[tigs]

I'm new to this site, and hope this is the right place to post this thread!

My husband and I have been married almost 1.5 years, been together for 4.5 and known each other for 6 years. I found out about a month ago that he has created a profile on 2 different websites, listing himself as single, and looking to settle down with someone. He's taken compatability tests, uploaded a picture of himself and completed the profile. As well, he's been looking at porn a lot lately, following porn stars on twitter and getting emails from fan clubs weekly. I first discovered this because the dating website was in the history about 2 months ago, and I asked him why the site was visited, he said that it was a joke sent by a friend of his. I asked him if he had a profile on there or something and he said no of course not. Then a month later, I heard him mention this particular dating site to a neighbour saying that the site was good, and free! So I went to the site and used his usual username or nickname for other sites, and his usual password that he told me like 2.5 years ago, and there was his profile. I then logged into his email and saw the emails from another dating site confirming his registration and sending him matches. When I confronted him about this he said someone else must have registered him for it, and I said no, the picture uploaded was only saved on OUR computer, not uploaded online anywhere, then he said that he didn't remember doing it. And said no point in talking about it because he doesnt remember doing it.

My heart is so hurt and I go through times of absolute resentment and anger to sorrow and sadness. Our marriage has been hurting for the past 6 months, with communication problems, sex problems (he doesnt want foreplay, wont engage with sex when I initiate it, and wakes me up by "screwing" me... sorry to be graphic, but I cant call it making love... ) etc but I thought we were working on it, and doing well.... I thought it was just an "adjustment period".

I just don't know what to do about this!! We are seeing a counsellor in a week's time, but I really worry that he won't put much effort into it. Any tips, feedback, anything would be really appreciated.

[jns]

He sounds very selfish and possibly dangerous. He initiating sex with you asleep could be construed as rape. He also sounds like a control freak. You can do better. It would taking breaking your marriage. I hope the counseling works, but I don't think it can change someone that much.

[Olympia]

My heart goes out to you... As i have been there!
The lies, disception, and disrespect. As well as the concern for the possibility for STD's..
I truly hope the counselling works out for you both.
And does not turn into a cycle.

[Hopeless Dork]

Gosh hon, if he owned up for what he's been doing, appologised, agreed to talk to you about why he felt the need to do that, what he feels is missing in his life, etc... it would all still hurt like needles but at least there would be hope. Him denying the obvious (a friend wouldn't have picked his usual user name and password for sign up if it was a gag), him lying saying he doesn't remember... how can you fix when he wont come clean? How can he ever talk about what has lead him to do this and what will prevent him when he can't even admit doing it?

Hopefully he will open up in counseling and you guys can find out if you both want the same things out of this marriage because it doesn't sound like you do. It sounds like he doesn't want to stop being single which is completely counter-intuitive to marriage or a committed relationship.

But I have to ask you this... even if he wants to save this marriage, comes clean, says sorry, admits why he did it, works on trying to find a way to not need it in the future... I have to ask you if YOU are happy with him?

He sounds distant sexually, rejecting you, being inconsiderate of your needs, taking you for granted and so on. What are the things he does that make you feel loved and special? Does he do anything?

You've been with him for so long, so committed and loyal and in love that maybe you have forgotten that there are men out there that will put a smile on your face instead of making you cry, that will adore you, compliment you, make you feel like the beautiful woman you are. Men that wouldn't dream of joining a dating site while being married to you, men that would never make the only time you guys have sex about themselves only.

I'm not advocating you to leave... I'm just asking you to ask yourself what it is about him that you are happy with anyway? Is it a matter of dependency? A matter of time already invested that you don't want to lose? It sounds like before you ever even found the dating profiles you were feeling something was amiss in your relationship.

[rcoreyus]

It is possible that he isn't serious about the dating site, but just wanted to see if other women would be interested in him - just wants the ego boost of knowing that someone else is attracted to him. Maybe.

It sounds like your marriage had problems before this, so I think the dating sites are a symptom, not the source of the problem.

Through the counseling try to find out what he wants. Let him find out what you want. It might be just a terrible miscommunication - each of you reacting to the other in an increasingly negative way. It may also be that you just aren't as suited for each other as you thought.

In either case, I don't think blame matters in a relationship. If you can be happy together, then you should. If, for whatever reason, you can't, then you should end it - not try to force a relationship that doesn't work.

[Hopeless Dork]

It is possible that he isn't serious about the dating site, but just wanted to see if other women would be interested in him - just wants the ego boost of knowing that someone else is attracted to him. Maybe.

This is a very plausible reason. I think its harder for men to get validation that they 'still got it' than it is for women. All a woman has to do is go into a grocery store and notice the men checking her out or hitting on her to see that , oh yeah, I'm a hot mama (lol). Since men generally have to do the approaching to get any idea if a woman is interested in them, if they are insecure its probably hard for them to get the validation that other women still find them attractive. Putting up a dating profile and seeing how many women bite could be something done simply to inflate their ego's.

Or... it could be a way of seeing whats out there , as in not being completely content with their current situation (which is not a relfection on you, but on them). Maybe no true intent to cheat unless they scored a bigger better deal, but in my opinion thats just as bad. I don't know any woman that would be happy feeling settled for and as long as nothing "better" comes along their man won't stray.

But it could have very possibly been a way for him to seek out extramarital affairs. Thing is you will never know his intent unless he admits to doing it in the first place. My biggest issue would be finding out the why... why he felt the need for it, what he expected to gain from it, when (if ever) he planned to tell you he was doing this or why he didn't just come clean and give you the opportunity to be in an open marriage and get your own dating profile or to move on without him.

[mr.mansview]

i think HD has hit on the 3 most likely scenerios..all very logical, but him saying he "forgot", smells of scenerio #2 or #3

[tigs]

Thanks for all of your comments... They have given me some things to think about for sure. When I be honest with myself, I am not happy with him. I am even more unhappy with him now that I've found all of this out, but I haven't been "happily in love" for the last 6 months (approx). He used to buy me sweet cards and love notes, and surprise me with them... but not anymore. He used to cuddle with me and tell me I'm beautiful, but not anymore. He doesnt show appreciation, kindness or love to me let alone respect. So yeah... what is it that I'm happy with? Nothing. And when I was pondering today why I am still with him, It came to me that I'm scared to leave the relationship. For reasons like: how will I support myself being single? What will happen to the puppy we got together? What will it be like to date again? Also I think of the times where he was a good partner, friend and lover. I want those days back, but the question is, will we ever return to those days? Will I ever get over this heartache of the man who he's become. A close friend of mine told me last night that no matter how much I want to deny it, there is at least 1 other man out there could I would be happier with, and probably way more than that 1. I believe her, I'm just scared. I didn't want to be another statistic, but he isnt the same man I've fallen in love with, and I don't want to live the rest of my life with the man he is now.

Thanks again for all your comments. They really mean a lot, and have helped me when thinking about all this stuff. You are all great!

[Allie602]

........ how will I support myself being single? What will happen to the puppy we got together? What will it be like to date again? Also I think of the times where he was a good partner, friend and lover. I want those days back, but the question is, will we ever return to those days? Will I ever get over this heartache of the man who he's become. A close friend of mine told me last night that no matter how much I want to deny it, there is at least 1 other man out there could I would be happier with, and probably way more than that 1. I believe her, I'm just scared. I didn't want to be another statistic, but he isnt the same man I've fallen in love with, and I don't want to live the rest of my life with the man he is now. !

Fear, the great paralyzer, not unusual to be frozen in time but think of the alternative. Lets say you stay - he is not able to love you now, he is addicted to porn, sexually abusive, self-cenetered, deceptive. Just imagine having children and really being stuck. He is treating you badly because he does not think you will leave so he takes you for granted.

You said he was a nice person at once, how well did you know him? Anyway, that man you are hoping will reappear was never there or is dead. He may have been concealing his true nature from you or some crisis has overtaken him and drastically changed him. I think the former is more likely, this is the real man, his basic character is that he is deceptive, sexually self-centered, entitled and insecure. You may have ignored these tendencies in the early stages only you know that.

Is there any real reason not to move on except fear on your part? If you want better you will have to work for it, that means that you will have yo get out and support yourself, leave the puppy behind, embrace dating again. None of these are impossible and the work and effort you put into your life will pay off in spades. You can stagnate with this very flawed man or go out and get someone who is able to love and be loved.

[Wishful]

You have no idea how common this is (unfortunately). It sounds like he may have a porn addiction, which isn't too hard to get. I even had a close female friend once who confided that she would stay up late nights unable to sleep because she was so enthralled by all of the porn! ( you internet!!) The dating sites thing, well, that is a whole new ballgame. And you've even caught him in a lie. The only thing that I can offer you is to confront him peacefully by stating your concerns, how it makes you feel, and letting him know that you are willing to go to therapy with him, but he must seek individual therapy for his own problem as well. (Practice what you say in short sentences first because men get lost after too many words... don't i know...) Either way, therapy only works if you work it. If he doesn't work it for himself, it won't work at all. Always keep in mind, people do change, it's just a matter of personal choice. You too should seek some individual therapy as a support for yourself through all of this. Set a time limit in your head for when you would like to see things improve. Stick to it. Don't be like me and beat a dead horse (so to say). I just got my boxes today!! (packing soon) Best of luck to you. All the good energy in the universe to you!