[ku1234]

I am sorry to hear that you are forced to deal with the same betrayal and trust issues that I am. My heart goes out to you. I agree about their behavior being self centered. I've told my husband that it was he didn't consider anyone but himself when he was emailing girls back and forth.

He has been out of town for a couple days for work and it has been nice for me. However, last night after all the running around, practices, store, homework, etc.. I was getting ready for bed and realized I hadn't talked to him since 8 or so. He usually calls before he goes to bed. So I tried to call him, no answer. Called his hotel room, no answer. So I left a vm and sent a text message. He replied in a text that he didn't have good service and he was with the guys from the conference taking the booth down and he would call me in bit and that he loves me. This was at 11:50pm. I sent him a message that said I couldn’t believe him, that just 3 weeks ago he was caught trying to meet up with women and now he is out of town and awol, that the least he could do is reassure me. So t 1:57am, he sends another text that says he is in room, alone.

When the message came in I had fallen asleep. I woke back up after 4am and called him. He was out of it, said that he was with the other guys, having beers etc. I explained to him that in order for me to trust him he has to acknowledge that he needs to be accountable. He kept saying, I didn’t do anything wrong. Then he started being hateful and even said to me “you are paranoid, don’t you have anything better to do?” I replied, I’m paranoid because you have been lying and looking for other women for years, that is a good reason to be paranoid!

I just hung up the phone; I didn’t want to deal with him anymore. He is headed back today, but like you, I don’t plan on contacting him today. He sent a text message and said he woke up late, he will be done at 12pm and he loves me… I didn’t reply. At this point what can be said? I feel I have every right to be mad about last night. He could have been understanding and provided some level of comfort about me being upset. Instead, he chose to be a jerk.

He has his first appointment with the counselor on Tuesday. I can’t even stand the thought of looking at him right now, how could he disregard my feelings again? Then wake up and not even acknowledge it? Am I being unreasonable? Maybe I’m just so hurt from all of the betrayals, that I am making this into more than it is…

[WildChild]

4 am? I doubt if you are wrong.

[ku1234]

Actually I called him when I woke up at 4am, he sent me the text at 1:57am (2am). Even if he was with the other guys from the conference, after everything he has done, I still deserved a phone call. I know its all males at the conference, but I'm sure there are plenty of other females at the hotel,etc.

[bella321]

I am sorry to hear that you are forced to deal with the same betrayal and trust issues that I am. My heart goes out to you. I agree about their behavior being self centered. I've told my husband that it was he didn't consider anyone but himself when he was emailing girls back and forth.

I just hung up the phone; I didn’t want to deal with him anymore. He is headed back today, but like you, I don’t plan on contacting him today. He sent a text message and said he woke up late, he will be done at 12pm and he loves me… I didn’t reply. At this point what can be said? I feel I have every right to be mad about last night. He could have been understanding and provided some level of comfort about me being upset. Instead, he chose to be a jerk.

He has his first appointment with the counselor on Tuesday. I can’t even stand the thought of looking at him right now, how could he disregard my feelings again? Then wake up and not even acknowledge it? Am I being unreasonable? Maybe I’m just so hurt from all of the betrayals, that I am making this into more than it is…

Yeah, we are paranoid. That often happens when you have been betrayed by the person that you have made a lifetime comittment to. My husband sent me off the wall texts last night telling me that I am not supportive of him and that his job is sooo stressful and he has nobody to talk to about it.... Either he is a big time cry baby or he is paving the way to find another young hussy to lend him an ear. Oh, I forgot. I dont think that he talked about his job when he was screwing the 30 year old floozy four months ago. He started texting me first thing this morning apologizing for the stupid things that he said to me, then left me a voice mail saying he is depressed. I have not responded and dont plan to until I can make sure that I dont disolve in tears over the mean that he emailed to me yesterday. If he thinks that I am going to put up with that after he betrayed me, he is nuts.

[JustHormonious]

Hi Ku1234,

I know what you are going through, I have been there. Like most women that have been put in this situation, it will always be something that you did, or didn't do, that caused this. A man who cheats will never take full responsibility for his actions. It is a mind game, don't let him win. You have children that need an adult to help them understand what has happened. As mothers we have to pick ourselves up and carry on for our children. Him going to counseling has nothing to do with you. He is not going to admit the whole truth to a counselor. You will never trust him again and shouldn't..

Having children makes our decision a little harder because we don't want them to be hurt. You know what, we are not the ones hurting them, their father is. Let him step up and explain to them what he has done. Teach your children that a husband has to respect his wife and family. He didn't just cheat on you, he cheated on his family. He made this decision more than once, hold him accountable..

~B

[ku1234]

bella321 - how are things now? Have you talked to your husband since the emails? I know this is a hard time for you too. I also find myself getting so angry at times, and then I end up crying and then feeling like a baby. Ughh! It is miserable. I’ve always heard the phrase, "this too shall pass", and I just want to know, when??? When will I start feeling pretty again? When will I start feeling like a woman and not a lunatic? Makes me furious that he has seen me at my weakest point that he brought me too. In my mind he should be falling all over himself trying to make things right, but he isn’t. He isn’t making things worse, just not doing much. I know we aren’t supposed to expect others to act as we would in the same situation, but come on??

JustHormonious - I've thought the same thing about being honest with the counselor. I made that exact comment this weekend. I asked, "If you can't be honest with me, how are you going to be honest with a stranger..?"... He replied, "I will because I'm not afraid of losing them..." He truly thinks because he hasn't been with anyone else physically, that it isn't as bad as if he was sleeping with someone else. I reply, you said you wanted to, you were looking for someone else, just as bad.

Sometimes I feel myself just taking deep breaths; I mean real deep breaths, because I feel like I'm so worked up. This has been the hardest thing I've ever gone through in my life. We talked a little this weekend, but it accomplished nothing. It hurts me so bad when we talk and I get upset and he just sits there. He doesn't show me any compassion. He said he doesn't understand how I can just get upset after we had a great weekend. He is frustrated with the fact that something can trigger me. He keeps saying, "Well hopefully the counselor can help me understand things more..." As if what I am saying doesn't hold any truth.

So his appointment is at 4pm - I am s anxious to hear about it... I will wait for him to call to talk about it. One hour isn't going to give him enough time to tell everything either. Oh well, right? I just wish I could fast forward things, I wish I could take all this sadness, the inadequate feelings and toss them out the window. It makes me so mad that I have allowed him to make me question myself. How did that happen? Why do we let someone else determine how we feel about ourselves?

[bella321]

ku123, I have been doing better but still go through some of the things that you are describing. My husband has been pretty good but sometimes it is as though he has no compassion and no clue about how badly he has hurt me. I got a real shock a couple days ago when I accidently discovered that the woman he cheated with used to make pornographic movies. It looks like the last one was filmed about 6 years ago but she also has nude and rauchy photos posted on some xxx rated web sites that are easily accessible and free to take a peek at. My husband had told me that she used to be a topless dancer but I dont know if he was aware of the porn activity. This new info made me sick to my stomach. This woman obviously has several screws loose and God knows who she has had sex with prior to the so called one night stand with my husband. I couldnt help myself and I clicked onto the porn movies and all four of them are lesbian. I dont get it. This woman is very good looking and young enough to be my daughter. I feel so inadequate and sad when looking at my middle aged body. My husband continues to tell me that he doesnt care one bit about the other woman and he gets angry when I bring up her name. If he doesnt give a about her, why was he wiling to risk our marriage to carry on with her for a month? He continues to live and work out of state, in the same neighborhood as the other woman, while I sit here alone worrying.

[ku1234]

bella321 - I know exactly how you are feeling, especially about the lack of compassion for the hurt they have caused. Don't compare yourself to her, clearly you have more class than she or he will. You have to find strength to get through this, I know I have been trying so hard too... Are either of you in counseling?? My husband is seeing a counselor now, he has been twice so far and I have been seeing someone for awhile now. I think it helps just to have someone who is trained to listen and provde some tools to get through this mess. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers!!

[ku1234]

I am thankful I have this outlet/forum to discuss my problems. I really feel alone anymore about all this and I don't know what to do. If anyone can provide some feedback I would greatly appreciate it... here is an update of what has been going on:

My husband has been seeing the counselor, every week, and I have been seeing one as well. I don't know if there is a plan of us ever talking together - he says that I am welcome to come anytime to his, but I don't see anything positive coming from his sessions now. He thinks it is helping him stay calm and not get upset if we talk about the past/feelings, etc. Although, to me, he still doesn’t seem to have any compassion for me. I have tried to talk to him about all it and he tells me that when we talk about the horrible things he has done, it does something to him that makes him completely disconnect. His counselor calls is "fight or flight"...

In my mind, I wish he would say loving things to me. But he doesn't. He has not made any attempts to be intimate with me at all. When I ask him about that, he says that after all of our talks, he loses interest in sex. He tells me when I bring it up that he wants to be with me, that he only loves me, but his actions say something else.

Things are fine if I don't say anything about how I feel, or anything that makes me sad or upset. When I say fine, I mean, we just take care of the kids, etc. I just wish that he made me feel like I was something worth losing; something valuable... he thinks that he listening to me when I am upset shows me how much he must love me. I don't agree with that, I feel like I deserve to be treated like I am something special. He says he doesn't want to lose me, but he doesn't act like someone who is deeply sorry either. He says that he knows what he did wrong and knows how I feel, just doesn't want to talk about all the time. Neither do I, but it is a topic when nothing is changing.

All the things he wrote about how these women turned him on, how beautiful they were, who he didn't know, really makes me feel like I must be something ugly. I don't think I am unattractive, I am not over weight, I am in great shape, I run, take care of myself, but for some reason when I am around him, I feel s unattractive. I can't understand why he doesn't even try to be with me, he knows that would make me feel good, but he won't do it. What do I do??

[JustHormonious]

First, you need to stop beating yourself up. You have reached out your hand yet again to this man and his is not grabbing hold. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG--NOTHING!!!! If I had to guess, this is not moving forward because he has not told you the whole truth yet. He is still hiding something and this is why he won't be intimate with you.

You need to ask yourself: Why am I allowing myself to be treated this way? You deserve so much better! You have the right to be angry and you deserve the truth. How long are you willing to wait?

If you don't mind me asking.. What is it that you think sleeping with him will resolve?