Going to file for divorce... finally.
I've been on here before with many hubby problems. After emailing the same chick twice trying to meet up to have sex with her, I decided I'm done. I never went through with the divorce because I was going to stick it out to save up money to support myself when I left him. The second email he sent was in June, two weeks after he came home from deployment. Since then I've had many many many problems with him and other chicks. This past Christmas, when we were in Texas visiting family, one of our friends told me that he sent her some texts. She got a new phone so his contact wasnt in her phone anymore when he had texted her. She asked who it was and he said that it was her prince charming. She replied and he was like I can be your prince charming. That sent me over the edge. When I went to confront him - he was friggn high (he doesnt smoke, but he was with his friends and I guess said 'fxck it I'll smoke'). He was like 'I was just joking.' I didnt believe him at all because I know to trust my gut. I told him when we got back to Cali, I'm filing for divorce. He was like 'no no no no dont leave me. nooo. I dont want you to leave. Dont take the boys from me'.
True to my word, I have the papers filled out and ready to file. He does not know, of course. He is gone training right now. He comes home this Thursday or Friday after being gone for 5 weeks training. when he comes home he has about 4-5 days and then he deploys to Afghanistan. I feel like this is a HORRIBLE time to divorce him, but he's been so horrible to me that this is my only chance. Here in Cali you have a waiting period of 6 MONTHS!!! before you can go through with the divorce. His deployment will be 7 months, so by the time he comes home we can continue with the divorce.
Last night he commented on his friends picture of these two chicks in lingerie at their work. He was asking who the chick in red was. ....Why does he care? So I asked him why he wanted to know who she was. I told him I bet his excuse will be that he just wanted to know because she looks like another girl. I was right, thats what he said. I'm so used to his actions and excuses that I know the whole story and excuses before he even tells me. Thats pretty sad. Anyways I asked who was the chick that she looked like? I told him that what he really was most likely doing was finding out who she was and then was going to add her on FB, because thats what he does... add tons of beautiful girls that fit the exact type of girl he loves. He said that he couldnt remember the girls name but it was a cheerleader back at our high school, and that no he wasnt going to add her to fb. Alright, so if he didnt know the girls name that she looked like, then what was the point of asking who she was? Am I the only one who doesnt buy his BS story? Also, the comment he made was deleted from his fb page. Its not there, but other comments on other things are. I SERIOUSLY hate facebook. I feel like blocking him so I dont have to keep seeing this .
I'm going to file, and then need to find someone to serve the papers to him. My worries are how will he react when he gets served? The first time I told him I was going to divorce him (after he sent the FIRST email asking to fxck that chick) he got so scared I guess, and swallowed a lot of my old prescription pills. Im not stupid, and I knew, so I made him throw them up. After he did that, we went to bed. He thought I was asleep and he went upstairs and found where I hid my pills. He came back downstairs. I went upstairs and checked and told him to get his butt up and go back into the bathroom. I've OD'd on pills before and went the hospital. Its not pretty. Also, back then I didnt have kids. He was stupid for trying to take his life and leave two kids behind because I wanted a divorce because HE wanted to sleep around. I'm worried he might do that, especially while deployed and I'm not there to watch him. After June our fights have escalated. On the way to Texas I found two chicks on his phone and we got into a pretty big fight in the car. He did a knife hand at my face and stopped millimeters from my nose. I was like wow, he was gunna hit me!? We got back to Cali and were messing around and I flinched. He was like 'wow I'd never hit you, especially in your face.' I reminded him about the fight and how he almost hit me. He was like 'oh that? That was just because you ****ed me off'.... so what happens if I him off this time?! Thats the only time hes shown physical anger towards me. When we talked about divorce, he gets mad, cusses (despite me telling him to stop because our boys will hear him, and they are copycats now). From what I gather, he just doesnt want to live back at the barracks. Its always 'I'm not living back at the barracks.. you just watch. I'm not'. When he gets served and realizes that he WILL have to move back... I'm scared about his reactions. I will take a punch to the face, thats fine... but I'm more so worried about my two boys.
You see... when the boys him off, especially my oldest one, he doesnt handle it well. He pulls their hair, and last time he pinched my youngest sons ear when he wasnt minding at the tire place. They are 3 and almost 2, so yeah.. they dont exactly mind. He's rough with them when they him off and he grabs them hard. I can tell. When he grabs their arm I know he is holding on way tighter than he should be. He denies it at times, but I see the pressure in his fingertips. My biggest fear is him hurting my boys. He can hit me all he wants, I wont like it at all, but if he touches my kids.... I'll lose it. Every time I see him doing something to the boys, I lose it. Ive almost hit him once when he kicked my son and then pushed him with his foot. We were at a hotel and we had been in the car literally all day traveling back to Cali. It was about 1am and the boys were awake. My husband went out to the car and Landon was screaming and running around all happy. The hubby came in the door and my son goes 'DADDY!!' and ran to him. The hubby had a crazed look in his eyes and pointed at my son and said 'YOU!! SHUT UP!' (I do NOT like him saying that, especially to the boys because they catch on). I was like 'wow what was that for?' He was like 'there are neighbors next door and hes screaming'. I'm like 'he was just happy that you were back inside'. My son yelled and then bam, he kicked him and pushed him away with him foot. I FLEW across the room and got up in his face and almost hit him. I've never been so angry in my life. I feel like a crappy mom because I let him do it. I shouldve just hit him right then and there, but my mom always told me to be the bigger person. I yelled at him and was in his face.. Thats all I could do. He laid in bed on his phone while I hugged both my kids, silently promising to them that I'll make their lives better than what we have.
I dont know how he will handle this all. Thankfully it'll only be a few days before he leaves and I wont have to worry for too long. But what about when he comes back? What if by that point he has PTSD and goes crazy on me for some random reason. What if he comes back a totally different person and just loses his cool? I'm so scared, but I cant live in fear. For some reason Im scared he will actually kill me. I know it sounds insane, but I guess I'm just paranoid. I prolly wont be able to sleep at all. I want to do this on good terms, but he's been doing so many things with so many other girls, exes too, that I just cant be civil. I'm trying so hard. I am. I have so much hatred now because of him. My friends even see it.
I guess this is more of a rant. I've had to appear strong for so long now. Every time I think about what he's done, and see all the new things hes doing.. I just break down and cry. I hate it because my son sees me and says 'no mommy sad'. I want to be happy for my boys but their father has caused so much pain that they see me crying so much now. I just need to get this all out. I feel hopeless. At times I feel like I dont even want to go on living. But its not about me anymore. I have two boys that I need to be here for and help grow up. I could never take my life and leave them shattered like that. I'm their best friend. Thinking like that makes me so sad that I would even think it. I want to get out of this but for some odd reason I'm scared my husband might go crazy and do something.
I guess this ends this long rant.... Many times through this I just broke down crying. I hate how miserable my life has become. Even worse that its from the person that I gave up everything for.
True to my word, I have the papers filled out and ready to file. He does not know, of course. He is gone training right now. He comes home this Thursday or Friday after being gone for 5 weeks training. when he comes home he has about 4-5 days and then he deploys to Afghanistan. I feel like this is a HORRIBLE time to divorce him, but he's been so horrible to me that this is my only chance. Here in Cali you have a waiting period of 6 MONTHS!!! before you can go through with the divorce. His deployment will be 7 months, so by the time he comes home we can continue with the divorce.
Last night he commented on his friends picture of these two chicks in lingerie at their work. He was asking who the chick in red was. ....Why does he care? So I asked him why he wanted to know who she was. I told him I bet his excuse will be that he just wanted to know because she looks like another girl. I was right, thats what he said. I'm so used to his actions and excuses that I know the whole story and excuses before he even tells me. Thats pretty sad. Anyways I asked who was the chick that she looked like? I told him that what he really was most likely doing was finding out who she was and then was going to add her on FB, because thats what he does... add tons of beautiful girls that fit the exact type of girl he loves. He said that he couldnt remember the girls name but it was a cheerleader back at our high school, and that no he wasnt going to add her to fb. Alright, so if he didnt know the girls name that she looked like, then what was the point of asking who she was? Am I the only one who doesnt buy his BS story? Also, the comment he made was deleted from his fb page. Its not there, but other comments on other things are. I SERIOUSLY hate facebook. I feel like blocking him so I dont have to keep seeing this .
I'm going to file, and then need to find someone to serve the papers to him. My worries are how will he react when he gets served? The first time I told him I was going to divorce him (after he sent the FIRST email asking to fxck that chick) he got so scared I guess, and swallowed a lot of my old prescription pills. Im not stupid, and I knew, so I made him throw them up. After he did that, we went to bed. He thought I was asleep and he went upstairs and found where I hid my pills. He came back downstairs. I went upstairs and checked and told him to get his butt up and go back into the bathroom. I've OD'd on pills before and went the hospital. Its not pretty. Also, back then I didnt have kids. He was stupid for trying to take his life and leave two kids behind because I wanted a divorce because HE wanted to sleep around. I'm worried he might do that, especially while deployed and I'm not there to watch him. After June our fights have escalated. On the way to Texas I found two chicks on his phone and we got into a pretty big fight in the car. He did a knife hand at my face and stopped millimeters from my nose. I was like wow, he was gunna hit me!? We got back to Cali and were messing around and I flinched. He was like 'wow I'd never hit you, especially in your face.' I reminded him about the fight and how he almost hit me. He was like 'oh that? That was just because you ****ed me off'.... so what happens if I him off this time?! Thats the only time hes shown physical anger towards me. When we talked about divorce, he gets mad, cusses (despite me telling him to stop because our boys will hear him, and they are copycats now). From what I gather, he just doesnt want to live back at the barracks. Its always 'I'm not living back at the barracks.. you just watch. I'm not'. When he gets served and realizes that he WILL have to move back... I'm scared about his reactions. I will take a punch to the face, thats fine... but I'm more so worried about my two boys.
You see... when the boys him off, especially my oldest one, he doesnt handle it well. He pulls their hair, and last time he pinched my youngest sons ear when he wasnt minding at the tire place. They are 3 and almost 2, so yeah.. they dont exactly mind. He's rough with them when they him off and he grabs them hard. I can tell. When he grabs their arm I know he is holding on way tighter than he should be. He denies it at times, but I see the pressure in his fingertips. My biggest fear is him hurting my boys. He can hit me all he wants, I wont like it at all, but if he touches my kids.... I'll lose it. Every time I see him doing something to the boys, I lose it. Ive almost hit him once when he kicked my son and then pushed him with his foot. We were at a hotel and we had been in the car literally all day traveling back to Cali. It was about 1am and the boys were awake. My husband went out to the car and Landon was screaming and running around all happy. The hubby came in the door and my son goes 'DADDY!!' and ran to him. The hubby had a crazed look in his eyes and pointed at my son and said 'YOU!! SHUT UP!' (I do NOT like him saying that, especially to the boys because they catch on). I was like 'wow what was that for?' He was like 'there are neighbors next door and hes screaming'. I'm like 'he was just happy that you were back inside'. My son yelled and then bam, he kicked him and pushed him away with him foot. I FLEW across the room and got up in his face and almost hit him. I've never been so angry in my life. I feel like a crappy mom because I let him do it. I shouldve just hit him right then and there, but my mom always told me to be the bigger person. I yelled at him and was in his face.. Thats all I could do. He laid in bed on his phone while I hugged both my kids, silently promising to them that I'll make their lives better than what we have.
I dont know how he will handle this all. Thankfully it'll only be a few days before he leaves and I wont have to worry for too long. But what about when he comes back? What if by that point he has PTSD and goes crazy on me for some random reason. What if he comes back a totally different person and just loses his cool? I'm so scared, but I cant live in fear. For some reason Im scared he will actually kill me. I know it sounds insane, but I guess I'm just paranoid. I prolly wont be able to sleep at all. I want to do this on good terms, but he's been doing so many things with so many other girls, exes too, that I just cant be civil. I'm trying so hard. I am. I have so much hatred now because of him. My friends even see it.
I guess this is more of a rant. I've had to appear strong for so long now. Every time I think about what he's done, and see all the new things hes doing.. I just break down and cry. I hate it because my son sees me and says 'no mommy sad'. I want to be happy for my boys but their father has caused so much pain that they see me crying so much now. I just need to get this all out. I feel hopeless. At times I feel like I dont even want to go on living. But its not about me anymore. I have two boys that I need to be here for and help grow up. I could never take my life and leave them shattered like that. I'm their best friend. Thinking like that makes me so sad that I would even think it. I want to get out of this but for some odd reason I'm scared my husband might go crazy and do something.
I guess this ends this long rant.... Many times through this I just broke down crying. I hate how miserable my life has become. Even worse that its from the person that I gave up everything for.
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