[Tonya43]

Please bare with me as the tears roll down my face. He left initially to go to school up North, we lived in Southern Ca. March of last year he left to go to motorcycle school, we were seeing each other 2 times a month. Then Oct of this year he out of the blue tells me he does not want to be married. I took a surprise flight up there in Feb of this year to find out from the person he was renting a room with that he had moved and that he had been seeing a woman who would come there weekly. I asked him about it and just this month he has told me that he has someone. I'm losing my mind here, I cant eat or sleep, all I do is cry. We've been married 11 years, how could he do this to me. Yes we had problems in our marriage, but I loved him unconditionally. Yesterday he came down here after 6 months of not seeing our 8 yr old son, and spent a day with him then headed back this morning. He emptied out his storage he had here, so I guess its final that he will permanently move up north. I tried not to let him see my cry or break and acted civil for our sons sake, but when they left i cried all night. He has blocked my number from calling him or texting him, so all I can do is email him. He texts my son on his phone from time to time. I have tried begging him back, pleading, but he refuses. I love my family and I want it back! I pray night and day for God to restore our family. He has not filed for divorce, I asked him to, and he say he wont file because we can not agree on the terms. Do you think he does not want a divorce? How could he leave us like that? He seems all happy while im suffering and sad.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Tonya welcome to the Forum.

Seems that there was some absense there, twice a month spending time with your husband, what did you do the rest of the time? How did that make you feel such a distance?

Don't you think it's wrong for him to see his son once in 6 months? And a text here and there...

Don't you think he was selfish to have an affair instead of leaving first and also, to not file for Divorce because he wants you to break further, and so, he can have it all his way, what ever that is custody, finances, house.

I know 11 years is a long time but at some point you will ask yourself honestly, what did I love about him, what did he do for me, when did he buy me things make me laugh, and be there for me and what has he really contributed to our son's life?

What is important for now is your son, and you... This man cheated on you and this man thinks the grass is greener...

You are important, your child is important, .... Lift your head up high and realise there were problems and it wasn't all that great not even for you and the past year has been a nightmare to just see your husband twice a month, for 12 months..a lonley nightmare.

It's your turn to find happiness... Let go.

CW

[jns]

I'm sorry that this happened to you.

He is happy because he has found someone new that is exciting to him. You are sad, because you have lost him. If you want to bring this to a head, file for divorce. He will have to pay alimony and child support and since you have helped finance his education, you should get a boost when he gets a better paying job. Courts and lawyers will make the decisions. He has some benefit from not divorcing you, what is it? You could possibly get a settlement from her for alienation of affection. Where is the money in the marriage?

[Tonya43]

Yes I feel he is selfish! He was in the military 16 years. then he got laid off 2 years ago. I have already filed for child support, he. was giving me 650.00 a month until last month, then he tells me to get a court order. So I filed for child support. I don't want a divorce, is that crazy? I want him to file. He has finished school as of 2 weeks ago. We both are self employed. I own a house cleaning business and not doing so well here in Southern CA. I have lost all my clients and barely making ends meet. My rent in a 2 bed apt is 1350.00 car 500 plus utilities , insurance, and food. I have nothing left. I make about 2000 a month. He is getting the GI bill, and money from his motorcycle parts biz, don't know how much that is. We were renting a 3 bed house and i have to move because i could not afford it, he left me there to move everything by myself. I had to fly my cousin in from TX to help with packing and moving. And hire movers to move stuff to the new apartment and storage. I have no savings so I don't know what to do. Hes just turning 40 so i thought this was a mid life crisis, but its been 6 months already. I believe in marriage and not divorce, but I know I deserve better. The way he did this was so hurtful and painful. He ripped my heart and soul out, from me and my son, and he appears he does not care. I cant even get up out of bed today, I'm a emotional wreck. I plan to go to Family Law tomorrow morning to file for spousal support.

[Tonya43]

His excuse for cheating was "I told you I did not want to be married anymore, and I was not with you anymore"

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Defense you mean Your Lawyer will deny that, he was married, he went away for a course, he cheated.

So from Military does he get benefits until the day he dies?

He knew you were on bare finances and let you move on your own to something smaller , he really is all heart isn't he.

How is your son coping? This must have been hard to rarely see his Dad the past year let alone then the last 6 months...

[Tonya43]

yes today after seeing him he cried and begged him to stay. I guess he needed to get back to her. He tells me he wants his Daddy back every day. Last month I was begging him to come back he refused. Now I just accept it and I dont email or try to contact him anymore. because I feel I am degrading myself. Why he wont file for divorce I dont know. Clearly he has moved on.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

As JNS stated, what does he have to lose by filing it?

Here if you are in the Military for 20 years you are paid a pension for life..Do you know anything about this where you are from given he was layed of 2 years ago?

It's finances of some sort it has to be, as he is saying you want any money go through the Courts, he is not even prepared to help support your son naturally...

You know you deserve better and you know you don't deserve a man whom has no morals, and won't spend time with his son....your son deserves better. You have to be strong and be there for your son at the moment...

Maybe JNS knows a little more on the law sides of things there. Or Military side..

CW

[WildChild]

Sounds like he has hardened himself against you and possibly your son as well. After all you are now the fly in the ointment. This will hurt for a while but you have to pick yourself up, brush yourself off and get on with it. You have yourself and a child to support. Don't be surprised if he tries to get custody or if he skips on paying child support, or does both. He will very likely try to make you wrong somehow to help himself justify his actions.

What can you do refresh your business? Can you offer some new services? Or can you find other employment? Don't count on anything from him, you have to think of child support as a bonus not as something you can depend on because he could stop paying at any time.

Talk to some attornies and learn just what the laws in your state are.

Keep your chin up. Do something nice for yourself and your son.

[jns]

Yes I feel he is selfish! He was in the military 16 years. then he got laid off 2 years ago. I have already filed for child support, he. was giving me 650.00 a month until last month, then he tells me to get a court order. So I filed for child support. I don't want a divorce, is that crazy? I want him to file. He has finished school as of 2 weeks ago. We both are self employed. I own a house cleaning business and not doing so well here in Southern CA. I have lost all my clients and barely making ends meet. My rent in a 2 bed apt is 1350.00 car 500 plus utilities , insurance, and food. I have nothing left. I make about 2000 a month. He is getting the GI bill, and money from his motorcycle parts biz, don't know how much that is. We were renting a 3 bed house and i have to move because i could not afford it, he left me there to move everything by myself. I had to fly my cousin in from TX to help with packing and moving. And hire movers to move stuff to the new apartment and storage. I have no savings so I don't know what to do. Hes just turning 40 so i thought this was a mid life crisis, but its been 6 months already. I believe in marriage and not divorce, but I know I deserve better. The way he did this was so hurtful and painful. He ripped my heart and soul out, from me and my son, and he appears he does not care. I cant even get up out of bed today, I'm a emotional wreck. I plan to go to Family Law tomorrow morning to file for spousal support.

Can you lower your car payment by selling the car and buying a used car, SUV or truck? My wife has a 2006 4Runner we picked up last year. It was in good condition and fairly low miles. The payment is about $300/mo. Something like that could free up an extra $200. In addition it would lower your insurance costs and your vehicle license fees. If you have cable or satellite, you could try another plan or company to lower costs and take advantage of new customer deals. Check your phone and cell phone plans, you may be able to do something there. Going for the smaller trash cans can get some savings sometimes. Buy groceries on sale, put what you can of on-sale frozen foods in the freezer. Eat less expensive food. Suspend any gym memberships if possible.

It doesn't matter if you don't believe in divorce. He will do it when it is convenient for him. Do it when it is convenient for you.