[LanaBear]

Until a few minutes ago I was going to post something completely different, not now.

Things being the way they are, call your family. They'll be more than happy to come get you. Find a women's shelter until then. They are very professional in guarding victims of abusive spouses.

Your safety and your son's safety should never be compromised.

I completely agree with Prez here.

My initial response and the response I have now are completely different the more and more you share about your relationship.

It sounds like it was very toxic from the beginning. YOU do not deserve this and neither does you child. He doesn't want to see mommy crying all the time.

Get a hold of your family and tell them, tell them the truth about what you are going through and leave. Get in touch with a group or someone you can talk to for abused spouses. If you need to get a restraining order, do so.

You and your son deserve so much more than the life this man is giving you.

[caterpillar79]

Please never compromise you and your son's safety. Get a hold of your parents and link up to a women's shelter in your area. You do not have to go and have you and your son IN, but at least let the shelter know so that they can assist you since you are away from your family.

I also find myself struggling between words but I discovered that I can better express myself by writing my thoughts and feelings. write down what you think and how you feel. When the time comes where you find yourself having to explain things to him, you can have your notes ready - do not be embarrassed about it. I did that and I still do it until now. It helps open the communication lines. If you have to let your suppressed resentment/anger out with so much emotion, do so. It helps.

[Dessie413]

I completely agree with Prez here.

My initial response and the response I have now are completely different the more and more you share about your relationship.

It sounds like it was very toxic from the beginning. YOU do not deserve this and neither does you child. He doesn't want to see mommy crying all the time.

Get a hold of your family and tell them, tell them the truth about what you are going through and leave. Get in touch with a group or someone you can talk to for abused spouses. If you need to get a restraining order, do so.

You and your son deserve so much more than the life this man is giving you.

my family will not help....all they are going to tell me is " I told you so" ( i have told them how he talks to me before) its just my mom and grandma...and they are old fashioned..they feel i should stick with it..and that maybe its something im not doing that i should be doing. my mom stayed with my dad till he died..even though she was miserable for the last 5 yrs of his life...she just moved into another bedroom.
my grandma is the same way..the only time they think i should leave is if he puts his hands on me.

i know your 100% right....but where does my courage come from to pack up and leave....that's my problem..Im too freakin scared...and i such a peace person that i just want to fix it all...im a punk...

and i feel more of a punk because he tells me this is all my fault...and a part of me is actually believing him...but i know it doesn't feel right.

I appreciate your advice so much..as this is the first time i have actually spoken about my issues with this man...to anyone. BUT there are other conditions ( like i said i have BS for daysssss)...im on probation....off in march of this yr..i am afraid he will try to screw this up for me..I have trusted him with all my secrets....


i dont want to just up and leave without really thinking....bc i have a tendency to just react without thinking and it usually cause me problems....what should i do before i actually leave MD?

[KMonte85]

how do you think he can screw up your probation? Were you doing things you shouldn't have that he can prove?

it seems you've fallen in the same pattern your mom and Grandmother did, but the kicker is: you can see it isn't right and want to do something about it! That's a huge first step. So you know your family won't be much help.. you must have friends back home - can you confide in any of them and seek their support?

[caterpillar79]

YOU go to a counselor on your own and sort yourself out first. Having someone to support you would help clear up what's been silenced within you. Contact a counselor now.

[pretzel]

If hearing "I told you so" is the worst that can happen, then you're in pretty good shape. I can't imagine your family abandoning you like this just because of their pasts. To me, I'd be inclined to think the opposite. Why would they allow their daughter/granddaughter to live the lives they lived when they have the chance to change it? Is there a religious aspect or a cultural aspect that should be thought of?

If you're on probation, first off, your PO knows where you are and I'm sure you have to check in. If your looking for a source to voice your fears, there's a good start. Let them know, let them document your concerns.

[LanaBear]

my family will not help....all they are going to tell me is " I told you so" ( i have told them how he talks to me before) its just my mom and grandma...and they are old fashioned..they feel i should stick with it..and that maybe its something im not doing that i should be doing. my mom stayed with my dad till he died..even though she was miserable for the last 5 yrs of his life...she just moved into another bedroom.
my grandma is the same way..the only time they think i should leave is if he puts his hands on me.

i know your 100% right....but where does my courage come from to pack up and leave....that's my problem..Im too freakin scared...and i such a peace person that i just want to fix it all...im a punk...

and i feel more of a punk because he tells me this is all my fault...and a part of me is actually believing him...but i know it doesn't feel right.

I appreciate your advice so much..as this is the first time i have actually spoken about my issues with this man...to anyone. BUT there are other conditions ( like i said i have BS for daysssss)...im on probation....off in march of this yr..i am afraid he will try to screw this up for me..I have trusted him with all my secrets....


i dont want to just up and leave without really thinking....bc i have a tendency to just react without thinking and it usually cause me problems....what should i do before i actually leave MD?

Sweetie.... Get the courage from your son. I know it will be hard and sometimes it will seem as if it was easier to just stay in this relationship, but in the long run, you will win out. Do it for yourself and your son. Do it to show your son that not all men are asshats. Do it to give yourself independence and respect.

You know the way your mom and grandmother lived their lives is not what you want for you.

You will need help though. Find an advocacy group that can help support you through this if you don't think you will get the support from your family. They have people that deal with this all the time and will help you move on.

However, once you decide to go, you need that to be your final decision. I do not see there being any good of you going, then changing your mind and coming back to him, it will probably make things worse.

Do the leg work now. You don't have to make this an immediate decision. Spend your days talking to someone, to make sure that you go about this in the safest way possible. Until then, keep a journal, document what you can of the past and what goes on from this point forward.

If you want to leave, you can and will do it. You will get that courage.

We're all here to listen and talk when you need it.

[Dessie413]

how do you think he can screw up your probation? Were you doing things you shouldn't have that he can prove?

it seems you've fallen in the same pattern your mom and Grandmother did, but the kicker is: you can see it isn't right and want to do something about it! That's a huge first step. So you know your family won't be much help.. you must have friends back home - can you confide in any of them and seek their support?

I dont mean to be filled with excuses but my friends are either going thru a divorce now....divorced or not even with the kids fathers so i feel like there advice is tainted.

they cant help me with a place to stay or nothing...all they can do is urge me to leave. but its not like they left their relationship voluntarily...its the males that left them

[Dessie413]

If hearing "I told you so" is the worst that can happen, then you're in pretty good shape. I can't imagine your family abandoning you like this just because of their pasts. To me, I'd be inclined to think the opposite. Why would they allow their daughter/granddaughter to live the lives they lived when they have the chance to change it? Is there a religious aspect or a cultural aspect that should be thought of?

If you're on probation, first off, your PO knows where you are and I'm sure you have to check in. If your looking for a source to voice your fears, there's a good start. Let them know, let them document your concerns.

trust me..they are not going to lift a finger regardless of my son....they did it to my twin sister and her 3 kids so i am no different...

my PO does not know i currently reside in MD...i actually drive up there once a month to go to my appt and use my moms address...i am not supposed to live out of NY state

[Dessie413]

Sweetie.... Get the courage from your son. I know it will be hard and sometimes it will seem as if it was easier to just stay in this relationship, but in the long run, you will win out. Do it for yourself and your son. Do it to show your son that not all men are asshats. Do it to give yourself independence and respect.

You know the way your mom and grandmother lived their lives is not what you want for you.

You will need help though. Find an advocacy group that can help support you through this if you don't think you will get the support from your family. They have people that deal with this all the time and will help you move on.

However, once you decide to go, you need that to be your final decision. I do not see there being any good of you going, then changing your mind and coming back to him, it will probably make things worse.

Do the leg work now. You don't have to make this an immediate decision. Spend your days talking to someone, to make sure that you go about this in the safest way possible. Until then, keep a journal, document what you can of the past and what goes on from this point forward.

If you want to leave, you can and will do it. You will get that courage.

We're all here to listen and talk when you need it.

Thank u so much ( im crying : ( ....) i really need someone to talk to cause my mind is all messed up. when i leave i WILL never come back ....couldn't even pay me too. I just wish it didn't have to be this way...single mom? was never what i wanted to be...its all that run in my family..i just wanted to be different. I will start a journal TODAY.


Im no angel...so with that i will let out my last secret about this mess im in... I have been seeing someone else. I know its wrong but he is a really great guy...even before most of these problems with my fiance...so its not like i let me relationship with this mystery man influence my actions with my fiance.

this mystery man is a man from my past...when i was 16...I searched for him for 2 yrs before i found him ( in that 2 yrs is when i met my fiance) ....I must confess that I LOVE this man. I always have even when i was 16. I love him like " the notebook" love. its indescribable. he knows the situation i am in...without the details bc i don't believe in talking bad about my fiance to another man. I am not trying to just run into his arms when i leave my fiance and he knows that he is NOT the reason I am leaving....

but i cant help to keep thinking..if i never found this ex of mine...would i still be so urged to leave? ....he doesn't encourage me to leave nor does he support it..he just listens. we have a connection like no other. i have never had a connection with my fiance. everything was always forced.

i just wanted to be completely honest....