[jmb123]

Am I stupid and nieve??? 6 weeks ago my husbands phone was going off in the middle of the night. He was passed out in one of his many druken stupours so I looked at it. I found many disgusting vulgour text to another woman. I confronted him and he tried to worm his way out of it. We talked it through and he convinced me it was only texting. I began to get over it. STUPID!! a few weeks later the same occurred!! I just lost the plot - yelling at him. I kept kidding myself and continued my day to day activities - fulltime work, mother of two children, housework etc etc. Today our first night in a long time we have a night off from the children - we argue - it finally comes out that it has been more than texting - lots of visits to her place. I am totally disgusted and sickened in the stomach. My first reaction is to run but I can't help thinking of my children and the impact that could have on them. This is only a small snapshot of our lives but has deeply crushed me. Any advice???

[blueclouds]

Hi, sorry to hear you're going through this.

First off, I wouldn't say running is the best way to deal with it, it's just escaping. However, getting space could be good for you. Can he take care of the children so you can go away, telling your children you're visiting someone?

The ways he's lied to you, cheated on you and his drinking problems don't paint a good picture of him. He sounds very difficult and inconsiderate.

You say your marriage has other issues. Can you talk about how your marriage is generally? Is it really great and worth being in apart from the cheating? If so, maybe you can deal with the infidelity (it isn't easy) and try to move forward. If it's not so great otherwise, this might be more difficult to recover from. Staying with someone just because you have children together isn't a good idea. In my opinion, the fractured household hurts children more than a happy single-parent household.

[Guest]

Children would rather come from a broken home then live in one.

There is reams of data to support this statement. It sounds like you have some serious thinking to do about your life and the lives of your children.

[sarahhannah]

Your husband has disrespected you, your marriage and your children. There is nothing, and let me repeat NOTHING, you did to deserved being cheated on. He made the decision to cheat and continues to do so.

Here is the impact on the children. The longer you stay in this, the more exposed they are to his very damaging behavior, the worse it is for them.

I stayed with a horrible man, for eight years longer than I should have. I "thought" like you do, that you want your family together for the sake of the children. What sake is that? Kids are very smart and know when their family is fractured. They know if a parent is cheating and disengaged from the family. The children will ALWAYS find some way to feel responsible.

Had I had it to do over again, I would have bailed out eight years ago. My kids were 3 and 5. They are now 11 and 13. Trust me, at the younger ages, they would have hurt but by now would barely know their father. Now they have grown up only knowing a cheating liar father who has been abusive to their mother and negligent to them. I wasted those years, years of heartache and wasting time to possibly meet someone who would have been nicer to me, good to my children and helped us build the kind of life that their father was and is still incapable of providing.

I tried to hold up the marriage, but it is impossible if one person is tearing it down.

[auntie_awesome]

Children would rather come from a broken home then live in one.

This exactly. Seeker is so right, you can't stay in a relationship that is bad or one that he isn't willing to fix.

[Annabelle]

I would be honest with the kids, explain to them in a way they'll understand why you two aren't working out. From the way it sounds he doesn't really care if he's hurting you and your family. This may not be what you want to hear, but he isn't worth it; you can't wear a fake smile for the rest of your life and pretend nothing is wrong while he's running around with other women and tearing your family apart. If you've got the proof, you shouldn't be putting up with it, and neither should your children. And no, you're not stupid or naive. I'm sure there are other women out there who feel and think this way. You want what's best for your children, and that makes perfect sense.

[JadedQueen]

I also agree with Seeker. Your husband drinks, lies and cheats. It's safe to say he's not a good role model for your children. If you were to stay then your children would have a drunk, lying, cheating father that makes their Mom miserable, sad, and depressed and they fight all the time.I realize it may be difficult to leave, but you deserve better than that and your children will be much happier in the long run. I don't know if you have daughters, sons, one of each... but if you stay your children will grow up thinking that's a "normal" relationship. I hear people all the time say "I want to leave but we have kids" what people fail to realize is getting children out of an unhealthy environment is what's best for the kids.

[Ashlee T.]

There seem to be many more reasons other than cheating to consider this marriage a loss and move on with your life. Easier said than done I know....but it's what you need, you know it, he knows it, and eventually your child will know it. If you stay, it's a win-lose situation. He wins, he has his cake and gets to eat it too. You lose. And your child loses.

[Em x]

Sometimes parents are better off sperated when it doesn't work out, because you don't want to be shooting fire out of your eyes everytime you see eachother in the house, Your kids will know whats going on, and they won't be happy. having visitations are better, They can spend time with both parents. And WOuldn't have to see them fight all the time. Cause there are many wher couples say, " we're doing it for the kids " but its not the right way. Cause you'll be constantly fighting, he won't be home like usuall (cause of the women) and they'll wonder why. Yknow?

[txsgrl81]

How did you finally have the strength to leave, what was the final straw? I dont want to leave but dont know if I have a choice w all the constant disrespect. Did you fear going to sleep? I have terrible nightmares about his cheating.