[Krazy_glu3]

If youve read my other posts, youd know some background about my relationship with my husband. I love him dearly and have always stayed faithful. Even through all the unfaithful events hes done.
Friday morning at 3AM I woke up to make a bottle and change diapers. I checked my facebook on my phone. I had gotten a message from a guy, and the name sounded familiar. It was the husband of the woman he emailed pics of his to last year. My husband says he wasnt going to cheat, but instead finding a girl for a threesome. Anyways, we finally worked through that, and even went to counseling. But he messaged me saying that my husband emailed her again asking if she was still wanting to have sex. My husband said he would keep it on the DL. I confronted him the next morning and he denied it "I have NO idea what you are talking about" "what? what email?". Thing is... Im not stupid.. I know signals of lying, and how he acts, the way he talks, etc. It was obvious he was lying. His eyes were glassy like he was about to cry because I told him one more incident with a girl and its over. He's had too many situations with other girls and every time I stayed for our kids. texting, calling, meeting up, sending pics, etc... And I've HAD IT.
Thing is... he just returned from a 5 month deployment about two weeks ago.. Its not like I've given him everything he wants. Ive been faithful through 8 months absence because of basic training, three weeks because of training, five months because of deployment.. all of it.. Ive been faithful... and he cant seem to do the same. He apparently still wants the teenage bachelor life.
He came home and acted like everything was fine, and it wasnt. I stopped him in the kitchen and told him he has one more chance to just fess up to the email. He said his friend had gotten on his phone. So his friend got on his phone, went through his email, and replied to the chick using my husbands email? yeah that doesnt add up. Its just so much to say..
Im 1400 miles away from home. My husband is leaving in March to Afghan and he says I cant leave him because he needs me. I dont believe him. Im stuck at home every day because we have one car and he takes it to work. I stay home and watch our two baby boys (2 1/2 and 1). I cook, wash his clothes, everything.. but after this last time I think its time I go back home.. maybe we can work out later when he straightens up and grows up? I'm at a loss of what to do. He's telling me to unpack and stay here.. but the only reason im here is for him, and if he cant be faithful then whats the point? Im not going to be played like that.. I need advice. Im not even sad about this.. I have more anger than anything.. I havent even cried about it. Im not sad that he tore our family up, im angry. I'm ****ed off that he cant seem to change after claiming he will for three years. Three years is long enough to straighten up, if not for ME, then for the kids. If he cant straighten up in three years, then he never will. I think its finally over.. I need help on what to do. My guy friend says try to work it out, but I have. My sister says that I dont deserve this, and I dont. I know I'm a lot better of a wife than most my age. Ive never cheated... not many people my age can say that.. I feel like bashing my head on the keyboard.. what should I do?

[Ashlee T.]

I can imagine you have such a mixture of emotions now : sadness, anger, nervousness, worry, confusion, etc.

Your husband has put you in a really difficult spot. Let me start by saying that there are lots of men who leave their families behind on deployment that do not cheat. Never for one second let him use "I was lonely" as an excuse (if he ever does..). You could say the same, couldn't you? You're home, with no car, raising two children totally by yourself, cleaning for him, cooking for him, making sure everything is as he likes it for when he returns, etc. You are doing the work of two people, ALONE. When during all that time do you get to even THINK about feeling sexy enough to cheat? Probably never, because you're too busy.

Some people will tell you to try to work it out...."for the boys". But lets get real here..... do you really think it's advantageous for your boys to grow up watching their father be unfaithful to their mother, watching them fight, watching the lack of trust, the lack of passion? What's REALLY best for them? Dad might be a great guy, but he's not a great guy for their mom. And they do not need to grow up thinking this is what marriage is all about, that this is how women should be treated. Some others will say to try to work it out, because they know that a divorce is going to be rough. And it will. There will be a period of time in this that is really really tough. You will have to pick yourself up and find a start to your own life. But that part is temporary.

After that rough patch ends.......... then there is this woman, who is strong, who is independant, who has friends and a social life, who is HAPPY and vibrant and free from living in a of lies and mistrust. There is this woman with her OWN place, decorated how she wants it, free. There is this woman who can, for the first time since adulthood say "What DO I want to do with my life??" with the world at her fingertips. THAT is the type of woman your boys need to see. THAT is the type of woman your boys will grow up to respect.

What he says at this point is irrelevant. Take it with a grain of salt because that's all it is. One grain of salt doesn't season your food, any more than actionless words save a relationship. His words mean nada. You know it. As a woman you are THE toughest creature in the world. You can carry the weight of the world on your shoulders and still be an exceptional woman, mother, role model, friend, daughter, sister, worker, etc. As the toughest creature in the world, your instincts are impeccable. Do not be blinded by what you WANT to believe... force yourself to accept what is reality. Get your game plan together.....if you have the email (or you could ask the girls husband to send it to you) print it out, get copies of bank statements and credit card statements, and go talk to an attorney about what your next steps need to be.

Don't let yourself fall back into this............. I want to see you down the road posting about how awesome your life, how wonderful being free from a life of lies is........ not posting about this same thing happening yet again. Because it will.

[Krazy_glu3]

I havent cried at all about this, but your comment made me tear up and almost lose it. Mostly because of my boys. I know that I dont want them to see this, and I've even told him that. Staying and just arguing isnt good for the boys and I dont want them exposed to that. I DONT want them to think treating a women disrespectful is ok, because its not. If another girl was in my situation I'd say she is foolish if she thinks staying with him and trying to fix it will work. But for some reason, when its happening to me, I cant seem to take my own advice. Really, what hurts is how he has two kids and totally just threw them away to go be stupid and talk, text, meet up with other girls. Really? He has kids he has to think about.. and now he prolly wont see them. Not for good, but he's still in the military so he cant move back home for another two years. He would see them on holidays if he flies back home. Thats what really hurts.. Looking at my son who looks just like him, and just knowing that his daddy could straighten up even after having him. I never wanted my kids to not have their dad, but I think having no dad is better than having a dad that will teach them the WRONG way to treat a woman.
Id love to go back home and do what I've always wanted to. I want to join the military, but he didnt want me to. But being single, and having two kids, itll be impossible now because I'll have nobody to watch them.
Im still trying to figure out what to do, and why he wants me to stay so badly. I dont think its because he loves me and doesnt want to lose me. I think its because since he's already gotten in trouble before for emailing those pics, if he gets caught again, he will get in MAJOR trouble. He might be dishonorably discharged, demoted, or something. Then he'd have to live back in the barracks and not this house. I dont feel sorry for him at all because I've given him over 5 chances to straighten up. Over five chances and over three years... if THAT wasnt enough to show him I loved him and wanted to be with him.. then .. idk what WILL show him. Having a woman take care of the kids and be faithful and stick by him through EVERYTHING really shows (and i dont mean to boast) that I'm a keeper. He thinks I'll be there through everything but I wont.. Not anymore.. I cant, cant, cant keep living this lifestyle. This isnt healthy for me, and more importantly, our sons. Im not longer even thinking about myself.. Im thinking about out kids. Whats best for THEM. and honestly, I dont think having an dad who treats mommy like is a good role model.
Im going with divorce.. thats my choice, but he doesnt think that I'm going to do it. But im notgoing to be an awesome wife just to be trampled on. Im a LOT stronger than he thinks. Every time he's screwed me over I've grown stronger and im a lot more independent than he thinks. Only thing I rely on him for in money since I cant go out and get a job. Thats IT. I KNOW i can take care of our kids by myself because I've done it for 2 years. Im not even worried about having no help with the kids, I know I have that covered. I just gotta figure out where to go from here, how to get everything going and such. Cost for someone to fly out to help me move and drive the uhaul back. where to live. cost for staying there. cost for divorce (i hear it a lot). My heads a jumble.. a complete jumble. I thought I'd found that fairytale, ya know? me and him connected so well and I loved it.. but apparently he just wasnt fully connected to just me and our kids. His loss. he will wake up one day and think 'what the did I do....'

[monK]

Is staying worse than leaving? Don't let him make you feel quilty by saying "I need you." He needs you to take care of his things so that he can go off and have fun. He's got a mental grip on you. Be strong and don't give in. Most kids benefit from being raised without a jerk father moreso than than they do with a jerk father. That is in the long run. I wish you the best of luck. But you will have to initiate the change so if you are religious, call on God.

[Krazy_glu3]

I know. I've dated guys who played mind games, so I'm used to them. I know he's trying to guilt me into staying. Especially because hes like 'you cant leave now. I'll be going to afghanistan soon and you cant leave me'. like if i leave he wont be in the right state of mind and a soldier not in the right state of mind wont be focused and can easily be killed... and yeah that would REALLY suck. I dont want him NOT in the kids life, I want him to be there for his kids, I want and they need to know their dad. But us being together isnt going to work apparently. He has NO mental grip on me. Im a lot stronger than that. Im not the smartest girl ever, but hes making it seem like he thinks I'm a complete moron! He can say stay because he needs me here for him especially since hes going to afghan in a few months, but honestly... it wasnt my decision.. he made the decision to email her and ruin all we had going for us.

[Ashlee T.]

It's ALWAYS hard to follow our own advice when it's US in the situation. But that's where you have to be strong, like you are, and not let yourself fall into that trap.

Why does he want you to stay? Because you're awesome. You're an awesome woman, an awesome wife, and an awesome mom. I'd venture to guess you're as gorgeous on the outside as you are on the inside. He knows that he will not have that with the flings. He wants the cake and wants to eat it too. He wants you to still be there if he ever decides to settle down. For a cheater, cheating isn't any fun when they don't have someone to cheat on. Then it's not cheating, right? It's the game of it all, the secrecy, the deceit, the rush of pulling one over on you that they enjoy. Then it's the getting caught, and the web of lies they construct to get themselves out of it......and then when you agree to stay, it's another RUSH....again they've controlled and won. As you know, he will not change. And even if the day comes in which he gets tired of cheating, how many years of lies have you had to deal with? How many STD's have you been exposed to? And how could you ever feel what you deserve to feel with someone you KNOW has spent a lifetime lying to you?

So now that you have the boys, joining the military isn't the best option. But what is? What makes your heart jump with excitement? I picture you, finding a job you enjoy, going to college part time(if that's what you wanted, you'd have it totally paid for as a single mom), building a career for yourself and being that busy but awesome mom that the boys will admire and respect. I see you unleashing a fun happy go lucky person that is full of the life that has been sucked out of you during this deceitful marriage. What kinds of things do you want to do in your life? What kinds of things make YOU happy?

Alot of people hang on because they don't want to admit to themselves that they were fooled. They want to think that because things were great in the beginning, that they must have the chance of being great again. "He was so great in the beginning, we had it all". Think of that statement, and then analyze it: He WAS. We HAD. Past tense. What matters is what you have NOW and what you have going forward.

[WildChild]

Talk to an attorney before you do anything. Right now you both have residency in the same state, if you take your children and move to another state you may have to reestablish residency before you can file. In the meantime he could file in the other state and force you to return, perhaps multiple times, to get through the divorce. Depending on what the attorney says you may need to talk with an attorney in your home state as well. Each state has different requirements and you will need to weigh them carefully.

You are dealing with a man who's work immerses him in macho culture. I don't have experience with the military but have talked with women and men who do. I would venture a guess that each unit or company or whatever grouping is used, has its own subculture to a degree. Probably in some there is a real expectation of fidelity, while in others there is probably an undercurrent or outright attitude of expectation of sexual conquest or interaction. In any human grouping their are individuals who set the tone. Just like a family, some by word and deed make certain behaviors unacceptable, others make them the norm and still others say no while giving it a wink (more the don't get caught thing).

That the woman's husband is aware of what is going on and contacting you, argues it is likely others will find out. The stresses of life do strange things to people and super stress in situations such as war, intensify responses. I suspect, this is pure conjecture on my part, that you wanting to go into the military drove his choice to do so. This argues that he has some insecurities about being with a woman who is doing things he sees as "masculine", many men do. I've dealt with it working in construction, even when they admit that I am better at some area or as good, they have a problem with it being a woman who is doing the work. Men with this flaw are not good people for a strong woman to be with. They are OK so long as they feel that they are stronger, more capable, or first. Anything that makes that not true will trigger a negative response. If you had joined first or with him, that would have threatened his self image. If you leave and HIS actions are revealed and he is reprimanded in some way, he is very likely to put the blame on you or the other woman or both. Do not expect reasonable behavior.

When you leave that is a failure. If he cannot make himself and in his perception, others around him, place the blame on you, you could be in danger. Be very careful.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

he'd have to live back in the barracks and not this house.

And if you packed up and left and Divorced him you are no longer his wife, therefore, there is no longer a neccessity for the house and he would have to go back to the barracks right?

You give someone a second chance, a third, fourth, fifth they are going to believe that you will keep giving them chances and so they will keep taking that risk.... What they don't realise is they are playing russian roullete, one day their gamble makes them lose big time....

It's never easy but then the last 3 years have not been easy either for you, he's not listening equals, he doesn't care enough about, you.

Too few couples can engage in a threesome and be "okay" about that, unless by nature they know how to love and respect their other halves, and enjoy swinging or threesomes... Few relationships survive if that is not the case...Either a taste for it then occurs or, a feeling of it's not a marriage occurs, resentment....

Never do anything for someone else that is purely "for them"....

[Krazy_glu3]

Thank you for the replies ladies. It has left me with a lot to think about.
Beautiful Disaster. Thanks. I am an awesome mom and wife haha. And I know I'm not the prettiest girl in the world, but I do think I'm very pretty :] The more I think about it the more I dont want to leave. I want to live in the fairytale I thought we had going.. I want to believe the lies and be stupid and not address them.. But thats not good at all. I gave our relationship everything I had. And it sucks having it thrown back in your face.

Wildchild - How much do attorneys cost.. we dont exactly have money saved up because of somebody. Not saying any names... my husband. We got married in Texas, but live in California. Im not sure which would be a better place to do it.. I guess here because he cant leave to go to texas, due to his work. Im not sure if you saw my previous posts but Ive wanted to join the military for 10 years now. the summer I was going to join I met him. I told him a few months beforehand what my plans were and he didnt support them. He actually told me right then and there that if I left for basic training he would cheat on me and break up with me. Idk WHY i didnt take that as a MAJOR red flag to leave.

Chandler - Yes thats correct.. He'd have to move back into those tiny rooms that 2 guys have to live in that is probably the size of my living room. No more two story house with a nice backyard.. he will have just a few hundred square feet.
This time he pulled the trigger and the barrel was loaded. He shouldve known.. He actually sent me a text, acting COMPLETELY normal.. like nothing happened. and I was like 'i cant believe he's acting like nothing happened'. I texted him back saying that hes not taking me serious and that this whole situation is a lot more serious than he thinks. And he said 'what?! You arent seriously going to file for divorce are you?'. He doesnt believe me.. he thinks I'm lying. Maybe he thinks that when I go pick him up for work tomorrow that I'll have had time to cool off and I'll be willing to accept him back.. But No.. I wont.
I actually told him that about the 3some. He asked and I said it sounds fun. And my words were even 'i dont really want to try it because I hear too many stories about it ruining marriages'. Its funny because the night before he sent the pics to that chick I rocked his socks in bed. So its not like hes not getting any. I really think he's just sex driven.. Because when it goes 4 days without anything happening it seems to be 'gawd we havent done anything in days!! come on!!'. I know theres other husbands out there that would be HAPPY with just a four day break. I read on here how some guys are getting just one time a month, IF THAT. So I dont know it feels like he thinks he's being sexually deprived. I think I need to let him go so he can grow up and everything.

[JadedQueen]

Your husband is military right? Well.... the military is very strict on how their members provide for their families.... so until your divorce is final he is required to support you and the children financially (as much as he possibly can with the income he earns). Even if you are not "legally seperated or divorced" he is required to support his family and if he doesn't or refuses to then contact his first sargent (not sure what branch of military he is in). If he is cheating or has cheated on you, that is a serious violation in the military as well and while it does go on a LOT, if it were to be brought to someone's attention he would get into trouble for that as well. My ex husband and I were living in seperate households and in the process of filling out divorce papers, well, I guess he was hanging out with some female and honeslty I could care less, it was over and had been for a long time and I don't even think anything was going on between the two of them he was just helping her move (her and her hubby were splitting up) well, I guess her hubby had a problem with it so he reported my soon to be ex and my ex was told that he needed to cut all contact with this woman until both divorces were final and if he didn't he would get into serious trouble up to being kicked out of the military.

Your hubby doesn't deserve you and one day he will realize that and by that point it will be too late and he will probably regret his actions for the rest of his life. You don't have to answer this if you don't want to but I'm kinda curious... does he only do these things (send pics, text, meet up with other women etc...) when he is away from home on a assignment through the military or does it do these things at home in the same town that you live in? Also... what is his parents relationship like? Are they still married? Was his Dad unfaithful to his mom?