[Allie602]

This is a big deal my girl. If you read any book the marriage that survive have partners with similar attitudes towards money. One of the top reasons for divorce is differences in attitude about money. It he cant change or you cant change you are going to be beset by these problem as long as you two are together.

Think of it - if may be far easier to get out now - love is not enough to overcome such a major issue.

[Hopeless Dork]

Think of it - if may be far easier to get out now - love is not enough to overcome such a major issue.

I completely disagree with this statement. I think having a partner that likes to spend more and a partner that is more frugal can set a balance in the relationship where one partner learns to respect money a little more and the other person learns to let go and live a little sometimes. I know SO many couples that are in love and happy and differ on how they spend their money and how they value it or don't value it. As long as one doesn't have a shopping addiction and the other won't buy something unless they have a double coupon I think people can compromise... especially people that are in love. It matters more than money, you can't hold on to your 401k's hand when you are laying in bed sick. Money is nothing and worthless if there is no one to share your life experiences with.

[Allie602]

I completely disagree with this statement. I think having a partner that likes to spend more and a partner that is more frugal can set a balance in the relationship where one partner learns to respect money a little more and the other person learns to let go and live a little sometimes. I know SO many couples that are in love and happy and differ on how they spend their money and how they value it or don't value it. As long as one doesn't have a shopping addiction and the other won't buy something unless they have a double coupon I think people can compromise... especially people that are in love. It matters more than money, you can't hold on to your 401k's hand when you are laying in bed sick. Money is nothing and worthless if there is no one to share your life experiences with.

I may be wrong but financial compatibility is often listed as an indicator of long term success and happiness in research studies, your friends notwithstanding. I'd advise the OP to think about it and seek some expert advice so you know what you are getting into. You may end up paying off the debt that he incurs for many yrs. You may begin to resent it unless you are an extraordinarily selfless person.

[Hopeless Dork]

Expert financial advice about whether or not to marry the man she is in love with because he'd rather buy a lap top than table cloths for the wedding, seriously?

[Hopeless Dork]

Unless the guy is just buying junk off ebay all day long and dead broke spending on everything and anything I couldn't imagine taking a hard working good man that loves you and pitting him up against a financial advisor that is cold and 'accountant'ish' and letting them give advice on whether or not marrying him is the right move. To me that is just so calulated and freezing cold and nothing at all to do with what love is all about. I'm sure the same qualities he posses that lead her to decide she wants to spend the rest of her life with him override a bad decision on his 401k

[Ashlee T.]

Money is nothing and worthless if there is no one to share your life experiences with.

This is true, ideally. But realistically, if you're in a marriage with someone and you're working your tail off trying to save some pennies for your future, but are having to continually spend every dime you make to fix their financial irresponsibilities........then I'm not sure you're ever gonna make it to the "sharing life experiences part". For some people (me being one of them)

I'm sure the same qualities he posses that lead her to decide she wants to spend the rest of her life with him override a bad decision on his 401k

I don't think it's truly about the bad decisions he's made with his 401(k)... I veered off to that because I'm a finance person and it's just what I do. But the OP's concern and upset is caused from what got him in the situation to have to borrow from his 401(k) to begin with. The idea that you'd want "stuff" so bad you'd be willing to borrow from your own 401 (k) to get it, is alarming. Then, that stuff wasn't enough so you go run up credit cards, etc to get more "stuff", and then have to borrow from your 401 (k) AGAIN to pay it off. Then you have extra money after paying off your "stuff" and now you want more "stuff". See where this can become a very very bad habit? And once his money becomes theirs, this is a HUGE marital problem. It doesn't mean the love isn't there.

As far as him helping to pay for the wedding, I think he probably doesn't view the actual "wedding" as significant as she does. But he knows she works hard, he knows she tries to help keep him in line financially, he knows her family isn't going to help her with the wedding, he knows this is important to her and he knows she's not going to take advantage and be a bridezilla, she just wants something simple but pretty.....and I believe a thoughtful person would consider "helping" out financially with the wedding rather than "hmmm....what can I spend this money on.....more STUFF!".

A financial advisor is not a marriage counselor and won't likely tell someone "you shouldn't marry this man". However, he/she might say "you two need to consider delaying marrying each other until you get these things straightened out". He/she may also lay out a plan for them, how to spend their money monthly, how to handle misc/entertainment expenses, etc. Then, if the two of them can BOTH agree and work to stick to that plan, then this will avoid lots of fights. So it's not a matter of "kick him to the curb", it's a matter of, get this stuff figured out and straightened out before you tie the knot.

The OP seems very financially conscious, frugal, thrifty, finds importance in a nest egg, savings, etc. These are things that are important to her (from what I can tell). There's nothing wrong with these things being important....IMO, this just makes her smart. The fact that these things don't seem to be important to him, is an incompatibility that WILL cause marital problems (and the OP seems to know this!). I can relate this to myself, because I, much like her am very financially conscious. Example, I wouldn't buy a house until I had at least 6 months of bill payments in a savings acct. That way if there was a medical emergency or a loss of job I'd have a nest egg. If I was engaged (or married) and kept having to use my money to bail them out of poor financial decisions, I'd be livid. But see, once they're married, his bad credit is her bad credit too. So you can get stuck in a really yucky situation, find yourself stripped of your savings, living paycheck to paycheck.

So, to wrap this up, I don't think it's about choosing money over love. But to pretend that someones financial maturity isn't crucial in a marriage is just not realistic. In this case, he can't take back what he's already done, but he can redeem himself by showing her he will spend the money responsibly. I would suggest writing out a "plan" for the money and showing it to him. (Example: $500 laptop, $2000 wedding, $1000 to pay on any other existing debt, $3500 in an emergency savings acct that is OFF limits for spending unless emergency like job loss, medical, car repair) A plan like this shows him that you want the money spent responsibly and that it's not just a "I want you to spend this on me because you spent it on your ex" type of thing.

[stressed]

Expert financial advice about whether or not to marry the man she is in love with because he'd rather buy a lap top than table cloths for the wedding, seriously?

Hmmm, well, if you think about it, not many women feel confident marrying a man who doesn't seem to be financially responsible. If they have two children within 3 years, she works, she saves money, but he spends the money on unnecessary things instead of his family (when there are financial troubles) then all the love this woman will have for this man can turn into hate or frustration.

Love is wonderful but it doesn't feed your baby and doesn't put money in your bank account. I'm not saying money is more important than love, or that you can't love if you don't have it, but there has to be a reasonable balance and responsibility. When there's a wedding in 6 months and finances are an issue, when you're already involved with loans before you marry, you just don't buy a laptop. You don't. What if they want to buy a house later on and he spends money on a car instead? It's hard to keep a balance and keep loving a man who is careless with money and therefore shows no responsibility. Love means trust, respect and honesty. Poor financial handling can ruin all these three.

[Hopeless Dork]

Hmmm, well, if you think about it, not many women feel confident marrying a man who doesn't seem to be financially responsible. If they have two children within 3 years, she works, she saves money, but he spends the money on unnecessary things instead of his family (when there are financial troubles) then all the love this woman will have for this man can turn into hate or frustration.

Love is wonderful but it doesn't feed your baby and doesn't put money in your bank account. responsibility.

Thats something I think a woman bears as much or more responsibility for, if a family is not financially secure I think cranking out 2 planned kids in 3 years is not really all that wise obviously. But in this particular situation, this is a man she wants to marry, is in love with... and I seriously doubt she is going to cancel the wedding over him wanting to buy a lap top with his own money.

I think if that if 401k's and college funds for 2.5 kids and keeping up with the jones' is one partners vision they really need a partner that shares it. If the other partner is more focused on vacations and travel and enjoying life in the moment while the other wants to make sure they can enjoy it at 80 they are going to clash likely often... but you'd think if their values towards money were so inherently different, other values and visions, goals and plans would be differnt as well and it wouldn't be a likely that a couple with such vastly different views on how they want to spend life would be together long enough to want to become engaged, let alone married.

I still think though as long as neither partner is totally extreme in how they handle money, they can meet in the middle and learn from each other, one learning to save and be frugal and the other learning to live a little sometimes. But if one is not working and spending the others money and just completely reckelss while the other is pinching every penny... yeah I don't see it working out less about money but more about unwillingless to compromise.

[Kallygirlie]

I feel like everyone is allowed mistakes and everyone deserves a new beginning. That's the main purpose of the money. I'm not perfect, I was young and dumb, I have debt that I'm also working on. For us, its easier to just wipe the slate clean and start over. He's already proved he can pay back the loan. it comes right off the top of his check. yes, hes a geek and love electronics. he blows through his $50 spending allowance (we are both on one). but he's not so bad that he drives the account negative. There's no plans to pay this off so he can get a credit card. The purpose of clearing his credit is to allow us to repair things enough so we can be considered to buy a house one day.

I dont know why people think we are instantly doomed because he's not very good with money. He's far from being addicted to shopping or addicted to stuff. I honestly think he just doesn't think through his spending. he doesn't realize how easily small trips to the store add up quick.

[Ashlee T.]

I dont know why people think we are instantly doomed

I hope I didn't give you the impression that's what I am saying. Not at all. I just hope you two can work on this and he can "mature" in his choices a bit before you all tie the knot. Why? Because I think you're a great gal, got your head on straight, and deserve a WHOLE bunch of happiness.