[Tyt - o]

i accidentally stumbled into my husby's mails and there seemed to be one specific mail that grabbed my attention. i swear i was not intentionally snooping. He had been flirting with this lady and according to the conversations, he wanted them to meet this weekend... the same weekend he was supposed to go watch a soccer game with the guys in another town. i confronted him and he is sorry according to him but i can't bring myself to trust him anymore. i feel so betrayed because even if it did not happen, what if i hadn't caught him... would he have gone that far? am i over reacting.... some might feel i am because he actually did not do anything but because he claimed to the woman that she was his and called her names he calls me on the messages.. and to top it off, just a week ago we were on a holiday and everything seemed great! i am ignorant? very confused! by the way he just forgot to mention that he was married with children!

[WildChild]

You will never know what he might have done but he was certainly headed there.
You might give the woman a heads up and let her know that he is very married. In all probability she has no idea. Be pleasant, don't create any idea that you are a nasty so and so.

You need to figure what led to this? How is your sex life? Your communication? Do you have things you do together? Things you each enjoys with friends?

[rcoreyus]

You can't know, and even he can't know what he would have done. If you think you can trust him again, and if you love him, then stay. If you don't think you can trust him, then there is no point staying together.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Is catching him out about to cheat, the same as cheating?

Lies about the boys weekend
Lies about being married
Lies about children

It's emotional cheating isn't it? He pre-planned, prepared, but alas, got caught before it occured, but all the while, went on an emotional journey of an affair.

I would wonder if I am safe and I'd go to the Doctors for tests, make him do the same, he'd say but I didn't do anything and I'd say well doesn't mean you didn't before, or haven't seen her before, I have a right to be safe.

Then, I'd say, you need to evaluate if you want freedom or your wife and children...I'd make him go stay with family or a friend for a couple of weeks and work it out...

And, then I sit down with him if he chose me and I'd pose the question, so what was missing in our relationship that we need to work on so that your happy, and still in love with me, your wife..

Because, something was missing for him to go to that level...of emotionally cheating....to start with.

CW

[Guest]

A man's perspective....

YES !!

To me, it's as much about INTENT to deceive as it is about the actual deception.... "I didn't rob the bank, just drove the getaway car".

He had thought about it, thought it through in his mind, planned for it to happen and got caught before it happened....what is good about any of that?

Trust will be tough to rebuild and take a looooong time to do (IMO).

Call me weird but since when do we have "his mail" or "my mail" when you are married? Isn't it just "the mail"? Do you keep a lot of things seperate? Bank accounts? Money in general? Split the bills? Retirement?

[oxy-moron]

Hi
it is cheating of sorts anyway in that he is trying to escape the day to day intimacy of your relationship.

But all it really means in Mammalian terms is that the both of you have let the Oxytocin in your relationship slip to a low level.
Google the following.

Love You From the Bottom of My Brain: The Neurobiology Behind Love -Miranda White
You can read in a page how the the cuddle hormone "Oxytocin" regulates relationships.
This is one of many articles out there


Oxytocin regulates loyalty in families, couples and groups. If he sees you as the one who is providing his feel good Oxytocin he will remain loyal- If you get the levels high enough he will be fiercely loyal.


There is also a Youtube video from a researcher into Oxytocin who says that the feeling of love is the mixture of Oxytocin and Dopamine. If they take either of these out of the equation there is no feeling of love. The presentation is by Doctor Larry Young.
There are a lot of researchers out there with their own special interest but very few that put the whole picture together- scientist would like to see a pill made to boost Oxytocin- who knows what effect that will have on the population.

The good news is that Oxytocin/Vasopresin can be manipulated through touch and behaviour. You need to be careful of the Coolidge effect though. This is what causes erosion in relationships- ever wonder why you are still good friends with people you have known for years but not with old lovers - how you slept with a good friend and how it destroyed the friendship. This is because all mammals have an inbuilt mechanism to make them loose interest in their partner after sex. This can have an effect lasting form days to weeks and is well tested in many animal populations.
This is intended to promote genetic diversity but also weakens bonds. You can bet that if he did meet this woman he was emailing that he would have entered the motel room thinking she was hot and left thinking she was a sc**k. This would be the Coolidge effect. It has a stronger impact on males.

Oxytocon is the master key.
Gentle massage will boost it,casual touch and sex will boost it.
I have done testing in my own relationship and now believe you can treat Oxytocin like a bank account. For every Orgasm you have with your partner there should be at least an hour of Oxytocin boosting behaviour. Preferably spread out over days.
As an extra reward scientists have also determined that Oxytocin provides Health benefits by relieving stress. It promotes longevity( possibly so that the caregiver lives longer)

You may feel that you should isolate him to make him pay but that will send him to ground and he will be back trying to cheat in six months once he feels that the heat is off.
Learn how to manipulate Oxytocin and all your relationships will benefit.

[Crystalblue]

Very interesting oxy. I'll have to do my own research . I'm trying to work on getting closer with my husband after he had an emotional affair. I've been reading through the posts about them to find ways to help work through it. Tyt-o, the not knowing is tough to say the least. It's hard to know which is truth & lies after trust has been broken. If you love each other & he's willing to work things out, take full advantage. It's hard to figure out what you will need from him, but start with basic boundaries. Ask him to do things for you that would be easy for him to do. It's a good way to start small & slowly build back trust

[Hopeless Dork]

Would your husband have went through with it? Who knows. Maybe he doesn't even know. But since he didn't actually do it, doesn't mean he is off the hook -- it means you guys have work to do on your relationship to find out what it is that drove him to that point... him being honest is crucial to you understanding why he went as far as he did -- so that you can decide if you think its possible for it to happen again. If he admits to it being something sexual -- you guys can talk about ways you can work on YOUR sexual relationship together, if it was for the attention, again... you guys can try to fix all that ails . But if it was just him being selfish and wanting his cake and eat it-- then... its more risky for him hurting you again.

[spurzzz]

How do you know he hasen't already cheated with other women? If he is capable of that then who knows? If you didn't catch him then yea I would like to think he probably would have gone through with it...........but then you know your husband better then we do so that judgement lies only with you!

Its important not to blame yourself for his stupid irresponsible actions. Yes, it could have been because of certain relationship troubles but that does not excuse his actions. They were wrong and totally out of line - not your fault! Make sure he knows what he has done and that he is sorry, not just with his words but his actions to! and just as importantly don't be a pushover.....make sure you highlight what will happen you catch him doing anything like this again and be prepared to back-up your words........

If you can build that trust up again then work on any area of your relationship that you think needs fulfillment.