[jns]

Don't get into passing letters. It will just complicate things. You have to find a way to keep communicate face-to-face.

[ku1234]

Okay, so now I know why he wasn't show me passion...

He asked me to fix something on his phone, so as I tying to figure out the settings, I noticed their was a database set for an email account I didn't know about. So instead of every time before, getting upset immediately I waited to check it out for myself. I was so nervous, scared, mad, you name the emotion, I had it... This was his birthday weekend, so I waited until after his birthday, this past Monday and tried to access the account with passwords he has used before. No luck. So I tried the "forgot password" route to see what it would do.. it asked a question, I knew the answer an bam - there it all was. He had created this email account to create profiles to search for married women. He was even responding to craigslists ads. Everything was in there, and it looked like he did not meet anyone in person.

I was a mess. He was at work, so I called him and he tried to deny it at first. Then he confessed it all. But really at that point, I already knew enough. I had to take a vacation day that day, I was a wreck. I was crying so hard, I had told him that I would leave him if he ever did that again.

He begged me to give him another chance, told me how much he loves me, that would be lost without me, all of those things I should of been hearing long time ago. He said he has a problem and said offered to talk to a counselor about it and how to stop this behavior. We talked for hours that day, and finally I said I don't want t talk anymore about it today. I was so tired of hearing the exact same things I heard before.

I think at this point I am just numb. I haven't cried since the day it happenned, last Monday. I feel like I am in a fog. He has been wonderful, he has been extremely kind, generous, you name it, he is trying to make it right.

He has made an appointment to talk to a counselor. In the meantime, what do I do? How do I cope with this mess?? I just can't understand if he wants to be married to me, loves me so deeply, how could he do that to me AGAIN??? I really could use some advice now.

[sourpuss]

I was going to say, wait to see if he actually makes an appointment with a counselor or if he was just telling you what you wanted to hear.
For men, actions mean a lot. If he made the appointment on his own and continues to see the therapist, I think that's a pretty good indication that he doesn't want to lose you.

In the meantime, spend some time on yourself. Take a class, join a gym, take up a hobby, go out with your girlfriends. Make sure you do something on your own, even if it's just reading a book at a coffeeshop a few nights a week. You need the time to clear your head and be out of the situation. Do something fun, something for you. I think some sort of class would be great, you'd get out of the house a night or two a week, it would last at least a month and you'd be doing something fun to take your mind off it all.

[WildChild]

He begged me to give him another chance, told me how much he loves me, that would be lost without me, all of those things I should of been hearing long time ago. He said he has a problem and said offered to talk to a counselor about it and how to stop this behavior. We talked for hours that day, and finally I said I don't want t talk anymore about it today. I was so tired of hearing the exact same things I heard before.

I think at this point I am just numb. I haven't cried since the day it happenned, last Monday. I feel like I am in a fog. He has been wonderful, he has been extremely kind, generous, you name it, he is trying to make it right.

He has made an appointment to talk to a counselor. In the meantime, what do I do? How do I cope with this mess?? I just can't understand if he wants to be married to me, loves me so deeply, how could he do that to me AGAIN??? I really could use some advice now.

I wish you all that is good. But... I've been there and I'll be very surprised if he keeps himself to himself. My first husband and I played out this scenario more than once. It wasn't email then, it was phone and letters. Over and over he swore it wouldn't happen again, even very dramtically threatened suicide if I left. Nothing changed, he kept at it.

Your husband needs to understand that HE has destroyed the trust in your relationship and that HE is going to have to rebuild it. AND that takes time and effort. By all means insist on counseling. There is a reason he is drawn to do this and he needs to understand it and deal with it. It could be insecurity that creates a need to get attention from new women. Whatever it is he needs to correct it.

A few days. weeks or months of being kind and generous won't fix this, if your goal is a lifetime of love.

[ku1234]

I don't know what to do... When I think of all the times he has lied, all the times he was searching for other women, I physically get sick to my stomach. A part of me wants him to leave and the other part wants to work through this... He tells me all the time how much he loves me that he would be nothing without me, all very loving and positive things. But I don't understand, if he truly feels this way, why the would he be looking online for women??

I just am so confused. I have made a promise to myself not to bring any of this up again to him until after he meets with the counselor. So it has been only a few days, but it feels like a few weeks. It seems when we talk about it, I just can't let it go. He likes to remind me that he never physically did anything with another woman, it was all talk and fantasy, but in my mind, that's just as bad.

Is it truly possible to love someone and knowingly hurt them, time after time..? I don't understand if he knows we will be over, why would he do it?? This is the thing, the last time he was caught with the secret email, looking for women on craigslist, etc... I told him that if he ever did it again, I was done. I can't go through it again. I've been dealing with this on and off for over 5 years. But he does it again, so what message is that telling me?

He has made an appointment to talk to someone. He said that hopefully the counselor will help him provide answers to why he keeps doing this. I am just so hurt!!! I wish I could just fast forward and let this healing be done with ... What he doesn't understand is that each time he betrays me, then all the other betrayals come to light again.

I have found comfort in this forum and appreciate any feedback….

[sourpuss]

Is it truly possible to love someone and knowingly hurt them, time after time..? I don't understand if he knows we will be over, why would he do it?? This is the thing, the last time he was caught with the secret email, looking for women on craigslist, etc... I told him that if he ever did it again, I was done. I can't go through it again. I've been dealing with this on and off for over 5 years. But he does it again, so what message is that telling me?

The other side of this is that you have to think about what message you are sending him. This is why I'm not a fan of ultimatums. You told him if it ever happened again that it was over, now it's happened again and you want to work it out. In my opinion, you only have to do that once for any ultimatum and the other knows you are not serious, that it's just a threat of words of anger. I'm not blaming you or pointing the finger, just stating my opinion. He now knows that he can play nice and make up and smooth everything over, so the risk is totally worth the reward (whatever that may be) and it certainly for him outweighs the consequences.

[ku1234]

You know, I haven't really looked at like that until now. I'm usually not a fan of ultimatums either, but I remembered saying that last time it happened. I was angry, hurt and I did give say that to him. I do think he will take that position now, that he can be nice and loving, and all will be good (until the next time). So this is what I've been struggling with, because I think something different needs to happen now. However, I feel that "something" needs to be drastic difference. Continuing like we are, I have zero confidence in his words and actions.

I love him with all my heart, even after the lies and betrayals. Yet, I feel I am only making matters worse by letting it go one more time... I will be curious to see what the therapist says to him. I feel like we need to be apart for awhile, that we need time to start thinking clearly again, at least I do. I know the risk is losing the marriage forever, but hopefully the reward will be saving the marriage. I don't know if separating it is the right thing to do, but I feel like that is the only answer. I am so confused. I keep trying to take my emotions out of it, but I can't.

[whit4488]

Ive said this to many other woman and will say it to you.
Leave, he is being unfaithful, and obviously the two of you arent on the same page, he has his wandering tendencies for his own reasons. He's unhappy, you dont deserve that. Walk away, as hard as it may be, put whatever your feeling aside and walk away. You have one precious life here on earth and for the remainder of it, dont spend it with someone who isnt worthy, when someone out there for you is. Keep your head up and dont back down on how you really feel, always be truthful with yourself and your loved ones, if tomorrow never comes, you'll wish you did.

[ku1234]

I hear what you are saying and I understand your point... Am I just being dumb by thinking "this time could be different...?" I have always thought, of he won't do it again, but he does!! He has an appointment to talk to a counselor next Tuesday. I am curious how he will go about it; he isn’t the type to share, so I will be curious to hear what her professional opinion is... He knows what he did was wrong and admits he needs help. I just want to fast forward a bit, to see what the future holds.

I read the other stories on here and my heart is saddened to see all the heartache that happens because of cheating.

[bella321]

My husband had a one night stand with a woman 20 years younger than him that I discovered he had been texting back and forth with for a month. He cut off all contact as soon as I discovered the texts but he lied about having sex with her for three months, until one of her friends threatened to "tell me everything". I am so hurt that my husband would lie and cheat like he did and I am having a very hard time trusting him. I love my husband dearly and am currently in therapy trying to deal with my feelings. My husband has to live and work out of state, which makes it difficult to deal with this situation. I found that his high school sweetheart (my husband is 50), sent him a message over the phone a few days ago and I told him that I was upset that he didnt inform me about it. This has lead to him blowing up at me, accusing me of ignoring him for years and claiming that I am trying to make him feel like sh-t by falsely accusing him of doing something wrong! I find it quite self centered for him to disregard the fact that he just cheated with a young woman four months ago, and only told me the truth about it one month ago. I cant imagine doing something like that to him. I am not going to contact him and he can sit in his own mess and try to figure out what to do about this situation.