[laulau]

Hi all,

I am new to WH. But, have viewed the site a few times and found lots of the replies to help with my situation. However, this is a much more serious problem and I need some friendly advice and help.

okay here goes....

I found out that my husband was abused as a 17 year old boy by an older man that lived in his small village. He has not told anyone about this before. I have told M that I will support him all the way I guess I need help on what to offer.

I am still myself very upset and I am getting tears in my eyes as I type so please excuse the lack of sentence construction...

I am upset that people have to have things like this thrown upon them, I know what it is like to feel out of the pilot seat as I was in an abusive relationship for three years before I met M. He is a wonderful man who has never done anything to hurt me. Even when we fight he is the best, He goes above and beyond. I love him so much.

need a break......

I guess I thought I could handle this information and I can but I want to handle it pro-actively instead of getting it wrong and making him feel like he can't talk.

I asked him about something to do with same-sex, sex and it just came out. He told me about what happened, not in a lot of detail. Just that it had happened to other people - his friends- and that the still walks freely. He then told me that he had been having sex with other men before we met. And that he was confused and had a lot of sex with both sexes. he says he isn't gay and that he was confused. At the time I didn't care but about the same-sex meetings but I don't want him to feel like he might be bi and i am trapping him.. now I feel so confused and I don't want to talk to him about it as I may upset him. I am thinking all silly things........ like my husband may be bi, all the times we had sex I feel like I could of hurt him pushing wrong buttons I didnt know existed (it can get v.fun and a bit racy) and most of all I feel pain in my heart because a man so lovely was hurt so bad.

Please any advice!

I have to get off as my laptop is covered in tears. And it hurts even more because M is sleeping next to me as I cry silently and I just want to hug him!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Mes T]

So I guess this is about two things, 1 - how to deal with him being abused as a boy, and 2 - how to deal with the possibility of him being bi, right?

For the first issue, is he emotionally scarred, or has he healed and moved on from the event? If he has moved on, then I don't think you need to do anything. I can only imagine how upsetting it must be, to find out that your loved one was subjected to that in his past, but if "past is past" in his mind, then I think it would be better for him if you didn't get upset about it around him. Why reopen wounds that might be healed nicely?

But if he's still traumatized about it, then he might need professional help, like seeing a counselor. This is too complex of an issue for any regular person to deal with, especially one who is emotionally involved with the abused person, as all objectivity flies out the window.

As for the second issue, do you think he's still confused about his sexuality? I think it'd be worth discussing it a little further, just to make sure he's not a closeted gay, that he is in fact attracted to women (and you, most importantly).

[laulau]

Thanks Mes_T,

You were right about it being two things! I have had a sleep and feel much better today. I suppose when those things keep going round in your heard they can make matters seem a lot more terrible than they are.

I have mentioned professional help. In case he needed to talk to someone because maybe knowing that I know changes how he feels. It is hard for us to go down that road at the moment as we are travelling together. So is a little harder to find. I personally think, as you put it, wounds have healed nicely. I guess it is me who showed more sigs of being up set.

As for the second issue... As much as I do not want to say it, I think he is still confused. He is attracted to me. I am very sure of that. I wonder if there is any good way to breach that topic with out sounding like I am accusing him.

Any ideas?

Thanks again,
your post made a lot of sense.