[Cyndie32]

it has been 10 weeks since i gave new life to my life change (diet). i have lost about 15 lbs. since my marriage in 2009 i have lost about 39 lbs. my son, who is in the military, asked me to his dance. he is flying me to texas, renting me a car, and a room and is planning everything. so i needed something to wear. i wasn't sure what i was going to get. i have never liked dresses but i was going to look at all my options. so a good friend and me went shopping. i tried on many different things and realized that i looked pretty good in a dress. i hadn't wore a dress in probably 15 years because i have always felt uncomfortable. my husband and i got married at the court house in 2009, when i was at my heaviest. i told him i would not wear a dress. i hated them.

so last nite, when i got home, i was so excited about how i looked in that dress. i felt really good and wanted to share that feeling with my husband. so i tried the outfit on for him. he looked at me and said, "i thought you said you hated dresses and would never wear one" i said that i did but doesnt it look pretty. he said i see, you can wear a dress for your son. so i still tried to hold onto the elation that i felt when i got home and let it go. i then told him i was going to bed and he asked me what what wrong, so i told him that he kind of hurt my feelings by not telling me that i looked nice, or beautiful, or any number of things beside i thought you hated dresses. he said well you did tell me you hated dresses. and i didn't want to argue so i went to bed.

he slept on the couch last nite. so this morning after i got ready for work i new i was getting the silent treatment. you know... not ignoring but one word answers. he swore nothing was wrong and i finally told him that i have know you for 4 years, i know when there is something bothering you. he said well your right, there is. he said that he just don't know what to say to me anymore. he said he feels like he has to analyze every word. i explained to him how that when i was 179 lbs. that i felt horrible in a dress and now that i have lost weight, i feel better. i also told him that i knew he didn't mean to hurt my feelings last nite. he just yelled at me and said can we just leave it alone? so i got up and gave him a kiss, told him that i loved him (with no response from him) and left for work. so now, a evening that was my reward to myself for being so diligent on my weight loss, turned into a sad time. i feel like i was robbed of a moment that should have felt amazing.

i am pretty sure that this is NOT about the dress and i am pretty sure it is about his insecurity. he is right. we have had similar situations before where something he says hurts my feeling and i confront him about it. somehow he always makes me feel bad for getting my feelings hurt. somehow, someway, i get hurt more for being (or at least showing) hurt. i don't know how to fix this. 99.9 % of our relationship is amazing. this is just a small part. but it is driving me and him apart. therefore, needs to be fixed. any suggestions on what i can do?

[KMonte85]

You are so right that this is NOT about the dress... and please don't let communication problems hinder how you feel about yourself in your new outfit. They are in no way related, and you KNOW you look faboosh in that dress... keep that feeling alive!

As for the miscommunication issues, I'm a bit confused by his reaction! Yes, he should have said you looked nice. Even when you brought up exactly what you were looking for he couldn't bring himself to compliment, and instead got angry. His reaction is a bit irrational to me... what happened was definitely not worth yelling and arguing over. He could have just said "oh, sorry - yes you look beautiful!" and been done with it. Now it has been turned into a fight about who's more right.

I'm not sure how to fix this since he seems so very sensitive to any criticism. Perhaps, when his temper has calmed a bit, you can gently bring it up again saying you think the conversation got a bit out of hand, and you'd like to talk about how you two can talk to each other more effectively so small miscommunications don't turn into senseless arguments. Ask him what it was that you said that set him off and why. Tell him what it was that he said that hurt your feelings and why... be nonjudgemental, listen, and ask for the same courtesy.

Of course this will only work if he's open to an honest, non-confrontational conversation!!!

[Cyndie32]

and kmonte, you are right. it would have been as simple as that. you look beautiful. or look how much weight youve lost, i told him how to fix it. and he refused. not last nite, but in the recent past, he has said that he hates to hurt my feelings and that is why it bothers him so. i know he is afraid he will lose me. he hasnt gotten over the pain from the divorce from his ex wife 6 years ago. he blames himself, i believe. so when this happens in our relationship he feels like it is ending. i have told him that i am in it for the long haul and that i love him more than anything but it hasn't seems to help.

[Guest]

no, don't take back the dress. Wear it loud and wear it proud my dear...you have earned that right.

This is not a YOU problem...this is a HIM problem. So let HIM get over it. Don't allow HIM to drag you down.

I know it's easier said than done, but try it, you may like it.

If he's going to take everything you say so literally, "I thought you said you hate dresses" (as an example), then he is the one who will be missing out and not you.

Go to the dance, drive the car, do whatever...have a freakin' ball. You've earned it and you deserve it.

Congratulations on your weight loss!! A terrific achievement that should be celebrated !!

[Ashlee T.]

I totally agree with the above posters Cyndie. I think your husband is a great guy, but there is some insecurity there or some jealousy that he's unfortunately expressing in this way. You're not "wearing a dress for your son", you're wearing a dress because you've lost a tremendous amount of weight and now feel GOOD in one, and the occasion permits it. He should be proud of you.

When's the last time he asked you to dress up and go out somewhere fancy for dinner? Unless he's done that since your weight loss and you've rejected him, he truly has little grounds to say anything here.

You have nothing to feel bad about. I mean, literally, this is like trying brussel sprouts when you're 20 and thinking they are gross, then 10 years later trying them again and enjoying the flavor and someone saying "Ugh..I thought you said you HATED brussel sprouts". Sounds silly when you put it in that perspective huh?

Sure, you hated dresses when you didn't feel good about yourself in them. It's kinda like hating Valentines Day when you don't have a partner. Chances are, he's just afraid YOU will change. "First it's dresses, then it'll be skimpy low cut tops and short skirts, then before you know it she'll be leaving me for some body builder. "

Don't you dare take that dress back Cyndie...don't you dare. I wanna see a pic of you in it!!!

[Cyndie32]

i did try and explain to him that i would have bought the same dress if him and i had a wedding or something to go to. you are right. i do feel amazing in that dress and it is not for my son, it is not for the occasion,...... it is for me. i just wish i knew how to help my hubby be more confident in our relationship. i know hes been hurt before. but we all have. i think after 4 years of proving to be trustworthy, that i should be trusted. just really sad. makes me want to cry to know he don't feel as safe in our relationship as i do. i want to be able to give him that comfort but can't if he wont accept it.

[Ashlee T.]

I just want to spank him (and not in a good way, haha) for stealing your thunder right now and trying to replace it with negativity.

The skinnier you get, the more insecure he's probably going to get. Is that me telling you to stop losing weight? NO!!! Because you losing weight is about YOU, your health, your future, your ability to be there for kids and future grandkids, your ability to feel alive and vibrant and GOOD. Basically, your life depends on it. What I'm saying is that now is the time to either a. learn how to effectively reassure him and b. learn how to take his underhanded jealousy comments with a grain of salt and not to heart.

I know that he has his moments in which he's very supportive, lets you know he's proud of you, etc. But then he has moments like this one, in which for whatever reason he's feeling down on himself, insecure...and so he takes it out on you. You are MUCH too beautiful a soul to be drug through the mud because of someones ego. So take that control back. Wear that dress. Wear many more. Hold your head high and know that you are not only GORGEOUS on the outside, but even more gorgeous on the inside. You're a true, rare stone.......... he's just afraid of losing you. But he needs to understand that saying ugly things to someone, stealing their thunder, raining on their parade, is not the way to keep them in your life.

[Cyndie32]

how do i learn how to effectively reassure him? i just want him to realize that i am not going anywhere. i love him with all my heart. i get excited about my weight loss for many reasons. one of which is the way i see him looking at me. it is exciting to see him excited about me. i enjoy knowing he longs for me. i love knowing he wants me. how do i show him that i will not leave? i know........ this is his problem but i am so afraid that if we don't fix it he will go. and he is the love of my life. i have told him i won't leave, i have shown him with 4 years that i won't leave, my past marriage lasted 20 years, every day i do something for him so he knows how much he means to me. i don't really know if there is anything i havn't done. i have asked him what i can do to help him trust i am not going anywhere, he said he does not know. so i guess i am just lost. i feel as tho he took from me a moment. it has put me in a funk that i can't seem to shake. i have done nothing but sit here and mope. i need to exercise but can't today. when i get out of work i have to go to the grocery, probably won't be home till around 8 this evening. i think i will just write today off and start all over tomorrow.

[Ashlee T.]

Good question. I think effective reassurance is both sincere AND firm. He needs to know that the way he reacted to you last night was damaging. He needs to know it's unacceptable. At the same time, he needs to know that no matter how much weight you lose he will always be your one and only love. BUT he needs to be willing to admit what his problem is before you can address it. If he is indeed worried you will change and then leave him, he needs to say it. Otherwise, you're playing a guessing game and it leaves you little to work with.

Living in fear that your relationship may end is no way to live Cyndie. If he IS the love of your life, then he's not going to leave just because he's afraid you will. This is when your own insecurities surface too...and its important to realize those and work on them too.

When you've pulled yourself out of the funk, tell him you'd like to talk. If he says "about what?", then say "About what's been going on between us lately...". This is your opportunity to calmly open up the floor for him to express himself...and HOPEFULLY he will take the opportunity to tell you what is truly bothering him". Then, if it is indeed insecurity resulting from your new body and attitude, then it's your chance to say, "I love you. And no matter how much I weigh, my eyes don't change, I still think you are the sexiest man I know...my heart doesn't change, I have more love for you than you can ever imagine. I need you to love me for me, and I need to know that you're going to love me and be proud of me and happy for me that I am focusing on being a healthier person so that I can be the best person for you I can be."

[Cyndie32]

now ya make me cry bd. you totally get it. thanks.