[Wishful]

I have been married to my husband for 3 years (together 5). Like most relationships, this started out wonderfully, as he was extremely caring and attentive. I have children from a previous relationship, but we do have one child together. He used to be great with all of the kids, but it seems that he really only favors his biological one. Also, he is about 5 years younger than me, so I always gave him a little more leeway regarding his own behavior. Unfortunately, during our marriage (not at all while dating) he has gotten physical here and there. He has lied about things (and been caught lying). He can be emotionally dissappointing. I am not allowed to have feelings other than happiness and rainbows it seems. If I am upset at something that may have to do with him (heck, even if it doesn't) he gets very jerky with me. He doesn't necessarily communicate with his family or his friends. I used to encourage these things, but then I noticed that he would get aggitated with me, so I stopped. Because of a prior incident when he was physical, I am still very resentful. Most of all, I am resentful because not a lot of his friends or family knows about this, so when then know that i am upset with him, they all just think that i'm some jerky person who is mean to her husband. He tells everyone how much he loves me, but at home, he his not as nice, except when he needs something. The thing is, I think this relationship is over. He won't get help for anything. He won't even do the family therapy thing with me. We tried this once a while ago, but it didn't help. Should I just be done with all of this madness. I feel like i have somehow lost myself along the way.

[jns]

It sounds like the two of you should be in therapy. Everything sounds salvageable, but you need to start working things out soon. It will probably be hard to get him in therapy because he feels everything is OK. Ask him if he is going to get physical with you in the future and if that is what he wants to do. If not and he doesn't want to get to that point in the future, therapy should help the both of you redefine the relationship fo the better.

[Hopeless Dork]

I am trying to read between the lines of what you said , which was a little vague, and have some questions that might help readers provide some more thoughts on your situation.

When you say he's been physical, do you mean he has hit you?

When you say he has lied and been caught in lies... we're these lies related to infidelities? money?

When you say he favors his biological child do you mean that you just know he does in his heart or does he make it obvious to the other children? Do you think your children feel less important, less loved?

When you say you tried the family therapy thing and it didn't help in the past, did he make an effort to go? Did he try opening up there?

[Wishful]

Thank you for the input. Sorry it's taken me so long to get back to this post. To Hopeless's questions: Right around the time we were getting ready to walk down the isle, he would on occassion be the "pushy-shovey" type. Unfortunately, last year, while he was drunk-asleep (which I did not know at the time), I tried to wake him up, and he jumped out of his sleep and slammed me into a wall several times. I got a nasty concussion and shoulder injury. I don't buy the "black-out" theory anymore, because as time has past, I have remembered things more clearly, and remember him walking over me to use the bathroom before walking back to the couch to go back to sleep. When I say he "lies" this is in regards to financial things, therefore, I now handle all finances (which makes my job a lot harder). He has also lied about what time he really gets off of work, and whether or not he has smoked pot. (I'm a fairly good detective, and he his definitely obvious.) His parents accused him of stealing money. We didn't have money at this time, so of course, I believed him. Now I wonder. He treats my children differently, and I believe they notice because they range in age. At least the older ones do, as far as I can tell. We tried therapy. It doesn't work unless you work it. He didn't "work it." He does not want to go back to therapy. He has anger problems, and regardless of him being dormant as a physical being, he is goes the emotional route - probably because you can't go to jail for that. At that, he is passive aggressive about his emotional abuse. He controls when we do or do not have a conversation. If he doesn't like what I am saying or even how I'm feeling about a situation, he will tune me out, mock me, or become loud. I recently gave him my thoughts on breaking up. He cried. He said he would do "something". Notice how he avoids the "getting help" part. That lasted 2 days before he was snarky and rude to me and the kids.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Wishful, it sounds dangerous to me...

He smokes pot, drinks to excess, has anger issues, (probably more so when drinking), puts you down, emotionally abuses you, physcially slammed you more than once against the wall, one would think you would wake up after the first push, he pushes you, shove you, puts you down, controls your every word, steals to pay for his drugs, verbally abuses you, therapy is not what you both need. He needs anger management and theorpy for his drugs/alcohol..

You said that he probably hasn't hit you since, because he would go to jaol so, he alternatively verbally, emotionally abuses you...

You can't change someone, they need to want to change.. He doesn't, or can't...

In my opinion, the best thing you can do for you and for your children is to go... He loves his child and that is why he cried in my opinion, because he treats you with control and abuse and ignores your other children.

They are important too. They can see what's going on, it is not good for them, you have to view it from all angles...

Someone who is controlling and abusive will always hide it, will always make others think they are angels until behind closed doors.

Is this the sort of life you want to live? Do you really believe that he will not push you up against the wall again and hurt you? Do you really believe that your children are not being affected?

Sweet, if there was no physical abuse, and sometimes loving, I'd say something different, but there is and there is no loving...

For you
and for your children's sake.

Tell your family and move out.

CW

[Wishful]

Thank you for your encouragement. I have already begun getting boxes (because why would he want to leave?). I have an interview tomorrow (finances has been a way of his control for the last few years). I had always been independent before him. I stopped working to stay home with the kids, and maybe that's why I tried to make things work, because I felt so trapped. He controls the income flow, even though I handle all of the bills. I have a great support system of friends, and that makes the difference. I guess I just needed an opinion from someone who doesn't know either of us but knows the situation. As I was typing, I thought the same things. This has been very theraputic for me (even though I am already in therapy). I am grateful for your words, Chandlers Wish. Thank you.