[AnneHathaway]

I just spent twenty minutes writing a post to you and lost it because it said I wasn't logged in, which I was, UGH. I'll try again later.

[Messymiss]

I agree so much with Wildchild. Get out now! Dont wait untill you have children to him as that only makes it harder for you to leave a very very bad situation. The marraige most likely could be salvaged if he wants it to be but I can tell you now, that you will have a life time of pain and regret and think about it everyday for the rest of your life. My opinion is that you will never fully trust him and question his every move. You will aslo question this evil womans every move. We already know what she is capable of and I doubt the evilness will just stop there. Many people ask "why did he cheat" well I think that in most cases men cheat because the opportunity is there, and because they can, and because they want to, and because they are the type that will. If there was not a baby involved I would say definately work on the marraige but as you dont have children to him and she has a child to him I would say do your self a big favour and suffer the pain of losing him now and get out, get over it and make a new start down the track. I do know someone with a very similar story to yours except she did have two little girls to her husband and for them, decided to stay with him. I think that was the right decision in her case. They have survived but i can see the toll it has taken on her. She wonders about him every day. Is he telling the truth. Is he really at work? Is he with them? Its a horrible situation for you to be in. She has withdrawn a lot from friends and family and walks down the street thinking everybody knows her story and pitties her or blames her. (Her incindent is now fifteen years old too )YUK! Sorry to be so negative but I know what I would do in you situation.

Big hugs to you sweety. Messy xx

[sourpuss]

I agree with WC, you don't have kids together and you only just got married. Cut ties and run. It will be very, very difficult, but in the end it will be so much better for you. And better for the baby to not have the confusion and emotional drama that will come. And it will come.

Are you ready to be financially responsible? (because as a married couple, you're money will go to child support) How will you feel about that child support when you have your own baby and money is tight? How will you feel with being an outsider when he has visitation? Because you are an outsider in this situation. It's not your kid, you have no say in how he's raised, yet you'll have to pay and be constantly reminded of what happened. You and the kid are caught in the middle of a huge, huge thing two selfish people did. Can you really live with that? Not only do you have to live with it, you have to be ok with it. I don't think I could do that.

I know it's hard, but I say let them have each other and be miserable while you get on with your life and be happy and do what's right for you.

[samanthatallon]

i really agree with soupuss here, nailed it in one, Try to look at the bigger picture and see where you can go, can you deal with all of what is to come?

[Tamar]

When I read your post I thought I was reading my own post. The exact same thing has happened to me, but we have a child together. My husbands love child was born 5 months before our child. I wanted to make it work, but now realise that it is better for our daugther to leave. Just trying to find the strength to do this. Whenever he is holding our daughter, I wonder if he is thinking about his other daughter. He does a lot more for his other daughter, as the mother doesn't do much for her daughter. She also seemed to have had the child to try and entrap him. But it hurts me as it feels like he is choosing his other child over our child. I don't know if I can go on much longer. He says its over between him and her, but I know it isn't. I know I can do better than giving a cheater another chance. If he has done it once, he can do it again. I also think that if he respected me, he would have told me about it, but I had to hear from strangers and his mother. I am not going to let him have his cake and eat it Good luck and let me know if u wanna chat.

[English Lady]

I'm so sorry to hear about your situation, but part of me is happy knowing that I'm not the only one going through this devastation... please don't think badly of me for that. How is your husband behaving towards you? Have you definately decided to leaver him? Have you been introduced to his other daughter? This would be the key indicator for me if something was still going on between him and her mother. If he is still keeping things seperate this can't be tolerated. If you are trying to make things work then surely the child would have to be absorbed into YOUR life not you be absorbed into THEIRS. This is something I feel really strongly about, If we choose to try and make it work then this childs mother HAS to accept that we are going to be involved with her child right from the start which also means NO alone time with our husbands. If he or her can't deal with this then there is still something VERY wrong.

My husband's little girl is over 10 months old now and i've known for almost a month. I'm still waiting for the anger to come but I can't seem to find it. I have seen the pain and turmoil my husband is going through but I feel unexpectedly calm. He insists that he hasn't slept with or had any intimate dealings with the childs mother for almost 6 months which I believe, looking at how it all came out and things that have been said since. He still insists that he called the affair off before our wedding because he loved and wanted me, but when I ask him why he continued it after he found out she was pregnant his answer is "because I felt I HAD to" he says that he felt like he had to be in love with her if she was having his baby right?? but the feelings never came, he was trying to make himself love her because it was the right thing to do for the childs sake. This is very confusing for me! I've spent some time with my husband lately for talks etc and each time he has been "trying it on" saying how much he wants and loves me and how I'm his wife etc but I'm happy to say I've refrained. Sex is a huge part in a marriage and in whatever decision we make for the future... There's NO WAY he's getting near me until I decide if he's worthy of being married to me! There is so much to think about, I don't know how you are coping with a young daughter to look after at the same time I really admire you x x

[CHANDLERS WISH]

There are a couple of ways in which you can take that English Lady.

1. Honourable. Despite his feelings for you, he chose to "try" to love her, to be a "family" and obviously to leave you for the "family" but couldn't as he had no such love, his feelings were with you, his love was with you. So in that, you can feel safe in the knowing of his love.

2. Hurt. That he would even try to fall in love with someone else, whilst married to you and hurt that he cheated in any event, and the outcome...


Hense, confusion.

Remember though, that a child comes into the world without knowledge of how and is a blessing, a beautiful little being, never look at that child and see the Mother... It's not the child's fault... Look at that child with love.

With regards to how should you feel? The way that you do. But, I would ask myself, is my husband honorable in other ways? And, does he have huge morals usually? Alot of respect usually?

Or, was he trying to fall for this woman, because he has a child and didn't want to lose that child, fear... of never seeing that child again...

Then you'll ascertain why he really tried with this woman. And, if it's the child, then that's pretty normal behaviour. There is a bond there, from the moment you know your pregnant/male or female.

The reason why I ask you to ask the above, is because you don't want to feel like you were in the throws of being ditched, because you weren't important enough... in which case I'd take a break from this man. Or, because he has/had morals and was thinking of those, the child and the right thing to do and forgoing his own feelings inside, the love for you.

CW

[Tamar]

My husband is also trying, but i still don't trust him. I keep wondering if he says the same things he does to me, to her. I am trying to put my daughter first and trying to decide what is best for her.....and it is really hard because surely she should grow up with her dad....but I don't know if I want her growing up with the lies and always feeling like she comes second. I am worried that if I feel this way, that I may pass this on to her....I also don't want her growing up not trusting her dad. I am trying to find a way to work through all these feelings...some days are good and I feel like I am getting somewhere, but other days are bad. I am glad my angel is here, as I don't know how I would have made it through all of this without her.....although it may have been easier to walk away.....I have not been introduced to his other daughter.....I don't know if I am ready for that.....I would never resent her or feel any anger towards her, as I do realise she is innocent, but also think that it will be very emotional for me to see him with her.....I am scared that after that whenever I see him with our daughter I will picture him with his lovechild. There is definately something still going on, although he denies it and some days I just feel like sending her a message to leave him alone, until now I have been quiet and said nothing....but feel like I need to make a statement so that she knows how I feel. I have told him I am going to do it and he said it is ok with him as she won't leave him alone and he tries to ignore her....but also says he can't be horrible to her as she is going to be there everytime he sees his daughter. She would never accept me being part of their daughters life....as their daughter is her hold on my husband. My husband also tells me that he wants to be with me and us and doesn't want a divorce, but I just don't know if I can go through this feeling of forever trying to compete for my husbands attention with this other woman. She has made it quite clear she will continue doing anything to get him. It is very hard trying to cope and worse that I don't have anyone really to talk to. I have finally told 2 friends of mine, but think they are in such shock that they haven't said much, but I do know that they are thinking that I deserve more.....I deserve someone that will respect me and honour me. There is so much more I can say.....but don't want to be too negative.....I am thinking of you and hope you are doing ok.....hope to chat soon. x

[English Lady]

Hi I hope you are ok? I am sorry I haven't replied sooner I went on holiday with my family to try and get some head space. My husband assured me that the time away would do us both good and when I returned things would have moved forward. Anyway that was a joke, after 2 weeks away and over 6 weeks into this mess he is still insisting HE needs more "TIME TO HEAL" but continues to tell me he loves me and hasn't given up on us. I have seen him only once in the week since my return and yet again he wanted us to have sex etc but isn't ready to start working things out !?!? I am now at the stage where I, like you, want to confront the woman half responsible for the destruction of my marriage but am being encouraged not to bother. My issue is that I don't have a clue what she is being told or what she is hoping for. He hasn't gone running to her during the last 18 months and still hasn't since the secret came out, but being honest with myself if she's been happy to wait all this time I'm sure another few weeks wouldn't kill her, after all she's got his baby for company. My other issue is that my husband won't have a bad word said against this woman, which infuriates the out of me... and obviously leads me to think there is still something between them. One thing I have done though is meet their daughter, he was against this at first and I'm sure SHE doesn't know about it, but I insisted because I am sick of him making all the decisions. After all his whole family have met her now and I wanted to see if I could cope. I felt exactly as I knew I would, absolutely fine! She's just a little girl, a gorgeous and happy little girl, although I did think she looked a little bit grubby and in need of a wash I don't know what my husband expected, I think he was surprised to see us playing together and nearly passed out when she gave me a kiss!

Everyday I'm getting more tired of my husband making me wait and pulling all the strings, I am the same as you and refuse to compete for his attention much longer. How did it happen that HE gets to decide when he comes home or if we stay together?? It is just so hard when someone tells you they love you and don't want a divorce and after 10 years together I don't want to just give up. My friends and family are very supportive too and want to help me but I can tell they are getting more and more frustrated with me for letting the situation continue. I know by offering forgiveness and acceptance of his child that I have shown all my cards too soon, now I am just sat in a hellish limbo waiting to find out whether he actually wants to try again or not.

I know you and I both deserve so much better, you're absolutely right we deserve RESPECT. I wish you could just turn off feelings.... I hope you are ok? Please stay in touch. I know I don't know you and I hope you don't mind me saying, but I feel you are being so much stronger than you are giving yourself credit for, and I know you're family and friends will be so proud of how you are maintaining your self respect and dignity while ensuring your daughter's happiness is a priority x x

[cryptos]

I have been following this thread since it was posted. I have a very similar experience as the English Lady. My husband and I met in Oct 2008 and got married in Feb 2010. In mid June (last month), I found he has an affair with a woman for a year and the woman is 6 month pregnant. He knew she was pregnant 1-2 weeks before our wedding but chose to hide the information from me. He had asked her to abort the baby because he said he will marry me after she was begging to be with him forever. But later, she decided to keep the baby and told my husband she will not bother him for the baby.

A day after the wedding, the woman tried to call me several times to tell me this. I missed her calls and she did not leave any messages. Once she called again, my husband noticed her number and grabbed my phone several times. I saw he was extremely nervous at the time and asked him what had happened. He said they work together closely, this woman has been chasing him for a long time and he is not interested in her at all. He said nothing had happened between the two of them and he would stop working with her. But after a while, I found he is still working with her everyday. Sometimes, I found receipt of them going to places (parks, restaurants), he said it was pure business.

After I found his big secret in mid June, we separated. I moved into a new apartment in early Jul with the help of my friends. Ever since then, I have not seen him and only communicated with him through phone calls. I have great support from my friends and family. I went to see a family therapist once by myself right after this. He has been begging me to come back, telling me how much he loves me and not wanting this marriage to end. For a couple of times, he has threatened me to kill himself. I found the same questions and thoughts English Lady posted on this forum and I feel we are going through similar path (although my relationship with him much shorter and the child will not been born until Sept.)

Divorce is the first thing I thought after I realized what had happened. I will file divorce paper next Monday. I don't think I can trust this person again, I am not thinking too much of the other woman and the kid, but they will be in his life forever (like at least next 18 years). I have met this woman in a party before. She is 37, no college education, already has a 10-year old illegitimate daughter (no one knows who the dad is.) You know what, if it were not this woman, it could be somebody else. Like messymiss said: "Many people ask "why did he cheat" well I think that in most cases men cheat because the opportunity is there, and because they can, and because they want to, and because they are the type that will. " Last month, I asked him his past before he met me, he listed a bunch of woman he slept with - he slept around with women all the time when the opportunity was there. He never told me these before – he only said he had a failed marriage in his late twenties and two relationships which did not work out. He has built himself in his world of lies. Yes, he could change himself in the future - but that's up to him, he has long lost his integrity and who knows if he will change and how long it will last - two to three years, five to ten years? I just cannot live my life expecting something I cannot control. After separation, I felt so relieved because I no longer worry about where he is and whom he is being with everyday (there were a lot of signs and my six sense is working very properly.) I am in great pain everyday and that's consequence of me making the wrong decision to be with this sick man and entering into this marriage. We all deserve respect. This kind of man just makes me sick and just I don't believe there will be love there after getting out of this pain. I would rather live alone for the rest of my life than having a life of fear and no trust with this person. With him, I know I will become somebody I don’t want to be…

Thank you for much for sharing this, I hope all of us are okay with whatever decision we are making in the future. I just wanted to tell you to take care and I will be thinking of you.