[ospooks]

Sorry, this is going to be a long message.

My husband and I have been together for 7.5 years and married for 2 years. A year and a half ago, I discovered that my husband contacted an ex-girlfriend on Facebook. She was his first love and they sent some flirty messages back and forth. He was going to meet up with her to have coffee but never did (I know this because he was with my brother in law the entire time he would have been meeting her) I confronted him about this and told him how hurt it made me that he would go behind my back to meet up with her. I don't have a problem with him being friends with an ex; I just want to know about it. He seemed very sorry and said that he would be honest with me, and he hadn't contacted her since.

About a week and a half ago, my husband moved back to our hometown for work. I will be moving back as well in two weeks once I go on maternity leave as I am currently 7.5 months pregnant with our first child. I visited him on the weekend and went on his computer to check facebook and his facebook was automatically logged in. I noticed that he had a message from his ex in his inbox. I opened the message and read the thread. The day he moved, he messaged her on facebook to see how she's been and to let her know he moved back for work. She asked how he was and she gave him her phone number so he could call her if he ever wanted to talk. There is absolutely no mention of me or our baby in any of the messages he sent her.

I thought I'd keep an eye on the situation because he never mentioned any of this to me when I was visiting him on the weekend. I checked his facebook tonight and he messaged her today and apologized for not making it over to see her on the weekend. Again, no mention of me or our baby. They messaged back and forth and he ended up asking her if she would be up for messing around like they did in the good old days! She told him she was in a committed relationship and was not going to throw it away for a fling, and that she didn't appreciate him thinking of her only as a booty call. I talked to him on the phone 15 minutes before he sent her that message and everything seemed fine! I haven't confronted him yet. How should I go about doing it? He is coming up to visit and to help me pack on Friday. Please help!

[jns]

He is being deceptive but he isn't good at it. You should read him the riot act, but tone it down if you feel it will cause you problems with your baby. He needs to know that this is totally unacceptable, but I fear he probably won't change. How has your sex life been since becoming pregnant?

[ospooks]

He is being deceptive but he isn't good at it. You should read him the riot act, but tone it down if you feel it will cause you problems with your baby. He needs to know that this is totally unacceptable, but I fear he probably won't change. How has your sex life been since becoming pregnant?

We were having great sex about twice per week before he moved for his job. He hasn't complained about the quality or a lack of sex, and we've talked about it since a bunch of our friends are pregnant and having little or no sex. I just don't understand how he could act so normal and loving around me, but try to cheat on me at the same time.

[jns]

Guys many times separate love from the physical act of sex or think they can.

[ospooks]

Thank you very much for the advice. This is going to be one of the toughest things I've ever had to do.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

and we've talked about it since a bunch of our friends are pregnant and having little or no sex.

Welcome to the Forum ospooks

I am not going to stick up for him, you can't have a marriage with no trust, he's broken it, he's told you he would stop but continued and then asked for a booty call.

Lucky for you, she was discusted in feeling like a piece of meat...

However, do you think that he "thinks" he has to find alternatives "now" because in a few weeks you will have had a child and it's that time that people are talking about the lack of sex, that occurs, not whilst pregnant, rather after.

It's shallow, wrong...

He can masterbate

Ask him just how much he really loves you.. YOU, for you...

And let him know in no uncertain words that, he's a cheater, emotionally full stop that would have gone to physcial had she let him, so the trust is broken and you have to have a serious think about your future.

Put the wind up him..

And let him know your stronger than he thinks.

Please be around people at this time, 7.5months pregnant is not long to go ok...

Let us know and know we are a caring community here. Here for you to talk, vent or ask any questions.

CW

[stressed]

He could be going through a phase where he connects the birth of the baby with no sex afterwards, especially since your friends talk about it. He may feel as if he needs to see if he can still be considered attractive and not just a dad. Whatever he may be going through is wrong, but he may need counseling. There are several cases of men cheating or avoiding sex or flirting with other women when their wives are pregnant. Him being alone and having the opportunity to act like he did is another issue. He could be insecure. I am not taking his side, I'd be very upset over something like that and you were very lucky that the girl turned him down. You have to find out why he chose her exactly and not just a random person for sex. Maybe he feels he is missing something with you that he had with her, or he imagines it that way.

At 7.5 months pregnant you should not get yourself involved with such serious arguments. I'd suggest you to wait before you confront him about it, because it will make you even more upset and you will put your health at risk. Like CW said, be around people you love and trust all the time. Talk with us. But I suggest you wait before you bring this up, you have to be very careful with your blood pressure at this stage and the baby's health is far more important than his irresponsible behaviour. Telling him about it won't change the past, he did what he did. But you still need to take care of the baby even before it's born. But I must say, he is very selfish for not taking this into account himself. He doesn't seem to care about what the effects of his actions will have on you and the baby.

[ospooks]

do you think that he "thinks" he has to find alternatives "now" because in a few weeks you will have had a child and it's that time that people are talking about the lack of sex, that occurs, not whilst pregnant, rather after.

Please be around people at this time, 7.5months pregnant is not long to go ok...

CW

I NEVER would have thought of him as the guy who would cheat until this past week. He always claimed that he would never cheat as it was a major deal-breaker in a relationship. We both believed that as far as I knew. I understand that he slipped up a year and a half ago, and I was over that because I thought it was the past. But now it has me wondering what he would've done had I not confronted him about it when I did. Was he trying to hook up with her then too? She said in this new batch of messages that a couple of years ago she would have lept at the chance of fooling around with him, but things have changed now.

The hardest part of this whole thing is that I am completely isolated from my friends and family right now. They ALL live in our home town and I won't be able to see any of them until next weekend when I go to my baby shower.

[ospooks]

You have to find out why he chose her exactly and not just a random person for sex. Maybe he feels he is missing something with you that he had with her, or he imagines it that way. At 7.5 months pregnant you should not get yourself involved with such serious arguments. I'd suggest you to wait before you confront him about it, because it will make you even more upset and you will put your health at risk. Like CW said, be around people you love and trust all the time. Talk with us. But I suggest you wait before you bring this up, you have to be very careful with your blood pressure at this stage and the baby's health is far more important than his irresponsible behaviour.

I am completely crushed that he would cheat on me the first chance he got to be away from me. I know before we got together she was his "go to girl" in between relationships because he told me that, and she would call him when we first started dating and he'd tell her he was in a relationship and didn't talk to her again until about a year and a half ago. It makes me wonder, though, now that she's turned him down, will he go looking for random sex?

I don't know if I can wait until the baby's born to confront him. I think it will make me sick to hold this in and wonder what he is up to when I'm not around. I'm already on anti-anxiety drugs because of work-related stress. If I confront him this weekend, I think it will allow me to at least find out why he would do this to me, and why now, of all times. If I put it out there that I know he cheated or at least intended to, maybe he will stop in his tracks and think about someone other than himself.

[pretzel]

If this becomes out of bounds, so be it.

There's no way to try to excuse an unexcusable. You two have been together over 7 years. I highly doubt that in that time the question of children never came up. It's not a question of whether it was the right time or not, whether we as people are ready to be parents or not. I'm sure those were addressed and talked about, understood how your lives would change and all that comes with the idea of being parents. Nobody who says that they're ready to be a parent is being totally honest with themselves. When your wife/gf first tells you that she's pregnant you can't imagine the emotions that go through your mind. And it doesn't matter how many times it happens, it's still the same. I've been both fortunate in that I have 2 wonderful kids, but at the same time have been unfortunate in having to deal with the loss of unsuccessful pregnancies on two occaisons.

I will say that no matter what, the thought of looking outside of my marriage never ever entered my mind. There's a huge degree of respect, even more so when you know the person whom you love is carrying your child. There's no greater feeling in the world. To even entertain the thought otherwise is just so disrespectful and rude that I can't really put into words.

I'm sorry, I have no respect for someone who would do something like this at a time when the joys and anticipation of being a father should be his one and only thought.