Hi ladies
I have posted before about a (now) long-term issue with my partner. I'm now at the stage (with the help of a psychologist) where I know what I should do for me, but it goes against everything my heart tells me and I am really struggling with what to do. Sorry its so long - it's part vent as well!
In short to recap:
Been together 8 years,bought a house in november '09, dogs in decemeber and talked quite openly about both wanting kids. We know each other inside out and honestly thought i had found my life partner.Everyone says we are perfect and never believed we would split.
Then in February he tells me that he has feelings for someone else (his best-friend's ex) and that our life has become boring etc. but the next month or so is back and forth him saying he loves me etc etc. In March, he cheated on me with this girl but admitted it the next day etc etc. At this stage I started to suspect that there was something else at play (depression) for such a sudden turn-around in feelings and behaviour (i've only touched on some things here). We continued to live together but as hard as it was, I moved out in August to my own place, even though I loved him and he said he loved me. We still kept joint accounts, he paid half my rent etc and for about 6 weeks there, we really didn't have any contact at all, but I initiated the converstaion about selling the house and getting rid of our dogs.
At that point (its now mid-september), he suddenly started getting in contact again and we ended up going away together a couple of times, i stayed at our house, we worked in the garden together (with him saying "we could do this....we could do that....won't it be great when we....". Friends and family who saw us together at this time said that you wouldn't have know that we were ever apart. It was a sexual relationship and everything felt so good. He told me that he had ended things with the other girl as it was never going to go anywhere, he didn't have her number in his phone, had deleted her from facebook etc etc. I said to myself that I was happy to 'go with the flow' and see what happened until it started to feel weird (i suffer anxiety) and when it did, I asked him what was happening - were we friends with benefits or something more? He said if I had asked him the week before he would have said that we were back together, but now he doesn't know and that his mood affects the way he sees things. At this point I asked him if he thought he might have depression (he'd denied it to this point) and he said yes, but he didn't want to do anything about it and that he was 'coping'.
It went on and on like this until just before Christmas when I told him that I wanted to move back home and see how things went, even just as 'housemates'. He freaked out and couldn't come up with an answer. When he calmed down he said that 'he can't do this without me', but he's not really doing anything.
I went to my parents for Christmas (the first christmas without him in 9 years) and I didn't really hear from him at all, although I know he was really down over christmas from what his family said. Then he rang me on NYE to tell me that over the past couple of days he had been to another town to 'catch up' with the same girl. I got really angry and asked had i been made a fool of by the relationship going on behind my back the past few months and he said (and i believe him) that he hadn't spoken to her at all until a couple of days before and it was a spur of the moment thing. He said it was a disaster, that it didn't go well, and I don't believe he has heard from her since. Since the New Year we had another great weekend together where we hung out, have had dinner, been to the movies etc. Now I am house sitting our house while he has gone to see his brother, and I am having a bit of a meltdown again.
We both avoid confrontation - him because he doesn't want to talk about things and me because I don't want to jinx the good times we have by turning the tide and making things uncomfortable. When we do talk about things, it doesn't (and hasn't) got nasty or angry, he just completely shuts down, bursts into tears and can't talk. He then gets down for a few days. I find it hard to control my sadness, and I usually end up in tears as well.
My head says, that I should give him an ultimatum and leave, probably sell the house and get rid of the dogs, but I can't see myself doing this. I really believe the depression has had a huge effect on him and his behaivour (drugs and alcohol have been involved as well) and the emotional side of him saying things such as 'i can't do this without my best friend' really kill me, because his friends have all moved interstate this year and his parents quite openly tell me that they don't want to confront him because they want him to feel like he can always go home and not feel threatened. He also works everyday with his dad so it has been strained at times.
I also can't fathom leaving for good, when by his own admission, this whole change of heart came about in one day at a concert, and when he has recently said (at my suggestion of relationship counselling) "its not our relationship that is the problem, it is me". I know that he won't seek any help for his depression without me, but I also don't know that he will get help with me.
I'm terrified of being alone (he's the only person i've had a relationship with) and I am ready to have kids and we both thought when we bought the house that 2010 would be the year we had children. I can't believe that I am now going to be 30, alone, with no house and no kids, starting again, having never really done the whole dating thing. Now I am alone, with the belief that things could be ok (if he were to get help) but knowing that it is a real possibility that he wont.
In short, my head says go, but my heart and every part of me says that things will be ok.
Anybody got any insight or advice, as I am really lost tonight?
I have posted before about a (now) long-term issue with my partner. I'm now at the stage (with the help of a psychologist) where I know what I should do for me, but it goes against everything my heart tells me and I am really struggling with what to do. Sorry its so long - it's part vent as well!
In short to recap:
Been together 8 years,bought a house in november '09, dogs in decemeber and talked quite openly about both wanting kids. We know each other inside out and honestly thought i had found my life partner.Everyone says we are perfect and never believed we would split.
Then in February he tells me that he has feelings for someone else (his best-friend's ex) and that our life has become boring etc. but the next month or so is back and forth him saying he loves me etc etc. In March, he cheated on me with this girl but admitted it the next day etc etc. At this stage I started to suspect that there was something else at play (depression) for such a sudden turn-around in feelings and behaviour (i've only touched on some things here). We continued to live together but as hard as it was, I moved out in August to my own place, even though I loved him and he said he loved me. We still kept joint accounts, he paid half my rent etc and for about 6 weeks there, we really didn't have any contact at all, but I initiated the converstaion about selling the house and getting rid of our dogs.
At that point (its now mid-september), he suddenly started getting in contact again and we ended up going away together a couple of times, i stayed at our house, we worked in the garden together (with him saying "we could do this....we could do that....won't it be great when we....". Friends and family who saw us together at this time said that you wouldn't have know that we were ever apart. It was a sexual relationship and everything felt so good. He told me that he had ended things with the other girl as it was never going to go anywhere, he didn't have her number in his phone, had deleted her from facebook etc etc. I said to myself that I was happy to 'go with the flow' and see what happened until it started to feel weird (i suffer anxiety) and when it did, I asked him what was happening - were we friends with benefits or something more? He said if I had asked him the week before he would have said that we were back together, but now he doesn't know and that his mood affects the way he sees things. At this point I asked him if he thought he might have depression (he'd denied it to this point) and he said yes, but he didn't want to do anything about it and that he was 'coping'.
It went on and on like this until just before Christmas when I told him that I wanted to move back home and see how things went, even just as 'housemates'. He freaked out and couldn't come up with an answer. When he calmed down he said that 'he can't do this without me', but he's not really doing anything.
I went to my parents for Christmas (the first christmas without him in 9 years) and I didn't really hear from him at all, although I know he was really down over christmas from what his family said. Then he rang me on NYE to tell me that over the past couple of days he had been to another town to 'catch up' with the same girl. I got really angry and asked had i been made a fool of by the relationship going on behind my back the past few months and he said (and i believe him) that he hadn't spoken to her at all until a couple of days before and it was a spur of the moment thing. He said it was a disaster, that it didn't go well, and I don't believe he has heard from her since. Since the New Year we had another great weekend together where we hung out, have had dinner, been to the movies etc. Now I am house sitting our house while he has gone to see his brother, and I am having a bit of a meltdown again.
We both avoid confrontation - him because he doesn't want to talk about things and me because I don't want to jinx the good times we have by turning the tide and making things uncomfortable. When we do talk about things, it doesn't (and hasn't) got nasty or angry, he just completely shuts down, bursts into tears and can't talk. He then gets down for a few days. I find it hard to control my sadness, and I usually end up in tears as well.
My head says, that I should give him an ultimatum and leave, probably sell the house and get rid of the dogs, but I can't see myself doing this. I really believe the depression has had a huge effect on him and his behaivour (drugs and alcohol have been involved as well) and the emotional side of him saying things such as 'i can't do this without my best friend' really kill me, because his friends have all moved interstate this year and his parents quite openly tell me that they don't want to confront him because they want him to feel like he can always go home and not feel threatened. He also works everyday with his dad so it has been strained at times.
I also can't fathom leaving for good, when by his own admission, this whole change of heart came about in one day at a concert, and when he has recently said (at my suggestion of relationship counselling) "its not our relationship that is the problem, it is me". I know that he won't seek any help for his depression without me, but I also don't know that he will get help with me.
I'm terrified of being alone (he's the only person i've had a relationship with) and I am ready to have kids and we both thought when we bought the house that 2010 would be the year we had children. I can't believe that I am now going to be 30, alone, with no house and no kids, starting again, having never really done the whole dating thing. Now I am alone, with the belief that things could be ok (if he were to get help) but knowing that it is a real possibility that he wont.
In short, my head says go, but my heart and every part of me says that things will be ok.
Anybody got any insight or advice, as I am really lost tonight?
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