I am still mystified at the recent development in our relationship. My husband of 2 1/2 years (together for 9 total) has always led me to believe that he loved me dearly, that he would never hurt me, and I trusted him completely. While most women freak at the thought of their man going to strip clubs, sometimes I'd either go with him, or let him go with friends - I trusted him. He texted my friends foolishness - I didn't care. I trusted him.
Mistake.
I went home for my mothers wedding for a 2 week period. He was back here, alone in our house. I encouraged him to call friends and go out - I knew I'd be busy, and wouldnt' be able to respond to his texts/calls as much as I'd like. Honestly, I was annoyed while out - he just seemed so needy all the time. So I did ignore him a bit more than other people - I called him almost every day.
He apparently has been feeling neglected for a while. We've talked about it before, but he always ended it with, "I'll never leave you, I love you, I'll never hurt you, etc.". I believed him. I am not an overtly sexual person, and he is. I never bothered him about his porn habits (they're not often), or his flirting with my friends. I TRUSTED HIM. Stupid me. Naive me. I noticed a year ago when he got REALLY drunk that he was rambling about how he was miserable, but I will not talk to someone when drunk. There is no reality there - it's a cowards way out. It's what my parents always did, and what I will never do.
Back to my little scenario. I'm gone. My friend is a walking horomone and I told him explicitly that I didn't care who he hung out with while I was gone, just not her. He calls her drunk and she comes over. Spends the night. She goes to her room, but he follows her, and cuddles in bed. They don't have sex, but they're cuddling in the spare room. Morning comes and he pulls her tighter. She says nothing, but snuggles in and sighs apparently. He gets on top of her and she pushes him off and says no - twice. He leaves the room.
In his head, he wanted me and him to end. He knew this would be the nail in that coffin. He knew it would end us. He also told me that if she kept going - he would have too. He wanted to kill our relationship. And all the while, here I am on the other side of the country, happy as can be with all my old friends talking about what a great guy he is, how lucky I am, etc. He was feeling so lonely, so bent out of shape.
Now, on a side note, I've been hurt LOTS in my life. I should have been aborted because they really shouldn't have been parents. I am happy with myself, and my life (or for the most part) but they did some damage that I am aware of and work on daily. He, when I met him, was convinced he had no emotions. Well, he learned that he did, and he's been working on them, btu he has this insane idea that he has to deal with everything alone, all the time. He can't ever just feel - he has to drink to feel, drink to hide nervousness, drink to even talk! He has difficulty verbalizing anything.
Anyhow, to summarize, he told me when I got home. I wanted to leave him, but I can't. We've been talking, and he's said he never got to live out these 'pick up a chick' days (I was his first real relationship) because he was always too shy, but that he has learned he doesn't want it anymore, after his attempt.
I want to believe he's honest, but he's been lying about being okay for 2 years - how can I be sure? how do you move on? It's been 3 days and I still can't let him touch me on his own accord. I can reach out and hug him, but I don't want him touching me. I've turned into psycho wife, insisting on him never being without me now, no texting my friends unless I see, and no alcohol. It's only been 3 days but he's been good... but let's be serious here. It's been three days! Of course he's still terrified...
I think some day he's going to leave me for good. I'm tired - I don't want anyone else. I love him, the stupid jerk, and I just am totally lost. Do you ever stop thinking about how he held her when he touches you? Can this be forgotten, or at least passed by to some degree?
Oh Lord, help.
Mistake.
I went home for my mothers wedding for a 2 week period. He was back here, alone in our house. I encouraged him to call friends and go out - I knew I'd be busy, and wouldnt' be able to respond to his texts/calls as much as I'd like. Honestly, I was annoyed while out - he just seemed so needy all the time. So I did ignore him a bit more than other people - I called him almost every day.
He apparently has been feeling neglected for a while. We've talked about it before, but he always ended it with, "I'll never leave you, I love you, I'll never hurt you, etc.". I believed him. I am not an overtly sexual person, and he is. I never bothered him about his porn habits (they're not often), or his flirting with my friends. I TRUSTED HIM. Stupid me. Naive me. I noticed a year ago when he got REALLY drunk that he was rambling about how he was miserable, but I will not talk to someone when drunk. There is no reality there - it's a cowards way out. It's what my parents always did, and what I will never do.
Back to my little scenario. I'm gone. My friend is a walking horomone and I told him explicitly that I didn't care who he hung out with while I was gone, just not her. He calls her drunk and she comes over. Spends the night. She goes to her room, but he follows her, and cuddles in bed. They don't have sex, but they're cuddling in the spare room. Morning comes and he pulls her tighter. She says nothing, but snuggles in and sighs apparently. He gets on top of her and she pushes him off and says no - twice. He leaves the room.
In his head, he wanted me and him to end. He knew this would be the nail in that coffin. He knew it would end us. He also told me that if she kept going - he would have too. He wanted to kill our relationship. And all the while, here I am on the other side of the country, happy as can be with all my old friends talking about what a great guy he is, how lucky I am, etc. He was feeling so lonely, so bent out of shape.
Now, on a side note, I've been hurt LOTS in my life. I should have been aborted because they really shouldn't have been parents. I am happy with myself, and my life (or for the most part) but they did some damage that I am aware of and work on daily. He, when I met him, was convinced he had no emotions. Well, he learned that he did, and he's been working on them, btu he has this insane idea that he has to deal with everything alone, all the time. He can't ever just feel - he has to drink to feel, drink to hide nervousness, drink to even talk! He has difficulty verbalizing anything.
Anyhow, to summarize, he told me when I got home. I wanted to leave him, but I can't. We've been talking, and he's said he never got to live out these 'pick up a chick' days (I was his first real relationship) because he was always too shy, but that he has learned he doesn't want it anymore, after his attempt.
I want to believe he's honest, but he's been lying about being okay for 2 years - how can I be sure? how do you move on? It's been 3 days and I still can't let him touch me on his own accord. I can reach out and hug him, but I don't want him touching me. I've turned into psycho wife, insisting on him never being without me now, no texting my friends unless I see, and no alcohol. It's only been 3 days but he's been good... but let's be serious here. It's been three days! Of course he's still terrified...
I think some day he's going to leave me for good. I'm tired - I don't want anyone else. I love him, the stupid jerk, and I just am totally lost. Do you ever stop thinking about how he held her when he touches you? Can this be forgotten, or at least passed by to some degree?
Oh Lord, help.
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