[LonelyWife]

The title gives you an idea about my issue, but it really is so much more than just sex. My husband and I have been married for several years. We have a beautiful 2 year old little girl. And most of the time I feel so lonely.
We dated for a couple of years and our relationship was everything a girl ever dreams of. We were very close, sharing everything (so I thought). He was my best friend as well as my lover. I didn't know it but he also had a recreational drug habit.
When we got married everything changed immediately. I do mean immediately, we were not intimate on our wedding night. The change was drastic and shocking. He went from my best friend and the person I counted on the most to someone who can't hold a job, isn't ever interested in talking, and rarely is interested in sex. But he does watch porn nearly daily. Our relationship has slipped considerably. Over the years I tried to talk to him many times but it always ended up a fight with no resolution.
Fast foreword a couple of years and we were on the brink of divorce. This is not something that I take lightly, as I meant every word of our vows in front of God. But it was a real train wreck at home and our daughter deserves only the best. The night I sat him down and asked for a divorce was really tough. We both cried a lot. The next morning he came to me and revealed that he had a full blown drug addiction. I knew that things were bad but didn't think that drugs were a factor. I guess I was sheltered and very naive to not see what was going on more clearly. He begged me not to leave and promised to get help.
Fast forward another several months, and he has been clean for over 150 days. I am really proud of his accomplishments. It was a real struggle for him. He has a good job that is going well, he is finally the dad that our daughter deserves, and so many other areas of his life are turning around. But I am still so lonely most of the time.
We still have what I consider a sexless marriage, less than once a monto, and it's truly terrible. There just isn't any effort there to satisfy me while I do my best to be sure that he has a great time. All of the little ways he would show me that he cared while we were dating, don't happen. We still only rarely have any sort of conversation with substance. And the list goes on.
I have tried to talk to him about how I feel. But I don't think he really got it. I worry about sounding like a shrew if I harp on the subject to much. But I am unhappy, I want the person I used to know back.
Any words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated. I want to make this better between us. And I really do think he does too. Are my expectations unrealistic? I know he is recovering from years of drug abuse. And that has to mess with a person, but as I have never been an addict I'm not sure what kind of timeline is normal for getting back to who the addict used to be.

[lovelygirls6]

Have you considered marital counseling? Not to push this off, but it seems you both need to learn how to communicate more. He needs to grasp how miserable you are.

[suntan]

This is really sad that he could not make you happy and the fact that he has no interest in sex is something really painful and how come two individuals under the same roof live so distantly. Is it possible. I have never imagined marriage ends up like this

[stariana]

Have you considered getting YOU the help you deserve to understand the addict? I was married for almost 15 years to a man who sounds a lot like your husband. Before we were married, i though I knew him. Once we were married, a different guy showed up. I knew he used, but didnt completely understand how badly addiction controls a person. I focused on me, and didn't let his choices control my happiness. It was something I had to learn, detachment. He never understood how his actions affected me and our two sons. He never did get clean, always lied, and we ended up divorced. But, it didn't need to be that way. Communication and understanding what each other is going through is key.

[LonelyWife]

Thanks for the responses everyone. And I agree, we both need to communicate more. Somewhere along the line we just stopped talking.
I decided to show this thread to my husband. I figured that since I seem to have a hard time telling him verbally how I feel, I would let him read it. He read it over, was quiet for a few minutes, and then said that he wishes he knew why he acts the way he does too. That's been the end of the discussion, tho.
Maybe you are all right and counseling is in order. Financially, that is just not an option right now. Years of his not working steadily combined with all of the loans he took out to finance the addiction (and yes, I was completely unaware of all of these loans at the time) have left us in a financial mess.

[JustTired]

I'm sorry to hear about your problem. I agree with others that counseling would be ideal, but if you can't afford it, then you'll have to work this out on your own. My advice would be to just take it in steps. First step is to consider what your future will be like if you stay with him and to decide if that is something you can live with. I know from experience that drug addictions are not usually beat after just one try--most people will relapse. Is this something that you want to deal with for potentially the rest of your life? If you can commit to that, then you just have to figure out the next step. What is the next thing you can start working on to make thing more like they used to be. Is the debt making you both stressed out and unhappy?--make lists, come up with a step by step plan to deal with it. Maybe the closer you can get to having things back to normal, the easier it will be for him to go back to how things used to be. But then I'm an organization freak and making lists and plans always makes me feel better and more in control of a situation Also, in regards to the counseling: have you looked into counseling that services low-income families. You might be able to get some help for very little money.

[CHANDLERS WISH]

What a brave man to realise his addiction and do something about it, for what? Love..

My guess is he has an addictive personality and whilst he has ditched the drugs, he is still watching porn.

Masterbating to porn ( do a search here just on porn in the advanced search), often leads to the man not wanting sex, he can do it himself, quicker without having to satisfy someone, and so the connection goes, from you.

This is another addiction..

I don't know why people have them, I have them... I can get rid of one and gain another like OCD for a while, or workaholic, to then something else... The only addiction I "won't"ditch is smoking..Note I said "won't " not cant? Off course I can, off course he can, there is a reason why we hang onto something, that we call pleasure, relief...

Past, workload, something un-happy

Find that and you will resolve it.