[WildChild]

Keep in mind that all she knows about him or you, is what he has told her. There is no way of know what that may be. He is married, he is at fault. 'No', isn't all that hard to say.

[jeumaan]

I've always believe sex and love are two different things. Maybe he has had low self esteem and when someone new gave him attention he felt better of himself. I know it sounds weird. Keep trying to work it out if that is what you truly want. But you have to go through your phases of anger, sadness, and finally acceptance that he hurt you and lied to you. Once you can accept it you should sit him down and talk. Ask him what he wants out of the relationship and you tell him what you expect out of him. In the end it's up to you. He messed up but remember you will ALWAYS be walking on egg shells wondering when will he cheat again. You have to take care of yourself first because nobody will. Only you can make yourself happy. Will keep you in my prayers.

[PandaPaws]

I don't know, but I certainly would NOT be comfortable with him moving back to the same area where he cheated. And I dont' think he should even put you in that situation.

[Hopeless Dork]

I'm so sorry that your husband cheated on you. She may be pretty and slim, but it seems the elevator may not go to the top floor with her ex asphyxiating a child and her using crack. Ask your husband if he is willing to have you check up on him using cameras, remote control of his computer, sniffers and some way to get a copy of all of his text messages. He should allow this as he should want you to trust him again and giving you open access will allow you to build trust.

Prepaid phones cost like 20 bucks, he could get one in florida and text all he wants, checking up on his texts won't do a bit of good, same for emails etc. Doing all that just gives a false sense of security since there are numerous ways around that kind of a protective leash. If he wants to have sex with someone else, he will do it. Whether right there in their home state or away in florida. That is why trust is so crucial to a relationship because you can't force someone to be faithful and you can't strap a webcam to their rear end , and who'd want to anyway? Who wants to feel that untrusted and who wants to think the love of their life is such a scumbucket they must be watched every minute of the day?

I think it all comes down to why he cheated , as to whether or not it will happen again. If you havent gotten to the root of why, there is no fixing things. If he did it because he was lonely... you have to understand that when he is lonely again it will be a risk. If he did it for the ego boost, again... when he's feeling down about himself what would stop him? If its because something is wrong in your relationship in his eyes, perhaps counseling or talking to each other work on what that is and try to get things going smoother would help. If its because he's selfish and feels entitled to cheat while you sit home being faithful then... thats a problem.

Don't worry yourself with the woman's looks, that is usually not the biggest factor in why men cheat. Men cheat with women far less beautiful than their wife if its in their nature to do so, or if something is troubling them. If she were an unnattractive hag it wouldn't make you feel any better than if it were a supermodel, its hurtful, no matter who it is.

There is no quick fix for the way you feel, for the images in your mind... it will take time to free yourself from them, time and only time can do that. That and building new memories together that take the place of the icky one he's left in your head.

Most people will say if a man cheats he'll do it again, they either do or they don't... a guy that wants someone else will either break up with his significant other, or will stifle the feelings and work on his relationship or will just go on ahead and cheat. The first two types of men, are what we call 'winners'. The last one, well... there is a title for that as well. It doesn't mean he HAS to cheat again, but if he doesn't know why he did it, he's at way more risk of it happening again... so I strongly suggest not just sweepign it and chalking it up to a woopsie... a woopsie doesn't make 200 plus texts or have someone over TWICE... he was well aware of what he was doing and did it anyway... so what you need to figure out to feel better going forward is why he allowed hismelf to go that far, what lead him to it and whats goign to prevent that in the future.

[Hopeless Dork]

I've always believe sex and love are two different things. Maybe he has had low self esteem and when someone new gave him attention he felt better of himself.

If I were placing bets on the what happened, I'd say he found himself one peice of work messed up woman, who's ex murdered her baby, who is using drugs to numb the pain and selling her body (stripping) to obtain said drugs. A woman down on her luck , likely depressed and lost and perhaps wanted to feel like a hero, to provide comfort , to be the big man.

I'm wondering, OP... if you are very self-sufficient and assertive, if you aren't that 'needy' of him... maybe with the loss of his jobs and having trouble finding work he wanted to feel like 'the man' to someone. And with as low as that woman must be in her life right now... almost anyone with a job and thats sane would seem like the kind of hero they need. Since they texted so much and only had sex once it leads me to think perhaps there was more of a counseling type relationshp that was mutually beneficial... he got to feel necessary and she got someone to pretend to care.

It could have been anything though... you'll never know unless he reveals what was behind all that... but I think you need to know in order to move forward feeling more confident he won't do it again.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Funny, I just read this thread and came to the same thoughts HD, as you did..

A sense of two people depressed, meeting and needing...

And, your story of where she is at, how it all went down, is more than likely factual then fiction, unless he was also so drugged out and slept on the baby which can be the case.

In any event, I worked in the Investigation Industry, sounds that your grounded, know what your doing in life, secure, yet he's the exact opposite.

I agree with HD, that he can feel intimidated, useless and needs to feel like the man of the house, he's not a child, he's an Adult that can't support his wife..

If there are other things that he is successful at outside of work, maybe start to focus on those and let him know he's good... I think that if he cried, that's a sure sign that he was lost, for that moment and needs your help as well to get back on top of things, maybe you can forgive him if you understand the reason behind it instead of whom he slept with...

CW

[bella321]

Your points are very valid. I go for days and dont bring it up or even think about it and then something will set me off and I will start questioning my husband about the fling. My therapist has urged me to avoid talking about it when I am visiting my husband in Florida and suggests that we discuss it in our own home or during therapy sessions. My husband is involved in half of the session through speaker phone. I brought the subject up yesterday before I was due to go home after spending a great weekend with my husband. I asked him again why he did it and he said he was lonely, we were not getting along and were living apart (he had to move to Florida to work), he was "crazy", he was under the influence of xanax, he made a big mistake........ He kept telling me that he did not care about the woman and really didnt know her. I reminded him that he exchanged about 200 text messages and 35 phone calls with her in less than a month and then ultimately had sex with her once. He claims that she seduced him by sending him sexy text messages right off the bat. This is the problem that I have with the whole situation. How can someone engage in this kind of behavior and then claim that they "made a mistake"? It took some level of effort on his part to respond to the flirtatious/sexual text messages at all hours of the night and day, which is a little different than meeting someone at a party and having an impulsive one night stand. I know that the guilt has been tearing him up and he claims that he cried for three hours after having sex with the woman. He told her a couple days later that he could not have an intimate relationship with her and has had no phone or physical contact with her since, other than seeing her walking through a mall a few weeks later. I am not going to discuss this subject with my husband again until the therapy session later in the week. I told him that I will never put up with this again and told him to make sure he is willing to be a faithful husband or I am gone.