[ember]

Hi, I can't get it out my head that my lover tried to get me pregnant without me knowing. I had an IUD and now and then he would joke saying that he could take it out as he really wants to have a baby with me. We are not in a suitable situation to get pregnant which is why i opted for the coil to protect myself. I am also on medication and mustnt get pregnant without consulting my dr. the other day we were having foreplay and all was fine. I had my eyes shut enjoying things but then something made me open my eyes and look down and i noticed on the carpet my coil !! he had been using his hand on me. I grabbed his "doo dah" to stop it going anywhere near me and said what are you doing. He said it had come out accidently and he was tempted to enter me and get me pregnant. WHY didnt he say " whoops your coil just came out!, he hid it from me ! If i hadnt of opened my eyes and stopped him, he may well have continued. I'm not sure how i feel. I am angry. I feel betrayed as he is supposed to look after me. He knows i dont want a baby just yet, he knows i am on medication and its dangerous to get pregnant BUT i know that he is desperate for us to have a child. He says it was a moment of madness and he is really sorry.
I am trying to deal with it but a lot of trust has gone now. We have been together nearly 2 years but live apart. I am not intendning on getting another coil fitted just yet and dont intend to have sex just yet anyway. I need to decide how i feel.
Do you think this is a serious matter or just like he says a moment of madness. Should i just let it go but say if it happens again its over.I will be heartbroken but if i cant trust him whats the point. I still think he pulled it out knowing what he was doing too, not an accident as he says it was.

[Guest]

im not sure i understand, you didn't feel it being pulled out ??

And if you aren't even living together why would he want to get you pregnant ??

[WildChild]

HE needs to pay for another, those aren't cheap. By all means no sex until you are fully protected and comfortable.
Really you should be rethinking a relationship with this man.

[Hopeless Dork]

Wow... he could really harm you doing that. I mean REALLY harm you. You need to get to your doctor to ensure he didn't create some sort of injury that could get infected etc... I am blown away by this. I've read those things are uncomfortable to get inserted, I can't imagine having one removed would be pleasant either. If I were you I would really have to evaluate if this man is all that stable. Its one thing him trying to get you pregnant against your will... another thing that he is willing to potenially injure you to do so.

Its not like yanking out a tampon... those things are deeply implanted and if its a coil it could peripherate your flesh... I've heard of those things getting lost and created so much problems... what if he left a peice in there? etc... I just can't believe how careless he was about your health. What in the world was he thinking?

[Agony_Aunt]

Has he got any insecurities about loosing you, or does he think you are going to leave him?

I ask this because he went against all you have said, and put your health in danger. This was very selfish.
To me, it's sounds as if he thinks you may leave him, and by having a baby he can "keep" you.

[ember]

I didnt feel it being pulled out, no. No pain nothing. It wasnt so bad when they put it in either. Just like a period pain, dull aching. I bled very slightly when it went in and bled very slightly when it came out, other than that all feels fine. The coil was intact when it came out. It is a complicated situation which i expect i will get lots of critiscism for ! He is unhappily married but not in a loving relationship, more a tied with mortgage type thing. I have told him he has one more year to sort things out and we live together and only then do we think about a baby. Age is against us. He is 55 and i am 40. He says if i get pregnant now he will leave and we live together. I dont want to end up in a bedsit with a baby. I want things done properly. I also said if he would leave his wife for a baby, then why wont her leave her now for me. I am sure he loves me just by how much time and effort goes into our "longish" distance relationship. He has no kids and also wanted one but his wife led him along and then said no. I am stuck in a job with accommodation and living with a mate, so until i can get out of here he cant move in with me. So fire away ! ........

[WildChild]

Very simply, you are right if he won't leave for you, why would he leave for a baby? Would you want him under those circumstances? Truth is someone should leave a marriage because that is what is best for them irrespective of anyone else in their life or not. I think you are wise not to rush on this, he doesn't sound very stable. If he wanted You, he would get out and be with you. If you want do want a child, you would be better off with a younger man. Downs syndrome risk goes up with both the mother and the father's age, the two of you together are a much higher risk than you would have than if you were with a 30 something.

[Hopeless Dork]

It sounds like he see's you more as a baby incubator than a girlfriend, willing to risk causing you pain, bleeding or possible infection in order to even attempt to breed you up. The thin promises of leaving to be with you IF you get pregnant...but putting off leaving to be with you just because he loves you until some mortgage is settled... would that mortgage issue simply vanish if you were to get pregnant? No, it wouldn't... so it sounds like an excuse.

I strongly suggest not getting pregnant unless you TRULY want a baby right now, doing so simply to save your relationship or get this guy to move on from his wife... may end up with you being a single mom... which isn't necessarily a bad thing if a baby was your hearts desire... but if it wasn't... how unfair it would be to this child-to-be.

Babies are babies for like 10 minutes when compared to a lifetime... this will be a person, an adult one day... finding their way in a world full of so much chaos and lonliness and they should not be forced to be here for the sake of being some bargaining chip, or because some man is going through a mid-life crisis and feels like he hasn't left his mark on the world... there is so much more to being a parent than that.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

What benefits seriously do you have in this relationship?

ALL married men who have affairs "claim" they are in a loveless marriage....more than likely "sexless" to be blunt. But they will pull your heartstrings, make small promises to which you will hold onto, that dream, hope, because your already emotionally attached, getting older, and want so bad to believe.

You hit the nail on the head yourself....when you questioned here, if he would leave you if you had a baby, then why not now?

You can have feelings for someone, "everyone is human" but money talks bull walks...99% of men who venture down this path, won't ever leave, as there is money involved, big money and no way do they want to start all over, this is their way of compensation, they can do the "blame" game, followed by "sorry" I won't do it again, "blame" ...and the wife, who feels cheated, "but i loved him, gave him everything, why did he do that?" also has an emotional connection so tries to forgive, and here you are at 42 alone again...hurt, broken...


He's married.
He lives long distance.
He won't leave his wife-fiances
He would lie wouldn't he? He has / is to his wife
He tried to work towards having that baby he dreamed of...


He's 55...
Your 40...

He's old enough to be your Dad, yet wants badly to be one....he would have to pay child support, so she wouldn't get as much and he gets the baby he dreamed of.

Ask yourself, do you enjoy being home alone so much? Do you enjoy knowing he's sleeping next to his wife, off course, he's having sex, he'll tell you otherwise, do you enjoy not waking up to him everyday?

Do you know how she would feel when, she found out? Do you really know their life together?

Your 40, she may have turned her marriage more into friendship, at 55, but he's a man, on a mission, he has a 40 year old giving him sex, that could also hopefully give him a baby...Do you think he could find another you quickly at 55? Probably not...

Think carefully.....

Everything you wrote is mis-trust....He's having an affair and tried to get you pregnant..

Your only 40 the world of men are out there....

CW

[ember]

thanks for all your comments. Still unsure what to do at the moment.!