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What to do if husband is addicted to porn?

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  • What to do if husband is addicted to porn?

    I really need advice and I don't want to go to my friends, so I figured this would be a good place to go. The day after my husband and I got married , he was in the shower and his friend sent him a text that said "ha wankdb.com". I was curious so I looked at the text and my husband had asked him what the name of the porn site was they had been discussing at our wedding. I got curious and checked our computer and there were hundreds of porn sites he would look at each day while I was and work and he was at home (he couldn't find a job at the time). I confronted him about it and he promised he wouldn't look at them ever again, but he had been addicted to porn as a teenager and since he was nervous about our wedding it was his "comfort". I said that was fine and we dropped it. This has been going on for over a year now though. He did stop going to porn sites (that I know of for about a month), but then I caught him again. He would stop for a week (that I know of) then he would look again. At first he would look at it on our computer, then he figured out I knew how to look up cookies and he couldn't figure out how to delete them, so he started doing it on his phone. I just realized a few days ago, there was a way to look at purchase history on an iphone and it showed him downloading "google search" 2-3 times a day then deleting it (which is how he once told me he looked at porn since he couldn't on safari and me not see it in the history). He even gets on craigslist personals almost everyday to look at the naked pictures girls post. It has gotten so bad recently, we have even stopped having sex. I actually just went upstairs to ask him what he wanted for dinner because he told me he needed to study for his class tomorrow and I caught him jacking off to porn. We're only 22 and 25 so I don't know why he would want to stop having sex with me for images on a computer screen. I don't know what to do? I've suggested counseling, but he refuses to do it. I don't want to divorce him because I truly do love him, but I'm just so confused! Any advice from anyone who may be going through the same thing, or has gone through this in that past?

  • If he's officially addicted to porn then only a therapist can help him. No matter what you do and no matter how many times a day you'll have sex, he'll always watch it unless he accepts therapy. There's nothing else you can do but convince him to go to a therapist.

    As for sex, you can withhold that for as long as you can, he's not worth your time in bed with this attitude.

    Comment


    • Like every other addiction, there is nothing you can do...including convincing him to do anything.

      He has to want to get help for himself.

      You can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink.

      Comment


      • I agree. My husband enjoys porn as well and as far as I know will never give it up. Your fighting a losing battle here.

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        • Dear KM13,

          I have been married more years than you have been alive and have battled with the very same thing you are going through right now for that length of time. I am now divorcing my husband not only because he chose sexual fantasy over me but also for his habitual selfish behavior in doing what he wants with disregard of the impact it has on his family.

          That said, in retrospect there was a correlation between my husband's frequency in viewing pornographic sites and lack of sexual interest in me. This happened quite a few times. I have three children and have always had curves. I am 5'7" and have consistently worn a size six or eight. At one point I was trying so hard to be attractive to him, yearning for his attention and went down to a size 2 and 110 pounds. I am a woman not a teenage girl. I wouldn't even assume that possible. Yet, that has become my husband's fantasy. He is in his mid-fifties and the images of the girls he is pleasuring himself to look to be half the age of our 31 year old daughter. His choices to indulge his fantasies knowing full well just how much it hurt me was at the cost of our marriage.

          I refuse to love a man who is unworthy of my love. He lied to me by telling me he wasn't going to those sites and went so far as to deny it when I confronted him about it. He became secretive by hiding his habit after telling me he would stop. He played mind games with me to project the blame onto me. He accused me of planting those sites on his computer history. He betrayed me because his desire for those women caused him to withdraw from me. At first it was just disinterest now he becomes flaccid if he even touches me. He refuses to go to therapy because he feels he has done nothing wrong. Yet, he is in favor of going to marriage counseling even though he confesses this will aways be his fantasy. Not good enough.

          My fundamental aversion to his habit is based upon a history of being sexually molested as a child and adolescent girl. I would not state porn is wrong on generality alone but it isn't right in this house because both parties didn't mutually consent to it being okay. If it is mutually consented upon that is a different scenario. It wasn't and it was hurtful.

          You have choices as does he. He enjoys pornography and chooses not to quit. You have made it clear to him that this is hurtful to you. He refuses to accept this as his problem because he isn't getting hurt over it, you are. Is that love on either side? Is it enough love for you? Is it okay with you to remain with a man who disregards your pain to indulge his own pleasures? Is that how he expresses his love for you? Is that enough for you? Take it from someone who has endured this for YEARS. Either you accept his indulgences or you won't. Those are your choices. If you wish to be at peace and choose to remain with this man, accept his sexual fantasies come as a part of the package. If you can't accept that and choose to remain with this man, accept a lifetime of hurt as long as you are with him. If that price is too high to pay then he it isn't worth staying with him.

          I stayed for years and it nearly broke me. It cost me my self-esteem, a broken heart and lost years of my life. Now, I have a sense of tranquility I never knew before. I treasure this sense of peace I now have in my life. No more wondering why. No more suspicions. No more feelings of betrayal. No more feeling inadequate. No more hurt. No more lies. No more secrecy. No more mind games. Just peace. I wish it hadn't taken me so long to get here but it did and there is no going back. I said no more because I realized I had the power to stop the emotional abuse I had endured for years. My fantasy was to be enough for my husband. My reality was he wasn't enough for me. My new found reality is peace and tranquility is possible and impossible to embrace for as long as I accepted the emotional abuse that came along with being married to him.

          I wish you well in whatever decision you make but know pursuit of your happiness is your journey to take not his. Recovery and recognition of an addiction is his journey to take not yours. Accepting reality of what is exceeds expectations of how things should be. Happiness comes when you embrace those truths and though painful at first even making those difficult decisions by accepting the hard truths is the first step in pursuit of happiness. Disappointment comes when you think you have the power to change the behavior of others who don't want to change.

          Good luck,
          Hurtwife

          Comment


          • I personally like porn, probably more than my bf, but if it became like what you and hurtwife have described I would crack it bigtime! Why do women put up with so much . Put your foot down! Tell him it stops and he gets help or you go! Start packing a box of his stuff and throw it out the front. U have to show that you are serious! Get mad!!!!!
            If I knew where I was going I would already be there
            I wish I had more time. Judicious, beautiful, augmented, whatever.
            I've always been afraid to die, but I think I'm more afraid to live. (BC, SP)

            "I would go out tonight, but i havent got a stitch to wear!" Morissey

            Comment


            • Elanor-Jane,

              Sadly, here in America there is no legal protection for those who are emotionally abused. Domestic abuse is limited to physical assaults. So, if someone physically harms you there are legal consequences but no protection from being emotionally assaulted. And as far as throwing his stuff out... Here's another injustice. I did just that and when the police arrived I was told I had to bring my husband's belongings back in the house. It is his primary residence and he had every right to keep his belongings in my home and I had no right to remove them. So, I had to pay for his stuff to be stored in a climate controlled facility to get his stuff out of the house ($393.00 for three months). That was the price to get him out.

              You can't kick someone out of the house if you are married to them. You have to essentially depend upon their generosity to willingly leave. And they are legally entitled to enter the home at will for so long as you are married. Divorce attorneys advice women not to vacate their home due to the risk of the court regarding that act as abandoning their dwelling thereby forfeiting possession of the property to the spouse. I know of 5 women who have had to endure anywhere between 1 - 3 years of going through a divorce while forced to co-habitate with the man they were divorcing. That situation just fuels the potential of violence. Furthermore, it is not emotionally healthy for children to be raised in such an environment. Sadly, that is the way it is. Eviction of a spouse and removal of his/her belongings is not possible until such time as one party has been physically assaulted. Oh yes, and if the assault transpires as a result of an argument it may be considered enticement of an aggressive act with no charges brought against the one who threw the blow.

              That pretty much sums it up. Stay or leave but you can't force your spouse to do it.

              Stinks huh?

              Hurtwife

              Comment


              • Thank you everyone for the advice. And I'm so sorry hurtwife. I don't think I could handle going through this for years like you've had to. I've realized it isn't going to ever get better. He won't admit he has a problem and I can't get him to stop. I even caught him again today. If he does it this much when I'm at home, I don't even want to know had bad it is when I leave the house.

                Comment


                • km13,

                  I overlooked it because it was inconceivable for anyone who loved me to be so cruel to me. Everyone has a limit. Some people have less tolerance than others. But perhaps some have greater clarity in some areas of their lives than others. Who knows? Ultimately, the decision is yours alone to make because you alone are the one who has to live with the outcome of the decisions made. I would just advise you to weight it all out. He says he loves you but is that love enough for you? He knows it is hurting you but he places his needs above yours. Is that acceptable to you? It is not an issue about who is right and who is wrong. The issue is this... His decisions are hurting you. Are his indulgences worthy of your pain? Do you want to live like this for the rest of your marriage?

                  I stayed in this marriage because I overlooked indiscretions. I remained here because I had sick children who needed their mother while they were in the hospital. I am grateful for every moment I had with them. I was there when they came to this earth and I was there when they died. No mother could ask for more. My situation is extreme. The situation is different now. I have claimed the mantra "I would rather be alone than be lonely". I was lonely in my marriage, now I am alone but feel a sense of peace in my life I didn't know before.

                  The best advice I could give you is for YOU to seek counseling. You can't make him go to counseling anymore than you have been able to change him. You are hurt. I would even go so far as to say you are a victim of emotional abuse. Those who are abused often rebound into abusive relationships because they have issues of their own to deal with. I know it isn't easy. But ask yourself this... Are you in love with this man or are you in love with an illusion of who you believe this man to be? Does love hurt, dishonor, disrespect and betray? The love I know doesn't.

                  Forgiveness requires the person who his being forgiven to have a repentant heart. It also requires you to be willing to relent negative emotions such as suspicions and doubts. Remorse is not enough. Remorse may be limited to remorse for the hurt he caused you or remorse for getting caught but repentance is a totally different situation. The proof of repentance is loyalty to the promise. He doesn't go back because he gets it. The proof of relenting is letting it go without bringing it up again. Only then can reconciliation occur. If you have to go through this time and time again you are dealing with a pathological situation. It will worsen not improve. You alone have the capacity to decide.

                  Hurtwife

                  Comment


                  • Originally posted by km13 View Post
                    Thank you everyone for the advice. And I'm so sorry hurtwife. I don't think I could handle going through this for years like you've had to. I've realized it isn't going to ever get better. He won't admit he has a problem and I can't get him to stop. I even caught him again today. If he does it this much when I'm at home, I don't even want to know had bad it is when I leave the house.
                    If you can't handle it now, you never will, it will only get worse.

                    Don't expect him to admit he has a problem, he has to admit it to himself first and then you. By the looks of it he hasn't understood a thing.
                    In many cases the harder you try to help them get over this the more addicted they become, whether intentionally or not. The more you talk to them about how it hurts you the more they hide it and swear they've quit.

                    Hurtwife is right, not having to worry about this, even if it means being alone, makes one feel very peaceful. It gives your self-esteem back, it makes you sleep better at nights and it saves you from all those nights when he's snoring with his back turned to you while you're crying in the same bed.

                    Only you know what is best for you, you know your husband better. But our experiences haven't been worth the effort. 2 years in this forum I never read about a wife/girlfriend who managed to feel alright about her partner watching porn after telling him she felt hurt by it. It doesn't happen in every relationship, but once it happens it stays forever.

                    Comment


                    • Grrr. Leave him!! Seriously....LEAVE him. Please help yourself . U deserve better

                      Comment


                      • Originally posted by ms.donna View Post
                        Grrr. Leave him!! Seriously....LEAVE him. Please help yourself . U deserve better
                        ms.donna on another thread you wrote this:-

                        I don't need this in my life, over and over. He still did it. So, one day he came home to me moaning and rubbing myself to two nude hot male porn , he was hurt. And finnnnnnaly understood. After that he was done.
                        You stated that assisted obviously in your other half, stopping porn altogether.. Referencing because you are not being consistent in your replies

                        WH likes to think it's family orientated, offering any form of opinions that may work.. That worked for you it may work for someone else, it may not work for others.. But reverse physcology can be a good thing..


                        Leaving someone should be the last resort OP, I can see that he will not listen but it appears that he doesn't believe it's an addiction, rather something he feels is harmless. It's not harmless, as it's effecting YOU.. I wonder if you were to state, to him that you feel that he has no respect for you, by continuing to do something that you are not happy with, and so, you are taking time out so he can re-view what constitutes a marriage of togetherness, whether he would think on it more and talk about it properly with you...I'd pack some things and go and stay with a family member for a couple of weeks and let him see what it is like to be on his own.

                        CW
                        PUT A LITTLE 'LIKE' IN MY SOUL!

                        Comment


                        • i know how everyone feels, i dont know what to do , my husband is addicted to porn,he downloads porn movies and i am sure its over 1000 movies he as.. and he is still downloading and burning them off and hiding them all over the place in our home. i ask him about it and why he does it , his answer is always i dont know, i dont remember... i just like it.. even do he knows i hate it and it only hurts me and i am sick of his lies, i ask him to throw them away and he always says ok and but i always find the same movies just hide somewhere else and now i keep finding more new movies ... he sleeps on the sofa, and never gives me kiss before going to work and never tells me he loves me anymore like he use too... i got to the point i dont know what to do anymore, i ask him to go get help and i told him i even go with him if he wanted too.... i just dont know what to do, i been not eating , i been trying to lose weight and do my hair and things to see if its me, but nothing seems to work anymore, because of the lies and porn he is turning me from sex altogether.
                          Last edited by hurtandstressed wife; 06-04-2012, 01:16 PM.

                          Comment


                          • Did you end up leaving your husband? I'm having the same problem. I literally don't know what to do anymore! I'm exhausted it's been a year and 1/2 of marriage and I have caught him at least 7 times! And always lies to my face about it! Until I finally point it out to him that I know witch sites he's been on! I truly do love him but it's getting hard when he lies to my face that he will stop! I told him if I ever catch it again I'm getting a divorce because I can't handle it anymore. But I could never follow through with it. Nothing scares him. He's just keeps doing it! And I'm a sexual person I love having sex with him! I can go all day if he would want to! But some times he even rejects me and that makes me feel horrible! I don't know what to do anymore! Please help! I need all the advice I can get!

                            Comment


                            • Permit me to ask a few questions. Is it the pornography you object to or has he been rejecting you in favor of porn? Do you link any other issues in your marriage to the porn?

                              Most men can watch porn without it affecting their marriage. Since it has become a major issue, the two of you need to communicate and compromise. I suggest seeing a couples therapist.
                              "The only consistent feature of all of your dissatisfying relationships is you." Despair.com "Dysfunction"

                              Comment

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