[CHANDLERS WISH]

Honey,

Teach yourself it doesn't matter because YOU ARE beautiful and if he decides to wander, was he worth you being with?

Seriously?

I believe you still give your all because you are you and worth it.

If that's dissed you hold your head high in the knowing that YOU ARE WORTH IT...

And you move on and find someone that says OMG SHE'S WORTH IT.

CW

[torn2pieces]

Thanks CW, "if he decides to wonder" I sit back and get played until it all comes out clear as day and I can walk away knowing it was the right thing to do. well his phone was in our bed last night and I looked and I seen he calls her in the morning atleast the last two days he has. So I will just sit back and wait for it to come "to light". I have been on a lot of sites about dealing with a cheater, how to catch a cheater and the signs of a cheater. I really took in one's advice on this post as to not being blind sided will not make it hurt worse and I always believed in "everything comes to light" but after reading up on cheating I feel differently. Oprah did a segment on cheating with a doctor who ran a big survey and %55 of the men had cheated and got away with it and their wives never knew and still didn't . Not so sure if I will find out if I don't continue to snoop. So my mind is RACING, I'm depressed, crying, but still loving him, hiding it from him and he is loving towards me. On another note being that I am looking so deep into information about cheating, I keep reading "before you begin your investigation, be sure you want to know" - that scares me cause I need to know, everything in me needs to know but I am scared. Scared of it breaking up our home. I had my daughter before him, but he is now her father in fullforce. I'm scared of taking that from her. She was 4 when we met and she always wanted a Dad/Sibling/Family and we have given her that. So I wonder even if I know, maybe I will stay for her sake. Yes I will deal with the hurt and pain so that she doesn't have to. I know the mother/parent needs to be happy to make the kids happy, but I also know my weaknesses and strengths and I can do this for the sake of my little girl. I know I talk as if I have hard evidence and it's time to leave, it's not that but yes I have prepared myself. He is calling her still, and I don't know about text messaging cause his phone can easily delete text, but in order to delete phone calls your have to delete the whole call history, which he has a few times. What I am saying is things don't look good, they feel good with him, but he is calling her.

[Mes T]

Hon... You staying with someone who is "possibly" cheating on you, who is "definitely" making you miserable... Is that setting a good example for your daughter? Would you want your daughter to grow up and be in the same situation down the line, miserable but staying with a man who doesn't deserve her?

[torn2pieces]

Hon...
who is "possibly" cheating on you

no longer possibly, I seen in his phone through his google account, just 30 minutes ago he texted her Good Night Baby and she responded Good Night Babe Missing You, and this went on as I was on the couch in the same room as him, and then he fell asleep in the chair. I NOW need advice on how to approach, do I wait for more, do I wait to catch him without saying I snooped. At this point I will probably call my cousin who is my bestfriend and has good advice and talk about it with her and get some advice. I have no doubt that he will get very upset and try to make the snooping thing a HUGE issue, so do I just stand my ground and not let him make me feel bad about that (I know it's bad). I am doing good at not waking him out of his sleep and showing him the message and asking WTF, I am trying to keep my composure. So please tell me your advice in the best way to proceed?

[mymirrose]

I think you have enough, it doesn't matter how you found out. IMO, it sounds like he is already planning to do something, you have the controll, you make him leave. Let him earn the honor of having you love him.

[torn2pieces]

ANY advice on how to approach. I have to talk to him tomorrow night. He has sensed something is wrong because I am really hurting, the kind of hurt that shows, anyone close to me for an hour can tell I am down and out. After I read the text last night, he woke up and we had sex and I cried during sex (never done that before), he didn't know I was crying, it was dark. But at one moment as I was on top he stopped me and said in a concerning way "Baby what's wrong, you don't seem here", I just kept going and cried. Oddly this makes me want to love him and keep him, it's like I know I am loosing him, so I call him this morning to hear his voice and tell him I love him. He is asking again "What's wrong" as I tear up just talking to him. He says "I've been asking you", so I feel I should tell him. Knowing him he will find someway to be upset at me or blame me for hiding something from him/or lying because I kept saying nothing when he asked. He supposedly works tonight so I told him tomorrow night, which is Friday we would talk. Friday night is better, I don't have to go to work in the morning and my daughter don't have to go to school. I get paid, just in case I have to take some measures, idk. OK - Do I start with asking him and giving him the chance to confess, and straight out ask "Are you cheating". Do I say "Who's Sharon" - Do I say "I know you are cheating" and then state my case. I also have to prepare myself for all the reverse psychology he will put on me, he is going to tell me about all the bad things I do or have done. Or he may act so nonchalant about it, which will kill me worse. He has done it before - he acts like so, or he will get mad and walk out of the room mad and I stupidly run after him asking why don't he have anything to say, why don't he care. I will probably have the kids at my moms (hopefully). I can get irrate and extremly emotional when it comes to us and our problems so ANY advice on how to stand strong, mature, keep my composure, do not freak out and know my plan.

[mymirrose]

You don't have to lay all your cards on the table, or even answer any questions he asks. Tell him you found something out about him & her, tell him if he is ready to tell you the truth,ok, if not, tell him to come to you when he is. Don't explain anything, he doesn't deserve it. Give him a moment to answer, then tell him to come talk to you when he decides to be honest. Just be prepared if he is honest.

[torn2pieces]

You don't have to lay all your cards on the table, or even answer any questions he asks. Tell him you found something out about him & her, tell him if he is ready to tell you the truth,ok, if not, tell him to come to you when he is. Don't explain anything, he doesn't deserve it. Give him a moment to answer, then tell him to come talk to you when he decides to be honest. Just be prepared if he is honest.

Ok, but the problem with that is I will have to keep living with him, he will keep seeing her and maybe even more at that point (cause somehow he is going to turn this around and be mad at me I have NO doubt about that). So now he will be mad at me and still seeing her, and probably get deeper feelings for her, all why I am the woman at home. At this point atleast I still have his love, kisses and sex that my keep him loving me, make him feel worse, hopefully overshawdowing her affection. But just laying some out and going on about our normal life, may be beyond what I can do.

[WildChild]

Look at this another way.
You are working to support a family, your partner has a child from a previous relationship, whom you've taken into your heart.
Your partner is insecure constantly searching to get "something on you".
No matter how affectionate, caring or loving you are, no matter what you say or do, they keep searching.
You are Always under suspicion.
At work, people are willing to talk, be a little playful, maybe sympathetic.
How long would it be before you were feeling drawn to the person who doesn't treat you like you are cheating heel?
You been looking and looking for this, digging, searching - for how long now?
Where attention goes energy flows.

[torn2pieces]

How long would it be before you were feeling drawn to the person who doesn't treat you like you are cheating heel?
.

I have not been treating him like a cheater at all at all for a while now. As I may have mentioned he went to Chicago a few months ago, and thanked me for trusting him. He asked my why the change in trusting him, so he has felt trusted. Honestly, do you feel it is somewhat my fault? I caused this, I am to blame? WildChild does that make it okay? Do I still stay around. Maybe a year ago I would take that more to heart, but as I said I have not been untrustworthy with him, he goes out, he does things, and I don't question him, I don't constantly call him when he is out.