[broken_drs_wife]

Hello,
I never thought I'd be writing the story I'm about to tell. My husband and I have been together for 10 years, married for 5. We had, what I thought, was a good relationship. Neither of us are perfect, but I never thought we would part ways. We've been through a lot together- he was away to Iraq with the military several years ago. He decided to go to medical school and we moved away from family together to do that and I supported him. His schedule was difficult and there was stress, but we survived it. The last 3 years there was a lot of stress in his residency- grueling hours on his end, financial stress, trying to have a baby, some health issues on my end, but we survived it, as least I thought. In all of this our sex life was healthy and we made an attempt to try to spend time together when we were able to. This past year became really tough. It was his last year of residency and the responsibility and hours became insane and he became distant, cold, removed and angry. I couldn't get him to tell me what was wrong and with working more than 100+ hours a week, I thought he was just plain exhausted and burnt out. I looked forward to the end of the spring when his residency would finally finish and he could rest and "heal". It turns out I discovered he was having an affair for months and months with a nurse at the hospital. At first he told me he was no longer in love with me and then he begged me to make it work and said he did love me. I love him more than anything and despite always saying I would never stay for someone that cheated on me, I agreed to make it work. He insisted this girl was nothing serious and he was just stressed and sought something light. After a week of staying and going to counseling, he left the house saying he wasn't happy and needed to figure himself out. I tried to move forward, heartbroken and confused- he was telling me how beautiful and amazing I was and that he loved me, but needed to leave, I went to therapy on my own and then 3 weeks later, he started calling, texting, telling me how much he loved me and missed me and needed me in his life, couldn't imagine life without me and would do anything to make it work. I was hesitant, but again so wanted my marriage to not fail and love him and we had been through so much, I thought if he just made it through this last month of residency, then we would be okay. For weeks we worked on things again. He told me how happy he was to be working this out with me, we began talking of starting a family again, he agreed to counseling, assured me that this girl was nothing serious and he was finished everything with her- no communication between them at all, he would constantly tell me how beautiful and sexy I was, made future plans of vacation and home renovations. I was convinced that this would actually work out and we could survive. Then one night I came home to a note on the bed that said he was sorry, he couldn't do this. I was shocked. I couldn't understand. His parents (I'm very close with them) called the next day to say hello and I told them what I had found. We discussed that he may have a problem- depression/bi polar disorder, something because we just couldn't understand what was going on??? Days went by and I tried once again to keep living, although completely broken up inside. He started texted, calling again- telling me how sorry he was, he feels so guilty about what he did to me and our marriage that he just couldn't handle it, but he wants to be married and he loves me so much. I told him I couldn't do this and I needed to find peace, that I didn't trust him and couldn't spend my life wondering if he was going to walk away. This was so uncharacteristic of this man, this successful and loving man, I couldn't make sense of it. I agreed to meet him for dinner on several occasions over a couple of weeks time. He again, was loving, caring, telling me how I was one of a kind and special and beautiful...same stuff over again. I decided to go away for a couple of weeks and we agreed to be faithful and to work on our marriage upon my return. We communicated while I was away, at times he would become distant/cold, but then would be excited for my return. When I came home he greeted me with love, told me how much he loved me, missed me. Things seemed really good, our sex life was really good again and our relationship seemed possible...again. Weeks later, the same thing occurred. Coldness, anger, distance from him- talking as if he was not happy being married. I told him I couldn't do this and he said he didn't want to do this. I ended up coming upon his text messages and found out that he was continuing this affair the ENTIRE TIME. He never ended things with her. He told her he needed to work on his marriage because I was a good person, but then never stopped being sexual (pictures, nasty stuff- you name it) via text. He told her he would never love me like he loves her, but needed to stay married. The conversations were disturbing, sickening. Literally, I threw up six times while reading them. She is not very pretty, but I guess very raunchy and sexual. Also, she is a single mother of an 8 year old. She filled his head with all kinds of things, telling him that our marriage would never work and he would never be happy. Needless to say, the marriage is over. We are now separated and heading to divorce. He isn't even remorseful. He is acting so angry towards me. It is the most devastating thing to find out you've been lied to by the person you trusted and invested in the most. I gave everything to him. I supported him through everything, financially and emotionally. The mortgages are in my name, credit cards, everything- even from before we were married. Now he is finished with residency and is officially an attending physician and this TRAMP (believe me if you saw the messages, you would agree) gets to reap the benefits and I don't mean just the financial end, but the destressed man, the one with much less hours and the one who is making a good paycheck. I don't have any children and I'm 33. I can't see how I'll ever meet someone and trust them? How I'll fall in love again and stop loving him? I don't see how I'll ever have a family now, at this point? It's just so incredibly sad. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I can't believe what's happened. Everything I believed in is gone. Everything I thought was real, wasn't.

How do I get through this?

[WildChild]

Oh sweetheart, unfortunately you aren't alone, only time can heal this. You have to remember this isn't all men, it's this man. Not all are like this. It does sound some sort of cyclic problem.

[Hopeless Dork]

Don't feel like he was your last chance to have a family, you are 33... you do still have time for that. I think you should count your blessing that you did NOT start a family with this man... as healing is a lot harder when you have to see them with their new partner, be reminded of all they took from you , all the hurt ... while sharing custody.

Your story is a familiar one... a woman that gives her all supporting a man to become successful and then getting dropped like a hot potato as soon as or shortly after they reach the level of success they needed your assistance to get. I can see how thats going to hamper your trust and I would not expect you to ever enter into that sort of situation again... but not every man requires that.

You can go to bed with a clear conscience. You gave it your all. You loved this man, you supported him, you tried to work with him through some very difficult times, you fought for your marriage. You can be proud of that. Its not your fault that he did not turn out to be the man you thought he was... or that he changed so drastically. He let you down, he damaged your spirit and trust.. but those can be regained.

You WILL get over this hurt, he may never realize what he put you through or if he does he will likely justify it in anyway that allows him to sleep at night feeling like a decent human being. So any hopes at some heartfelt appology, some words he can say that will make you understand what happened... should not be something you wait for.

Give yourself some time to focus on you, it sounds like you have focused on him for so long that you have lost sight of your own needs and thats where your head needs to be for the time being. You are still a young and vibrant woman... and you have the power to decide how much more of your life you are going to let this man ruin. You can't control him, you can't change what he did... but you CAN change how you let it impact you from this day forward...

It will not be swift, but in time your heart will heal. I know you already know that. I think he sounds toxic and you are best off not letting him keep stringing you along when he catches a case of nostalgia and texts you out of the blue like he didn't just turn your world upside down. You've given him every chance a person could reasonablly give and at this point after so many cycles it should be obvious to you that he is not to be trusted, and your energy should no longer be wasted with his headgames.

[jns]

broken, I have no words that will help repair what that home wrecker has done. However, you can keep her from reaping the rewards. If she cannot get a financial payout, she may abandon him. Get yourself a top lawyer that handles such things so you can seize a lot of his income. You earned it by supporting him through college. Just like doctors who sign up for a community paying for their education in return for so many years of being their doctor. Also, go after her directly for alienation of affection. Make sure you get copies of all of the text messages. Have a third party that can testify in court transcribe them. Have a backup. If necessary, publish them to the internet so they can't be eliminated by defense motions. Your lawyer should advise you on this. Seize the phone and don't give it back. It is your link to the incriminating information. Most likely others in the hospital know of the relationship.

[Allie602]

I don't think you should discuss his cheating with anyone certainly not the hospital. The hospital just cares that he is a good physician. Drs. cheaingt with nurses is common unfortunately and hospitals take a hands off approach. I know you want to strike out but, you would be waisting precious energy if you went on fruitless revenge missions. Take the high road it will pay off, you will be happy you did not humiliate yourself.

I agree that you should see a lawyer, keep what ever evidence you have of his cheating. If you live in a no fault state, the cheating means noting in terms of the divorce settlement but, it gives you a phycological advantage and can influence the amount of return you get on your investment in his career. You supported him to get his career then that does count it's an investment in a future you thought you were going to have. Get all the records of your support. Don't let him talk you into staying no matter what he says, he will put you through the same roller coaster again. I don't think he is not interested in working on the marriage he has not given up the OW and that probably it signals the end.

The reason I say not to tell his friends, relatives and work is because it makes the whole process more acrimonious and emotionally draining. The people who are his friends will remain so and his family will stick with him. You now need to close rank with the people you love and love you and to stay away from the people who don't care about you. I think he is in love with this woman and is unlikely to give her up.

Please don't think you will not be able to find someone else, you are to giving a person not to find someone to give to you. Next time don't give so much let him give to you.

I believe in karma - not as punishment but just part of the laws of nature. She lured away a man from his wife but when they have to live day to day with each other then the challenges will begin. He will have to adjust to her son and her ex. When the excitement and lust is gone then he will see the person he is with. If she actively lured him away then she goes after what she wants and is determined. You can believe there are things she is dreaming of that she wants from him and is not likely to take no for an answer. Her determination will be turned on him. She will want more as the doctors gf and she will not stop until she gets it from him.

It hurts I know but if you think about it, they are headed for more heartache than you are having now. Just nurture yourself don't do anything undignified. You will reap what you sowed and so will he. You gave allot so your harvest will be abundant. When times get bad for them in 2 -3 yrs he will fall into the arms of another determined nurse and have to deal with ridding him self of a very determined woman.