[WildChild]

This got me to thinking. There are people who always think the grass is greener on the other side, they depend on people who think there is no grass on the other side, to keep things going. As long as he is married he has the 'I can't leave because...' card he can play. As long as you think you can't leave because... He's gets to eat his cake and have it too.

If you leave him, you reshuffle the deck.

[jocelyn]

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through, and if it helps in any way I wanted to let you know that I am going through it too. I found out in September that my husband cheated on me (found a woman on adult friend finder) and is addicted to porn. I am 33 years old, a SAHM with a 3 and 1 year old, and in the evenings I worked on my writing (my outlet) while my husband looked at porn in the basement. I didn't know he was addicted and didn't know he cheated on me until I discovered the text messages that revealed he had done it.

The best advice I can give to you is find a counselor. I have been going to one and it is helping me so much. I have also been writing in a journal and using A L.I.F.E guide to help me begin to heal. It is so painful, every day, and so scary. When I went to my medical doctor to get tested she referred me to a psychiatric group where I go now to see my counselor. I did tell my family, and although it was helpful to tell them it is harder on me now because they keep telling me to divorce my husband and that I have no self-worth if I stay with him.

Whether we stay married or not cannot be said at this time. Right now my husband and I are both seeing counselors and trying to heal ourselves. I think if you see a counselor and maybe if your husband agrees to see one then that is a step towards healing for you and for your husband. Just some advice that is working for me right now, but it may not work for everyone. Hope this helps to comfort you in some way.

[Cinders]

Hey, I have had a quick read through the thread and it seems to me the best bit of advice has already been said... talk to your family and friends and go see a councilor.

If you leave him, you reshuffle the deck.

Too true... and power to you. But do you really want him coming back in a few months with empty promises.... try to sort it out while you are together.

Best of luck....

[rcoreyus]

My usual advice is to try to understand why he cheated so that you will know if he is likely to want to do it again.

[tooconfused4words]

This got me to thinking. There are people who always think the grass is greener on the other side, they depend on people who think there is no grass on the other side, to keep things going. As long as he is married he has the 'I can't leave because...' card he can play. As long as you think you can't leave because... He's gets to eat his cake and have it too.

If you leave him, you reshuffle the deck.

To add something to this idea (about which I agree)...something I have learned through reading about relationships is that the "over-benefitted" party in a relationship is the one more likely to see the grass as greener on the other side. This is because they have never had to water their own lawn...and yet somehow they cannot figure out why it is dying. They have benefitted from their partner doing the lion's share of the work in the relationship.

Instead of worrying about the grass being greener, I wish more people would nurture the grass upon which they stand each day.

[Awoman2]

What help do you want? Do you want people to tell you what to do about your own life? Do you want to continue in a relationship with this man after his betrayal? Can you live with that?

[Ashlee T.]

What help do you want? Do you want people to tell you what to do about your own life?

Just a guess, but like most people who come here when they are distraught, depressed, hurt, in pain, etc......they want compassion, empathy, understanding, and kindess from others so that they can hopefully find some clarity in a time they are so hurt they can't find clarity on their own. Not to be told what to do about their own life, but to be given some advice from people who have perhaps experienced something similar. And that's what we're here for.

[bella321]

My husband has cut off all phone/email/text contact with the woman that he had the one night stand with four months ago. The one night stand took place after nearly a month of raunchy texts back and forth. I continue to have concerns about the fact that she lives three blocks away from where he is currently living, which is 1300 miles away from home due to his job. He has claimed repeatedly that he did/does not care about her and only misbehaved because he was very lonely and we were having problems. I have kept track of our phone bill and have done Google searches on the OW for curiousity sake since my husband told me some very disturbing things about her- she used to be a topless dancer and phone sex operator, she is skilled at kick boxing and her two young children were pulled out of her home due to drug abuse and the fact that her ex husband accidently asphyxiated their newborn baby a couple years ago. Well, guess what else she has done for a living? Pornographic movies! She has a screen name and everything. This broad has made at least four porno movies and they may be viewed online if you look for them. All four of the movies were lesbian and she seems to really be getting into the girls. The last movie was made 7 years ago. I am sickened by this. Not only am I heartsick about my husband cheating, but it hurts even more to think that he had sex with someone that lots of other men would consider to be a major score. This woman is 20 years younger than him and very pretty. It is a real blow to my self esteem. I am pretty and physically fit, but I am also a middle aged woman who is old enough to be the mother of the woman he cheated with. Should I tell my husband what I discovered? He has never been into porn. Well, he has never been into sex texting or bringing a young hussy to his apartment either! I know that I have to let this go in order to heal from the pain but I am having a hard time.

[Hopeless Dork]

Keep in mind that the very pretty porno star woman you saw 7 years ago... is very very likely not the same woman your husband ended up with recently. But you have to let go of HER. I understand the idea your husband cheated will not leave your mind any time soon... but you have to understand this affair had so little to do with her. If he did it because he was lonely and you guys were having problems... any girl could have fit the bill to be suitable for cheating. Someone your age, older, younger, someone bigger, smaller, prettier, less attractive.

I think your way of dealing with the pain, by villianizing the women... researching her, is UNDERSTANDABLE. I think most women look at the women their husband cheated with and dissect her and say what does she have? What made her so freaking special it was worth risking everything? And the thing is there is nothing... because it had nothing to do with her.


So while you have some healing yet to do over the affair... who he had it with is something you should try really hard to let go of.

[bella321]

Thanks Hopeless. Your post makes a lot of sense. I have spent a lot of time trying to figure out why my husband decided to cheat with the younger woman and comparing myself to her. After reading many of the posts on here about cheating husbands and those addicted to porn and live chat, it astounds me how many men have risked losing everything for a friggen fantasyland. I am sure that many men and women have private fantasies about other people, usually movie stars, famous people ect., but most of them are not dumb enough to act out on those fantasies and hurt their partner. My husband and I were at risk due to him being out of work for 18 months, having to live and work out of state, financial problems and mid life crisis on my husbands end. He didnt think about the consequences of his behavior. I Unfortunately, she is still pretty and in great shape- I saw her at the grocery store the last time I visited my husband. My husband has asked that I not bring up her name or discuss her and I am going to try very hard to do so. Thank God I have a therapist that I can vent to.