[Melephant]

this is potentially a really long story but i'll try to keep it as short as possible cos i really need some advice and have nowhere else to turn.

my bf and i have been together for two and a half years now and have come through a of a lot together. we recently have had an amazing little daughter together.
last year when i found out i was pregnant i was absolutely terrified. i was on the pill and being a mother was the last thing on my mind for a million reasons. we came to blows one night when i turned to him for advice on what to do - keep it and be unhappy and potentially a bad parent or have an abortion and have to live with what i'd done? after a screaming row, he went downstairs and i took thirty sleeping tablets. that belonged to him. two days after his best friend had died in a skydiving accident. i'm telling you this so you know the full story and exactly where we've BOTH gone wrong. anyway. i don't remember much of that night after taking the pills but i vividly remember him putting his hands around my neck. he later apologised and i told him if he ever did it again i'm gone.

i came around to being a mother and the past three months since giving birth i've genuinely been the happiest i think i've ever been. she's my world.

thursday morning at 2am we were lying in bed talking and C asked me what i would think of myself if i looked from another's point of view. i replied by saying i would think i'd be better off dead, in a round about way. he slapped me round the face. i smacked him back and told him i was leaving, we both started crying then eventually calmed down and he said he didn't mean to hit me, he was just shocked by what i said and it brought back the time when i took the overdose. i said the same thing back then.

my family are useless and i can't stay with any of them. i have no friends within a hundred miles, i have no money. if i leave him i'm taking my daughter with me and i don't want her being brought up in a hostel/refuge as she deserves far better. to be honest, i don't think i'd cope as a single mum. being in a couple is easier as i can take a break if i need to while C watches her. my daughter is also ill and in and out of hospital regularly (we live in Doncaster and have to take her to Leeds hospital, she has a very major operation inside her liver soon). i don't drive and have no skills, no GSCEs and what not.

does anyone have any advice on what the i should do? i'm not sure if i love him anymore -we have both changed and been through a lot in the past two years, but i still care deeply about him and it breaks my heart to think of him unhappy or happy with someone else.

i'm 22 and he's almost 33. he's made an issue of the age gap in the past and needed quite a lot of reassurance that he's not a pervert or whatever (i was 19 when we met), but last night i found a LOT of 'barely legal' porn on his laptop. bit of a contradiction. i confronted him, not minding that he has porn, just wondering why watching a teenage girl have sex is better than actually having sex with her. he brushed it off but couldn't explain how it was different.
it's kind of made me wonder if he's lied about being uncomfortable with my age but then is perfectly happy to get off to something listed as 'barely legal', what else has he lied about?

he always makes me feel like i'm the one in the wrong, he even said to me earlier when i brought up him hitting me, 'have you stopped to consider how hard this is for ME?' am i being really selfish for NOT infact thinking how he feels after i got slapped? honestly, i can't tell anymore.

i guess i'd just appreciate anybody's thoughts on anything in this post as i'm completely at a loss and having panic attacks and crying fits around the clock. i want my daughter to be safe and happy and don't want to spend my days feeling bad when deep down i know i shouldn't. when i've made mistakes i punish myself enough as it is, i'll never forgive myself for taking an overdose for example, without taking the blame for things other people have done.

please give your opinions, whether you agree with me or not, i can't tell who's in the wrong here anymore.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

I think I mentioned along time ago that he was controlling without going back to read your threads, I will later though, just out of time for now...hun..

But, if you don't feel that you love him, if he has physically tried to strangle you, he has slapped you, and you feel that you are in a relationship whereby you are not yourself, and can't cope and so had to take 30 sleeping tablets, I'd say this relationship is toxic and dangerous for you to remain in.

He is controlling if he makes you always feel you are wrong... He watches porn and has a woman whom was a teenager, she is growing up, she has a baby and she is seeing things clearer now

The overdose was a cry for help... You are more mature now, don't punish yourself, but it's time to find a way to get out I think...

You are saying

He's abusive and has been before
He's controlling
He's a lier
He is an emotional cheater


Time to find a way to leave and be happy sweet.

[Ashlee T.]

Totally agree with CW. It sounds like you both have some major issues that are going to require independent work in order to get through. Together you are poisonous.

It seems pretty clear that you need counseling. Not only counseling for your lack of self worth and unhealthy image of yourself...but also for guidance on how to get your feet on the ground.

No one has NO skills. You just think so poorly of yourself that you are not able to see what you can do. There are LOTS of things you can do to make a living. Sure, it will be tough at times, but there's no doubt whatsoever that you can do it.

He has shown you more than once that he will put his hands on you. You have shown him more than once that you will stay. Now is the time to show him his behavior has repercussions and that being violent will NOT be tolerated in your life or your daughters life.

But most importantly is to raise your daughter to believe in herself, to be confident, to be ambitious............. what better way to do that than lead by example? If she sees you (and she will) thinking nothing of yourself, not believing in yourself, etc........she will not believe in herself either...and she will not think she's worth anything. You MUST lead by example. I know you want better for her..........

[Melephant]

we both have a lot of issues, yes, you're both right about that. but we're both also trying desperately to fix them. i've actually been seeing a councelor recently but we've had so much going on i've barely had the chance to get on to more pressing matters because i'm terrified about my little girl's health. my next appointment with councelor is on the 28th, i'm pretty much stuck til then. C has asked to be referred to a councelor/therapist and should be getting a phone call to arrange an appointment later today.

i've been through a lot, admittedly, but so has he. i'm not defending him as i hate him right now, but i've caused him a lot of stress and he's always stuck by me and done a lot for me. he is controlling, but he is the first to admit it but his grandparents adopted him cos his real mom didn't want him (then, may i add, went on to have another baby -which she kept- about two years later) and he doesn't know who his dad is. we were friends before we became a couple and i have witnessed him get messed about by more than one woman and even his 'close friends' stabbed him in the back. infact, i can probably pinpoint the day he snapped and decided to take control and stop being a pushover.

my self-esteem issues are also not down to him, i promise. my brothers and i were severely neglected and abused as kids and we've all turned out the same. infact, for a while, C made me feel beautiful and strong and special. i only reverted back to my old self-depricating ways because of something i did two years ago (there is a post on it somewhere here) which i've never been able to forgive myself for. since then i have been a wreck.
as i said, since my daughter was born i've been incredibly happy, then getting smacked by her father has left me at a loss again.

half of me does believe i'm still in love with him and when he hit me the other day, it was a slap. if it was malicious, surely he would've punched me or hit me really hard. and also am i not just as bad as him for hitting him back immediately. i don't think he hit me to hurt me, i saw his face afetrwards and he looked just as shocked as i felt.
apart from putting his hands around my neck (again, two days after his best friend had suddenly died) for the briefest of seconds, he has not laid a finger on me. and trust me, there have been times when i've been such a pain, i would've slapped someone who did what i did.

we're as bad as eachother, clearly, but we're both trying to sort it out. i know he does love me after he's stood by me after so much and he's never denied hitting me, he told his parents the next day. he really has been a complete wreck since he did it, that's why i'm so confused about it all. i don't know what to think.

[MinnieGem]

my thought on this matter is take you and your daughter out of there, go to a shelter for the time being and they will help you get on your feet, you dont need a control freak like him especially one that hits you for talking about something, you dont deserve trash like that and he dont deserve a good person like you, do whats best and get you and your daughter the out of there.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Melephant,

I just re-read a couple of your threads...

There is a trust issue here to start with. How you two met, the girlfriend in Australia whom he had never met, yet made you be-friend and held you there really, hanging on until he finally became your boyfriend..

It's funny how we want what we can't have...

The "hard" decision you had to make, you can let that go now okay, you have a little one and that little one came into your life for a reason...

That journey "makes" people stronger most of the time.. And, it's for that reason you are making excuses for him everyone has a past, most have sad parts in that past, you either pick yourself up, dust yourself off and go out there and make a life, or you don't, it boils down to character.

He has a pattern in a way does he not? He was cheated on you say, and so he had an Aussie and an Engish girl, non trust in women, won't open up and give to one person, no trust in "family" yet it's family that he should be totally focused on given his circumstances as a child, he has a chance, you have a chance, of having a perfect "family" or to pretty much end up as you both felt as a child...

Does your child see these things? The arguements, yelling, slaps? It has to stop and if you can't convince him why, for the child then you should not live in the same house until you both can find a neutral ground of sanity and know how to walk and talk and share life.....

Don't make excuses for him, hitting/slapping is still WRONG...

And, you have a reason not to trust him, and you are together with a child, so you have a right to say I don't like you watching porn, it bothers me and we are together, can you respect that please...

Ultimately, if he ignores that, then that's another grey area of you never being happy...

I am glad that you are seeing a councellor. You have to start loving yourself. Look at that little bundle of joy? Un-conditional love, someone loves you like no one ever has or will, your child.....

You can make it on your own, with that love....

[Melephant]

my thought on this matter is take you and your daughter out of there, go to a shelter for the time being and they will help you get on your feet, you dont need a control freak like him especially one that hits you for talking about something, you dont deserve trash like that and he dont deserve a good person like you, do whats best and get you and your daughter the out of there.

This is probably exactly what i would've said to someone in my position. It's easier to see other people's problems, i guess, but the thing going through my mind at the minute is that i do know i love him, or the person he was -i'm not sure if that person i fell in love with ever even existed. i know the old C would never have laid a finger on me or made me feel bad for his mistakes as well as my own.. but also obviously i know him so i'm wondering if i can see the real situation for what it is because of that connection, or if i'm in a typical 'victim' situation where i'm just making excuses for him because i've been manipulated..

Confused!

we've been talking anyway, for the sake of our little girl (who, in answer to somebody's question, has never witnessed any arguments or 'violence' -thank god as she's much more advanced than she should be), and i've told him exactly how i feel, that i need to see that he's genuinely sorry -moping about and holding his hands up isn't going to cut it this time- that the person i love is still a part of him and that if we BOTH make some major changes then we can give it another go, but at the moment we're on a break and i'm going to keep it that way u nless i know we can change and work through it. if nothing changes then i'm leaving.

Honestly, i'm not looking to be lied to here so i feel better, i want a genuine unbiased opinion.. Does anyone think i'm being incredibly stupid? i won't be offended, just need a second opinion..

[CHANDLERS WISH]

People provide their honest opinions based on what the poster writes, so no one is going to lie to you to make you feel better.

If you have protected your child, if you have laid the law down and you are making his see that you are strong, will not tolerate certain things, and that a family is just that, not people all living in a house doing what they want, and won't budge unless he sees that, then you are doing the right thing in my books. Not stupid at all.

[jns]

my thought on this matter is take you and your daughter out of there, go to a shelter for the time being and they will help you get on your feet, you dont need a control freak like him especially one that hits you for talking about something, you dont deserve trash like that and he dont deserve a good person like you, do whats best and get you and your daughter the out of there.

I agree with MG, you have to get out. He will become worse with time as the rage builds. Follow through on your promise to him. It will be better for both of you.

[Melephant]

i slept with him last night.. want to shoot myself this morning.
he didn't manipulate me, it was me who threw myself at him while he tried to back off. Bugger it. another mistake.