[torn2pieces]

Is that how I come off? Then shame on me cause he is not a bad guy. I will tell you one thing. Every man I have been with has cheated, I grew up around my "ganster" cousins and WOW they cheated all the time, I was like 13 years old covering up for them, hanging out with their many different girlfriends and wives.

Something new came up and I need advice, I called his newest job (he works 2) and a lady named Sharon answered, which is the name from the voicemail. He is not at work (it is a hotel) I am thinking of going down there on my lunch break (which will keep me in teh office longer tonight or some night this week), just to see her, not to make a scene. I will go in there and hopefully whoever answers the phone will be at teh front desk, the hotel is a spa also, so I will go in and ask about the services. Cause I want to know who and what she is. What's the pros and cons of this?

[torn2pieces]

I did it. I went down there and acted like I was interested in the spa. It was quick but I seen her and unless it's all a coincidence, I know it is her. It filled in some pieces but I don't know if it made things worse or better for the way I feel. Last week he and I had a little, very little arguement or even just frustration with each other on the phone when he was there at work. She works at the front desk and him in the kitchen, so I wonder if he walked in and started chatting with her and it went from there. I don't know. Well my opinion on her is she has nothing at all on me, except bigger , and I am not small and he always says mine are the perfect size. I will admit if a chick is pretty but she isn't and she had her hair in a crappy high ponytail that I wore in 7th grade, but that makes nothing better. I don't know if I want her to be prettier than me or not. But WHY WHY is all I can think/ask.

[WildChild]

You have a found a button and are creating a vest or even a coat to pin it on.
Perhaps it would be best if you moved on and gave yourself some time to become more self accepting and loving?

Think about what you have said. "I will tell you one thing. Every man I have been with has cheated, I grew up around my "ganster" cousins and WOW they cheated all the time". You have a mold you seem determined that every man will fit it. And they will or you will create it.

Also think about this: "he has never done anything to make me feel he is going to cheat."
" I look through his stuff randomly and haven't found anything incriminating up to this point,"
"We were having sex and he said so passionatly "this is yours, I am ALL yours""

It is not unusual for people to have the phone number of other people they work with.

Even the very best of people if they feel that they have been condemed without being guilty, may finally decide what the heck, might as well do it.

"Well my opinion on her is she has nothing at all on me, except bigger , and I am not small and he always says mine are the perfect size. I will admit if a chick is pretty but she isn't and she had her hair in a crappy high ponytail that I wore in 7th grade, but that makes nothing better. I don't know if I want her to be prettier than me or not. But WHY WHY is all I can think/ask"

Do you think he is so shallow that this is what matters?
IF he is that shallow why would you want to be with him?
My guess that what he is drawn to has Nothing to do with ponytails or looks.

[Guest]

You want my "clear take" on my first reply and your recent actions? They are as follows:

My SO has trust issues, having been cheated on in past relationships and a family history of deceit, she has trouble trusting anyone..including me. I know this about her and still I CHOOSE to love her with all that I am...period! In an effort to help her work through her trust issues, along with the help of a professional who specializes in this area, she has unlimited access to my cell phone, my e-mails, my FB page and the answering machine on my home telephone. I do not have a Twitter page, I am not LinkedIn. So in other words she has access to everything I use and is free to check it any time.

It's a SMALL price to pay to help her work through her issues with trust. I am also quite traditional, quite conservative and still believe in "for richer or for poorer, in sickness and in health, til death do us part" We are not married at the present time.

I plan on marrying my SO one day and I don't have any intentions of hiding anything from her then, so why should I hide anything from her now?

I DO NOT have access to her cell phone, her e-mail, her FB page or anything else that she may have that I may not even know about. I trust her 100% and have no reason not to.


As for you visiting his/her place of employment, IMO, that crossed the line BIG TIME. Stay away from his/her place of employment unless you have a legitimate reason for being there. You are doing nothing but asking for trouble IMO by doing what you did.

[torn2pieces]

In respone to : Do you think he is so shallow that this is what matters?
IF he is that shallow why would you want to be with him?
My guess that what he is drawn to has Nothing to do with ponytails or looks.[/I] [/I]

I would think look matters, so why looks shouldn't be everything, isn't that a reason for cheating. So what is your guess as to why he is drawn to her? Please tell me what your opinion is, I really need it. He and I have been doing fine, I haven't been outwardly accusing him of cheating, so what and why?

[Mes T]

I've tried to post before but my internet has been screwy.

Look I think you have some major issues and need to see a counselor before you completely ruin this relationship and any potential future happiness you may have.

Second, the truth always comes out. Always. He's gonna find out some day that you've continued to snoop. The good news is that I firmly believe nothing bad will happen from him finding out other than a small verbal fight. You can face that, can't you?

You need to have this heart-to-heart conversation with him if you want to remain in this relationship and also remain as a sane human being. Period.

[torn2pieces]

You need to have this heart-to-heart conversation with him if you want to remain in this relationship and also remain as a sane human being. Period.[/QUOTE]

Thank you. When you say heart to heart conversation. About what exactly? Tell him what I found?

[Mes T]

Dangit! Why is my internet so uggghhsdfjkhsdjf, just tried to post and it failed again grrrrr.

Explain to him where your trust issues stem from, then that you couldn't help but snoop, and tell him the message that you found and ask for an explanation. Be non-threatening - make the conversation about you and your past struggles with trust, NOT about him and what he could possibly be doing wrong etc etc. Make it about him helping YOU to overcome your issues. Trust me, that'll increase the chance of him actually listening and helping out rather than focusing on the fact that you snooped.

DON'T mention you calling the number and you going to his work or whatever to see the woman. Those actions are quite extreme and IMO should be left out of the conversation for now, otherwise it'll give him more ammunition to just sit there and blame you, which we don't want.

You will feel SO much better and more confident after this conversation, just go for it.

[torn2pieces]

Thanks Mes_T, but with no disrespect my first thought is "ya right". But only because we have had that coversation atleast 4 times, if not more. This has been going on for 4 years in our relationship. The snooping/mistrust/arguing over female friends/associates has not happend in the last year.

[WildChild]

In respone to : Do you think he is so shallow that this is what matters?
IF he is that shallow why would you want to be with him?
My guess that what he is drawn to has Nothing to do with ponytails or looks.[/I] [/I]

I would think look matters, so why looks shouldn't be everything, isn't that a reason for cheating. So what is your guess as to why he is drawn to her? Please tell me what your opinion is, I really need it. He and I have been doing fine, I haven't been outwardly accusing him of cheating, so what and why?

I was referring to his attraction to you as well as to any other woman. Initial attraction for both genders may start with looks but what holds the attraction is deeper than that.
You really have no reason to believe he is cheating, you have said so repeatedly. However Your continued distrust will probably destroy your relationship if you can not get past it.