[WildChild]

I can't reply to this right now, I need to catch my breath.
He's got his head stuck someplace where the sun don't shine on this one.

[KMonte85]

I can understand him being upset with the situation if he doesn't want his partner and your sister to see each other (although I don't see how that is ANY of his business). HOWEVER, for him to yell at you like that, blame you, scare you, and refuse to share a bed with you over it is completely unreasonable.

You are not your sister's keeper. You can give her advice, you can let her know you don't approve of her relationship with your husband's partner, but ultimately, she is an adult. She can and will do exactly as she likes. Likewise with your husband's partner. And for your husband to berate you over what those two consenting adults have chosen to do with their freetime is completely ridiculous.

Whether or not you offered to be responsible for your sister, and whether or not you tried to stop them from leaving together is not the issue here. The issue is that your husband blew up and verbally accosted you for something that was not within your control. He should be aware of this flaw in his judgement, and he owes you a HUGE apology for treating you that way.

[WildChild]

Ok I'm going into Crone mode here. You can think of me as your much older auntie who is a bit blunt but says it out of love and caring and doesn't see any reason to beat around the bush.

Your husband has the makings of a good man but instead of supporting him in growing into that role and helping him become a better man and a better human being, you are supporting him in growing into being a total A-hole. Every time you accept being treated with less than loving respect and care you teach him that it is ok to dump on you, to blame you, to use you as the whipping post for his issues. Every time you fail to discuss out of line spending, allow disrespect, accept carp from his family and his not responding to it in your defense, you are teaching him that everything he does is fine. Cultural training can be tough to get around but your sister seems to be doing it. Ever see the movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding? Remember the bit about, the man is the head but the woman is the neck and neck turns the head? If you will not work at stepping out of the role you think you have been molded to, then start learning to rework that role. Become the neck.

You need to understand and understand fully and deeply that you are a wonderful and valuable woman who deserves loving care and respect. You NEED to speak your truth. You have to get over this idea that you have no right to have a voice. Your true Self knows this, that is why you were drawn to kissing a fellow student. Your diabetes is a fact in your life, we all have things that we have to deal with or overcome, this is one of yours. It does not make you less valuable or desirable.

Being raped does not devalue you or make you less a woman. I know from experience the head trip rape can put you on. No one who has not been raped can understand it. Period. I don't care what they Think they understand, they cannot if they haven't been there. Having narrowly escaped death in your case no doubt intensifies it. You must get past that, You are an intelligent, beautiful woman, the rapist is maladjusted wack job, attempted murderer. Do not let him and some misguided cultural nonsense that being raped is somehow your fault, define you to your Self. This attitude is not just in Asian culture, there are cultures right now where a woman who is raped is very likely to be killed by her spouse or family for "dishonoring" them, we have idiots in western culture who will say women ask for it by the way they dress. Its total bs. I don't know how they justify things like the guy who breaks in a rapes a 90 yr old. See these for what they are, ways to avoid responsibility for a deep social problem. These attitudes are ways of excusing rape which is predominately a problem of male aggression, not female action or appearance.

Being able to drop a baby a year does not make a woman more a woman. Any brainless floozy can do that and often does just because its all she can do. You have a different role in the world. Real women birth far, far more than babies, we birth fabulous, creative, art, businesses, music, books, poems, dance, and other life generative acts. Those require far more than an intact reproductive system.

Sweetie, in general other people will value you just as much as you value you. You might want to take a look at Yoko Ono's life story. She is Japanese and she is no door mat. She bridged two cultures and was/is a very creative and strong lady. You are young and are still becoming. Where your life goes is up to you but you do not have to be anyone's whipping post, verbal or non verbal.

[pretzel]

chaya,

If you only read one post in this thread, please read WC's.

After that, sit down and think long and hard what she has said.

[Texinator]

Ok I'm going into Crone mode here. You can think of me as your much older auntie who is a bit blunt but says it out of love and caring and doesn't see any reason to beat around the bush.

Your husband has the makings of a good man but instead of supporting him in growing into that role and helping him become a better man and a better human being, you are supporting him in growing into being a total A-hole. Every time you accept being treated with less than loving respect and care you teach him that it is ok to dump on you, to blame you, to use you as the whipping post for his issues. Every time you fail to discuss out of line spending, allow disrespect, accept carp from his family and his not responding to it in your defense, you are teaching him that everything he does is fine. Cultural training can be tough to get around but your sister seems to be doing it. Ever see the movie, My Big Fat Greek Wedding? Remember the bit about, the man is the head but the woman is the neck and neck turns the head? If you will not work at stepping out of the role you think you have been molded to, then start learning to rework that role. Become the neck.

You need to understand and understand fully and deeply that you are a wonderful and valuable woman who deserves loving care and respect. You NEED to speak your truth. You have to get over this idea that you have no right to have a voice. Your true Self knows this, that is why you were drawn to kissing a fellow student. Your diabetes is a fact in your life, we all have things that we have to deal with or overcome, this is one of yours. It does not make you less valuable or desirable.

Being raped does not devalue you or make you less a woman. I know from experience the head trip rape can put you on. No one who has not been raped can understand it. Period. I don't care what they Think they understand, they cannot if they haven't been there. Having narrowly escaped death in your case no doubt intensifies it. You must get past that, You are an intelligent, beautiful woman, the rapist is maladjusted wack job, attempted murderer. Do not let him and some misguided cultural nonsense that being raped is somehow your fault, define you to your Self. This attitude is not just in Asian culture, there are cultures right now where a woman who is raped is very likely to be killed by her spouse or family for "dishonoring" them, we have idiots in western culture who will say women ask for it by the way they dress. Its total bs. I don't know how they justify things like the guy who breaks in a rapes a 90 yr old. See these for what they are, ways to avoid responsibility for a deep social problem. These attitudes are ways of excusing rape which is predominately a problem of male aggression, not female action or appearance.

Being able to drop a baby a year does not make a woman more a woman. Any brainless floozy can do that and often does just because its all she can do. You have a different role in the world. Real women birth far, far more than babies, we birth fabulous, creative, art, businesses, music, books, poems, dance, and other life generative acts. Those require far more than an intact reproductive system.

Sweetie, in general other people will value you just as much as you value you. You might want to take a look at Yoko Ono's life story. She is Japanese and she is no door mat. She bridged two cultures and was/is a very creative and strong lady. You are young and are still becoming. Where your life goes is up to you but you do not have to be anyone's whipping post, verbal or non verbal.

Chaya, please read this, then reread it a few times, and let it all sink in.

[athanasius1812]

First, your husband was wrong to take out his anger on you. Don't confuse the rest of my reply with that, WC's post was spot on.

However, and this is important.

YOU could easily be held responsible for accessory to statutory rape, and/or contributing to delinquency of a minor (among other charges) if you knowingly allowed a minor to engage in sexual activity with an adult. If that is the source of your husband's ire, it is understandable even though his method of dealing with it is deplorable. It doesn't matter if she turned 18 at midnight, if they had sex while she was below the age of consent that is a prosecutable offense. It is compounded by your knowledge of a previous sexual liason. The fact that he is a police officer makes the case for statutory rape even stronger due to the power disparity between the two.

You were the adult and owner of the house, you were also the host of the party, so you can be held liable for actions taken by your guests. This is similar to what could happen if you allowed a drunk guest to drive home and they injure someone on the way.

As for your husband, he should have turned his partner in 7 months ago. Period. I have never bought into the blue line BS, and my patrol partners were all confident that I would be honest under any circumstances. As far as I was concerned, if you break the law and I see it you are getting arrested, regardless. We got along fine because we were confident we could rely on one another to do the right thing, always. I even busted some idiot friends of my brothers (they were 9 years younger than me) who thought they could smoke a joint in my home because they were friends with my brother. The only reason this is an issue is because he and his partner have made a habit of ignoring "the little things" each other does. That is called corruption, and like any criminal behavior if it isn't stopped immediately it escalates over time.

Once again your husband's reaction was completely out of line, but don't confuse that with the legal issue here.

PS: I don't know what state you live in, but in most states the age of consent is lower than the age of majority. If that is the case, you may not be legally imperiled but it is wise to be aware of your exposure.

[chaya]

Me and my sister are different. She says I am a stepford wife, just like our mother. It looks like everyone here thinks so too. It is partly the way I was raised, different that my siblings because I am diabetic, and partly because I am a Buddhist. I had to go to private school where they could take care of me, there religious training was part of my life.

Many things that were said here have confused me, made me wonder if I am on the right path. Being a good wife is what I enjoy, nothing makes me happier than doing something for my husband and have him give me a smile or hug for it. If striving for his approval and respecting and supporting his wishes, makes me a stepford wife, I guess I am one.

One thing that really hurt was when Little said "He's controlling and, from evidence in your other threads, he doesn't make you happy." Nothing could be further from the truth. He does not try to control me, the things I do is because I want to do them. He does make me happy, happier than I ever dreamed i could be. I really don't believe I would be alive today if I hadn't met him. Before we met I was a mess, living with my Aunt and her family. We did not get along but I had no other choice. I can't even count the times I wanted to end my life. I would wake up in the morning and think, maybe I can end it all today, but I never had the courage to do it. Then I met him, I was attracted to him from the very moment I was sitting on the curb crying and he offered to help me. When he called me and asked me out I was so happy I could hardly answer him. We started dating but I had no idea how to act, how to make him like me, I was so afraid of losing him I came here for advice. Without that advice I would not be where I am today, married to a wonderful man.

This morning I had a talk with my husband. Everything is good with him now. I also had a talk with my sister, I let her know that she let me down and made me go back on my word. She is sorry and will apologize to my husband.

[KMonte85]

This morning I had a talk with my husband. Everything is good with him now. I also had a talk with my sister, I let her know that she let me down and made me go back on my word. She is sorry and will apologize to my husband.

And where was the apology from your husband towards you for berating you for something he didn't like that was outside of your control?

I understand he makes you happy and you love being a good wife. But read again what WC wrote to you, being a good wife does not mean being a pushover who allows her husband to treat her poorly when he is upset. He needs to understand that he overreacted and took his frustrations out on you, and that is not an acceptable behavior.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Honey, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be loved, to show respect, to be loyal, to honour but in my world it works both ways...

I hope in that talk with your husband, you did point out that he also was wrong, that he also should have pulled his colleague aside, and spoke to him regarding your sister.... It was as much if not more his responsibilty.

[WildChild]

Age of consent in California is 18 with a 3 year margin. So yes, this could be a big deal if the partner was turned in. This is the partner and the sister's responsibility and legally the partner's. He was told before to keep his hands off. Your sister was what we call "jail bait". Partner was playing with fire and as an officer should be well aware of the law.

That isn't your responsibility. You had talked with your sister before about this.

I'm glad you talked with your husband and feel all is well. But I do want to caution you that the training and education you had is not what your husband had. He needs for you to in some fashion, help him keep in line and to grow and learn. You are each other's teachers. If he gets in financial trouble you will both be in trouble. If he bends over backwards for his mother and accepts her being uncaring toward you, you will both be in trouble. If he lets his concern take the form of anger and lets his anger get the best of him, you will both be in trouble. Do you see why you need to learn to be the "neck" that turns the head?

You are not a Stepford wife but we are concerned that you could end up a very unhappy woman. You are dear and sweet and intelligent and we see that and do not want to see you end up hurting.