[chaya]

I very much need to attend a 7 day Sesshin retreat at the Yokoji Zen Mountain Center. I have become confused in my goals and need to find my true path. It's not that I'm unhappy with my marriage and my life but I always feel guilty for my attachment to material things and behaviors that I enjoy too much.

I told my husband that I want to go to the retreat, he don't understand my need. He has not yet told me I can't go but I'm afraid he will. I feel that if I don't do something soon to integrate the two lives i have been trying to live, I will go crazy. I've tried to do this alone but I can't do it. The sesshin starts September 4 so i need to convince him soon.

[jns]

I think it would be good for you to go on the retreat as you need to clear your head about a few things and get some spiritual guidance from a teacher who should be able to help. I don't have a ready made case to present. Let me think on it and I might come up with something by tomorrow. My Thai wife is also Buddhist and I did my best to keep the ties with her religion alive as I felt that she would need that familiarity to help adjust to married life, life away from her family and life in another country (USA). How does your husband view your religious self and your religion?

[oxy-moron]

Grasshopper
You must tell your husband you want him to come with you.
He will then think it is a good idea for you to go by yourself.

[chaya]

After hours of talking (arguing) with my husband, he has agreed that I can attend the retreat. I have already mailed my application and called in my visa payment for a confirmed reservation.

I don't feel that my husband has much respect for my religion. That is probably my fault, I made the case that Buddhism is not really a religion because we don't believe in a god and don't worship or prey to any supernatural being. Buddha was a teacher that taught his followers how to find their "Buddha nature" within themselves and thus achieve enlightenment.

I didn't suggest that he go to the retreat with me because I am afraid he would do it. The retreat would be useless to me if he accompanied me. I need to isolate myself from my present life and surroundings. The retreat center is a perfect place, it is very isolated and primitive. They are so far from civilization that they are off the power grid and the only telephone available to guests is for incoming emergency calls, cell phones don't work.

Now my only problem is what to wear. The clothes I wear will be impotent because I need to be fully committed to the Sesshin. I would prefer to wear a Samue style top and pants in black or brown. That would be hard to find around here so I called my sister in Hawaii and told her to find me 3 outfits along with the proper undergarments. I'm waiting for her to call me back.

[Ashlee T.]

Good for you. Make the most out of it. And yes, I agree that it's time to bring the real chaya out, and live ONE life, to accept you for who you are and expect others to do to the same. Enjoy it!

[CHANDLERS WISH]

It's very difficult isn't it, trying to juggle for someone else. You can't, there is no reason why each of you can have your own beliefs but always be true to yourself, we live once in this body and we don't live for someone else, rather compromise for each other, however continue to be ourselves.

Not going you are not true to yourself, or being yourself.

I don't see why there was an arguement, you do not try to stop his beliefs... And, maybe you should remind him of same.

[jns]

Grasshopper
You must tell your husband you want him to come with you.
He will then think it is a good idea for you to go by yourself.

I thought this was a good suggestion.

I didn't suggest that he go to the retreat with me because I am afraid he would do it. The retreat would be useless to me if he accompanied me. I need to isolate myself from my present life and surroundings.

Too bad your tradition doesn't have some of the traditions of Thai Theravada Buddhism such as the shaving of the head and eyebrows of monks, even those who are going to be monks for a day or several days. If that is what would happen, it would be unlikely your husband would want to go. (Many years ago I was one of many cutting a lock of hair from my nephew when he became a monk for a year.)

[chaya]

It's very difficult isn't it, trying to juggle for someone else. You can't, there is no reason why each of you can have your own beliefs but always be true to yourself, we live once in this body and we don't live for someone else, rather compromise for each other, however continue to be ourselves.

Not going you are not true to yourself, or being yourself.

I don't see why there was an arguement, you do not try to stop his beliefs... And, maybe you should remind him of same.

When it comes to compromise, it seems to me that I do all the compromising while he does very little. That is not his fault, it is because I am a Buddhist and he is a Christian. Someone with such deep rooted beliefs as me should have married another Buddhist, or not married at all. If things had been different I could have been happy as a Buddhist nun. It it too late now, I am so much in love with my husband I would die before I would give him up.

[chaya]

I thought this was a good suggestion.

Too bad your tradition doesn't have some of the traditions of Thai Theravada Buddhism such as the shaving of the head and eyebrows of monks, even those who are going to be monks for a day or several days. If that is what would happen, it would be unlikely your husband would want to go. (Many years ago I was one of many cutting a lock of hair from my nephew when he became a monk for a year.)

Soto Zen monks and nuns are not required to shave their head, but some still do. I was looking in the mirror trying to visualize how I would look with my head shaved. I also wonder if my husband would even sleep with me if I shaved it. Not to worry, I like my hair and have been encouraging it to grow longer.

[chaya]

Good for you. Make the most out of it. And yes, I agree that it's time to bring the real chaya out, and live ONE life, to accept you for who you are and expect others to do to the same. Enjoy it!

It is possible I will be a very different person when I return. For one thing, I will be a vegetarian. I have been thinking about giving up meat eating for a while now.

If the truth be known, the real chaya should have been a Buddhist nun.