[FML08]

Anyone gone through something like this or have advice?...

Husband and I have been together for 6 years. We have no children. About 8 months ago I found out he was having an emotional affair that turned sexual with a woman he works with. This had been going on for 2 months. When I found out, I immediately left him and filed for divorce. We have been living apart ever since, yet still remained friends and kept in touch. There was a 2 month time frame during that time apart where we had no contact with one another and we mutually dated other people. Well, a couple months ago, we bagan talking again and becoming almost as we were before the affair. He wanted to get something off his chest that had been bothering him before we got serious again...He told me during the time apart, he had gotten back in contact with the woman he cheated on me with and she became pregnant. Because she already has 2 children with no father in their lives, and my husband told her he does not love her and will not be with her, she agreed to get an abortion. They went through abortion counseling, and she was left in the room to get the abortion. Well, 3 months later she tells him she never got the abortion and she is still pregnant.
He is a wreck. He is very upset with her, and doesn't know what to do.
I have been a complete mess since I found out that she kept the baby behind his back and is just now telling him. We have been back together and everything is great. Now this other woman is having HIS child. I know I have no right to tell him to disregard the child and not be in it's life, but I also know that it isn't the child's fault this is happening.
I told him that if he has ANYTHING to do with this child, then I am out of the picture and cannot deal with it. He assures me that if I stay with him, he will not be a part of the child or that woman's life. I personally cannot and will not be with him if he acknowledges this child as his. (Yes of course he will do paternity test)
I love him and truely want to be with him, but I am also prepared (as hard as it is) to leave him.
My question is...Can I believe that he wont have anything to do with the baby like he says? Or will he tell me this and his feelings will change if he sees the child. He told me he will not be at delivery nor sign any papers. He said he will act as this never happened and the child is not his. Is this possible? A man's point of view would be great as well.
Thanks everyone.

[Mes T]

Hi there. This is a VERY tough one. First off I'm not sure why you two have gotten back together? You broke up for a very valid reason (an emotional affair AND a physical one, wow). How do you know he won't revert back to his old behavior once he thinks he's got you in the bag again?

As for the child. We've got to remember that this will soon become a new human being who has had NO say and NO control over its own creation, or who its parents are - NOTHING. Is it fair for you to demand that this child's father choose to not be in its life? Do you think your partner's love problems compare, at all, to a child losing a father?

I think you can see my point of view on this. I think you're painting yourself in a very bad light, taking this child's father away. Which is unfair because this entire situation is NOT FAIR to YOU either.

You are the loser, the poor child is the loser, and your partner is smiling and free to walk with no consequences.

My advice is leave the relationship for good, frankly.

I hope I haven't come across as too harsh. I'm sorry you're going through this, really.

[Elanor-Jane]

It sucks that he did that to you but it isn't fair to hold that over someone. She had every right to keep that child and unfortunatly he owes a moral responsibility to that child. Poor kid doesn't deserve to grow up knowing his dad doesn't want him/her because he was stupid enough to knock up mum...and even though she decided to keep it he stuck it there so it's still his responsibility.

As harsh as this may sound, what if you were in her shoes? I wouldn't trust him as far as I could throw him as far as the cheating goes and it's unrealistic to expect someone to not ever want a connection with your own child (it's not like he was a donor he slept with the mother) plus would u really want to be with someone who could 1:cheat on you and 2: disregard their own flesh and blood?

It sounds as tho he's just back with u as it's the easiest option for him.

I feel bad for you but a kind, gracious person would let him be a part of the Childs life---it's parents may be hopeless but it deserves better.

[FML08]

You didn't come off as too harsh. Thanks for the reply. To answer your quesitons:
We got back together because I just followed my heart. Although I left him when I found out, it showed him that it only takes once, and I WILL leave. He lost everything in that time, including our home. I was willing to give the man another chance because I didn't want it to be over. Although I was upset when he told me she had gotten pregnant while we were apart, that was not a factor when deciding to get back together with him, because: A) She got an abortion and there would be no child in the picture (So we thought at the time) and B) We were legally separated, and he had every right at that time to see other people, as did I.
This is really a very tough spot I am in, but I know deep down that it most likely will result in me leaving. He knows how I feel about the other child that is on the way, but I told him it's his decision on being part of the child's life, but I did let him know that I cannot be around for that. He made his own decision not to be apart of the child's life because as far as he knew, she had aborted it. So he is still having trouble wrapping his mind that it is actually coming. Denial I guess. As for me, yes I do feel bad for the child that has to come into the world like this, but I guess I am just hoping and praying deep down that it turns out not to be his afterall and this is just a bad dream that can be left behind. Although I know I will leave him if it is his child, I am holding onto every grimice of hope and enjoying my time with him until that day comes that the child indeed is his and he will take part in it's life. :-(

[Little]

I would not want to be with a man who would choose ANY woman over his child, wife or not. He has a responsibility to the life he has made.

[Ashlee T.]

This relationship shouldn't be. Between you two. If ANY relationship requires someone to make a lifelong commitment of having nothing to do with their own child, it is no relationship worth having.

I understand why you feel the way you do. But your requirements are not reasonable and are very unfair to this little child who has had no control over any of this. It is further proof, that if that is what you're going to need in order to feel secure in your relationship, you simply don't need to be in it.

[orchiddreams]

I think the real issue is that he gave you up for another woman. Child or no child. Except with this child, if he so chooses to be apart of it's life, will be a constant reminder to you of that fact. This is the decision he made when he chose to sleep with her and not take precautions. This woman may have trapped him into being a father figure to not only his child (if that is in fact his child) but the other two she Already has.

This is a toxic energy in your relationship not only with him, but with yourself. Every child deserves their parents. It's not about him denying the existence of that child. When she demands child support that will be withheld from your family and potential children.

Things can get messy real fast. It sounds like the deciding factor for you was that she would have aborted. She hasn't and now it's time to reconsider your decision again. It might be tough but do what's right for you.

[stressed]

1) You either stay with him, accept that the child will be around for the rest of your life, accept that he's going to support it, and deal with insecurity and trust issues to rebuild your relationship.

or

2) You let him be with the choices he made, the child he has and the woman he chose to cheat on you with, or somebody new.

The child is probably his and I'd advice you to start keeping your distance from him if you're considering breaking up. It's going to be a lot worse if you reconnect in an imaginary relationship where there is no child involved. You won't be happy if you stay with him and this affair cannot be forgotten when a child is involved. You also cannot and should not keep him away from his child, that would be worse than the affair and the divorced combined. If he is the father, which he most likely is, then he has to act like a father too. You cannot "delete" a child from its parents' minds.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Have the two of you discussed why the emotional, then sexual affair came into play? You can either lose on this or build a better foundation of understanding and working together in that understanding, life is still about lessons, although personally I am not sure if I would go back with someone whom cheated on me.

But, who knows..Emotional affairs to me, start out because something is dramatically missing in someones life, flirting and lusting is not an emotional affair...

The woman from the sounds of it was "told" to have the abortion by your husband in my opinion, went through with the motions but deep down inside, either had always decided to keep it, or then decided to keep it, given she has two other children whoms Father is not involved in their lives.

To many "children" grow up and seek out their parents because they feel something is missing, imagine those three children coming to terms at some point in their life, that they have one Mother but three different Fathers, none of which any of them know, how will those children feel?

This is tricky, because in my opinion, it's not the "woman" he should ever connect with again, and with trust, it won't happen, but this child? The difference you two can make in its life by choosing to be a part of his/her life, could be amazing for you, it's "his" child, if I were you I would seriously think this through and forget about her totally... A life, a part of him, that you can be a part of, a difference in this childs life, that they know their Father and a difference in your life, that you have a step child, your child as well that you can help through life...

It's easy to just see "her" ..... your husband was irresponsible to not use a condom...And, your husband was wrong for not talking things through with you when things got tough...But, a child should never be a consideration of anger, over a woman whom obviously doesn't care whom she sleeps with, it's a child, it's not the childs fault...You can do good here....

[Calicorado83]

Wow, what a very hard situation for everyone involved.

... she agreed to get an abortion. They went through abortion counseling, and she was left in the room to get the abortion. Well, 3 months later she tells him she never got the abortion and she is still pregnant.

Question, who paid for the abortion? If your husband happened to pay ANY money at all towards this abortion, and she ended up not having it (leading him on to think she did) then I'm sure she could get in serious trouble with the law. You might look into this with your husband, talk to an attorney. I don't know much about how the law works in this kind of situation, but it seems there has to be a law out there to protect a man from something like this, if he did happen to pay any money towards it. It sounds like he might've considering they went to counseling together and agreed on it together. (When my ex and I agreed on an abortion, he came with me to the clinic and paid half of the cost.)

I told him that if he has ANYTHING to do with this child, then I am out of the picture and cannot deal with it. He assures me that if I stay with him, he will not be a part of the child or that woman's life. I personally cannot and will not be with him if he acknowledges this child as his.

I don't blame you at all here. Not only did he hurt you by having an affair, now his mistake is causing a big mess not just for him, but for YOU also, and you didn't do anything wrong. Even if he did get her pregnant while you two were seperated, he chose to make the mistake in the first place. He then did not feel bad enough about his mistake and went back to the SAME woman. Now he is in a mess and is looking for your support. You are the stable woman in his life that he is wanting to count on.

If it were me, I would just walk away now. He has already hurt you once, now his mistakes are going to do nothing but hurt you even more.