[Winged_Muse]

Alright so this doesn't deal with me complaining about him or anything like that, it's more to deal with his family.

Anyway, heres a little back story.
My fiance and I have been together almost 5 years (will be in March). We met in high school and both went to college together and everything. Neither of us have jobs yet but we're looking so we both still live at home with our parents (Lame right?). Anyway, he is the middle child of his family. He has a brother 16 years older than him who just turned 39 and a younger brother who will be 18. His older brother has 3 kids, one of which we hardly get to see and the other two who ride the bus over to his house every day after school. His older brother also just divorced his wife and now has a girlfriend who can't do anything around the house and leaves it all up to the brother. His family is awesome as it is (or at least most of the time) but there is something that bothers both me and my fiance.

They rely on him to do EVERYTHING basically. His mom is 63ish and works two jobs and is completely able to drive. His dad is 72 and is a heavy machinery mechanic and still a child at heart (coolest guy). His 18 year old brother is in his senior year of high school and is perfectly capable of driving. His older brother works for a tire company and works pretty hard. Anyway, they make him do just about everything. He has to go to the store for his mom, he has to go to the bank, he has to take his neice and nephew home, etc etc and it happens without them really asking him. They just assume that he'll do it and it's taking a toll on him. About 3 weeks ago he had a break down and actually walked out of his house, down the bike path and sat there thinking of killing himself because of the strain it took on him. Needless to say it scared the out of me pretty quick to find out he was thinking that because I care so much for him but they constantly nag him to do stuff. They never ask his younger brother to go out and do something for them. He never goes to the store for them or anything like that and he's perfectly capable of doing so. I just don't get it and he's talked to his mom countless times about it and it just ends up in a fight.

Tonight it happened actually. We were down at my fiance's house and his neice and nephew were over after school like always. His older brother had been working all night and called earlier in the day saying he was going to take a nap and then would be over by 7 to get the kids. Well he called and expected us to drop them off at home when he said he would be out and about anyway. He told his dad that he wanted to save some gas from having to pick up the kids even though he lives like, maybe a mile and a half away but my fiance has to use his gas just to take them home. Thankfully his dad offered to take them home but we left about 10 minutes after he got home and his mom got on his case how we couldn't have gone 10 minutes before and dropped them off and she just got all mad about it. My fiance is sick of having to run everyone's errands and it's really taking a toll.

What do we do in this situation even after he's talked to his mom countless times and everything and nothing has changed? I'm really starting to get sick of it myself since I am also without a job and i'm with him all the time (can't drive either) so i to have to deal with it. Any help is appreciated.

[p3375]

WM: until your fiance starts saying "no" - and sticking to that - nothing will change.
Pat

[CHANDLERS WISH]

His parents, were in their 40's /50's, so they have old fashioned values, that being that the children do what ever, if one is lazy so be it, the other will do it.

The younger brother is too young, they expect the olders to do it, and the older one is working 24/7 and really probably was sleeping..

Anyway, they make him do just about everything. He has to go to the store for his mom, he has to go to the bank, he has to take his neice and nephew home, etc etc and it happens without them really asking him. They just assume that he'll do it and it's taking a toll on him. About 3 weeks ago he had a break down and actually walked out of his house, down the bike path and sat there thinking of killing himself because of the strain it took on him

This has to be spoken to his parents, it's too much on him, he can't cope with being the only one, you have to tell them exactly what you wrote here, they have to see that..

I can understand your fear, be strong and tell them...

Age is a number, certainly but in the oldern days, people just did, we live in a different world, stress can push us to the edge..

CW

[Ashlee T.]

His mom is in her 60's, working two jobs. That's pretty darn admirable in my opinion. His dad is in his 70's and still working. He's not working, he's home, he has no obligations and no financial responsibilities. Right? So is it totally unreasonable that because he lives with them, rent free, while they both work their tails off, that he may be the one they ask to run errands? I dunno, if it were me, I'd take the errands graciously as be thankful I had a free roof over my head, free hot water, free tv, and free food.

If he's really that resentful of the things he is asked to do for his family, then he needs to get a j-o-b (whether it's bagging groceries, flipping burgers, etc) and make a life for himself.

[sourpuss]

I agree with BD, his parents are older and working really hard. I'm sure harder than they want to work and should work at their age. In my opinion, they shouldn't have to lift a finger at home considering they have people there whom are able bodied adults living for free.

[Winged_Muse]

Alright first off:
P3375:
He’s told them NO multiple times and nothing happens. He has also told his parents he is sick of them not asking and just assume he’ll do everything for them when they’re perfectly capable of doing it as well as his younger brother who has a license and is home from school at 1:30 every day. NO doesn’t work with them.

Chandlers Wish:
The younger brother is NOT to young. He’s almost 18 and can drive and is perfectly capable of everything. He comes home and plays games all day. He doesn’t have to do anything compared to what my fiancé does. Trust me, his younger brother is in heaven compared to my fiancé. He is responsible for absolutely nothing and cares only about himself. His parents never ask his younger brother to do ANYTHING while he’s perfectly able.

Also, my fiancé would never ACTUALLY kill himself. He just got to the point where it stressed him out enough that he felt that way. He told me directly that he couldn’t actually do that to his parents nor to me.

Beautiful Disaster:
His mom is a hair dresser during the day 4 days a week and then works as an Associate at Sears a few nights a week. The only real reason they are getting by is from his dad’s social security, which runs out this January. No he doesn’t really have any bills or anything like that but that’s not the point here. The point here is that they make him do every single little tiny thing and lets his brother get away with just sitting in his room all day playing computer games.

We’ve been applying for jobs for years and have yet to score anything. So yea, he’s been looking with no one even interested in hiring him. Stupid economy makes things a bit hard right now. He’s held one job ever working as a Detail person at a Car Dealership and that went down hill real fast with his managers being completely abusive to not only him but to everyone else.

The thing that bothers me most if that they have to only rely on him to do everything. His older brother’s ex wife can’t even come over to get her kids cuz she’s lazy and worthless. HE has to do EVERY little tiny thing. His younger brother has no responsibilities what so ever, his parents are perfectly capable of doing something every now and then. I don’t get why it’s only him who has to do every thing for them when there are other people in the house who can do it just as well.

[Ashlee T.]

Then what you're doing is asking for a solution that doesn't exist. And it doesn't exist, because no matter what solution anyone comes up with, it's already been determined that it "won't work".

Say No. - "No" doesn't work
Move out. - can't, no job, can't find one in any form

Maybe they do depend on him too much. But a strong argument could also be made that he depends on them too much too.

We’ve been applying for jobs for years and have yet to score anything.

Years? Um, ok. Haven't we discussed this before?

Also, my fiancé would never ACTUALLY kill himself

Then there's no real threat of suicide, so he was basically "crying wolf" by even telling you about it. If he wasn't actually suicidal or having suicidal thoughts, then why tell those that love you and make them worry for absolutely nothing?

Maybe I'm sounding harsh....but I'm a firm believer in: if you don't like something, do something about it. No one else is going to. And as someone who was laid off, living alone with rent and car payment and suddenly no job........you better believe that even in my small town in the boonies, I found a job...because I had to in order to pay my bills and have a place to live. But see, when you have all that anyway, then what's the real incentive to find a job?

So...if he were my boyfriend, I'd take his frustration with a grain of salt, because if he truly wanted his situation to be different.........it would be.

[Winged_Muse]

We apply at multiple jobs daily. I just had a job interview yesterday as a front desk person at a tattoo shop. Unsure if I’ll get the job, going to give them a call next week and check on stuff but he’s only had one interview since the job he had at the car dealership and that was for an Armored Truck type security guard and they never called him back or anything like that regardless of him calling them. The only job I’ve ever held is a janitor type of thing for a week since that is all the place needed me for.

I made him tell me what was running through his head because he usually doesn’t. He keeps stuff wrapped up inside and it builds up and he explodes. I worry now that he actually does think about it, that I don’t make him happy enough that he would want to do this. If I could keep him from having to be stressed out from all this stuff I would but I have no way of doing so without a job myself.

He has told his mom countless times that he is sick of it but she does nothing to make it any better. He’s told me that they are basically screwed when he moves out because then he won’t be there to do everything for them. He’s told his mom probably a good dozen times over the years since I’ve gotten with him and nothing has been done about it. I guess you all would have to be here to really see it clearly since I’m doing a horrid job at explaining what is going on.

[Ashlee T.]

I think there are many who can relate to having parents or family members that depend on them too much. It's a frustrating situation. But it's one thing to make that argument when you're living an adult life on your own, paying your own way. It's a whole different thing to make the argument when you're so heavily depending on THEM, their income, their house, their food, their utilities, etc. When his mother and father in their 60's and 70's are getting up to go work (when at their age, most are retired!) whose to say they're not harboring some resentment too, thinking "here we are at this age getting out and working to support this family of ADULTS who don't want to take care of themselves". I know you view it differently, because you're in a similar situation as he is. But the way I see it is at his age (early 20's??) if he's seriously only had ONE very short term job in his entire life...... there is something majorly wrong here.

It doesn't matter what jobs his parents are working. The point is, they are. And as for his dads SSI, he earned that. It's no handout....he paid that from each one of his paychecks from the time he started work at any job until now. That's money he put lots of years of work in to get.

If you two are planning a future together, you should be concerned with that future. Who's going to pay for it? Where's retirement going to come from if you're not paying in? Where's SSI going to come from if you're not paying any in?

And I'd venture to guess that if you two had your own place, were making a living, paying your own bills etc.... that you'd be far less patient with someone who asked to live with you, share your space, your food, etc and not pay you a dime. And if you were nice enough to allow them to do that, I'd bet you'd ask them to do things to help you out too. Being someones child doesn't make someone entitled to free care as adults.

[WildChild]

Who pays for his gas, insurance and car maintanence?