I really want to start off and say that I am EXTREMELY fragile. If you think you might be doing me a service by being very blunt and negative, you're not. I'd prefer to have no "your relationship is doomed", "he will cheat again", or "leave him" remarks, because I have made my choice and I don't want to be even more confused. That's not what this is really even about at this point. That being said, from what I have observed, this is a very supportive community.
I have been dating a guy for over 2 years. We are essentially soul mates. I have told him every darkest crevice of my heart, brain, and soul and we agree on most everything and have the same interests. When we fight, it is because we're both too similar. He is the most kind, nurturing, loving man imaginable. I am very distrusting of people and I have a bond with him like no other.
The story is messed up. My best friend has this horrid sister. Well, that sister started being really nice to me. Then to both me and him. We started all three hanging out a lot. I really started to value her "friendship". Well, I went to PA with another friend and the sister called, asking if again we could hang out. I told her I was in PA, and she said, what about just me and him? He is 19, she is a 25 year old high school teacher. They simply had about 3 things in common and nothing more. She is about 400 lbs and completely gross. I really trusted him and somewhat her, and I didn't mind them hanging out. So, they go to Walmart, and then to my house to take care of my ferrets. Then they go to some nice Southern diner, and to her house (she lives with her parents even though she has a teaching career, simply because she has no friends and gets lonely) and watched a movie with her parents. Meanwhile, she was mixing smoothies for him with Malibu in them. Eventually they went upstairs and watched another movie. They both got, in his words, "stupid drunk" from shots and at least one bottle of wine, and she started hitting on him. A lot. He ignored it but eventually he started kissing her. The rest you can guess. They did, in her words, "the whole 9 yards" except anal. And it happened twice that night, they went to bed at 3, woke up at 6, and he did her again, still drunk, finally coming to completion with his eyes closed (as he couldn't get there the other two times by looking at her). Eventually they sobered up. Between him (though he tried his best not to tell me the entirely of it at first because he was so afraid to hurt me) the sister, my friend, the sister's best friend, and their mom, I got the whole tale. He claims he doesn't remember that night, and she said he said things, like "you're better than (my name)" and that she was classy, intelligent, and somehow convinced him that he confessed love to her. He says he knows he never loved her – he was so confused by his actions that for a day or so he wondered but quickly dismissed the idea. He was ripped and confused, embarrassed and suicidal. I kicked him out and he went to stay with his friend, and she picked him up "to talk". Nothing happened, but I threw a fit and he had someone pick him up because I said it was a slim shot at ever seeing me again, or their little talk – his choice. As far as I was concerned they didn’t need to have any more private moments together and there was nothing to discuss.
She has been relentless since then, saying she deserves him and he wants her, and that they had something I never did and have more in common. What, does she think my relationship was built on, sand? She keeps claiming she is pregnant or got an STD from him, neither of which are true but both are highly upsetting to me. She had a heart attack about 3 days after and used it as an excuse to contact him and called us both terrible names when his reply was, “I am sorry about that, it’s good that you’re okay, but please stop contacting me”.
Where to begin with him...Well, he finally opened up to me fully and told me the truth in all of its horrid details, and comforted me as I got hugely emotional. He actually doesn’t remember much, and she has taken advantage of that by claiming he said things that he doesn’t think he did, and seem out of his character. The first few days I kicked him out, and when he came back he had to sleep on the floor for some time. I had so much anger. I actually lost my nerve and backhanded him, busting his nose bloody. He took it. He says he doesn’t know why he did it, and he is just as confused as me. He said he didn’t find her appealing or want to be with her. He can’t explain why he allegedly said the things he said but he says that all he knows was that he was stupid drunk, and that that doesn’t excuse his actions even then. We had been struggling a past few months prior to the event, and fought a lot and didn’t have sex much, which was unusual since most of our relationship had been smoothe sailing. He said either way it was a huge mistake and she meant nothing to him. He said that he can be impulsive in general, and he will never put himself in a situation where anything could get out of had again – even though he swears he could never do it again anyhow after seeing just how much it tore me up. He suggested that we reboot – start over from scratch.
It’s been months. He stopped contacting her within even coming back to my house, which was in the first 4 days maybe. When she bugged him he told me immediately. He changed his number, blocked her, etc. He called her one last time maybe 2 months ago to tell her to LEAVE HIM ALONE and stop contacting him or his friends, and that she meant nothing to him. I was there for that conversation. We live together and have since high school – he moved in with me and my parents due to at home situations on his end. I have checked phone records, called the phone company, scoured the computer…I have done every sneaky thing possible to catch someone in the act, and…nothing. I am pretty tech-savvy, and hiding it from me would be hard. He only has one phone and laptop, which is my old laptop, so I know he doesn’t have a secret phone somewhere. He is not mobile and we carpool to school together, so I know he’s not sneaking off. He’s doing what he is supposed to. He has been living by the conditions we set when we got back together. He has nurtured me, dealt with accusations and unpredictability, and dealt with me freaking out, never complaining once. People say, once a cheater, always a cheater – but I’ve been with cheaters and he acts totally different. He had endless patience, seemingly no interest in anyone else (he never has EVER talked about another woman being “hott” in my presence, or been a looker) He, as always, is truly head over heals for me, and I know it. I can feel it, I have no doubt. Everyone else can feel it, it radiates off of him like patouli radiates off of a hippie. I’ve never been so loved or loved like I love him. I truly think he won’t cheat again, and so do my closest friends and his, and they’d be honest with me and have been in past relationships. He shows remorse like no other, and would do anything to prove himself. He even said if I go on a 10 week trip I planned for this summer he would willingly wear a chastity device, just to put my mind at ease (they LOCK mind you). I don’t think I could do that to him, but that shows dedication for sure.
To the issue: How can I put my mind at ease? I still get jealous, and being cheated on with that….creature…kills my self esteem. I understand that though predatory and skanky as she is, he was more at fault as he was the one with the commitment. But I am jealous and hateful of her for using me, and being persistent, and because she says to this day, “what I did was okay, because I thought he liked me”. That doesn’t even make sense, and she obviously doesn’t get it. She is so sick too, and has since come out about doing things with her dogs when she feels lonely and about wanting to seduce the teenage boys she teaches. It has messed up my relationship with me and my best friend (who is her sister) even though it has little to do with my friend. How can I leave behind this hatred and guilt and move on? Things about that night don’t add up. He says he doesn’t understand either, and the situation confuses him. I don’t think he is lying, and I do believe he doesn’t remember a lot. His memory sucks and when drunk it’s hopeless. He said he will stay with me and love me forever, no matter how long it takes – even if I never get over it. Our relationship in many aspects is better than ever, as this event caused up both to reevaluate things and realize that we took each other for granted and didn’t treat each other as well as we could. Both of us have made changes that have made our relationship 10x more positive. So…how do I get over this trauma? I feel so much hatred – towards men, towards women especially big ones (my abusive ex cheated on my at least 7 times, all with morbidly obese women) and just life in general. I want to shake these feelings. I am slowly gaining trust again – I am confident it won’t happen again. But sometimes I flip out for no reason and accuse him of bizarre things in a rabid fashion. I want to just be happy with him. How do I get over this and shake my worsened dislike for people? I feel so threatened by other women, and it took me years to get over that from my abusive ex. I feel inadequate – she is so ugly, and classy? Yeah right. Her idea of spaghetti is soggy off-brand noodles with Ketchep from the Food Lion bargain bin on it. I’m not classy but at least I’m not a human waste bin and tool for semen disposal. He always tries to boost my ego but it doesn’t fix the feelings of inadequacy towards her. I feel like I live in her shadow, if that makes sense. And what upsets me is that he is doing his best to fix that, and it’s not working. Also, things don't add up and I keep trying to get more answers. I ask the same things over and over and I have pushed him into sobbing by telling him I think he is keeping things from me -- he swears he is not and feels like his hands are tied because he can't technically PROVE that he never felt anything for her, or that he didn't plan to do this with her before it happened, etc. I like, believe him yet I don't accept it -- that's the closest way to word how I feel if that statement seems like nonsense. I know now the change has to come from within me to let this go….just….how?
I love him dearly, and I know he loves me like the very earth he lives on. I think that I am still in denial partially about this incident. I can't...recover. I am not even sure I have accepted that it's happened. Some days I feel like I have moved on and other I feel like I just found out for the first time. I am hurting him, I know I am, and even though he stands strong, I know at some point I need to gain control of myself.
Thanks, sorry it’s so long.
I have been dating a guy for over 2 years. We are essentially soul mates. I have told him every darkest crevice of my heart, brain, and soul and we agree on most everything and have the same interests. When we fight, it is because we're both too similar. He is the most kind, nurturing, loving man imaginable. I am very distrusting of people and I have a bond with him like no other.
The story is messed up. My best friend has this horrid sister. Well, that sister started being really nice to me. Then to both me and him. We started all three hanging out a lot. I really started to value her "friendship". Well, I went to PA with another friend and the sister called, asking if again we could hang out. I told her I was in PA, and she said, what about just me and him? He is 19, she is a 25 year old high school teacher. They simply had about 3 things in common and nothing more. She is about 400 lbs and completely gross. I really trusted him and somewhat her, and I didn't mind them hanging out. So, they go to Walmart, and then to my house to take care of my ferrets. Then they go to some nice Southern diner, and to her house (she lives with her parents even though she has a teaching career, simply because she has no friends and gets lonely) and watched a movie with her parents. Meanwhile, she was mixing smoothies for him with Malibu in them. Eventually they went upstairs and watched another movie. They both got, in his words, "stupid drunk" from shots and at least one bottle of wine, and she started hitting on him. A lot. He ignored it but eventually he started kissing her. The rest you can guess. They did, in her words, "the whole 9 yards" except anal. And it happened twice that night, they went to bed at 3, woke up at 6, and he did her again, still drunk, finally coming to completion with his eyes closed (as he couldn't get there the other two times by looking at her). Eventually they sobered up. Between him (though he tried his best not to tell me the entirely of it at first because he was so afraid to hurt me) the sister, my friend, the sister's best friend, and their mom, I got the whole tale. He claims he doesn't remember that night, and she said he said things, like "you're better than (my name)" and that she was classy, intelligent, and somehow convinced him that he confessed love to her. He says he knows he never loved her – he was so confused by his actions that for a day or so he wondered but quickly dismissed the idea. He was ripped and confused, embarrassed and suicidal. I kicked him out and he went to stay with his friend, and she picked him up "to talk". Nothing happened, but I threw a fit and he had someone pick him up because I said it was a slim shot at ever seeing me again, or their little talk – his choice. As far as I was concerned they didn’t need to have any more private moments together and there was nothing to discuss.
She has been relentless since then, saying she deserves him and he wants her, and that they had something I never did and have more in common. What, does she think my relationship was built on, sand? She keeps claiming she is pregnant or got an STD from him, neither of which are true but both are highly upsetting to me. She had a heart attack about 3 days after and used it as an excuse to contact him and called us both terrible names when his reply was, “I am sorry about that, it’s good that you’re okay, but please stop contacting me”.
Where to begin with him...Well, he finally opened up to me fully and told me the truth in all of its horrid details, and comforted me as I got hugely emotional. He actually doesn’t remember much, and she has taken advantage of that by claiming he said things that he doesn’t think he did, and seem out of his character. The first few days I kicked him out, and when he came back he had to sleep on the floor for some time. I had so much anger. I actually lost my nerve and backhanded him, busting his nose bloody. He took it. He says he doesn’t know why he did it, and he is just as confused as me. He said he didn’t find her appealing or want to be with her. He can’t explain why he allegedly said the things he said but he says that all he knows was that he was stupid drunk, and that that doesn’t excuse his actions even then. We had been struggling a past few months prior to the event, and fought a lot and didn’t have sex much, which was unusual since most of our relationship had been smoothe sailing. He said either way it was a huge mistake and she meant nothing to him. He said that he can be impulsive in general, and he will never put himself in a situation where anything could get out of had again – even though he swears he could never do it again anyhow after seeing just how much it tore me up. He suggested that we reboot – start over from scratch.
It’s been months. He stopped contacting her within even coming back to my house, which was in the first 4 days maybe. When she bugged him he told me immediately. He changed his number, blocked her, etc. He called her one last time maybe 2 months ago to tell her to LEAVE HIM ALONE and stop contacting him or his friends, and that she meant nothing to him. I was there for that conversation. We live together and have since high school – he moved in with me and my parents due to at home situations on his end. I have checked phone records, called the phone company, scoured the computer…I have done every sneaky thing possible to catch someone in the act, and…nothing. I am pretty tech-savvy, and hiding it from me would be hard. He only has one phone and laptop, which is my old laptop, so I know he doesn’t have a secret phone somewhere. He is not mobile and we carpool to school together, so I know he’s not sneaking off. He’s doing what he is supposed to. He has been living by the conditions we set when we got back together. He has nurtured me, dealt with accusations and unpredictability, and dealt with me freaking out, never complaining once. People say, once a cheater, always a cheater – but I’ve been with cheaters and he acts totally different. He had endless patience, seemingly no interest in anyone else (he never has EVER talked about another woman being “hott” in my presence, or been a looker) He, as always, is truly head over heals for me, and I know it. I can feel it, I have no doubt. Everyone else can feel it, it radiates off of him like patouli radiates off of a hippie. I’ve never been so loved or loved like I love him. I truly think he won’t cheat again, and so do my closest friends and his, and they’d be honest with me and have been in past relationships. He shows remorse like no other, and would do anything to prove himself. He even said if I go on a 10 week trip I planned for this summer he would willingly wear a chastity device, just to put my mind at ease (they LOCK mind you). I don’t think I could do that to him, but that shows dedication for sure.
To the issue: How can I put my mind at ease? I still get jealous, and being cheated on with that….creature…kills my self esteem. I understand that though predatory and skanky as she is, he was more at fault as he was the one with the commitment. But I am jealous and hateful of her for using me, and being persistent, and because she says to this day, “what I did was okay, because I thought he liked me”. That doesn’t even make sense, and she obviously doesn’t get it. She is so sick too, and has since come out about doing things with her dogs when she feels lonely and about wanting to seduce the teenage boys she teaches. It has messed up my relationship with me and my best friend (who is her sister) even though it has little to do with my friend. How can I leave behind this hatred and guilt and move on? Things about that night don’t add up. He says he doesn’t understand either, and the situation confuses him. I don’t think he is lying, and I do believe he doesn’t remember a lot. His memory sucks and when drunk it’s hopeless. He said he will stay with me and love me forever, no matter how long it takes – even if I never get over it. Our relationship in many aspects is better than ever, as this event caused up both to reevaluate things and realize that we took each other for granted and didn’t treat each other as well as we could. Both of us have made changes that have made our relationship 10x more positive. So…how do I get over this trauma? I feel so much hatred – towards men, towards women especially big ones (my abusive ex cheated on my at least 7 times, all with morbidly obese women) and just life in general. I want to shake these feelings. I am slowly gaining trust again – I am confident it won’t happen again. But sometimes I flip out for no reason and accuse him of bizarre things in a rabid fashion. I want to just be happy with him. How do I get over this and shake my worsened dislike for people? I feel so threatened by other women, and it took me years to get over that from my abusive ex. I feel inadequate – she is so ugly, and classy? Yeah right. Her idea of spaghetti is soggy off-brand noodles with Ketchep from the Food Lion bargain bin on it. I’m not classy but at least I’m not a human waste bin and tool for semen disposal. He always tries to boost my ego but it doesn’t fix the feelings of inadequacy towards her. I feel like I live in her shadow, if that makes sense. And what upsets me is that he is doing his best to fix that, and it’s not working. Also, things don't add up and I keep trying to get more answers. I ask the same things over and over and I have pushed him into sobbing by telling him I think he is keeping things from me -- he swears he is not and feels like his hands are tied because he can't technically PROVE that he never felt anything for her, or that he didn't plan to do this with her before it happened, etc. I like, believe him yet I don't accept it -- that's the closest way to word how I feel if that statement seems like nonsense. I know now the change has to come from within me to let this go….just….how?
I love him dearly, and I know he loves me like the very earth he lives on. I think that I am still in denial partially about this incident. I can't...recover. I am not even sure I have accepted that it's happened. Some days I feel like I have moved on and other I feel like I just found out for the first time. I am hurting him, I know I am, and even though he stands strong, I know at some point I need to gain control of myself.
Thanks, sorry it’s so long.
Its usually based on convienence for who they do that with I think.
Get The Newsletter
Comment