Women's Health Interactive Forums

  • If this is your first visit, be sure to check out the FAQ by clicking the link above. You may have to register before you can post: click the register link above to proceed. To start viewing messages, select the forum that you want to visit from the selection below.


No announcement yet.

What defines domestic violence???

  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • What defines domestic violence???

    Ok.. here is my story.... My fiance' and I had a fight before I went to work.. he was still very mad then I went to work.. and so was I.. when I got off of work that day I called him to see if he had gotten over it and he had NOT.. So I made the decision to not stay at his house that night, but I did need to get my cell phone charger.. against my better judgment I went out there.... He was still mad and so was I... When I got out there to get my stuff he started calling me names and I quickly went into the house to get my things... I got my things and quickly exited his house...As I was walking out of his house I noticed his beer sitting on the driveway unopened and I kicked it.. not hard.. just enough to move it about 3 feet... it really mad him made and he pushed me with both hands in the back and I fell down. I skinned my elbow and it was bleeding, and it hurt my shoulder and also knocked my glasses off my face. I got up and left. When I got to my car I called the police and long story short.. he went to jail.
    So that is the event..... Now.... we are dealing with the aftermath... UGH! So he is charged with Domestic Violence... and it is going to cost him around $3,000 to take care of this... He is soo mad at me.. for calling the cops.... He does NOT see that he shouldn't have pushed me and his part in this.... He just keeps saying if I just would not have came out to the house.. and kicked his beer NONE of this would have happened... and if I would have just left and NOT called the cops...
    So I do agree that I SHOULD NOT have came out there... I was mad and I knew he was mad.. but I needed my cell phone charger... guess I should have just went and bought another one?? I don't know... I feel guilty for coming out there.. knowing that we would probably get into a fight... Should I have have called the police??? Am I wrong to feel bad??? Please someone help me with these feelings.... I am soo hurt...

  • Yes, that was domestic violence - or assault, whichever way you look at it. The criminal code of Canada (not so different from the US or other countries) defines assault as:
    265. (1) A person commits an assault when

    (a) without the consent of another person, he applies force intentionally to that other person, directly or indirectly;

    Now, what may be argued in court is that he was provoked by you kicking his property. Doesn't matter one bit that it was only a beer, it was his property and you had no right to kick it.

    I would think, that if there is this type of actions on both of your parts, if the fights get to this point, I'd suggest you take a long look at your relationship and ask yourselves whether it's a toxic relationship and whether or not this type of behaviour will escalate.
    That which we forget may as well never really happened.


    • Kicking a beer can over is MUCH different than exerting physical force over a human being you KNOW you're stronger than and pushing them to the ground.

      Tensions might have been high, but I'm sure I won't be the first to tell you this kind of behavior from his is a HORRIBLE sign. You get in a fight and you can't stop by and pick up something you need without being yelled at and called names? Then as you're being VERBALLY abused, you exhibit some frustration by kicking over a beer and that warrants him pushing you to the ground, not feeling badly and offering to even help you up, then insisting all that time later than he wasn't wrong?

      He is paying legal consequences for his actions. There is NOTHING wrong about that. However, that's not going to change the fact that he clearly has this issue of thinking it's okay to physically abuse a woman. The most concerning part about all this is that you're considering marrying this man.

      You will minimize this in your head. You already have......but you need not forget what your GUT reaction to his physical abuse was, and it was the RIGHT reaction.

      You do NOT want to marry this man.
      "Be what you're looking for."


      • ks... Take a look at your previous threads/posts... Please tell me what it is that is keeping you with this man. If you were to read your previous posts from an outsiders view, what advice would you give this person.

        I think you would be best to get out of this relationship. It is unhealthy. Get out and find out what it is like to be in a healthy relationship.


        • As a person who has been through domestic violence, I can tell you... go far away from this man. They will sometimes try to convince you its your fault or apologize and say it will never happen again. It always does. Do not worry about his legal and financial issues due to this event, this is his problem, he committed an act of violence against you needs to deal with the repercussions. It is never okay for a man to put his hands on a woman in violence. Ever. Please take care of yourself, and find someone who treats you with love and respect. Best Wishes


          • Hey kscshell,

            I don't know if it's too late to respond here, but I spoke to my buddy the other day who told me that his relationship with his wife changed after she called the police on him and I thought about this thread. I understand how you feel with your man using his strength against you. But, I also could imagine how he feels that you called strangers with guns into a domestic dispute to take his freedom and wealth. I had an idea for what a woman could do to repair the damage if it were me...until I reread this:

            Originally posted by kscshell View Post
            He does NOT see that he shouldn't have pushed me and his part in this.
            Men want to protect and defend - especially the women dear to us. Anger can make anybody do things out of character, but it's impossible for a man to attack the woman he loves and think it's OK without him being an unbalanced person unable to have a healthy relationship. I think the same for a woman, but it's especially reprehensible for a man. His attitude is worse than him pushing you, in my eyes. If the feelings he had for you were ever good ones, they're not anymore. There's an up side:

            A guy borrowed some money from me and didn't pay it back. My dad said, "You bought him for $20." He meant, I found out his character and he wouldn't be able to cause more damage and all it cost me was a few bucks. You could buy this guy for a skinned elbow.
            "Those sowing seed with tears
            Will reap with a joyful shout." - Psalm 126


            • Get out now, the cycle of violence only gets worse. It is about men's learned behaviour, paternalistic values, control mentality, superior rights over women etc. and takes a long time to counter... you may admire his strength but this form of it is plain wrong. Women must not tolerate it , becomes particularly bad when combined with alcohol. Punitive measures are essential to wake men up that this behaviour is wrong. Anger is ok but choice of response is his, ie. needs to take responsibility for his actions. There is plenty of information around, just google your questions... have a look at link edited
              Last edited by CHANDLERS WISH; 05-02-2012, 12:51 AM.


              • If you go back to him you are sending him the message that you don't mind being assaulted ... If you love someone you would never do them any harm ...


                • This thread just jumped out at me. In short, Don said it all. I've thankfully never been in an abusive situation with a partner (man) but I knew abuse as a child. Bottom line is physical threats violence is never an answer. Neither are scare tactics. I truly hope by now you are in a safer and better place. Take care.


                  • Violence towards women is totally unacceptable, I had some awful fights with my ex and never hit her once, and she made me REALLY mad. Even when she provoked me like ******** (and there are women who do) I still never hit her.

                    A fully grown man throwing a women on the floor for kicking a stupid beer? See how tough he is when he's in prison, he'll be able to fight as much as he wants in there.
                    "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]


                    • Amendment: violence towards one's partner is unacceptable. Women can guilty of domestic violence too, although the authorities and society in general don't appear to take it quite as seriously. Bottom line: no one should have to live in fear of being the victim of violence or abuse from their partner.
                      "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]


                      • Leave. Leave now. It's obvious that you're in an abusive relationship. Whether it happened once or ten times, abuse is abuse...period.

                        It's time to go. Start packing. Or better yet, take a day off from work when you know he will be at work, get a couple of close friends to help you and be gone completely by the time he gets home.

                        He caused you physical harm over some beer. Perhaps he has a substance (alcohol) abuse problem too.


                        • kscshell...this isn't about your "kicking his beer". He was angry with you and that was just the "excuse" for him to physically hurt you. He is responsable for his actions and emotions. The fact that he seeks to deny responsability is very disturbing. I know this "thread" is m old; but if you are still reading...get some counseling for yourself. Women who choose and abusive man will often get out of the "abusive" relationship and get right into another "abusive" relationship. You need to explore why and what you can do to change it. good luck.


                          • The Government defines domestic violence as

                            "Any incident of threatening behaviour, violence or abuse (psychological, physical, sexual, financial or emotional) between adults who are or have been intimate partners or family members, regardless of gender or sexuality."
                            "The greatest enemy will hide in the last place you will ever look" [I]Julius Caesar[/I]



                            Womens Health orange logoGet The Newsletter

                            Receive our passionately crafted, medically reviewed articles and insights — the stuff nobody else talks about but you want to know — delivered right to your inbox.

                            Latest Activity On Our Forums


                            • Reply to Female pubic hair and sexuality

                              I think that's the bottom line! Each person/couple should do whatever feels right for them -- even if it is to please the other party, so long as it's...

                              09-15-2020, 10:36 PM By JonnyR
                            • Reply to When to call it quits?

                              It makes perfect sense, though. It might not be fool-proof but really if you find yourself rooting for one side over the other, that kinda tells you exactly...

                              09-15-2020, 09:47 PM By Strega
                            • Reply to Female pubic hair and sexuality

                              Aside from keeping a bare bikini line in the summer months, I’ve never felt pressured from a societal standpoint to keep my pubic hair a certain way....

                              09-15-2020, 09:12 PM By Strega
                            • Reply to Letting a friendship fade away

                              Emily D. thanks....

                              09-14-2020, 05:13 PM By atskitty2
                            • Reply to When to call it quits?

                              The guy my friend was dating apparently sensed her disinterest, and asked her if she'd like to continue dating. She avoided the question, and that was...

                              09-14-2020, 05:09 PM By atskitty2

                            Latest Topics On Our Forums


                            • Letting a friendship fade away

                              Over the past few years, the tone of a friendship of mine has changed. We have a mutual friend, and last week, we finally had an honest chat about how...

                              08-30-2020, 07:41 AM By atskitty2
                            • When to call it quits?

                              It's sometimes difficult to know when to end a romantic relationship, and for what reasons. Dating can be a challenge, and finding someone worth investigating...

                              08-30-2020, 07:14 AM By atskitty2