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thinking about giving up and leaving my fiance...

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  • If hearing "I told you so" is the worst that can happen, then you're in pretty good shape. I can't imagine your family abandoning you like this just because of their pasts. To me, I'd be inclined to think the opposite. Why would they allow their daughter/granddaughter to live the lives they lived when they have the chance to change it? Is there a religious aspect or a cultural aspect that should be thought of?

    If you're on probation, first off, your PO knows where you are and I'm sure you have to check in. If your looking for a source to voice your fears, there's a good start. Let them know, let them document your concerns.

    Comment


    • Originally posted by Dessie413 View Post
      my family will not help....all they are going to tell me is " I told you so" ( i have told them how he talks to me before) its just my mom and grandma...and they are old fashioned..they feel i should stick with it..and that maybe its something im not doing that i should be doing. my mom stayed with my dad till he died..even though she was miserable for the last 5 yrs of his life...she just moved into another bedroom.
      my grandma is the same way..the only time they think i should leave is if he puts his hands on me.

      i know your 100% right....but where does my courage come from to pack up and leave....that's my problem..Im too freakin scared...and i such a peace person that i just want to fix it all...im a punk...

      and i feel more of a punk because he tells me this is all my fault...and a part of me is actually believing him...but i know it doesn't feel right.

      I appreciate your advice so much..as this is the first time i have actually spoken about my issues with this man...to anyone. BUT there are other conditions ( like i said i have BS for daysssss)...im on probation....off in march of this yr..i am afraid he will try to screw this up for me..I have trusted him with all my secrets....


      i dont want to just up and leave without really thinking....bc i have a tendency to just react without thinking and it usually cause me problems....what should i do before i actually leave MD?
      Sweetie.... Get the courage from your son. I know it will be hard and sometimes it will seem as if it was easier to just stay in this relationship, but in the long run, you will win out. Do it for yourself and your son. Do it to show your son that not all men are asshats. Do it to give yourself independence and respect.

      You know the way your mom and grandmother lived their lives is not what you want for you.

      You will need help though. Find an advocacy group that can help support you through this if you don't think you will get the support from your family. They have people that deal with this all the time and will help you move on.

      However, once you decide to go, you need that to be your final decision. I do not see there being any good of you going, then changing your mind and coming back to him, it will probably make things worse.

      Do the leg work now. You don't have to make this an immediate decision. Spend your days talking to someone, to make sure that you go about this in the safest way possible. Until then, keep a journal, document what you can of the past and what goes on from this point forward.

      If you want to leave, you can and will do it. You will get that courage.

      We're all here to listen and talk when you need it.

      Comment


      • Originally posted by KMonte85 View Post
        how do you think he can screw up your probation? Were you doing things you shouldn't have that he can prove?

        it seems you've fallen in the same pattern your mom and Grandmother did, but the kicker is: you can see it isn't right and want to do something about it! That's a huge first step. So you know your family won't be much help.. you must have friends back home - can you confide in any of them and seek their support?
        I dont mean to be filled with excuses but my friends are either going thru a divorce now....divorced or not even with the kids fathers so i feel like there advice is tainted.

        they cant help me with a place to stay or nothing...all they can do is urge me to leave. but its not like they left their relationship voluntarily...its the males that left them

        Comment


        • Originally posted by pretzel View Post
          If hearing "I told you so" is the worst that can happen, then you're in pretty good shape. I can't imagine your family abandoning you like this just because of their pasts. To me, I'd be inclined to think the opposite. Why would they allow their daughter/granddaughter to live the lives they lived when they have the chance to change it? Is there a religious aspect or a cultural aspect that should be thought of?

          If you're on probation, first off, your PO knows where you are and I'm sure you have to check in. If your looking for a source to voice your fears, there's a good start. Let them know, let them document your concerns.
          trust me..they are not going to lift a finger regardless of my son....they did it to my twin sister and her 3 kids so i am no different...

          my PO does not know i currently reside in MD...i actually drive up there once a month to go to my appt and use my moms address...i am not supposed to live out of NY state

          Comment


          • Originally posted by LanaBear View Post
            Sweetie.... Get the courage from your son. I know it will be hard and sometimes it will seem as if it was easier to just stay in this relationship, but in the long run, you will win out. Do it for yourself and your son. Do it to show your son that not all men are asshats. Do it to give yourself independence and respect.

            You know the way your mom and grandmother lived their lives is not what you want for you.

            You will need help though. Find an advocacy group that can help support you through this if you don't think you will get the support from your family. They have people that deal with this all the time and will help you move on.

            However, once you decide to go, you need that to be your final decision. I do not see there being any good of you going, then changing your mind and coming back to him, it will probably make things worse.

            Do the leg work now. You don't have to make this an immediate decision. Spend your days talking to someone, to make sure that you go about this in the safest way possible. Until then, keep a journal, document what you can of the past and what goes on from this point forward.

            If you want to leave, you can and will do it. You will get that courage.

            We're all here to listen and talk when you need it.
            Thank u so much ( im crying : ( ....) i really need someone to talk to cause my mind is all messed up. when i leave i WILL never come back ....couldn't even pay me too. I just wish it didn't have to be this way...single mom? was never what i wanted to be...its all that run in my family..i just wanted to be different. I will start a journal TODAY.


            Im no angel...so with that i will let out my last secret about this mess im in... I have been seeing someone else. I know its wrong but he is a really great guy...even before most of these problems with my fiance...so its not like i let me relationship with this mystery man influence my actions with my fiance.

            this mystery man is a man from my past...when i was 16...I searched for him for 2 yrs before i found him ( in that 2 yrs is when i met my fiance) ....I must confess that I LOVE this man. I always have even when i was 16. I love him like " the notebook" love. its indescribable. he knows the situation i am in...without the details bc i don't believe in talking bad about my fiance to another man. I am not trying to just run into his arms when i leave my fiance and he knows that he is NOT the reason I am leaving....

            but i cant help to keep thinking..if i never found this ex of mine...would i still be so urged to leave? ....he doesn't encourage me to leave nor does he support it..he just listens. we have a connection like no other. i have never had a connection with my fiance. everything was always forced.

            i just wanted to be completely honest....

            Comment


            • Originally posted by LanaBear View Post
              Sweetie.... Get the courage from your son. I know it will be hard and sometimes it will seem as if it was easier to just stay in this relationship, but in the long run, you will win out. Do it for yourself and your son. Do it to show your son that not all men are asshats. Do it to give yourself independence and respect.

              You know the way your mom and grandmother lived their lives is not what you want for you.

              You will need help though. Find an advocacy group that can help support you through this if you don't think you will get the support from your family. They have people that deal with this all the time and will help you move on.

              However, once you decide to go, you need that to be your final decision. I do not see there being any good of you going, then changing your mind and coming back to him, it will probably make things worse.

              Do the leg work now. You don't have to make this an immediate decision. Spend your days talking to someone, to make sure that you go about this in the safest way possible. Until then, keep a journal, document what you can of the past and what goes on from this point forward.

              If you want to leave, you can and will do it. You will get that courage.

              We're all here to listen and talk when you need it.


              I would like to tell u what happened this morning....



              me an my son slept on the sofa downstairs last night bc my son just was not ready to go to sleep..it was 1230 am. so i brought him downstairs and we fell alseep there....at 7 am...i bring us up stairs and we get into the bed where me and the fiance sleep ( fiance was in the bathroom getting ready for work)...when he comes out the bathroom...he calls me an idiot and walks out....i follow him and ask him why he called me that..he says bc the baby is in the bed with me....?????


              first of all..this is a routine i do ever morning...my son always comes in the bed with me between 7-8 am after his bottle...fiance is just usually gone by then..but this morning he was around due to snow...

              so i explained to him why...he didnt even look at me or even care for my explanation. so i asked him if something was wrong..he says no. he left and went to work.

              That was my morning...7 AM....no apology, nothing...

              i don't understand what went wrong...

              Comment


              • nothing "went wrong" Dessie... this is just the same ol, same ol for him. You've said he's had a tough time of it growing up, and never was able to deal with it, seek counseling, etc. To him - this is okay.

                BUT YOU KNOW BETTER

                Do this for YOU, do this for YOUR SON! It isn't about having to be a single mom, it is about being the absolute best mom you can be - and that will come when you've got this man out of your lives. So he calls you an idiot one more time - show him you're not, start planning now to get out of that situation, and when the time comes he will be flabergasted that some "idiot" like you would have the courage, strength, and insight to know what is right for you and do something about it.

                Comment


                • Why did he call you an idiot?

                  Because he can.... That being that he thinks he owns you...an abusive person, be it physical, emotional, will always put the other person down, belittle them, make them weak, why? So they feel that they can't leave, no one else will want them.

                  I'm not sure if this other man your seeing isn't just a sincere bond, of two people on "his side" coupled with chemistry, or he feels the same way back... If a man knows someone is being abused in any fashion, and he has feelings, he generally becomes the knight, can't help himself...

                  But, that's not relevant, what is relevant is you need to go back to NY, before you get caught and your probation sends you back into jaol, for your child...

                  One slip up, your fiance finds out about this other man, regardless if he is sleeping around or just flirting and having emotional affairs, he as an abuser, will dob you in....

                  You are intelligent enough to see the signs of abuse, to acknowledge your chalk and cheese, to see that he puts you down constantly, that he is the one in control, that he is never wrong, you are always wrong and you've been searching to get out of this for a while, hense the cheating twice, in 2008 and now...You want what you deserve love.

                  No one is an angel But you can spread your wings and fly.....

                  You may feel March is soon, however, I thought driving 2 minutes to get home, with two glasses of wine consumed, wouldn't get me caught either

                  In this World we have to stand on our own two feet...we can't rely on anyone....that's tough....but when you start really thinking, and putting it out there, (here is a start), then you start to see ways in which you can do things....

                  Your probably remaining due to this other man, and that you should be in NY....

                  If he loves you, March is not far away, he will wait....

                  Your reason for leaving, quite frankly is your a risk taker, you take risks and your taking too big a one, your reason for leaving is Probation.... Even if you think your fiancee will tell them you were where you are now? If you did, so he can after March as well, when you leave...The difference is, if he ever told, you made the move to get back there, you were controlled but did the right thing, as hard as it was, which would help you...

                  CW
                  PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                  Comment


                  • Like others have said Dessie, nothing "went wrong"... He's being a butt because he can and he doesn't think you will ever do anything about it. The behavior may very well indeed get worse because he doesn't think you will ever do anything about it, that you need him, that you are dependent on him. You know that is not the case.

                    Regardless of another man, you need to leave, you know this. And you need to do it before your current fiance finds out something is going on because that is when things may get bad.

                    Nobody has the right to talk down to you. Nobody has the right to call you an idiot for a loving routine that you have developed with your son. Nobody has the right to treat you like a piece of trash. Do not give this man the right to do this to you.

                    Pretz made a good call in talking with your Probation Officer. That is a very good step and one that you should consider. If you talk to your PO, then no matter what happens, it won't be a surprise if/when your fiance tries to make things worse for you.

                    You are in control of your life, nobody else is and don't give him that control.

                    <hugs>

                    Comment


                    • Dessie - First and foremost, no one should ever talk to you the way your fiance does. Not acceptable!

                      Second: I can feel your anxiety when I read your posts and I'm glad that I joined in late on this conversation. Part of being a woman is being able to take responsibility for your own actions. I apologize ahead of time if my response stings a little, but I would tell my own daughter the exact same things.

                      I hope I have the details right, please correct me if I'm wrong:
                      Met fiance in 07, cheated on fiance in 08, had a child in 09, got engaged in 2010, currently cheating on Fiance, moved out of state in March 2010, at which time you were aware this was a violation of your probation conditions. You broke the law, not the first time.

                      You have been with your fiance for 3 years? During this time you spent 2 of these years looking for and finding current lover, "mystery man", the man you love? If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?


                      There is so much BS..I could go on for daysssssssssssssss......still think counseling is an option?

                      No, because it takes two people to make a relationship work. You have never wanted this relationship to work. Actions speak louder than words.


                      All i can say is that I care about him...a lot....

                      If you cared about him at all you would not have cheated on him. This has happened more than once. Your fiance is not the only one with relationship issues.


                      Since then he has been having secret emails,secret cell phone, secret FB acct...meeting up with girls etc...BUT i have no proof that he actually had sex with any other woman...but my gut tells me he has. YEs i brought all this up to him....he said he was sorry..and got rid of all of it...email..phones....but not the fb account ( he actually just changed the email to that) but i still monitor it without his knowledge...as well as his current cell phone.

                      Would it ease your conscience if you caught him doing the same thing? You don't love him, so why waste your time checking up on him.


                      my gut has been telling me to leave....but I am terrified! I am terrified of what he might do to me...he has never hit me...but he is not the type of person you would want to off....he will only cause my life ...

                      I believe you are terrified of the truth coming out and the not knowing if he will turn you in. You've known this man for 3 years and he has never hit you. This man is not causing all of the drama in your life, you are. It's time to take responsibility for your actions and move on. Do it for the little man in your life, he's counting on you.

                      Life is all about lessons. Learn from your mistakes and hopefully your relationship with the "mystery man" will be everything you hope for. Good Luck!
                      Before you talk about what you want ~ Be happy with what you have

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by JustHormonious View Post
                        Dessie - First and foremost, no one should ever talk to you the way your fiance does. Not acceptable!

                        Second: I can feel your anxiety when I read your posts and I'm glad that I joined in late on this conversation. Part of being a woman is being able to take responsibility for your own actions. I apologize ahead of time if my response stings a little, but I would tell my own daughter the exact same things.

                        I hope I have the details right, please correct me if I'm wrong:
                        Met fiance in 07, cheated on fiance in 08, had a child in 09, got engaged in 2010, currently cheating on Fiance, moved out of state in March 2010, at which time you were aware this was a violation of your probation conditions. You broke the law, not the first time.

                        You have been with your fiance for 3 years? During this time you spent 2 of these years looking for and finding current lover, "mystery man", the man you love? If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?





                        No, because it takes two people to make a relationship work. You have never wanted this relationship to work. Actions speak louder than words.





                        If you cared about him at all you would not have cheated on him. This has happened more than once. Your fiance is not the only one with relationship issues.





                        Would it ease your conscience if you caught him doing the same thing? You don't love him, so why waste your time checking up on him.





                        I believe you are terrified of the truth coming out and the not knowing if he will turn you in. You've known this man for 3 years and he has never hit you. This man is not causing all of the drama in your life, you are. It's time to take responsibility for your actions and move on. Do it for the little man in your life, he's counting on you.

                        Life is all about lessons. Learn from your mistakes and hopefully your relationship with the "mystery man" will be everything you hope for. Good Luck!
                        I am 29 years ago....

                        your advice did sting a little...but i def understand where your coming from. He has no proof of my leaving the state...but he will " Make proof" if you catch my drift. I was very careful....i get nothing mailed here...NOTHING. i keep no receipts...no evidence that i was here....he will more than likely go about another route like saying i use drugs etc. ( I dont)

                        your right...I DID care about him..

                        Comment


                        • Counseling doesn't sound like a very good option.
                          Leaving sounds like an excellent idea.

                          He's toxic.

                          Comment


                          • hi i know how you feel...some people are like that i think if you let them dominate you. i think it is a way of control in a way. to always keep you guilty...i have the same problem with my husband. and feel like walking out of this. but i am very weak...can't do it yet.

                            Comment


                            • It looks like love has taken a back seat to control. His communicating with you should never make you feel inferior. It should be with respect, love and understanding. People will treat you the way you let them treat you. Put your foot down and demand he first of all respect you, until he does there is no point in communicating when the end result is always your feeling helpless and inferior, and him having the last word and coming out on top. What is more important to him, your relationship or him having the last word? If you can't communicate and respect each others point of view and he is not willing to see there is a problem and try to fix it, then my advice would be this.... the longer you put off leaving, the harder its going to be and the worse the situation is going to get. Do not let any person have control over you. Relationships are partnerships, not ownerships.

                              Comment


                              • Oh wow, i didnt see the date before leaving a response. I do hope you got out of this situation and that things are better for you. There is no telling what has happened since then, I hope you are ok.

                                Comment

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