[sojournerK]

Honest. Which is what I want, too.

[pretzel]

I think you're right that both of you being open and honest about this issue is absolutely key.

I think there are some things that may need to be thought of as a whole and not individually.

You've worked your tail off to get him out of a bad situation. That's a tremendous thing that you've done for him and for yourself. Not knowing how long he was involved in that cult but has there been discussions about the degree of relearning many of the social skills and individual values that are sometimes lost or buried as a result of his involvement. Naturally the longer he was involved would mean an equal amount of time for him to regain his self worth and confidence that was lost.

It seems that part of that has re-emerged. You said that he is a good parent to your children. He's attentive and willing to do what's best for them. There seems to be no pressing issues in your relationship outside of the intimacy/sexual pleasure that you've admitted to.

If I can play Devil's Advocate for a second and respond to something you've mentioned in the OP. You've said (and just as it's my impression) that he basically doesn't turn you on and since he tends to ejaculate prematurely for whatever reason then why bother. But at the same time you said that he's willing (even if at this time he's not very good) to want to be a better lover but quite frankly doesn't know what to do or how to do it in a way that is pleasurable to you. So it sounds like he's willing to try, but you want someone more accomplished so you don't have to take the lead.

Knowing how hard you've worked over the years for his benefit (and can only assume you benefited also) is that you now want your reward for all that hard work? Are you looking for the instant fix with this guy at work to fill the void?

I'm not trying to put you on the spot, just hoping to add something that may need to be thought about.

[WildChild]

The whole cult thing is a interesting consideration. I've been through some of this although what I got involved with was a established religion but I have come to see that many groups, even of many hundreds of years and world wide influence, are in fact cults - some far more damaging than others. They work with ritual behavior as a means of inhibiting real thought, the adherants are caught up in a schedule of prescripted behaviors, usually accompanied by scripted words and actions. You take responsbility for following the leader, following the rules, following the party line, but not for using critical thought and really examining what is going on and why.

This creates some problems with rationalization, dualistic thinking (you have to be able to separate things in odd ways and believe contradictory things) self motivation, it's a big mess depending on how deep you got into it. I never fully bought in but still catch myself out in justifying some of it at times. We all do this to some degree but the religions/cults make use of and manipulate it in varying levels to the point that people willingly drink the poison, strap a bomb to their body, whip themselves, accept being beaten by a spouse, the list is endless. Breaking free is a process. This man in your life may drift in and out of varying levels of self determinate behavior. Can you sit down with him and in a calm and rational manner talk about some of what you envision for a positive relationship? Give him some tools, a goal to work towards ?

We come into each other's lives and can sometimes, for a time, provide exactly what each needs and enrich each other's lives and then we move to a point that we aren't growing together anymore. We need to move on the continue our journey. I think at some point our real growth requires us to stick it out and find a way to break past our/their barriers but that has to be mutually agreed upon but often we try to do this with the wrong person or at the wrong time.

[sojournerK]

Hi Pretzel. I admit I don't want to take the lead in this situation. On some level I do want to be swept away. Sigh. I guess b/c everything else does feel like such work, and has for some time. The years after I found out about the nature of this group he was invoilved in were horrible. He said just about everything imaginable to try to alienate me, but I held on like a pit bull. That dynamic nurtured loyalty more than intimacy.
I'm tired of working so hard all the time, especially in doing something as instinctual as sex. I don't want a reward per se, but maybe just a break from all this effort. He is willing to try, but I get so tense whenever he as much as touches me. There are all these barriers that have to be understood/dismantled.

[sojournerK]

WC- I so much appreciate your insight into cultish dynamics; I can see many of the effects you touched on in my partner. He hasn't yet taken initiative to try to understand how the group might have affected his development; he doesn't want to see himself as a victim. However, we are going to attend a conference on these issues next weekend and he finally does seem to be open to the idea that we might get some valuable insights & information that could help us/him.
I totally agree with what you have to say about couples' journeys together. I know I might have to break down some barriers of my own and I'm willing to work on that, but I don't know where our journey is going to take us, and I want to be true to what feels right for our particular situation. I think our culture puts way too much pressure on us to conform to this ideal of the long-term monogamous relationship.
Fortunately, I will not see the object of my crush for about 6 weeks or more. I've spent a couple of days just crying about detaching from that dream. I hope I can get a better perspective that gives me time & space to get focused on what I need to do with my partner.
Again, I so much appreciate your reply and all the other replies. It's such a tremendous relief to discuss this.