[Dessie413]

Sweetie.... Get the courage from your son. I know it will be hard and sometimes it will seem as if it was easier to just stay in this relationship, but in the long run, you will win out. Do it for yourself and your son. Do it to show your son that not all men are asshats. Do it to give yourself independence and respect.

You know the way your mom and grandmother lived their lives is not what you want for you.

You will need help though. Find an advocacy group that can help support you through this if you don't think you will get the support from your family. They have people that deal with this all the time and will help you move on.

However, once you decide to go, you need that to be your final decision. I do not see there being any good of you going, then changing your mind and coming back to him, it will probably make things worse.

Do the leg work now. You don't have to make this an immediate decision. Spend your days talking to someone, to make sure that you go about this in the safest way possible. Until then, keep a journal, document what you can of the past and what goes on from this point forward.

If you want to leave, you can and will do it. You will get that courage.

We're all here to listen and talk when you need it.

I would like to tell u what happened this morning....



me an my son slept on the sofa downstairs last night bc my son just was not ready to go to sleep..it was 1230 am. so i brought him downstairs and we fell alseep there....at 7 am...i bring us up stairs and we get into the bed where me and the fiance sleep ( fiance was in the bathroom getting ready for work)...when he comes out the bathroom...he calls me an idiot and walks out....i follow him and ask him why he called me that..he says bc the baby is in the bed with me....?????


first of all..this is a routine i do ever morning...my son always comes in the bed with me between 7-8 am after his bottle...fiance is just usually gone by then..but this morning he was around due to snow...

so i explained to him why...he didnt even look at me or even care for my explanation. so i asked him if something was wrong..he says no. he left and went to work.

That was my morning...7 AM....no apology, nothing...

i don't understand what went wrong...

[KMonte85]

nothing "went wrong" Dessie... this is just the same ol, same ol for him. You've said he's had a tough time of it growing up, and never was able to deal with it, seek counseling, etc. To him - this is okay.

BUT YOU KNOW BETTER

Do this for YOU, do this for YOUR SON! It isn't about having to be a single mom, it is about being the absolute best mom you can be - and that will come when you've got this man out of your lives. So he calls you an idiot one more time - show him you're not, start planning now to get out of that situation, and when the time comes he will be flabergasted that some "idiot" like you would have the courage, strength, and insight to know what is right for you and do something about it.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Why did he call you an idiot?

Because he can.... That being that he thinks he owns you...an abusive person, be it physical, emotional, will always put the other person down, belittle them, make them weak, why? So they feel that they can't leave, no one else will want them.

I'm not sure if this other man your seeing isn't just a sincere bond, of two people on "his side" coupled with chemistry, or he feels the same way back... If a man knows someone is being abused in any fashion, and he has feelings, he generally becomes the knight, can't help himself...

But, that's not relevant, what is relevant is you need to go back to NY, before you get caught and your probation sends you back into jaol, for your child...

One slip up, your fiance finds out about this other man, regardless if he is sleeping around or just flirting and having emotional affairs, he as an abuser, will dob you in....

You are intelligent enough to see the signs of abuse, to acknowledge your chalk and cheese, to see that he puts you down constantly, that he is the one in control, that he is never wrong, you are always wrong and you've been searching to get out of this for a while, hense the cheating twice, in 2008 and now...You want what you deserve love.

No one is an angel But you can spread your wings and fly.....

You may feel March is soon, however, I thought driving 2 minutes to get home, with two glasses of wine consumed, wouldn't get me caught either

In this World we have to stand on our own two feet...we can't rely on anyone....that's tough....but when you start really thinking, and putting it out there, (here is a start), then you start to see ways in which you can do things....

Your probably remaining due to this other man, and that you should be in NY....

If he loves you, March is not far away, he will wait....

Your reason for leaving, quite frankly is your a risk taker, you take risks and your taking too big a one, your reason for leaving is Probation.... Even if you think your fiancee will tell them you were where you are now? If you did, so he can after March as well, when you leave...The difference is, if he ever told, you made the move to get back there, you were controlled but did the right thing, as hard as it was, which would help you...

CW

[LanaBear]

Like others have said Dessie, nothing "went wrong"... He's being a butt because he can and he doesn't think you will ever do anything about it. The behavior may very well indeed get worse because he doesn't think you will ever do anything about it, that you need him, that you are dependent on him. You know that is not the case.

Regardless of another man, you need to leave, you know this. And you need to do it before your current fiance finds out something is going on because that is when things may get bad.

Nobody has the right to talk down to you. Nobody has the right to call you an idiot for a loving routine that you have developed with your son. Nobody has the right to treat you like a piece of trash. Do not give this man the right to do this to you.

Pretz made a good call in talking with your Probation Officer. That is a very good step and one that you should consider. If you talk to your PO, then no matter what happens, it won't be a surprise if/when your fiance tries to make things worse for you.

You are in control of your life, nobody else is and don't give him that control.

<hugs>

[JustHormonious]

Dessie - First and foremost, no one should ever talk to you the way your fiance does. Not acceptable!

Second: I can feel your anxiety when I read your posts and I'm glad that I joined in late on this conversation. Part of being a woman is being able to take responsibility for your own actions. I apologize ahead of time if my response stings a little, but I would tell my own daughter the exact same things.

I hope I have the details right, please correct me if I'm wrong:
Met fiance in 07, cheated on fiance in 08, had a child in 09, got engaged in 2010, currently cheating on Fiance, moved out of state in March 2010, at which time you were aware this was a violation of your probation conditions. You broke the law, not the first time.

You have been with your fiance for 3 years? During this time you spent 2 of these years looking for and finding current lover, "mystery man", the man you love? If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?

There is so much BS..I could go on for daysssssssssssssss......still think counseling is an option?

No, because it takes two people to make a relationship work. You have never wanted this relationship to work. Actions speak louder than words.

All i can say is that I care about him...a lot....

If you cared about him at all you would not have cheated on him. This has happened more than once. Your fiance is not the only one with relationship issues.

Since then he has been having secret emails,secret cell phone, secret FB acct...meeting up with girls etc...BUT i have no proof that he actually had sex with any other woman...but my gut tells me he has. YEs i brought all this up to him....he said he was sorry..and got rid of all of it...email..phones....but not the fb account ( he actually just changed the email to that) but i still monitor it without his knowledge...as well as his current cell phone.

Would it ease your conscience if you caught him doing the same thing? You don't love him, so why waste your time checking up on him.

my gut has been telling me to leave....but I am terrified! I am terrified of what he might do to me...he has never hit me...but he is not the type of person you would want to off....he will only cause my life ...

I believe you are terrified of the truth coming out and the not knowing if he will turn you in. You've known this man for 3 years and he has never hit you. This man is not causing all of the drama in your life, you are. It's time to take responsibility for your actions and move on. Do it for the little man in your life, he's counting on you.

Life is all about lessons. Learn from your mistakes and hopefully your relationship with the "mystery man" will be everything you hope for. Good Luck!

[Dessie413]

Dessie - First and foremost, no one should ever talk to you the way your fiance does. Not acceptable!

Second: I can feel your anxiety when I read your posts and I'm glad that I joined in late on this conversation. Part of being a woman is being able to take responsibility for your own actions. I apologize ahead of time if my response stings a little, but I would tell my own daughter the exact same things.

I hope I have the details right, please correct me if I'm wrong:
Met fiance in 07, cheated on fiance in 08, had a child in 09, got engaged in 2010, currently cheating on Fiance, moved out of state in March 2010, at which time you were aware this was a violation of your probation conditions. You broke the law, not the first time.

You have been with your fiance for 3 years? During this time you spent 2 of these years looking for and finding current lover, "mystery man", the man you love? If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?





No, because it takes two people to make a relationship work. You have never wanted this relationship to work. Actions speak louder than words.





If you cared about him at all you would not have cheated on him. This has happened more than once. Your fiance is not the only one with relationship issues.





Would it ease your conscience if you caught him doing the same thing? You don't love him, so why waste your time checking up on him.





I believe you are terrified of the truth coming out and the not knowing if he will turn you in. You've known this man for 3 years and he has never hit you. This man is not causing all of the drama in your life, you are. It's time to take responsibility for your actions and move on. Do it for the little man in your life, he's counting on you.

Life is all about lessons. Learn from your mistakes and hopefully your relationship with the "mystery man" will be everything you hope for. Good Luck!

I am 29 years ago....

your advice did sting a little...but i def understand where your coming from. He has no proof of my leaving the state...but he will " Make proof" if you catch my drift. I was very careful....i get nothing mailed here...NOTHING. i keep no receipts...no evidence that i was here....he will more than likely go about another route like saying i use drugs etc. ( I dont)

your right...I DID care about him..

[WildChild]

Counseling doesn't sound like a very good option.
Leaving sounds like an excellent idea.

He's toxic.

[bib]

hi i know how you feel...some people are like that i think if you let them dominate you. i think it is a way of control in a way. to always keep you guilty...i have the same problem with my husband. and feel like walking out of this. but i am very weak...can't do it yet.

[aprincess2012]

It looks like love has taken a back seat to control. His communicating with you should never make you feel inferior. It should be with respect, love and understanding. People will treat you the way you let them treat you. Put your foot down and demand he first of all respect you, until he does there is no point in communicating when the end result is always your feeling helpless and inferior, and him having the last word and coming out on top. What is more important to him, your relationship or him having the last word? If you can't communicate and respect each others point of view and he is not willing to see there is a problem and try to fix it, then my advice would be this.... the longer you put off leaving, the harder its going to be and the worse the situation is going to get. Do not let any person have control over you. Relationships are partnerships, not ownerships.

[aprincess2012]

Oh wow, i didnt see the date before leaving a response. I do hope you got out of this situation and that things are better for you. There is no telling what has happened since then, I hope you are ok.