[takaris7]

Just wanted some more advice. I have written here before looking for suggestions and assistance and had some good responses. Now I have a new situation. I have been married for over 10 years and my sex life with my wife would be considered a struggle by most. We rarely have sex. She rarely has interest in it...does not like to do it and never puts any effort in initiating it. When we did it was rarely successful and she just didn't enjoy it. I rarely pushed her about it or bothered her...I use to ask for it but I just occupied myself with other activities because she was so "busy" with other things...this lasted for years....

To put it simply, I asked for a trial seperation recently. More for me to work things out in my head and more for her to see if she can function without me being around. She has now started telling me..."we should just do it" or she just wants to do it...."to get it out of the way" ... She would attempt to be affectionate but it seems so artificial...(is it just my imagination? could I just be making it up?) ...Thing is....I am not interested anymore...

I am sure your asking how can a man be not interested in some "free sex" but I am an emotional creature and I am just not there....I am not interested in sex with her anymore....I felt shamed, I felt lack of love, I felt annoyed. ( I dont know why.) I told her...that If I sex with her....it would only be temporary...the situation would never be fixed.

Is this normal? Should I feel that way?

[sourpuss]

Maybe you two should see a counselor so you can openly talk about everything with one another and get some advice on how to save your marriage. ....if you want to save it that is.

[JadedQueen]

What I think has happened is you have gotten so used to her lack of interest that you have become withdrawn from you wife and honestly who can blame you? It sounds to me like your wife is very distant physically and emotionally. Has she been this way throughout your entire relationship? If that is the case then it could stem from the way she was raised things she was taught (Like sex is just for reproducing) or there may be some sort of abuse in her past, or maybe she derives no pleasure from sex? If you and your wife are wanting to work on the relationship and try to save it I would say counseling is the place to start. I know you have distanced yourself emotionally and after years of dealing with being rejected by her it's probably difficult for you to want to put forth the effort to try to fix things... BUT.... if counseling is successful in the end you may just find yourself married to a completely different woman and perhaps that will rekindle the spark. Good luck and keep us posted.

[Jayla2251]

First, I'm sorry your going through this. "Getting it out of the way" sounds to me that she thinks, hey if I have sex he'll come back and everything will be okay? I know when your seperated from someone you've been with, sex isnt the main concern at that point. It just throws me off the way she's handling it. I would tell her the truth. Your not interested. And tell her the reasons you stated. Good luck!

[Hopeless Dork]

Unfortunately thats what happens when people (her in this case) let things get this far... when you are constantly made to feel bad it wears on you, and when you first feel bad you'd jump at that cookie like a dog because all you wanted to was feel better... you tried to get her to see this and she wouldn't. And so over time your heart grew cold and then it hits a point of no return where that person can turn into everything you ever wanted them to be but its a case of too little too late, too much resentment built up to let go.

If you do love her and you are just bitter that it took all this for her to finally realize what she had with you, there is hope yet. Counseling as some suggested could work if you were able to find a way to let go of the chip that she put on your shoulder and if you can believe that she genuinly wants counseling to work on herself as well.

[takaris7]

First, I'm sorry your going through this. "Getting it out of the way" sounds to me that she thinks, hey if I have sex he'll come back and everything will be okay? I know when your seperated from someone you've been with, sex isnt the main concern at that point. It just throws me off the way she's handling it. I would tell her the truth. Your not interested. And tell her the reasons you stated. Good luck!

I think over the past year or two sex and intimacy were primary concerns for me. I would bring it up often and she would just brush me off or blame me for not being romantic enough or stinky or gaining weight or being mean to her something to keep me from bothering her.

I even went so far as to set up doctors appointments and doing research for her to find out what is wrong. (which itself produced resentment in me because if it wasn’t for my interest there would be no interest at all.)

I personally think she just started initiating trying to give me sex because I told her that I wanted a normal relationship and not just a roommate. Even in her initiation – her attempting to be intimate – it seems so artificial – like she is being forced to do it. She is often told me “there were more important things to do” and “You have to be happy to have sex and I am never happy.” or “We can get along without it.”

I keep blaming myself for this, for everything. I struggle with my thoughts knowing it’s not my fault, it’s not me. I keep thinking that I am imagining all this.

It took me years to understand this but she has been like this throughout our entire relationship. She has had a disinterest in sex, would only rarely let me perform oral sex and no penetration at all. (I have been in a fog) We have had counseling in the past where I would attempt to breach the subject of her upbringing and of any abuse and she would get very defensive.

Do I want to go through counseling again? I am not sure. It had limited success.

[Jayla2251]

If she wouldnt talk about it in previous couseling, why would she now? But maybe she has seen "the light" and wants to change? We dont know, you dont know, only she knows. And if she can't comminucate about it, then it'll be hard to figure out. Just saying to do it, and get it out of the way...that's not what sex is about. Maybe she was abused or has past problems and really hates sex, but you have needs too. She's full of excuses for sure. If she can't confront what the problem is, why she has issues with sex, then you will not be happy. For you it is important, and not "just doing it". I would rather be celibate than to 'just do it'. Especially since you've been through couceling before and it didnt help these problems. And IMO it does sound fake, that she thinks by agreeing she'll get back to 'normal life'. She is right, there are more important things to do, a relationship can go on without it; but that is not what you want in your life for a relationship.

[Texasred]

...To put it simply, I asked for a trial seperation recently. ...She has now started telling me..."we should just do it" or she just wants to do it...."to get it out of the way" ... She would attempt to be affectionate but it seems so artificial...(is it just my imagination?)

Doesn't seem like it's just your imagination - seems like she's trying to do the very minimum she can to keep you around, and it sounds like maybe her mother told her "The only thing men are interested in is sex, so you can control them that way." So even though she plainly doesn't like it, she's thinking you will!

I am sure your asking how can a man be not interested in some "free sex" but I am an emotional creature and I am just not there....I am not interested in sex with her anymore....I felt shamed, I felt lack of love, I felt annoyed. ...Is this normal? Should I feel that way?

It's absolutely normal, and I'd go so far as to say, any normal person should feel that way under the circumstances.
I not only would, but, being in a very similar situation, I *DO* feel that way.
I know exactly what you mean; and I have turned down the "pity sex" on more than one occasion this year. Every time it was offered, that is, which thankfully wasn't very often.

I unfortunately can't suggest anything helpful, other than that you seem to have the right idea, about a trial separation.
I would say this: go consult a lawyer BEFORE you do it to assure that she won't later be able to accuse you of "abandonment" during some further divorce action that might (as seems likely) ensue.
Best of luck to you;
- TR

[sourpuss]

What's the rest of your relationship like? She says she's unhappy, what is she unhappy with? Do you help her around the house? Do you make her feel special and attractive? Do the two of you do fun things together?

[BigDaddy]

Takaris I went through exactly the same thing in my 1st marriage. For ages I did what I thought was everything to help her be more in the mood. Frankly, I reached a point that I no longer cared.

Oddly once she knew I didn't care about the lack of sex (or her) she was on me like stink on a pig. It was too late the damage had been done, I felt like I had been disrespected for long enough.