce my labor.My 1st cousin(same as sister) was right by my side.

I then have a beautiful baby girl.Cousin was right by my side then also.
Lastly,i had my 2nd baby girl.My cousin was nowhere around.

Sorry to be telling my life story,but this is the first time i have wrote about it,or poured my heart out,and it seems to be helping me.

My husband and my 3 angels are my life,my dreams and all.My cousin and I have had a strong relationship growing up.Her mother never raised her,so she was always with me growing up.We done so much together.

My husband and I recently got saved and babtized back in Dec,2009.

My cousin had a little girl who is now 2,and a little boy who is 7 months.I was there with her through her births and all.

When we got saved and babtized,my husband sat me down and told me something so heartbereaking,and i dunno if i can handle it all.

He and my cousin had and affair!!!!!!
He has been the one that has told me everything,she doesn't want to talk about it.anyway,It started when my first child was 6 months old.She was then pregnant with her daughter when they started.This daughter is not his in no way..Dna determined someone to be her father.

He stated that they had relations about 8 times during the 2 year affair.He said it would be when he was out drinking,he and she would get together and have sex..They both stated thats all it was.My cousin had other men she was seeing also at the time she got preg with her now 7 month old boy.She had dna done on one man twice,and he came to not be the father.So,my husband wanted to go take a dna so see if he could possibly be the bays father..Well,,,,,,,,,,,he is the father of my cousin baby boy...

Since all of this,he,I and our children are now children of God.We are fighting for full custody of the bay boy.The mom was on drugs through all of this,but claims to be a christian now.but she is acting so worng..Through all of this i have done nothing to her,and she thinks i cannot be with my husband to pick the child up for visits,when she lives now an hour away from our home.When i go with my husband to get the baby,she goes inside and locks her door,and we do not get him.

We have already file contempt charges,and are still waiting for full custody.
I don't know how to handle all of this.Don't get me wrong,i love that little baby,but everytime i see him playing with him,and seeing my babies play with him and call him bubby,it just breaks my heart into.i don't think i can handle all of it.I thought if I got him full time and not have to worry about the mother,that i would be ok..Now i am having diff feelings..

It is so hard to be in church,and take all of this in.I am lost for words with it all..I have my good days and bad.
I just can't stand seeing my husband and my children sharing joy and love with the baby and me knowing how he came into this world..i kow it is not the bay's fault,but i am sorry i cannot handle how i feel in my heart..Can someone please share their heart on this with me..I am at the point i don't know what to do?????????????

[SusieOrmonde]

Hi English Lady - Bear with me for two paragraphs, because my story has similarities (and differences) to yours, and its telling just may be of interest to you.

A few months ago I accidentally discovered that my husband of 25 years had been having an affair with a much younger woman (gallingly, an older friend of one of my daughters). This went on for about 6 years, and just under two years ago she had a child. The funny thing was that I just KNEW something was wrong, and I confronted him in 2007 - he absolutely denied everything - in fact he turned it around on me and said he couldn't live with me accusing him, and 'spying on him'! As in your case, it was the woman's decision to deliberately get pregnant, no doubt hoping that he would ditch me and my daughters, and take up with her (no chance!).

As soon as I found out about it, he said that it had been over physically for nearly two years.....as soon as he discovered she was pregnant, all sexual interest on his part went out of the window (what a charmer!). He also said that he 'woke up and smelled the coffee" and realised he could lose everything...me, his home, his girls. This part of it is backed up by texts and Tweets I have seen, so it does have a ring of truth, and it's the only reason I didn't kick him out into the street immediately. (That - and as you say, not wanting to play right into her hands).

Anyway, English Lady, the point here is that I am now in a situation of having to accept that every other weekend my husband will be having a 'visitation' with his love-child. Because part of him is decent, he supports the baby quite generously financially. He has no direct contact with the mother - as soon as she realised her little game was up and that he had "chosen me over her" she decided that she wanted to move on, and the only way to do that was never to see him again.

This is not going to go away any time soon, in fact life is only going to get more complicated. My husband thinks he is doing quite a good job of keeping everything smoothed over, but I am far from making any final decisions, largely because (as WildChild points out) he could just be a serial cheater and I could spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.

What would I do in your shoes? Get out while the going's good, and don't look back. If I'd had any inkling 25 years ago of the pain I was going to endure I would have walked on by. Sorry.

[English Lady]

Hi! Thank you so much for your reply. I'm pleased to say I have permanently left my lying, cheating, pathetic excuse for a man - Husband. I've walked away knowing that I tried everything I could to save our marriage but woke up one morning about a month ago thinking WHY THE H*LL SHOULD I !!!!!! He has done nothing of any significance to make his infidelity up to me and to be honest the way his family have treated me has been nothing but disgusting. I have been in their lives for over 10 years but now they have access to their grandaughter / niece etc I have basically been replaced with no attempts at contact to see how I'm coping or even just to check I'm still alive! This has only highlighted to me that I have made the right decision, there is no way I want to be part of a family that treats people this way. We have no children and I realise now that I should be grateful for this, I am going to go on with my life and have no need to be in contact with any of them ever again. I have an amazing support network of family and friends and have been enjoying new attention and requests for dates from some lovely men, started a new job which I love and plan to turn 30 in the next couple of months with a BANG !! Meanwhile he can keep his ilegitimate child, hide under his mummy's apron strings and know that no decent woman will touch him with a barge pole...It took me a long while to realise that this is the best thing for me, but for anyone in a similar situation GET OUT!!! The good things that come after you do, far outway the pain of ending the relationship.

Thank you all so much for your kind words and advice x x x

[WildChild]

Good for you.
Give your self some time to heal, so some things you want and enjoy. Then you can find a real man to share your life, one who isn't so emotionally immature.

[brightlighteyes]

mmm

I am really sorry for what you are going through and can only imagine how hard it must be.
Still I notice you questioning the other woman's self respect- which clearly isn't a bad thing to question. After all she got involved with a man she knew was in a relationship with someone else and that he was lying to you the whole time ( so it's likely anything he told her was also a lie). But, I honestly wonder where you're self respect is at hun?

I mean it sounds like you're making this into a battle of who wins the biggest loser here. You seem to be so upset with not just the idea that he lied and cheated and had a child with someone other than yourself but even more focused on this other woman and how she might have tried to trap him and you want to fight to make sure she doesn't get him.
I say let her have him! They clearly deserve each other!

Why would you even thinking about wanting to fight for a guy who has LIED to your face and had sex with someone else- and obviously UNPROTECTED SEX at that! I think you need to put the focus where it belongs and that's on him and his ACTIONS because actions speak louder than words and he can say he loves you until he's blue in the face but that doesn't change what he did and how he handled things either.

I mean wake up sweet heart. This man started seeing her (sleeping with her) before you two even got married! And he married you knowing full well that she was pregnant with his child. Sure it's so 'sweet and sensitive' of him to want to give you space and time to make the right choice now that he's been busted and the truth was forced out but where was his kind sweet sensitivity before you made your vowes?? He trapped you and tricked you and you need to really realize this instead of focusing so much on what this other woman may or might not have done.

I'm sure she has her own set of fault and regrets in all of this but at the end of the day- she isn't the one that blew smoke up your rear end promising devotion in a wedding ceremony. She isn't the one who tried taking their dirty little secret to the grave either. That was all your husband- the one you seem so willing to fight for.

I understand being mad at her completely. But keep the focus where it belongs. She didn't let you down. He did. Heck if it wasn't for her you'd never know! At least now you know what kind of man your really married! Is he the one for you? I guess you have to decide how much you're willing to put up with but I am a firm believer in that saying "once a cheater always a cheater". So if you do take him back- don't get mad at the next woman who falls for his sweet and sensitive act and takes up with him- you'll only have yourself to blame giving a known liar and cheater who lied the day he said "I Do" back into your life.

[brightlighteyes]

ooopsie

Sorry I clearly didn't read the entire thread before I posted (blush) But I had to say

YAYAYAYAYY I'm SO happy you decided to leave that ... Well fill in the blanks as you wish! lol

I don't know you but you do deserve so much better than the load of lies and pain that he had to offer. Good for you! You claimed your own self worth and respect in this choice to let him go and I truly believe when we make life defining choices like you have that sends a message out to the universe/God that says "I deserve more and am ready to receive better!". I am more than confident when I say you WILL meet someone who puts your ex to shame in all ways!

Bless your heart and thank you for being an inspiration to other woman struggling in a situation like this!

xoxo

[Guest]

DRAMA!

First of all, I feel sad that somebody would be betrayed this way. I cannot imagine how terrible you must feel.

Secondly, I hope you drop his (edit) . No doubt. No amount of counselling or talking it through with promises could ever repair what has happened. There will forever be a child in his life that is not yours. A child that was created while you were under the impression he was commited to you. How horrible. Sure, he probably feels bad but these sort of things don't just "happen". He allowed it to happen and willingly took part in something he knew was wrong and unfaithful. You can forgive him but I don't see why you should stay with him.

[herbie]

Wow Good for you what a turn around i carefully read all the post and you could tell you were kind of trying to justify staying with him .Sounds to me like he lost a great Women.He should have stopped and also told everything to you before your marriage PERIOD end of discussion.Im so happy to read your change in attitude.Good luck to you .....