[LisaT]

My husband and I were friends for 2 years before we started dating and then we dated about 1.5 years before getting married. He lost his job about a year ago and has yet to find a new one. We are both 28, and have been married 4 months.

He is a very sweet man and thoughtful and at first when he was laid off he would clean the house and take care of errands ect. Now he does it about once a week.

He also has been letting himself go a little by not showering frequently. About three times a week instead of daily like before...

I tried encouraging him and helping him fill out applications. We did practice interviews and things seem to be hopeful...

When we got married he was doing pretty good staying positive but now that we are married it's like he thinks he has the weight of the world is on him. But I make enough to support us.

We also barely have sex... And I've talked with him about and he said he feels so bad because he can't provide for us and now he feels like be can even provide that part of our relationship. We do cuddle and he kisses me often and tells me he loves me... His sex drive is just super low.

I don't know what I can do to help. I don't nag or get at him for not cleaning I do ask him to do the cleaning with me if he hasn't done anything for the day.

I'm worried that he will be like this for a long time. It may sound mean but I am feeling really stressed out about it and while I knew he was unemployed when we married I also know he use to have a very good job and that he does have the ability to get work if he tried harder.


Anyone else in a similar situation? What can I do? Should I ask him to see a therapist? Does he need medication? ??

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Depression is real...

Sounds as if he feels in-adequate and consequently depressed...If he feels in-adequate as "the man" that goes into the bedroom as well.

If you believe in him, that he can get a job and a good one, keep telling him that, keep making him visualise that dream,that job, the job and be right next to him as you are...

Does he have a good resume?

Look together in the papers, is there an employment place he can put his name down to that search for good employees? Work on it together and basically just tell him he will get a job and to stop moping about it, you believe in him and to prove it, you are going to help him send as many resumes out as needed every week....

[Mes T]

My boyfriend had a really tough time finding a job when we moved to his home country of New Zealand. So I can understand that it is TOUGH out there at the moment, in every country, seems like.

I would highly, HIGHLY recommend him applying to a temp agency. I would never have considered doing so myself (as being a "temp" is often not as highly regarded as having a "permanent" position). However, when I moved to New Zealand I applied with a temp agency and got a job within two weeks. That job was too easy and quite dull (simple data-entry), BUT, it paid the bills. It was a foot in the door.

Within a few weeks of working a boring ol' job (but being positive about it), I got "promoted" and am now doing some real interesting work with the same company and am sure I would have been made "permanent" if I could tell my boss for sure how much longer I'll remain in the country.

Point is: A temp job is a GREAT way to get your "foot in the door." Start work SOMEWHERE, make a good impression on your boss and co-workers, and you're set.

My boyfriend was not interested in this idea, which is a shame, because I'm sure he could have avoided that long unemployment.

[Guest]

Those who are out of a job, should spend the equivalent of full time looking for a job...like 40 hours a week. I know it sounds tough and even hard to imagine but in this economy, in the U.S., that's about the only way he will find employment.

It's not just because our economy is in the tank but also because so many others are out there, day in ad day out, looking for employment that makes it that much more difficult. He needs to do what others are not willing to do, spend 40 hours per week looking, or what those that are now employed did do...spent 40 hours a week looking.

Men, whether real or perceived, equate the quality of the man we are by the employment that we have. The ability to "kill something and drag it home" ie. earn an income, is a BIG part of who we are. When that goes away, a BIG chunk of "us" goes with it...self esteem, self worth, etc.

Other than suporting and encouraging him, I don't know that I would suggest doing much else. Definitely suggest that he get up every morning and attack each day, which includes showering, eating good nutritious meals, getting dressed and getting out there.

A temp agency is a good idea, so is spending time, like an hour or two EVERYDAY on the internet, so is banging on a few doors, networking at your church.

The more people that know he's out of work the better...that will also be hard on his ego and pride but it might lead to employment.

[Mes T]

I agree with Seeker completely, whatever method he chooses, he needs to spend 40 hours a week ACTIVELY seeking work.

Unless you're happy to financially support him for the rest of your lives together (which is okay for some couples, depending on the circumstances)... then he's gotta get off his bum and start doing this. Problem is motivation... maybe someone else will have advice on that?? Seems like by now he's gotten pretty used to not doing much, lessened up on chores because he sees you're okay with it, lessened up on finding work because he knows he'll have someone support him ANYway...

[oxy-moron]

If you are in work you could get him to look at starting a small franchise. There will probably be something in the area that suits.

[LisaT]

Thanks ladies for the advice.


I talked with him about job hunting to see how it was doing and have been asking about it more often through out the day. He seems to be more engaged today in job hunting then before. I try to be very careful about it and how I say things to him because he is pretty sensitive at times about the whole thing.


I am grateful for all your point of views. Do you think the bedroom will improve once he gets a job or ? What are somethings I could be doing ?

[Mes T]

Oh yes, I'm positive that it'll improve once he's found a job and can start feeling better about himself. My boyfriend was the same. Even when he DID have a job, he still had some financial issues, and that had an affect in the bedroom.

[Hopeless Dork]

I know I'm going to come across like the masturbation police bringing this up again -- lol.. but -- if he is home ALL DAY, by himself, not working... chances are he's bored. Guys tend to kill boredom in a few different ways -- Video games, movies, tv, and... masturbation -- if he is 'handeling his business' throughout the day -- when you get home from work he may be already spent, and since he feels inadequate right now with the job thing he probably thinks he's doing you some sort of favor not being intimate with you.

Just because he's feeling down... doesn't mean the sex has to be out til he gets a job -- its a great mood enhancer How open is your communication on sex in general? Would you feel comfortable asking him if he could save up his energy for you.. at least.. most of the time?

[LisaT]

We are very open about sex. I Actually waited to have sex before we married. I know shocking but it's something we both felt was important, more focus on buildin a friendship and relationship and then sex. We did other things together before getting married just not actual sex.

Anyways I have talked to him about masturbation and I have asked him not to do it alone or if he does somehow let me know so I know if he isn't up to sex ect. Usually he tells me and this may or may not turn him on and we might have sex as a result of him telling me about his fantasy he had about me.

I guess it's just I have a pretty high sex drive and I am a little frustrated I had this idea that once we did have sex it would be often. It's about once a week maybe less. Which isn't what it was like the first month of marriage....

At first I had thought it was me and I had to bring it up and we talked about it all and how he was feeling regarding not having a job.

Sigh I wish he would try a temp agency but right now he gets some unemployment and is worried if he did temp it would not work into a long term job. I understand that but being home alone all day isn't good for him.

We are both pretty new to the area we live too and his family is in another state, I just have my mom in town. So I'm not sure about the networking as far job hunting goes. I told him he should do some "under the table" work but he doesn't seem interested in that.

I love him and I know he loves me. I also understand it's hard to remain motivated when job hunting especially now with this current economy.

I guess waiting it out and poking and prodding a bit more are my options