[Risch]

I have filed for divorce from my second husband. I divorced my first husband because he drank like a fish. I am divorcing my second husband because he hates the 2 kids from the previous marriage. No, hate is not exaggerated. But I still love him. I can't stand the idea of losing him, and I can't stand the idea of being alone again. I am wondering if I didn't overreact with the divorce... Was it really that bad? Didn't I make too much of a deal with how he treated me? But the story is not exaggerated, it is true... He blames me for being married before and having kids out of that marriage.. he blames me for becoming pregnant with our child... He sees me as less than him (not what i think, he said it)... I moved out 9 months ago because the tension in the house and how he treated the kids were unbearable... He said i am a zero on a contract... I have taken off my wedding ring, but I can still feel it there... My rational mind says I did not overreact, it was time, he is not going to change. My fear and anxiousness says I did. Now I am on road I cannot turn back from. I am losing my husband. again. I cannot stand it. I cannot bear it. Please don't tell me to focus on my kids... All the people says focus on your kids, we understand you're alone, but it will get better.. all the while they will be climbing into bed with their husband/boyfriend and will be held and loved. I am breaking.. I've been here before and I don't want to go through it again. I'm losing my husband. I cannot carry this.

[Ashlee T.]

Key words here: rational mind versus fear & anxiousness

But let me add something to that: rational mind, beautiful intelligent woman vs fear & anxiousness & low self esteem.

Your battle is with yourself right now. You have this one woman who is very smart, knows how she should be treated, is beautiful, rational, patient and kind. But you have this other woman who is scared to be alone, who has been beaten down emotionally to the point that she doesn't know her own worth.

I will not be giving you advice then crawling into bed with a boyfriend or husband tonight. I am single. I live alone, just me and the dog. And I have grown to love it. It is a beautiful sense of freedom that one never knows while sharing their space with another. It is an amazing feeling to come home from work and KNOW you're not going to be fighting with someone, to know you don't have to worry about someone criticizing what you do or don't do, etc.

Really, it's not about focusing on your kids. It's about focusing on yourself. In finding yourself and telling that 2nd woman described above to GO AWAY, you'll be a better mother and your kids will benefit tremendously by having the REAL you in their lives.

Without any doubt in my mind you did NOT overreact. You left someone that does not deserve you. YOU DID THE RIGHT THING. Now.....use this time to focus on YOU...figure out why you've been willing to settle with someone unworthy, just to have someone in your life. Figure out what kind of adults you want your kiddos to be, and how to lead by example. Pamper yourself, you are worth it. And remind yourself every day that this WILL get better, this WILL ease up. Nothing brings clarity and peace quite like time.

[kygirl]

R,

BD gave you lots of good advice, so I won't say too much more, except that to some extent, you really do need to focus on your kids AND you. you're right that it is hard to adjust to going to sleep alone at night, but you should love yourself and go to sleep with YOURSELF at night knowing that you love who you are and you have kiddos who love and need you and that you are enough. Think about that. YOU ARE ENOUGH. I know society and fairy tales tell us to be with someone. I won't lie to you and say I'm single, but I do go to sleep some night on my own, and honestly I think I'm better for it. I love my boyfriend, but he doesn't make me happy. I have to make me happy.

You can't change your past anymore than you can change your husband. He married you knowing the situation, and obviously was not mature enough to deal with it. Take some time for yourself. Trust yourself. Trust that you made the right decision and trust that you deserve more than someone who treats both you and your children miserably. That's not necessary. You don't have to live that way! You realized that, and now is the opportunity to move on.

Think about what matters to you. What you love about your children. What you love about yourself and your life. Find things that don't involve him. The people that tell you it's going to be okay (whether they are going home alone or not) say it because it is true. It's not going to happen overnight, but dont' let your fears put you into an unhealthy situation for both yourself and your kids.

Good luck!

[WildChild]

Don't second guess yourself. You are feeling this way now that he is not in your life, when he was you knew what you had to do. The feelings you are having are normal, they have nothing to do with your soon to ex and everything to do with wanting to be love and be loved. I've been through this. Sit down and write your self a list of the things he did and said to you and your kids, remind yourself of why you got out. I have a dear freind who's husband tried to kill her and she still went through this, wondering if she was right to leave him!

There are plenty of really good men in the world. Men who are caring and loving and who want to love and be loved. You have to get yourself free of this one; emotionally, physically and legally and heal before you can find them. In the meantime work on what you want in your life in other areas and on healing your children. Get out, go places, do things, have some fun, laugh. I promise you that one day you will look back and wonder how you could have ever tollerated what you did.