[Michelle_belle]

HI

A friend of mine left her husband of 12 years a couple of years ago because he'd 'lost focus' on their marriage and made her unhappy. She wanted him to see what he was doing so they could talk but unfortunately he accused her of hurting him more than anyone ever had, of not being supportive, then accepted his freedom . They're still married, she's heartbroken and wants him back despite him having a couple of relationships since. She doesn't understand why it he allowed it to end and blames herself, having listened to him, and has accepted she's lost him. What she doesn't realise is that girlfriend no 1, an unknown woman he 'saw' for a month, even introducing him to their daughter, was a decoy so he could be with girlfriend number 2 who they'd known for years and who he'd been having an affair with for 7 years. My questions is, should I tell her about their affair so she can get over him, know the real reason he refused to get back together and use the information to her advantage in any future divorce action?

If you are separated but are completely confused over why, would it help you to know it was because your husband had been having an affair or would you rather not know?

Did you find out after your husband left that it was because of another woman and, if so, are you glad you found out or would you rather never have known?

I'd really like to hear from people in the wifes position.

Thanks

M

[sourpuss]

hmm, that's a tough one. Normally I would say to stay out of it. But it's obvious that they aren't going to patch things up.
You have to remember that she left a guy who treated her poorly and is now surprised and hurt (two years later) that he doesn't want her back. So she's a bit irrational over the whole thing to begin with. Would she even believe you, or would she just shoot the messenger?

[Hopeless Dork]

I agree with sourpuss, she may be in that delusional state where she only see's sunbeams flying out of his butt no matter how bad he's treated her and telling her anything will fall on deaf ears and she may end up mad at YOU for making her think about something, know about something that is isn't mentally prepared to deal with at this time.

And also did you know about the affair while it was happening? And are only thinking of telling her now that the marriage is over? Those are things she is going to ask you if she believes what you are saying is true... and depending on the answer to that question , she's going to wonder why you didn't tell her sooner, etc.

I think if you knew of the affair while it was happening... it would be appropriate to let her know what you know at the risk to your own friendship to put her personal safety (from stds etc) first, ahead of all else.

But now that they are divorcing and moving on and she knows he's with another woman now, it seems going back there wouldn't pose any benefit, except to clear your own concious. But follow your heart, if you think she is beating herself up for ending things with a good man , maybe it woud be a good thing to let her know that she was right all along (like most women are) when she *thought* he lost focus on her and their marriage. If she is doubting herself and thinking her paranoia about him not being there for her is what brought down the relationship... then maybe it would help her heal to know she wasnt crazy, he wasn't there for her and she was right to do exactly what she did.

Its a really tricky situation. How did you learn of the affair?

[Michelle_belle]

I know of the affair as I know both women. I didn't know about it at the time, but I am a family friend so met the girlfriend and got on very well with her. It was clear that she adored him so I accepted her immediately, especially as at that time I believed his wife had let him down. She's actually really nice, quiet and one of lifes genuinely caring people (she justifies herself by saying she simply fell in love with him, wanted to give him total happiness and can't explain any more than that). About six months ago she started suffering doubts about their relationship too and confided in me and told me their history to explain why she was now unsure that he was all she thought he was. Sticky situation for me, and it changed my view of him, but I originally figured to leave well alone and wished I didn't even know the situation. Now, his wife is still tormenting herself and the girlfriend is on the verge of leaving him for the same reasons his wife did but she does at least know what he is capable of whereas his wife is, as you put it so brilliantly, still seeing sunbeams. lol. It's the paranoia that I don't like to see. You hit the nail on the head when you said she thinks it was her irrational crazy behaviour that brought the marriage down, but hearing the girlfriend describe almost the exact feelings yet deal with her emotions more rationally, ie knowing it's not her but him because she's aware of what he did to his wife, makes me just feel she would be better off knowing it wasn't her and a leopard doesn't change his spots. The girlfriend would be mortified if I told the wife because she's gone out of her way to make sure he puts her first financially and in other ways because she feels so guilty, which is why I wanted advice from somebody in the wifes situation to help me decide.

[sourpuss]

Maybe the girlfriend should tell the wife.

[rcoreyus]

I'd stay out of it. There is so much that can go on in relationships that isn't visible from the outside that you don't know what sort of issues might be stirred up. It is even possible that she knows but is pretending not to for the sake of maintaining some pride.

[laulau]

I would have to say to try and keep out of it... I know it really is hard as I have seen a husband of a friend of mine with another woman in a bar. They have two children and every time I see her or chat to her online I just want to say "LEAVE HIM!" but I have heard so many times about friends telling and then they work it out and and you loose a friend.

If they are not looking like they are going to patch things up they why bother telling?

[tesoro]

You are certainly in a difficult position and I can see why you are thinking about telling your friend so she can get on with her life...however, I agree with the other posters...I don't think anyone knows what really goes on in another person's marriage. Although you are aware of the affair and of the girlfriend who is on the verge of leaving him...I would say that you should try to stay out of it. Instead, you can help her see how her thinking is irrational and remind her of how unhappy she felt when her former husband was detached from their marriage. Some things are better left alone and I think this case is one of them. You can still be a dear friend to her without hurting her unnecessarily with all his garbage.

[Agony_Aunt]

I have to say i disagree with not telling her.

Yes it will be hard to tell her as you know its going to hurt her. But think ahead.

The truth always comes out so.. she will find out one way or another.
So if it does come out, and it comes out that you knew about it the whole time too?
Not only will the wife loose her ex husband she's also loose you as a friend.

when she finds out, she will have a lot of trust issue's too.

And she will need some body to be there for her and, I'd guess she'd hope you would.

[Michelle_belle]

Thanks for all your replies. I have to say it's a hard decision to make and one I'm still going over. It seems to have taken over my life now too! My other problem is I don't want to hurt the girlfriend by making things worse for her while she's with him. Maybe I should just delay any decision until I know where his current relationship heads, then speak to the girlfriend. She is now convinced he is interested in another woman. Maybe she'll be wanting to offer support to his wife by being in the same boat and take what's thrown at her on the chin. More than once she's expressed sincere sorrow and when I broached the subject earlier today she said she felt she was being punished for having the affair, but probably not punished as much as she deserved. What I don't get is how a man can appear so badly done to in public (I have to listen to him too and he's making out all is rosey now after such a dreadful and sudden break-up with his wife) yet in private be such a rat! But for both of them crying on me, I'd still think he was a good catch who deserved a good woman! And I thought I was a good judge of character...