[caterpillar79]

While it was very inappropriate of him to flirt with other girls and text and send/receive dirty pictures while he's with you, it is also not a good practice to 'police' his phone activities. But I do understand you. Been there, done that, and reaped the consequences.

You have to remind yourself and remember, once you explore an untouched, unfamiliar territory, that being your husband's cellphone, you are opening yourself to the unexpected.

It's good that you were able to vent through the forum, but I reckon you tell your husband exactly how you feel about it in a non-reprimanding, non-challenging way. You are not his mother who should 'demand' this and that, but a loving partner who was hurt and betrayed, hence deserve an explanation and amends.

Will you be able to trust him again? Will he do whatever it takes to regain your trust? Is he willing to compromise? What are the things are you going to lay on the table? think about these before you talk to him.

What do you think are/were the reasons that go beyond "he just needed something different to look at"? Is he getting enough visual stimulation within the union? Or maybe he needs some outside help (professional) to aid him regain his FOCUS unto you - i.e. marital counseling. Or maybe he has his fantasies and could not open up to you about them. There are plenty of reasons that might have served as catalysts that you are not aware of, and he might even deny it himself, it could just be in his sub-conscious, or the way he's wired.

Whatever it might be, communication is an integral part of any relationship, more so with marriage.

I am an all or nothing kind of spouse. To me, cheating is cheating no matter what form - physical/visual/emotional. I don't quite understand the need for a man to look at different menus whilst I am already there. I abhor that, I am against that, I repel that, and I definitely cannot forgive that.

It's your call. Weigh your heart and follow what it says.

[Whattodo]

to add on to the last letter

He stated he had never physically cheated on me. (he would never be able to look at me or lay next to me in bed)

The next morning i went through his active cellphone and found more random phone numbers and pictures(Going by the pictures I knew they were not professionals) I finally got the truth out of him. He been visiting a web site called fast flirting on the internet via cell phone ...were he as been getting random girl cell numbers and sending them dirty txts and photos. he as been doing this for three years. Iam so gutted.
i feel so hurt and betrayed..i dont know what to do or how to trust him again.
I dont want to keep policing his phone ..I feel I have too cos I feel old habits are hard to break. he told me he need somthing different to look at( My reply was if you needed to that get F.. magazine....dont go flirting with the girl next door.

My world as come down around me, iam really stuck with what to do...I havnt spoken to anyone about this has iam very embrassed ..I thought everything was amazing between us.

Thank you for reading ...I needed to get this off my chest

[Whattodo]

I know the feeling

I hav been with my husband for four years(recently married)

I had a gut feeling something was happening, I walked pass his cell phone and a I just had to look .....(Never done it before)
Here was txt messages from another woman calling babe, hun ...talking about sex and waht part of the country they are from. I confronted him about it and he told me it was a random number and the firsdt and only time it had happened( I believed him)

After our marriage I was cleaning out the draws and found his old cell phone, I couldnt believed what i saw, Photos of boobs and anything else you could think of. Random numbers all through his phone.
I confronted him and he said he got them through a porn sit on the internet ..needed something different to look at(He told me that he has never physically cheated on me, as would be able to face me if he did!!!

[caterpillar79]

Called a therapist this morning for us to go to counseling. He is doing all right things, but I am not sure I will ever forgive him and get over this. I am hurt, angry and feel so betrayed. I don't know what to do... please help!

Let your anger stew. Go ahead and vent, let it out. Will you ever forgive him, you ask? You can only answer that, but NOT now. It's too fresh. Think about that later when you have simmered down.

Go along with counseling. Maybe do it with him, and then have another one just on your own. That would give you a lot of help.

It's good that this has came out now. Later, when the haze had cleared up a little bit, ask yourself if you are willing to be the lifetime partner for him who breached your trust.

He is sorry and is making amends. See this as him saying, "i love you, I can't afford to lose you".

It is always difficult to put back together the trust once shattered. All I can say for now is TAKE YOUR TIME. This is the test. If your love for him (and your love for each other) endures, then it's meant to be.

[Lost in TX]

I just found this thread and read it start to finish... I am going through the same thing. Three days ago I found out that my fiance was having a texting relationship with a girl that he briefly dated. It has been happening sporadically throughout the past year and picked up when he started to travel for work. He would text for long periods (ex. 11pm to 4am)... sometimes hundreds of texts at a time. She also sent inappropriate pics of herself and then I found pics that he sent to her. I know he has not met up with this girl, but the emotional infedility is just as bad. I am absolutely devastated and don't know what to do. He has begged for forgiveness, sent a text to the girl stating to delete his contact info and to never contact him again (in front of me). He also gave me his password to view his online cell records. Called a therapist this morning for us to go to counseling. He is doing all right things, but I am not sure I will ever forgive him and get over this. I am hurt, angry and feel so betrayed. I don't know what to do... please help!

[caterpillar79]

Here's something to consider: Can anyone be so stupid as to think their texting and calls from a cellphone won't be found out?
If you rule out enormous stupidity, that only leaves his wanting to get caught, even if only subconsciously.

Or at least that individual knows the consequences yet does it anyway, hence, it is deliberate breech of your trust.

If I want someone or have someone in my life, I want ALL. It's all or nothing deal, because I also give my all. That's just me.

[Texasred]

Here's something to consider: Can anyone be so stupid as to think their texting and calls from a cellphone won't be found out?
If you rule out enormous stupidity, that only leaves his wanting to get caught, even if only subconsciously.

[admmck81]

Ask to see the texts, or have a conversation with her right in front of you. If he always responds in private or leaves the room when on the phone with her he's hiding something. Just because nothing physically happens doesn't mean he's not being unfaithful. He needs to prove nothing is going on. If nothing is, he won't hesitate.

[manspoint]

NTSuperTeacher....sorry but yes it is cheating. He has desires to communicate flirtatiously with another female and although there is no physical contact, the thought is there. He is lusting.
Now there are two solutions....he admits his lust and ceases the contact totally, or it continues and who knows where it ends.
Been there and done that. Of course he will deny his true feelings. Is he just going to say "Sorry Honey, I'd rather be with her"?

[BostonMom]

my husband says the same thing, he did not "physically" cheat on me, but he may as well have the pain and heartache is so bad, I cant believe it......this texting and calling unbeknown to me was going on for the last 2 years, throughout our engagement, our wedding, my pregnancies...Im so sick......I know how you feel....