[mel_non_stop]

I dont understand where I am going wrong with my fiance but im noticing more and more how selfish he's
becoming. I work 5 days a week and provide most of the care for my 2 kids, during the week im run off my
feet and feel exhausted and I am at home alone to do it all. My partner works 4 nights per week. Often I
would turn to my fiance for support and call him when ever I was having a bad night with the kids
and he would often reply with anger or just outright tell me that he cant do anything to be there for me
mentally to help me get back on track. I dont ring him anymore when Im upset. I tell him im exhausted
and he makes out that his situation is worse. He gets 3 mornings per week to sleep in or have time to
himself. I get no time for anything like that. He gets a 3 day weekend every week and I get a 2
day weekend and I have to get up very early to a 1 year old every weekend while he sleeps in plus im up at
5am every morning to go to work.
I dont nag at him and I dont whinge that he does anything wrong. I only ever ask for his support.
Today I needed some one to look at my hot water system and asked him if he could let the man in to look
at it while he's home in the morning but he said no, i have to take time off work so I can do it. so I didnt book
in the service.He is often snappy at me and speaks to me like im an idiot or speaks in a scarcastic tone.
I do everything to make him happy, I cook him meals for work so he doesnt have to eat junk food, I clean
up after myself at night so he doesnt have to clean up in the morning. I look after the kids more than
him and put up with the kids tantrums and deal with my son's listening problems.
I hardley ever ask my fiance to do anything, if he does the laundry thenthats because he wants to and I
thank him for it. I thought maybe I spend too much time with my 1 year old
daughter and he is jealous or I tell him too often that Im finding working and taking care of the kids very
hard and exhausting and he's sick of hearing it. He says he loves me but his actions and words tell me
other wise. He never used to be like this but since we bought a house and had a baby and ive gone back to
work he isn't a very nice person anymore. I understand that working nights is tough and that its hard for
him taking care of his daughter monday mornings and fridays but he doesnt show any care about me.
what can I do to get rid of the selfishness? Any suggestions or questions would be appreciated.

[jns]

Could one of you quit working or could you hire a housekeeper or a baby sitter some of the time?

[stressed]

It sounds like you both work hard and are under a lot of stress. Your jobs sound very inconvenient and raising two children with night shifts/different work times is hard, you can easily misunderstand each other, get fed up with everything and blame each other. He does get a day more to rest but that doesn't make his job any easier, or his lifestyle any better than yours. You also both need to take care of the children equally. When you hardly have any time for each other it is easy to snap.
See if he can get a daytime job, or if you can find someone to help you with the children. Have a talk as to why you both think that things have changed since the birth of the baby and you going back to work.
It's not a competition as to who works the most hours a week, or who takes care of the children more, but about helping each other when you can and making equal effort. Try to go away for the weekend without the children, find more things to do together outdoors, have some fun together. Maybe he gets jealous that you spend more time with your daughter than him, because maybe that's what you do. You will both have to take care of the children for a very long time so you need to find methods to make the process easier for both of you.

[herbie]

i noticed you said your kids and not OUR kids are you sure you want to marry a man who is like this .Does he care at all about these kids .What besides work does he actually do Sleep and Eat and ?

[Ashlee T.]

I can relate to your resentment over his schedule. I know it seems petty...and it's not his fault he only works 4 days a week. I had the same scheduling conflicts with my recent ex. He worked 10 hr days 4 days a week. I work 8-10 hour days (or however long I'm needed) 5 days a week and often do work at home in the evenings. If he worked a second over he got overtime pay, I got nothing for my overtime. Originally it didn't bother me, but when he'd be off for 3 days in a row and I was still the one in charge of making all the plans, planning for supper, etc I became resentful. I started to feel like I had NO time for myself, and it seemed like he was always off doing what he wanted while I was at work. Wasn't his fault....but it's how I felt.

Something you need to resolve yourself to, is that his work days, hours, etc are not the issue. The issue is you're in a relationship with a man you feel does not love you. Therefore, from that point, anything he does is going to be wrong. You're tired, frustrated, and are engaged to a man you don't even feel loved by.

So what kinds of things does he do that make you feel loved and appreciated? Is he ever romantic or just extra sweet for no apparent reason?

Why is cooking/cleaning your responsibility? Why are you doing it all?

He is a parent, taking care of his daughter on the mornings it's needed is a responsibility of HIS, it's not him doing you a favor by watching his own daughter. It always peeves me how some men act like they're doing mom a favor by "babysitting" their own children but it's moms responsibility to be a mom 24 hours a day no matter what else is going on in life.

So maybe he was a charmer before, but now you're in real life and you see the real person. Like Madea (Tyler Perry) says, when you're dating a "branch" they look strong but once the pressure is on and you step out on them one time, they break. The "roots" is the relationship you need, they provide nutrients to the relationship, and in times when the relationship gets weak, they get stronger to compensate. So are you with a branch when you need to be with the roots?

[mel_non_stop]

Hi JNS, no, we both have to work to pay the bills and house loan. my daughter is in care 3 days per week and son is in school. my mother looks after my youngest on monday afternoons. i have asked him for a house keeper but he says we cant afford it but i think we could if we budgeted for it. Thanks for your input

[mel_non_stop]

Hi Stressed, I understand where you are comming from and thats what im trying to achieve. I have told him that we need time away from the kids together and im going to organise that asap. He takes care of our daughter on monday mornings and all day friday and helps out a bit on the weekend which is as much as he can do because of his work. Its the support thing I dont get from him and when ever I ask a favour he moans and makes me feel bad. His attitude has changed since I had a baby and went back to work, hes angry alot and snappy and generally not nice to me but he's fine with other people, I cop the brunt of it all. He is very competitive and some times I feel like it is a competition. Being stressed and tired doesnt help the situation but I only ask for his support and understanding and im always there for him in return. I just want some consideration. maybe hes just too tired to bother with me but im working just as hard, fairness is what we need. also he gets 5 days to catch up on rest and 3 of those days there is no one home. He tells me that I can sleep in on saturdays so I guess thats a start. thanks for your input.

[mel_non_stop]

Hi Herbie. Well the youngest is ours but the eldest is mine from a previous relationship. He does show that he cares but I think he is so used to me doing all the work when I wasnt working that now I am working he has no idea what to do. Other than the sleeping and eating and working he does most of the laundry which is a great help and helps a bit wit the kids on weekends and has our daughter monday mornings and fridays. Maybe im a little jealous that I work 5 days and take care of the kids for 7 days with hardly any time for rest and he gets more opportunites to rest and less time with the kids to do what ever. I just want it to be equal and not have him moan because I want to go to bed early and I ask him to listen out for the baby till he goes to sleep.

[mel_non_stop]

beautiful disaster; nice response. i always ask him to 'mind' our daughter 'for me' he doesnt just do it because its also his responsibility. I do the majority of the cooking and major cleaning, he does light cleaning of kitchen and floors but does majority of the laundry. I do the time consuming chores dusting, floors, rugs, kitchen, bathroom, toilet. he maintains the gardens and lawns. he shows me no romance lately and doesnt say really anything to me to make me feel loved, its the mental things that matter. he buys me expensive gifts but they mean nothing with out the feeling behind it. I could never consider leaving him, I know he's the one we just need to sort this out so we can be happy together again. thanks for your reply.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

mel,

I assume you are young.

It is very difficult to go from girlfriend and boyfriend, carefree, to all of a sudden a family, true in it's word, a house, a mortgage, utilities, day care, AND, worse, one works day and one works night.

You are not an item.

You both live together and are purely dividing responsibilities.

What does he do for a living that has him working night shift? Can he speak to his employer and change it to day shifts?

You guys have no quality time together and therefore, what your feeling, he's feeling. It's all a chore...

Your both missing alot in your relationship that you previously had.

You have to work out how you can spend time together, not to do chores, or babysit your children, but TOGETHER... and go back to having that fun life that you had TOGETHER.

From a fellow Australian... trust me on that note... that's the problem..