[alwaysworried]

My fiance is horribly jealous. He has no reason to be, I have been very honest, faithful, and true. Whenever I get a text message he immediately asks me who it is and when they are saying, if it is one of my guys friends he says "O they want to screw you". He is constantly wanting attention, I enjoy my free time and doing the things that I enjoy, but if it is something that involves other people, he doesn't like me doing it, well even things I do by myself he doesn't seem to like. If I try to read a book, he says "are you going to ignore me all night long to read that book" He hates that I get on facebook, he even seems to get a little annoyed when I talk to my mom more than once a day. He goes through my text and my facebook and has never found anything bad so I don't understand why he doesn't trust me. Any suggestions on how we can fix this problem?

[Mes T]

Oof, that sounds to me like it's going beyond mistrust and bordering on controlling.

Might be helpful to find out the root of this issue - did he have a bad experience with an ex, did someone hurt him, what kind of environment did he grow up in... Have you talked about any of these things?

[jns]

My fiance is horribly jealous. He has no reason to be, I have been very honest, faithful, and true. Whenever I get a text message he immediately asks me who it is and when they are saying, if it is one of my guys friends he says "O they want to screw you". He is constantly wanting attention, I enjoy my free time and doing the things that I enjoy, but if it is something that involves other people, he doesn't like me doing it, well even things I do by myself he doesn't seem to like. If I try to read a book, he says "are you going to ignore me all night long to read that book" He hates that I get on facebook, he even seems to get a little annoyed when I talk to my mom more than once a day. He goes through my text and my facebook and has never found anything bad so I don't understand why he doesn't trust me. Any suggestions on how we can fix this problem?

I think trust issues and jealousy are going to be constant issues if you get married. Are you willing to put up with them in the long run? What if he gets worse and gets physical with you if you have any contact with guys, will that be OK? Alternately, are you willing to cut yourself off from the world so he wont get jealous? Will you continue to feel sexy around him after he accuses you of having an affair with someone? Guys usually don't change.

[WildChild]

I don't know about fixing this but you can make a change.
Find someone who is more emotionally mature, less controlling and who will enjoy and encourage you to be healthily social.

Being isolated leads to emotional stress and physical illness. The first steps to abuse are control and isolation.

[Guest]

Sounds like a lack of maturity to me too. Maturity and insecurity.

It's the BEST it's EVER going to get right now. Is that the way you want it to be for the rest of your life?

If not, you've got some serious thinking to do and the right decision to make.

Men don't change...keep that in mind.

[Hopeless Dork]

Have to agree with WC -- controlling a woman into isolation (alienating her friend friends and family) is something abusive men tend to lead with... it is usually the textbook gateway.

How's his temper? Does he ever raise his voice? Has he ever said horrible things in haste then appologised later? Does he have a hair trigger in going from normal to ticked off? Does he ever blame YOU for why he's upset, even when it isn't your fault? Are his appologies actually back-handed blames? Example... 'I'm sorry I got so mad at you... if only you didnt do this particular thing to upset me... it wouldn't have happened'.

Its possible he's just insecure and wouldn't hurt a fly... but keep your eyes open for any other red flags that he may become abusive.

If he was just mad about your guy friends that would be one thing... but being upset that you speak to your own mother, that is something to be concerned about.

[virgo man]

Its very telling that your screen name is ‘alwaysworried’. Our choices often reflect our subconscious feelings (and truths) and your screen name speaks volumes.

As I see it your heart already knows that this is a bad situation you’re about to enter into. I suggest that you cancel the engagement and not marry him.

When you meet the right man you’ll have no doubts about him. You won’t be posting to a website asking perfect strangers for an opinion about your finance. Instead, you’ll just know that he’s the one you’ll spend the rest of your life with.

And I’ll bet that your screen name won’t be ‘alwaysworried’ then.

Take care and be smart about this,
Virgo

[oxy-moron]

Hi
It sounds like he is insecure.
How much facebook time do you do- are you talking to friends and family who are far away. Or are you facebooking your close friends continuously?
I worry about my children facebooking their lives away- It is a bad as World of Warcraft.
Maybe he is worried that when you do marry there will be no couple time.

[WildChild]

Oxy does bring up a good point I know someone who's marriage was in part destroyed by his wife's devotion to some FB thing to do with a farm (?) I get the idea that its kind of like SIMCity I don't really know.
How about a two week break from FB for both of you and see how that goes?

[spurzzz]

Not a good sign is it? Don't be discouraged when people say men do not change, as some do. But it takes a lot of work and understanding....a lot of work!

Is he prepared to do that? Are you scared of him? If not, have a good chat with your Fiance and talk about how his behaviour is having a detrimental effect on the relationship........and as you do that, look for clues as to whether or not he understands trully what you are saying and will work on changing...

But we have only heard your side of the story. Maybe your behaviour is causing unnecessary concerns? How would you feel if your Fiance was constantly on Facebook and talking to females all the time? Once we are in a relationship there is a limit to how much we can do something, is there not? Having too much of an open relationship has its benefits and drawbacks. What culture is your Fiance from? Remember that people have been nurtured differently according to their surroundings - maybe his moral beliefs on women and how they should behave are different to that of the 21st Century.

I am sorry but if your Fiance does not acknowledge his behaviour then he will not change and will continue this assault of controlling behaviour. You can try hard to convince him, maybe go and see a councillor or something, however if he doesnt seem to change and believe you and your love? Then that is not the reason you got engaged in the first place.........

But remember, you have to work as hard as him and look at your own behaviour. Are you expecting too much?

Best of luck!