[pretzel]

The fine ladies who have posted before are absolutely right and I'd trust their judgement.

Life is about choices and reactions to those choices. Five years ago he made a choice to go outside the marriage and now he's done it again. It's his choice and he has to live with the consequences of your reaction to those choices, as do your kids.

[sprucey]

my children are 15 and 8,and I do 6 months work in the summer and depend on him in the winter...we live on a tourist island that is virtually closed in the winter,which was tough before,but will be even tougher now....I moved to this island to be with him,though I do have friends around I have no family...my parents are both deceased.Its going to be a tough ride but I know I have to let go....thank you all for your replies.

[Ashlee T.]

I think you need to verbalize to him that even if he changes his mind at this point, he cannot have you back. Even if you don't mean it with your whole heart, I think it's important right now to say it, and to keep saying it to yourself until you DO mean it. Right now, he's ripping your heart out because what you want is for him to say "I'm sorry I don't know what I was thinking, I'm coming home". But I think if you take the power back here and remind yourself that you have standards, you deserve so much better, and that you can NOT take back this man again...........you will feel empowered, stronger...and ready to start healing.

Some day, if one of your children gets cheated on by their spouse..........you're going to tell them they deserve better, you're going to be angry at whomever would stomp their heart like that......and right now, you need to lead by example. Teach them THEY deserve better by showing them that you do.

[WildChild]

Being a single mom is not easy but it can be very rewarding and your children will be just as wonderful. Kids understand moire than we often given them credit for but you will have to explain things in a way they can understand and this can be tough. For right now they just need to know that daddy has decided to live someplace else. You have to keep reinforcing the understanding that this has nothing to do with them or you. It isn't anything they did. Kids tend to be very self focused and will assume that it has something to do with them. It is unfortunate but there really isn't any way to be honest about this and not make him out to be rather selfish and weak minded. That's going to have to be His lookout.

Don't be surprised if at some point he does try to make some fault of yours. This seems to be a common theme, the cheater tries to make themselves and the kids feel better about it by dumping it on you. Don't be surprised if he comes and goes in their lives, vanishing while he has something hot and heavy going on and coming back round when it either cools or he is trying to impress with what a great guy he is.

It will be a balancing act, trying to stay positive about their other parent but still being honest about what he has done. Having been drug into court at a ridiculous cost in $ and stress, by a man who was trying to prove to himself that he wasn't the A-hole and I was (the court didn't agree with him) I can attest to the limits some people will go to. Think first about what your kids need and what you want in your life. You should talk to a lawyer and learn exactly what legal steps you need to take to best protect your children's and your own interests. Your husband is going to want money to be with this woman. She must know he is married and that right there tells you a lot about her and her standards. Even if he has lied to her, if she had decent values she would insist that he be free and legally separated before they came together. Coming after him while he is still in the same house with you and vacillating as to what he wants, speaks volumes.

This is likely to end unhappily for him but that isn't your problem. He's put you through this twice now. Only you can decide how many times you are willing to endure it but this is not healthy for you or your kids. Be strong and stick with what is best for you. He isn't thinking about you or the children.

[sprucey]

well....feeling slightly stronger tonight..have been to see about a lawyer..he came round tonight (agreed on by me) and I got his keys back,got him to sign a paper about me taking the children to England to see family over Christmas and calmly asked him ´shall we go straight for divorce then` he looked shocked,and said we didnt need to go that fast but I said,well youve made youre choice,I gave you a chance and now theres no going back so we may aswell save a lot of hastle and paperwork by going for a divorce...ironically in the exact same place we got married! Also am meeting him at the bank on Thursday to signa paper to make sure nobody draws money out without both consent,as that is where all our bills come out from......oh,and I have already opened an account in my name only with some of our money...not all,which my lawyer said I had a right to do.My friend is looking after our dog over Christmas,so I amgoing to be changing the lock just in case. Sooooo.......I think I´m getting stronger girls.....whatdyo think???

[Ashlee T.]

I'd hug you right now if I could. You have made LEAPS forward and you should be so very proud. These strong moments of clarity are what will get you through. You will still have low moments....but they will get farther and farther apart. You're so right, he did make his choice, and as a result, you have made YOUR choice not to allow that type of treatment in your life for one second longer. That being the wisest choice you could possibly make for yourself.

You will hurt......but when the divorce is done and the marriage is off your shoulders, you will feel like a ton has been lifted off your heart. Then you can really start to move forward in your life and heal.

VERY proud of you. *hugs*

[sprucey]

Thank you so much for the kind words....my friends and family have been pleased with me too....I still feel so very sad,but a little bit stronger,just still dreading the moment that she´s actually here and I know they are together round the corner....which isnt long off,and I still have no idea what she looks like.

[Ashlee T.]

The unknown is tough, I know. You imagine what she must look like, the kind of person she is, what about her does he like, etc. That's very normal. But you'll get through it. Whether she's a bombshell or a frump it's going to hurt. If she's a bombshell, your mind will say "See...if I just looked like that I could've kept him", and if she's a frump your mind will say, "He left me for that!?! I must look even worse!". Because you feel rejected, and rejection is a difficult thing to deal with. No one, no matter what they look like, or how great of a person they are is immune from cheating. Take a look at Eva Longoria. Total freakin knockout....married no time....and has been cheated on for the past year with one of her friends!! And if it were me, I'd be getting my hair done, going for a new style, buying some new clothes, primping myself up to feel GREAT about myself. Then by chance if you run into them, I PROMISE you she's going to be feeling extremely uncomfortable and jealous. And you can sit back and chuckle cause you'll know for 100% sure that you don't want what she has.

Keep your head up, keep pushing forward. You're doing an awesome job.

[sprucey]

well just got back from the bank to sign a form so none can make cash withdrawals....she´ll be over soon so I dont want her nagging at him for cash thats for the house.I was very cool and business like...I think hes getting the message....he saw I´d put on the calander I was going out on Saturday and asked where so I said it was none of his business....I´mactually only going round to a mates house,but he´s coming to pick up our son,so I´m going to be dressed up to the nines when he arrives.I dont think he´s enjoying the boot being on the other foot!!

[Ashlee T.]

You go girl. Get dressed up, look hot, feel hot, hold your head high.......and even if he doesn't acknowledge it, it will EAT him up inside.

The more steps forward you take (like you did today), the less likely you'll be able to take him back when he tires of his new woman. And the more steps forward you take....the further away you are from the hurt he's put you through.

Keep on keepin on. You're awesome.