[jac]

I am 31, 1 year older from my husband. I am working in Singapore for 2 years and my husband is in Philippines. We've been civil married for 6 months....

our problem started when my husban got sick with minimal PTB (pulmonary tuberculosis). his chest xray showed "upper right lobe opacity, considering koch's infection", sputum test was negative, no skin test was performed, blood exam showed he has minimal infection. he got sick month of May 2010. And immediately he went to pulmonologist and started his anti-TB medication 02 June 2010. 2 months medication, it will end up by 1st or 2nd of August 2010. First few weeks, his mood was ok, however, when I got back to Philippines for 1 week vacation, i can feel his coldness. I ignored the feeling till I went back here to SG for work.

just this week, when i asked him why he is cold to me and why he is so mad at me....
and all his hurting, depression, frustration and anger burst out in one shot....

he told me: he's been thinking negative things but then again he knew that it was wrong, like:

1. He wants to blame me for him being sick.
1.1. Due to pressure and stress in our church wedding preparation for next year 2011, he got sick.
1.2. Due to pressure and stress of requiring him to study further, to have his University Degree

2. He is depressed because with just one snap, he lost his job and he needs to be dependent with me, especially in finances.

3. He feels frustrated because he thought of the money which we are spending for our wedding should have been spend practically in business that he wants. Or even bought a house and a car, for lifetime benefit. He told me just bec of my pride to show-off that we got wedd, I don't give value to money being wasted just because of the church wedding.

4. He feels frustrated that he is still studying and that he still needs to be left alone in philippines just to finish the remaining units.

5. He feels insulted that does not have equal share in our church wedding preparation (financial basis), because he wanted to have the church wedding once he got work abroad.

6. He feels like my family does not accpet him for who and what he is. Because he feels like me & my family has high standard. He feels like if will not be able to make it abroad and his TB will not be treated, me & my family will just leave him and hate him. he feels that my family is watching over his actions, plans and everything.....

he is very pessimistic eversince he got PTB. And I cannot handle him... I don't know how to handle him... I even don't know waht to do to help him.....He is starting to blame me & my parents, he is starting to regret why we became husband & wives, what we've talked & plan before were all gone, like before he also wanted to work abroad, but now he's telling me it's just bec of me, before he really wants to study, but now he's telling me that if he will not have a university certificate my parents will get mad and that i will leave him, i am really in a hurting stage.....and i have been thinking that maybe it was really all my fault....

[jns]

Maybe his meds are affecting his moods.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It's not your fault, number 1.

Secondly, it's good that he can communicate, even though the words he has spoken has made you think negatively as he is thinking, he can comunicate.

The situation is that he wants to feel like a man.. He wants to progress financially, take control and charge of being a man and pulling his weight. He is totally stressed because he can't do that and he feels worthless in your family's eyes and possibly yours as well because he is still studying.

Suggestion.

I realise that marriage is important to you.. and why.

But, can you perhaps consider deferring it for 12 months. Allow him to breathe and get on with his studies, locating work, saving and being a part of the financials.

All sorts of things tear relationships apart, sex, finances are two of the major ones.

I believe if you were to do this, it would solve your problems... They are purely financial problems that is making him feel in-adequate, take that out of it and he will be able to focus, concentrate, achieve and be apart of that and feel more manly I believe.

CW

[jac]

hi CW, i already asked him of not pushing thru the church wedding, and that i understand and not big deal for me. But he told me that he doesn't want to waste money, just bec of problems like this and that we're not doing well, emotionally, that does it mean that we need to cancel. So I asked him what does he wanted me to do... he wants me to go back to Philippines, settle their while waiting for him to finish his studies, then we both go off if there'll be opportunities again abroad. I agreed, and I am willing to sacrifice, but after a day or two, he changed his mind, that i will stay here and finish what was started and he will continue his studies. suddenly i felt something, ang intuisive feeling that there's already a third party. I can feel the difference of his ways of treating me before and at this present.... I'm bothered....sad and feels like not going into church wedding.... i cannot just close-eyes and pretend that i don't feel it, that he changed, that he's just treating me civil as it is.....

[jac]

i've thought of it also, but this is a bit different......

[WildChild]

I can understand why you are concerned but you must remember that he is the one with the problem - it is not you.I went through some of this with my last husband and it was tough. He lost his job the day after we were married and blamed it on me because he said he was distracted by getting married and that caused him to do poorly at work. Then he had a series of illnesses including cancer and it seemed I could never do enough or what was right, I found myself feeling very inadequate and hopeless. That certainly didn't help me to be able to get things done.

He is the one with the problem and you are going to have to decide if you can be married to a man who cannot take responsibitity for his own situation. You did't have anything to do with him getting sick, nor is it anything to do with you that he hasn't finished his studies. Is this the meds causing a problem or is this his personality? That is what you will have to determine. One is solvable the other isn't.

[jac]

hi wildchild, thank you for your insight. He more than once told me before that He got sick (got minimal PTB) because of so many pressure from me & my family. So I tell myself, eventhough i know it was not really my fault, i'll just accept it. I've been telling myself, that I will understand him because his under medication and that I should give support and care for him. But last week, had my strong intuisive feeling that he's having an affair with his classmate in the university where he is pursuing his degree course. He's different, the way he treated me is so different, can feel it the way he answers my phone call and text messages. And can sense that he's also not telling the truth. I've known him for 10 years and I knew how he treated his xgf's if he doesn't care & love them anymore. We've been friends since 2000 and got intimated 2008, married in civil 2010... i may not perfectly knew all about him but for 10 years, i know my intuisive feeling is right. Regarding his unfinished studies, i don't have anything to do with it also. I graduated 1999, when I met him, and became friends, I encouraged him to continue his studies, I've helped him to finished his diploma and now my father is helping him to finish his university degree.....

[jac]

last night i send my husband a sms, telling him things I wanted to tell him. one of which is that i have this intuisive feeling that he is having an affair, because changes in his way of communicating with me, his change in his treatment towards me and coldness. second is that it seems that he doesn't love me anymore. third is to think it over about our church wedding if we both think that we need to cancel the wedding and move on with our lives peacefully, then we should start thinking and analyzing before things gets worse.

His reply: "Look, nothing change in what and how I feel for you. You've offered & suggested a lot of things but that doesn't change anything. I'm stuck in what I've to do here in Philippines, I'm not that happy but it's the right thing to do. Please don't add up more stress by raising up issues. I just wanna be quiet at timesand do what I need to do here. Sometimes i'm frustrated but its just a part of it. Please help me if you think i may need help. I still love you and don't question on it. For now, I don't understand what I am feeling, I am frustrated and worried, because of sudden stop in my work (due to my sickness) and financial constraints. sorry if I made you feel less imrpotance, it's just that i am not happy of what was happening, I am confused and easily get irritated. Jut let it pass by...."

any insights?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think he is telling the truth.

I think that "women" are very emotional and their gut feeling is only for you that you felt things differently and you were correct, that being that he can not focus on you as he's not happy, so he can't tell you what he thinks of you with happiness, as he is not happy but he still loves you.

I think that you have to support him emotionally for a few months and see where it takes you both.

CW

[jac]

thank you chandlers wish and to the rest who responsded my post. It helps a lot. I need to be strong for my husband. hopefully things will be better for both of us.