[my3sons]

First off, I'll start by saying Thank You to the creators of this site!! I've read numerous posts this evening, and I will say I'm impressed with most (not all). I think some people are rather harsh.
Alright, here we go.
*I'm almost 40, married 20 years. We have 3 sons; one is an adult in the Air Force, we have a freshman in HS and a 7th grader.
*I have endured a lot of mental abuse for a greater part of the marriage.
*I have endured a bit of pushing and kicking for about the past 4 years
*I recently have been punched in the back of the head and stripped of all my clothing and bedding, including pillows and sheets

Now here's my family's history....
My husband and I are high school sweethearts. We actually met in kindergarten and went to school together for the next 13 years. We have shared so many good times, I wish everyone could have good times like that. Unfortunately, life isn't all football games and Proms, nor is it all rainbows and lollipops.
In the last 4 years, my husband has went through a severe transformation. He lost 3 jobs, and has resorted to horrible name calling, and physical abuse. I'm certain that my husband is a good person, but I have to think he may have had something happen with his chemical balance in his body. He is not a man that would typically do things like this, but after 4 years without a reprieve, I can't do it anymore. He lost his job, AGAIN, 3 days ago. He went out with friends last night, and came home screaming and yelling, telling me to "get the (EDIT) out". This is the 8th time since January. I was asleep, the boys were asleep, it was 2am. I was again stripped of my bedding, all the lights were turned on, and the tv cranked up so loud the neighbors could hear it. I asked him what the he was doing. He said, "I went out tonight! I had a great time without you, and I will do it again and again, so get used to it." I hadn't even inquired about what he did, simply what was going on. I love this man, I would like to continue on this journey with him. I can't, however, deal with his controlling, narccistic behavior. I don't want to bore you all with my life, yet there are so many more things going on, I could write a book. I guess my question is this; why am I still here?

[jns]

Why is he talking about a great time without you? Is your relationship together in shambles? Do you two communicate? Are you two still intimate very much?

[WildChild]

This is a question that only you can answer.
Consider the affect this must be having on your sons. What they see and hear between their parents will shape the men they become. Is this what you want for them?
Mental abuse for the greater part of 20 years and now escalating into physical abuse?
How long has the mental abuse been going on?
I'm sorry but a "good" person doesn't do that.
Sort of hormonal imbalance may be a factor but what you are saying is that this really isn't new and its getting worse.
I can't encourage you strongly enough to get yourself and your sons out of there as soon as you can, You can then encourage your husband to get help from a safe distance. It may be that your leaving will help him realize that he needs to make changes.

[oxy-moron]

Hi
Its sounds like he is depressed. Do you think it has gotten worse over winter.
It may be why he cant hold down a job.
Are you sure you want to stay with him?
If so there are ways that you can alter his mood and attitude.
Has he gotten worse over winter- how healthy is his diet.
How much exercise is he doing.
Alcohol is usually an issue in abuse cases and you need to keep him away from it if possible.
How supportive is your family?

[Guest]

*I have endured a lot of mental abuse for a greater part of the marriage.
*I have endured a bit of pushing and kicking for about the past 4 years
*I recently have been punched in the back of the head and stripped of all my clothing and bedding, including pillows and sheets

I've read all that I need to.

Get out, get out now...

Or maybe next time we'll be reading "He punched me in the face, only broke two teeth, then told me he was sorry. What should I do?"

There's no excuse for abuse....period!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I have endured a lot of mental abuse for a greater part of the marriage.
*I have endured a bit of pushing and kicking for about the past 4 years
*I recently have been punched in the back of the head and stripped of all my clothing and bedding, including pillows and sheets

20 years is a long time don't you think? I know you have known him since he was a grass hopper but what is his family background how he was bought up... something is very deep there, very..

20 years of mental abuse sounds as if he is controlling.. Putting you down all those years, not wanting you to have too many if any friends, yet your story sounds as if you are grounded despite the then physical abuse.

To your question, why are you still there after 20 years.

20 YEARS.

You don't feel worthy, too old, no one will want you, you have no life, you've raised kids, what do you know?

Guess what...

You wouldn't be here unless you have realised your worth and realised the wasted years you have given, the trying, the non questioning, yet it's thrown in your face, and the insults and rip the bed linen off you, stay cold witch, abuse.

You can't save people ,don't feel guilty, sorry for him or marriage is mean't to be forever after all you met as little kids so you know, it has to be ..

NO..

He had problems at the inset, you saw those maybe you stayed for the kids then but you know in your heart that you deserve all the love that is out there in this world and YOU CAN HAVE IT, if you believe.

Let him destroy his life, if he had been okay? Before all the job losses? I'd say it was depression but you are talking 20 years and the last 4 really bad.

Next he'll throw you against the wall...

This is not a game, this is a really serious situation..He is out of control... Don't feel guilty it's your life you live it once, off course at our age we fear don't.. I was abused not physically .... I am engaged to an Angel....

Time to go.

CW

[Guest]

I've read all that I need to.

Get out, get out now...

Or maybe next time we'll be reading "He punched me in the face, only broke two teeth, then told me he was sorry. What should I do?"

There's no excuse for abuse....period!

This....

Do as he says before it's to late... i know what im talking about...

[my3sons]

Everything isn't that cut and dry. This is a commitment, and I want to keep it going. I love him so much, I can't imagine coming home to someone else. Folks, please understand, I know no other. My life with him, is my whole life. I was honestly looking for positive reenforcement from someone, someone telling me to stick it out, and words of advice on how to coax him into better behavior and better life skills. It seems that the quick solution is "get out", but I don't think that is a true assessment of all scenarios. Some men are good, and some are lost, why should we leave the lost and only focus on the good? I'm totally confused. Is there anyone to give some good information to resolve this problem?
Thanks.

[kristalyn_04]

I'm sorry that you're not hearing what you want to hear, but you came here for honest unbiased input, and that's what you got. Did you come here for help or did you come here for validation? You're in an abusive relationship, period. So many stay in such situations in the hopes that it can be worked out and they will change, but it just never happens. You can only control what you do, you can't change him. You will continue to live this way if you stay. Think about what message your sons are getting from seeing and living in this situation. Is that what you want for them? Yes, marriage is a commitment, but in my eyes he's the one that breaks it every time he is abusive towards you. That's just not what a husband does to his wife, EVER. Yes, you love him, I understand. But there isn't anyone that you can't live without. Will it be easy? No. But it's what is ultimately best for you and your sons.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Everything isn't that cut and dry. This is a commitment, and I want to keep it going. I love him so much, I can't imagine coming home to someone else. Folks, please understand, I know no other. My life with him, is my whole life. I was honestly looking for positive reenforcement from someone, someone telling me to stick it out, and words of advice on how to coax him into better behavior and better life skills. It seems that the quick solution is "get out", but I don't think that is a true assessment of all scenarios. Some men are good, and some are lost, why should we leave the lost and only focus on the good? I'm totally confused. Is there anyone to give some good information to resolve this problem?
Thanks.

my3sons

*I have endured a lot of mental abuse for a greater part of the marriage.
*I have endured a bit of pushing and kicking for about the past 4 years
*I recently have been punched in the back of the head and stripped of all my clothing and bedding, including pillows and sheets

You are in denial... How can any of us truly tell you to stick it out when you tell us, he has mentally abused you for almost 20 years, he has physcially abused you, by pushing you and kicking you and now he has escalated into punching you, in the back of the head which is DANGEROUS then followed through with stripping all your clothing and bedding so you sleep (controlled) in the cold with nothing at all, not even for you head that he punched.....

Off course you can't imagine coming home to someone else.

You can't imagine even being alone.

An abuser controls you and your husband controls you, so you don't see what is really occuring you see, love in a completely different form, it must be your fault...Yet, those three sentences I underlined is why you came here, with the last words from your mouth...Why am I still here? You are fighting your sub-conscious the back of your mind that actually knows exactly what is going on...

If you said he was down, out, depressed, (not abusive) we would talk about that and ask you if he was on medication, if he has seen a physcologist about this, etc..

You have been answered by men here, Tex, Seeker, as well as us women...

You can not see this man as being lost..He's abusive, you can "tell not ask" him to 1) go to anger management classes and 2) see a Doctor over depression, which he has to have which I asked you if he had, if he continues to lose his jobs...

He has always been mentally abusive, after losing his first job, the physical came into it, and now he's lost his forth job the punch in the back of the head that you have let him do, may next time be a knife.

Can't you see that? That the more you allow this behaviour the worse the behaviour gets, as he gets away with it? The mental abuse is " I went out tonight and loved it, get used to it" but the anger is escalating and you are going to be really hurt, if you want to think about 20 years, think about you not being here and your sons, having to never see their Mother again....

Think...about this...he punched you in the head then stripped you the bed and pillow and left you there....

You are viewing this wrongly....He always had a problem he always mentally abused you..It's escalated he is not lost, sure he has lost his spirit, which has created alot of anger, but he obviously has never respected, has no morals or he couldn't do this and if it is a chemical imbalance how will you know unless HE seeks help and you know he won't do that, there is nothing wrong with him.

Have someone with you, tell him you want him to go into anger management and see a specialist to check where the anger is coming from because he is now physcially abusive and you will not put yourself in danger and yes, you feel it's danger... Tell him that he will never strip you or the bed ever again, nor will he taunt you... If he is not prepared to do these things then you are out of there full stop, right there and then have your bags packed.

Here is the thing...If he loves you? He will attend these places....If he doesn't? He will hit someone else, drink and go out and say yay, she's gone...

You, get to find that out..You get to see if he loves you really loves you, isn't that important? And you get to be safe whilst he goes either way and if it is in the direction of getting better, it happened because you left and made him do something about himself...

Isn't that what you want?

CW