[themagster]

Hello!

I'm new here and I was just looking for some advice. I am recently married, 9 months, and I have a hard time talking to my husband sometimes. I think it may be because he keeps in contact with some of his ex's and I am uncomfortable with that.

Our story is a little unusual. We met 2 years ago from an online dating site. We went out a few times but he told me he didn't want a relationship. I was upset and I gave him the cold shoulder after that. He explained that he was leaving for boot camp with the Navy in September so he didn't want to get too attached. I let him off the hook for that and then continued seeing him. We weren't anything. We just hung out occasionally. We never had sex and I knew that he was probably seeing other people at the same time. I was also talking to other people but none of them compared to him.

In September he left and I continued on with life. Going on an occasional date here and there. I then got into a relationship with another person in December who lived 500 miles away. A few months later he moved in with me. In December, the Navy guy was home for leave over Christmas and we went to dinner and had a nice evening. I texted him later and he told me he liked me but he didn't want to do long distance and he didn't want me to not enjoy other people, which obviously meant he wanted to enjoy other people as well.

So I continued my relationship with the man I lived with. Then May of last year the Navy guy was back in my life asking me hypothetical questions about marriage and honeymoons and the next thing I know he's asking me to marry him. I really loved him, more than the person I was living with, more than anyone I had met. So I said yes.

He is a great guy but I think it's hard for me because we never had the exclusiveness when we were just seeing each other. I worry that he talks to other girls from his past. That the lines that should be clear from marriage are blurred because of how our relationship was before we were married.

Also I am terrible at telling people how I feel. I'm worried the things I say won't be the things I mean to say or they might make him want to leave. We rarely have sex, and I know that the Navy is stressful and he works 12 hour days 5 days a week, but I just feel like once a week isn't enough.

And now I am rambling. I guess I am just looking for general marriage advice. How to communicate effectively. Any input would be appreciated! Thanks!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

There's kind of a bit of romance there, like a novel

You went out on a date with him, whilst living with someone else, to me, that's why you worry about him and ex's, because you've done it first hand.

It's obvious that you really liked this guy from get go...and I think he just put the card up, warding due to being in the Navy, stories he has heard of cheating etc as to why he gave you the cold shoulder, however, he remained always in touch...

I am a believer of past is past...

I would imagine that a 12 hr day, 5 days a week equals sleep, rest, but that doesn't mean you can not instigate, and it doesn't mean that you can not be intimate sexually and touch him, giving oral as well without anything back. I say the later because there is no energy required from his side, but it keeps the spices going, and it keeps him mentally sexual and consequently "use it or lose it" can go more out the door.

It would be difficult to basically fall for someone and not be able to have that person, to be more like friends and one day he asks you to marry him, and you don't really know him and you are living with him..

So, take this time to get to know him and enjoy your marriage, it's not all about sex, what about discussions on anything, hobbies, life, animals, family, laughter.....what is his favourite colour, car, yours, etc....

Don't view the once a week as he is not in love with you unless he shows those signs...

Start entering your present and enjoy it...

What do you do every day, 5 days a week if he is working 12hrs? Maybe also you aren't enjoying your life, time, and need him when he is home and feel un-loved because initmacy comes at the end of the week and only once....

Change it...

CW

[Hopeless Dork]

I have been with my boyfriend for a few years now and I am the happiest I've ever been in a relationship... and the thing I think that has made all the difference in the world was letting my guard down and being myself. For so long the guys I was with never really got to know who I was, what my thoughts were, what I was feeling... I was too afraid of sounding stupid, too afraid of sounding insecure, too afraid of this or that, or thinking something would be embarassing etc... I realized that is no way to live, and NO way to have a strong, intimate relationship.

You need to be yourself, quit filtering so much and when you think something say it... let it leave your mouth and take life. No one wants to be with a robot anyway... some woman that just shakes her head and nods a lot.. this is your husband, if you can't be yourself with your partner in life -- the one you are to share it all with... then how lonely is that?

Baby steps, start opening up more. If you miss him, tell him so... if you can't say the words... write them in a text or email and slowly but surely your confidence will build to saying them outloud. If you want more 'close' time... talk about it... tell him you want to feel him inside of you, talk about how good he makes you feel. If you aren't saying anything, perhaps he isn't even sure you want more than once a week.

If he's a healthy young man, even with stress... he will have a biological desire to 'release' more than once a week... so inniciate... spice things up a little...

And most importantly COMMUNICATE your feelings about his dealings with his exes or other women... not in a jealous, accusing way... but in a.. sometimes I worry about _________ whatever it is you are fearing and give him the opportunity to reassure you and let you know what the reality is VS your perception of it.

[WildChild]

You aren't clear as to how the lines are blurred but consider that you both had plenty of opportunity to be with other people and to be certain that together is where you want to be. Out of whatever women he saw, out of seeing and living with someone else, you chose each other. That should make you more secure. Talk to him, how can you plan to spend a lifetime together if you can't talk?

[stressed]

Hello,

A couple of points:

You lived with a man you were not in love with/didn't love for several months. During this time you still kept contact with your, now, husband. In that sense, I don't see why you should be overly-worried about exclusiveness when you were actually living with a man for months before you married (i.e. you were doing the same). Maybe you have the worries you have about his ex'es because you did in the past what you're afraid he might do to you in the future.

With this reasoning he can also be worried that you'll leave because you left your ex as soon as he proposed to you. He can also think "what if another man seduces her and she leaves me?". But that's not the way to go, you are married now.

What is the problem exactly? Your sex life, his contact with ex'es, his job?