[Aussie]

Hi everyone,
this is my first forum entry and I am desparate for some advice.
I have just celebrated my 12th wedding anniversary (New Years Eve) and my husband has left.

To give you a brief synopsis:
Sorry this is looong!.
We have had issues in our relationship for a very long time where both of us are at fault. I do believe however I am more at fault than he is.
I have been cold, verbally abusive and somtimes downright mean. There is a reason for this however....I was molested by my brothers when I was young and I guess I have alot of sexual issues.

When our relationship started our sex life was fine for quite a while but it rapidly deteriorated (my fault). It got to the stage where I couldn't stand the thought of him touching me so I would cause arguments and be angry just to keep him away. I guess after this happening for so long he decided he would sek comfort elsewhere, with numerous married/ attached partners.
I got this information from him last night after bluffing him with inuendos that I knew.
Little did I know that he would actually admit to it and tell me about the unprotected sex he has had!.

To say this is killing me is an understatement. He is now leaving tonight and I don't know what to do.

We have 2 children (7 & 9yo) and this is destroying them as well.
I still love him but at the same time I am hurt.
Please let me know what you think

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Aussie, where abouts in Australia are you from? I'm from SA...


You know, the only answer is finding yourself and understanding that your brothers were WRONG...you were young, they wanted to experiement, at the cost of their Sister...

Did you ever face them? Tell them what that have done to your life, how they have ruined your life? If you did, did they say, Oh I thought you were ok? Your not ok, and until you can unleash, and let them know they were wrong, you were a girl or young woman, let them take that guilt with them, but then somehow forgive them for your sanity, you can't move on....

Did you ever seek help? Sounds as if you knew of this remembered this all the way through.... You need to do that....

No one deserves to be cheated on, but no one deserves to be abused, even verbally on-going, it's emotional...

Take your steps first and get this all out, you have to and then, when you can see you were the victim, approach your husband again as a different woman

CW

[Aussie]

Hi CW, I'm in Perth.
No I have never confronted my brothers, I only told my mother a couple of years ago.
When she said that she believes it was just playing I decided to try and deal with it on my own.

My husband is another matter. He knows about it and says he believes me but is still very demanding of me affection wise.
This I don't blame him for however I do now have sexual issues and just can't bring myself to engage in any intimate behaviour.

That's what he can't support me on. He doesn't understand so he sought affection and sex elsewhere...from multiple partners over the last few years.
His behaviour is abhorent to me and I feel disgusted. And for him to blame me for it is really low.

How can I love someone who would do that to me?

[Ashlee T.]

He blames you, and that angers you. But you in your words here to us, have blamed yourself. The blame needs to stop. It's irrelevant. I can understand why you feel disgust over this. Your husband knows your issues, rather than sitting down with you, talking about it and insisting on counseling for both of you, he used it as an excuse to cheat. He cannot blame you for his actions. He had options, and he CHOSE to cheat. No one forced him. What he did, was add to the mistrust and betrayal and hurt you already felt over what your brothers did to you. If you were verbally abusive to him, you were wrong for that. No one deserves to be abused. But I also believe no one deserves to be cheated on. My thoughts are that if you're not getting what you need out of the marriage, to the point you want to cheat, then you need to file for divorce rather than cheating and causing your spouse intense pain and also putting their health at risk as you expose them to whomever you've slept with, and whomever they've slept with, and so on and so on.

What else is he getting from these women? Emotionally? Is he willing to cut those ties? If he is, can you imagine ever trusting him again?

First and foremost, you need to get yourself into therapy to deal with your own issues, and then perhaps some therapy for both of you. If he's not in agreement to this, and does not intend to change his lifestyle, your only option is to leave this marriage and start a new life for yourself.

[Hopeless Dork]

I am sorry for what happened to you with your brothers. And I'm sorry that your husband couldn't have been honest with you and told you upfront that he would need to see other people, to file for seperation... before starting numerous affairs.

To play devils advocate, he sounds like he tried to stick it out with you, hoping things would get better, and filling the void with strangers. Not the right thing to do, if he was unhappy he should have been upfront and let you know that and give you the opportunity to leave if you didn't like the idea of him getting sexual/emotional needs met outside of you.

I can't pretend to imagine the hurt you feel at his dishonesty... at the fact he waited so long to tell you what he was doing. But I also can't imagine the experience of being verbally abused by the one I love, wanting to be intimate with them and having them push me away over and over again. You said yourself that sex was fine in the beginning then later on you developed an aversion to it.

I am not saying you should have had it when you didn't want to... I am saying that adding verbal abuse, being emotionally distant.. closing yourself off to intimacy, he no longer had the wife he married... and then allowed himself to become the man he never probably wanted to be.

There is no blame, both parties could have done some communication , sought therapy , tried to work through things. Each of you chose a different coping mechanism... you chose seperating yourself from him, he chose to find others to fill in the gaps. I am sure his self esteem was down, possibly feeling like you weren't attracted to him. Men are just as sensitive as women about that... those women probably helped him to feel like he was something he thought you didn't see in him anymore.

Its no excuse. He made a promise to be faithful, and should have told you when he found it no longer feasible to keep his word. But in the same vein he didn't sign on to be verbally abused and rejected either.

I think you could benefit from counseling, from healing yourself. I think you can't beat yourself up about things you could have done to make things different, nor would it serve you to beat him up over things he should have done to make things different. Nothing can change the past, the good or the bad. You have to find help for yourself so that you can feel like the woman you deserve to feel like.

Work on you first, then decide if you will be able to forgive your husband, if you two can move forward and re-start things without resentment, guilt or anger.