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Going to file for divorce... finally.

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  • Going to file for divorce... finally.

    I've been on here before with many hubby problems. After emailing the same chick twice trying to meet up to have sex with her, I decided I'm done. I never went through with the divorce because I was going to stick it out to save up money to support myself when I left him. The second email he sent was in June, two weeks after he came home from deployment. Since then I've had many many many problems with him and other chicks. This past Christmas, when we were in Texas visiting family, one of our friends told me that he sent her some texts. She got a new phone so his contact wasnt in her phone anymore when he had texted her. She asked who it was and he said that it was her prince charming. She replied and he was like I can be your prince charming. That sent me over the edge. When I went to confront him - he was friggn high (he doesnt smoke, but he was with his friends and I guess said 'fxck it I'll smoke'). He was like 'I was just joking.' I didnt believe him at all because I know to trust my gut. I told him when we got back to Cali, I'm filing for divorce. He was like 'no no no no dont leave me. nooo. I dont want you to leave. Dont take the boys from me'.

    True to my word, I have the papers filled out and ready to file. He does not know, of course. He is gone training right now. He comes home this Thursday or Friday after being gone for 5 weeks training. when he comes home he has about 4-5 days and then he deploys to Afghanistan. I feel like this is a HORRIBLE time to divorce him, but he's been so horrible to me that this is my only chance. Here in Cali you have a waiting period of 6 MONTHS!!! before you can go through with the divorce. His deployment will be 7 months, so by the time he comes home we can continue with the divorce.

    Last night he commented on his friends picture of these two chicks in lingerie at their work. He was asking who the chick in red was. ....Why does he care? So I asked him why he wanted to know who she was. I told him I bet his excuse will be that he just wanted to know because she looks like another girl. I was right, thats what he said. I'm so used to his actions and excuses that I know the whole story and excuses before he even tells me. Thats pretty sad. Anyways I asked who was the chick that she looked like? I told him that what he really was most likely doing was finding out who she was and then was going to add her on FB, because thats what he does... add tons of beautiful girls that fit the exact type of girl he loves. He said that he couldnt remember the girls name but it was a cheerleader back at our high school, and that no he wasnt going to add her to fb. Alright, so if he didnt know the girls name that she looked like, then what was the point of asking who she was? Am I the only one who doesnt buy his BS story? Also, the comment he made was deleted from his fb page. Its not there, but other comments on other things are. I SERIOUSLY hate facebook. I feel like blocking him so I dont have to keep seeing this .

    I'm going to file, and then need to find someone to serve the papers to him. My worries are how will he react when he gets served? The first time I told him I was going to divorce him (after he sent the FIRST email asking to fxck that chick) he got so scared I guess, and swallowed a lot of my old prescription pills. Im not stupid, and I knew, so I made him throw them up. After he did that, we went to bed. He thought I was asleep and he went upstairs and found where I hid my pills. He came back downstairs. I went upstairs and checked and told him to get his butt up and go back into the bathroom. I've OD'd on pills before and went the hospital. Its not pretty. Also, back then I didnt have kids. He was stupid for trying to take his life and leave two kids behind because I wanted a divorce because HE wanted to sleep around. I'm worried he might do that, especially while deployed and I'm not there to watch him. After June our fights have escalated. On the way to Texas I found two chicks on his phone and we got into a pretty big fight in the car. He did a knife hand at my face and stopped millimeters from my nose. I was like wow, he was gunna hit me!? We got back to Cali and were messing around and I flinched. He was like 'wow I'd never hit you, especially in your face.' I reminded him about the fight and how he almost hit me. He was like 'oh that? That was just because you ****ed me off'.... so what happens if I him off this time?! Thats the only time hes shown physical anger towards me. When we talked about divorce, he gets mad, cusses (despite me telling him to stop because our boys will hear him, and they are copycats now). From what I gather, he just doesnt want to live back at the barracks. Its always 'I'm not living back at the barracks.. you just watch. I'm not'. When he gets served and realizes that he WILL have to move back... I'm scared about his reactions. I will take a punch to the face, thats fine... but I'm more so worried about my two boys.

    You see... when the boys him off, especially my oldest one, he doesnt handle it well. He pulls their hair, and last time he pinched my youngest sons ear when he wasnt minding at the tire place. They are 3 and almost 2, so yeah.. they dont exactly mind. He's rough with them when they him off and he grabs them hard. I can tell. When he grabs their arm I know he is holding on way tighter than he should be. He denies it at times, but I see the pressure in his fingertips. My biggest fear is him hurting my boys. He can hit me all he wants, I wont like it at all, but if he touches my kids.... I'll lose it. Every time I see him doing something to the boys, I lose it. Ive almost hit him once when he kicked my son and then pushed him with his foot. We were at a hotel and we had been in the car literally all day traveling back to Cali. It was about 1am and the boys were awake. My husband went out to the car and Landon was screaming and running around all happy. The hubby came in the door and my son goes 'DADDY!!' and ran to him. The hubby had a crazed look in his eyes and pointed at my son and said 'YOU!! SHUT UP!' (I do NOT like him saying that, especially to the boys because they catch on). I was like 'wow what was that for?' He was like 'there are neighbors next door and hes screaming'. I'm like 'he was just happy that you were back inside'. My son yelled and then bam, he kicked him and pushed him away with him foot. I FLEW across the room and got up in his face and almost hit him. I've never been so angry in my life. I feel like a crappy mom because I let him do it. I shouldve just hit him right then and there, but my mom always told me to be the bigger person. I yelled at him and was in his face.. Thats all I could do. He laid in bed on his phone while I hugged both my kids, silently promising to them that I'll make their lives better than what we have.

    I dont know how he will handle this all. Thankfully it'll only be a few days before he leaves and I wont have to worry for too long. But what about when he comes back? What if by that point he has PTSD and goes crazy on me for some random reason. What if he comes back a totally different person and just loses his cool? I'm so scared, but I cant live in fear. For some reason Im scared he will actually kill me. I know it sounds insane, but I guess I'm just paranoid. I prolly wont be able to sleep at all. I want to do this on good terms, but he's been doing so many things with so many other girls, exes too, that I just cant be civil. I'm trying so hard. I am. I have so much hatred now because of him. My friends even see it.

    I guess this is more of a rant. I've had to appear strong for so long now. Every time I think about what he's done, and see all the new things hes doing.. I just break down and cry. I hate it because my son sees me and says 'no mommy sad'. I want to be happy for my boys but their father has caused so much pain that they see me crying so much now. I just need to get this all out. I feel hopeless. At times I feel like I dont even want to go on living. But its not about me anymore. I have two boys that I need to be here for and help grow up. I could never take my life and leave them shattered like that. I'm their best friend. Thinking like that makes me so sad that I would even think it. I want to get out of this but for some odd reason I'm scared my husband might go crazy and do something.


    I guess this ends this long rant.... Many times through this I just broke down crying. I hate how miserable my life has become. Even worse that its from the person that I gave up everything for.

  • Hi Krazy. I just wanted to say that I am proud of you. SO proud!!! It takes a lot to get to the point of filing for divorce, and you're doing the right thing for you, and your kids!! Rant away, sweetheart. You've got my FULL support!!!

    If you are worried about him hurting you, I would get a peace bond as well, or a restraining order...just in case.

    Either way, check in saily with us, to let us know how you are doing.

    once again, I am SO PROUD of you for taking this step!!! you're a tough cookie, and are doing the right thing!!
    The children almost broken by the world become the adults most likely to change it
    -PostSecret

    Comment


    • I wish I could send you a hug through the computer. It sure sounds like you could use one.

      Before you have those papers served to him, you need to get out, and don't come back until he's deployed. If you're afraid that he'll kill you, it's your gut telling you it's a possibility. I was watching a talk show about abused women on Friday, and they said that when he KNOWS you're leaving, that's the most dangerous time. So, whatever you do, don't let him catch you gone.

      Take all your old pills with you if that's what you need to do ... in fact, take as much of your stuff as you can. Don't give him the opportunity to destroy anything you need. Take the boys' papers, birth certificates, shot records ... everything.

      And maybe you should alert someone in his chain of command that he has expressed suicidal ideation to you in the past and that you are filing for divorce. It will give them the information they need to keep him alive.

      Start thinking now about where you're going to go as a safe place. Don't say what it is here - and in fact, you may want to delete your bookmark/browser history for this website so that he can't find it and figure you out.

      Best of luck. Let us know how it goes.
      <center><i>Nature gives us shapeless shapes,<br>Clouds and waves and flame,<br>But human expectation is that love remains the same,<br>And when it doesn’t, we point our fingers and blame.</i><br><a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/register.php">Register</a>|<a href="http://www.womens-health.com/boards/members/little.html">Contact Admin</a>|<a href="mailto:support*womens-health.com?subject=Forum Contact">Email Admin</a></center>

      Comment


      • Yes I will delete this website from the history. I'm not going to tell him that I've filed, he will simply get served. The only problem is that we have one car. I cant leave him home alone.. I mean I might be able to I guess. But then he'd have to find a way to get back to work for when he leaves for deployment. I used to be suicidal, so I have a sense of what can be used if you are so inclined to try to kill yourself. Im worried that if I tell a higher up that he's shown suicidal tendencies or that he's tried, that they will discharge him. But I do believe its a good idea to warn them so they can keep an eye on him. I like that.

        I'm trying to figure out how to serve him the papers. Do I leave the house with the boys and then send someone to serve him? The only problem I have with that is that... what if that gives him enough time to set up something for an attack when I come home. I mean, he's never attacked me before, but he almost hit me once with the knife hand, and he said he'd never hit me. I'm cautious now. I try to stay 1 step ahead of him. I can remove the knives and forks, cords, pills, screwdrivers, hammers, and stuff that could be used against me or to hurt himself. I've done it once before. I never knew how many possible weapons we had until I took them all away. Geesh our house is deadly!! haha.

        The bad part is that when he is served, I will not be able to make large purchases without a written approval from the court or him. So I need to sit down with him and have a plan set out and have him sign on it so I will have it. I want to get something figured out to where I will be able to transfer X amount of money from our joint account to my own bank account that way he wont have any way to spend it. I know he will be in Afghan and working, but so many times before he has spent all of our money on himself and left me and the boys with nothing. Like recently he left us with 7$. There was another time we only had 40$ to last two weeks and he spent 20$ on food for himself at work in 2 days. He drives 50 miles a day to and from work, so how the heck was 20$ going to be able to buy all the gas, food, and diapers?! Hes selfish so I NEED to make sure we have a signed paper that says I can take x amount of money. I might do that the day he comes back and then the next day have him served that way I will be able to KNOW I have money that he cant touch and wont be able to spend so I will be able to provide for the kids. I just might do that.

        Acerousme - Thank you. I needed to hear that. :']
        Little - I'll act like I just got a hug :] Thats what sucks.. I'm in a state where I know nobody. I really want to just be in someones arms and cry and be comforted. I cant do that because I dont know anyone here so I cant get a hug from anyone. I can from my boys, but I dont like them seeing me sad and crying.

        Comment


        • You must do everything from a position of strength and power. If you feel that you cannot serve him the papers and be safe and secure in your home with your children, you must also serve him with a peace bond or restraining order and have him leave your home within a certain period of time. To this end, you can request that the police stand with you and ensure nothing untoward happens. You then have some legal standing to get him out of the house. You need a lawyer that can advise you of how to proceed. You will need to petition for support for you and the children. You may need counselling as well. I wish you luck and strength in the days to come. Don't let his suicidal threats dictate your actions, it's just another power ploy.
          That which we forget may as well never really happened.

          Comment




          • Even though he has not "hit " you (yet) he is still Abusive. Abuse isn't always physical, it's Verbal and Emotional and Psychological. The knife hand is Intimidation and a Threat of Control.
            By kicking, using foot to move son, Grabbing his arm tightly and yelling or screaming at your son, he is abusing your son. Not leaving enough funds for food, clothes, housing , daily needs, is Also Abuse and Neglect of your Kids and yourself.

            His Emotional Blackmail of threatening or even had tried Suicide is a grave concern. It is also a source of Control. He is making you feel you cannot leave him or you will be responsible for his Death.

            It is Time to leave, to Take Control of Your Life and your Son's lives. You are NOT responsible your your Husbands Actions or His Life. You ARE Responsible for Your Son's Happiness and Safety and Well Being and to Insure to the Best of your Ability that they have a Mother that is Secure and Able and willing to Raise and Support them and Protect them.

            Whether you live on Base or Not, your Husband has a Protocol of Behavior thru the Military, He represents the United States of America, his actions Reflect on Our Country. This also meaning that You as his Spouse and his Dependents have a degree of Protection from his abusive Behavior.

            Personally since his Deployment is in the Near Future, I would hesitate the actually Filing until he has left the home, whether for training or actual Deployment. During this time, i would act as natural as possible, though not as a Punching bag or letting the kids be abused..

            Do Document all abusive behavior, verbal to yourself or Kids, Physical, Emotional. Avoid any yelling matches or heated discussions. If things seem to be getting heated, take a walk with the kids. Stay off of his Facebook and away from his Phone or texts. Those will soon be none of your Business and definitely not something you can Control.Do not post any hint of dissatisfaction on your FB or any Emails. Password Protect your phone and Computer .

            My Next Post has some How too's in Filing and Serving him while he is Deployed. Doing it this way, gives you ( what 7 Months) to Relocate if necessary, get Stable, have Restraining orders, Parenting plan, Support arrangements.

            If you read the Article, you will see it can be done. Being Served elsewhere by a Superior of his, will help avoid an confrontation with you, verses, you having him served now and him being able to confront you in person immediately after being served.

            It will give him time to Adjust to the fact that your Marriage is over, though his parental obligations is not over. he will have the chance to be in his sons lives through a Parenting Plan.
            It will be up to him to decide if he wishes to be a Good Father and help raise them in Loving homes ( plural ) Yours and His separately with you and him as it's not a Loving home together.


            Comment




            • From an Article, No Link Attached.
              You can PM Me if you need any other info, that I can help with.

              It's easy to file for divorce while your spouse is deployed. The process begins in the same way as any other divorce. Understandably, there are some additional considerations that arise from your spouse being both overseas and in active duty military service.

              The Service Members Civil Relief Act (SCRA) applies to anyone who's been called into active duty for at least 30 continuous days. Under this law, a deployed service member gains certain protections from legal proceedings against him. A deployed spouse can consent to a divorce and make the process relatively smooth, subject to the challenge of communicating from the other side of the world. If he wants to block the divorce, the military and Congress will generally protect him while he's serving the country, but that doesn't make a divorce while he's deployed impossible. It just means the process is more complex, and assistance from a legal professional is recommended.

              Difficulty:
              Moderately Challenging

              Instructions

              1

              Review state laws. All divorces are subject to the laws of a particular state. Before filing, check the permitted grounds for divorce, whether there's a no-fault provision, and the requirements for jurisdiction. Many states will allow a divorce to be filed if a service member was stationed in the state at the time of her deployment, if her ship's home port is in the state, or if either of you have a current legal residence in the state for a certain period of time.
              2

              File locally. Go to the courthouse in a county in which you can file. Get a petition for divorce form to fill out. Most likely, you will choose no-fault divorce or "irreconcilable differences" as the grounds. Mark your preferences for child support, alimony and the division of your jointly owned property.
              3

              Serve process. Clearly, when your spouse is deployed overseas, service of process can present a challenge. One easy way, if you feel your spouse will consent to the divorce, is to send the papers via registered mail with a return receipt. Alternatively, you can request through the local military base that your spouse's commander serve process on him. By law, however, an active duty member of the armed services can only be served voluntarily. If he denies service, you will likely have to wait until he returns. You can then proceed under normal state laws.
              4

              Arrange for time to negotiate. If your spouse consents to all the terms in the divorce, then he can simply return the paperwork indicating as much. If he wants to renegotiate some of the terms, you will have to arrange to communicate with him at a time when he can deal with these issues and have a lawyer present if he chooses. If the terms are particularly contentious, this can significantly complicate and delay the process since a judge's availability might have to be added to the mix.
              5

              File agreement. The final step--before a divorce decree is issued and the process is formally complete--is the filing of a marriage settlement agreement. If the original terms of your petition are not contested by your spouse, then the terms there are simply carried over into the final document. If not, it reflects the outcome of your negotiations. This form is filed, with a draft order for the judge's signature.





              Comment


              • Thank you so much for the information. After he had messaged my friend, I was already looking up info on what I needed to know about divorcing a service member. I read about the Act, and I thought it said that he was protected from being divorced while in a war zone. I was talking to the husband on the woman he tried meeting up with twice for sex, and he told me that it IS possible to divorce while he is deployed. After reading the stuff, I think I just might do that.

                I've been talking to my mom all morning about what I should do. She told me that I should get someone in his chain of command to serve him and that I should take the boys and myself somewhere, or try to find out if they can keep him at the barracks, for my sons safety. I dont think he'd ever actually like... hit them or throw them, but I'm NOT going to underestimate a Marine. Haha!

                How would I get someone to serve him. I read what was posted, but my question is do I ask them ahead of time, and then get his deployed address and then send it to him later on? I guess that would make the most sense. Instead of writing to him and waiting for forever to get a letter back. My only worries are messing up his thoughts and NOT keeping his focus on the mission during deployment. We all know what happens when a person is not focused during deployment.. they risk getting killed. Im trying not to let that control me. I am NOT happy with him at all, but I do NOT want him to get killed. I might be mad and want to end our marriage, but I dont want him to die. He has kids, and if he ever grows up and learns to control his anger and his wandering eyes, maybe we could try again? I dont think that'll happen though, but I can hope. I just wanted the life he promised me and that I had my heart set out for.

                I'm going to talk to my mom about serving him while deployed. It seems like a good idea, even if it is going to be harder, or cost more. The confrontation wont be there and I'll be able to have a good last week with him since he wont be getting served.

                By 'good last week' I mean having the last few days before he deploys to NOT be arguing. My mom cant quite understand why I want this. If he is to go to Afghan and not come back home, I will have horrible guilt that our last days were the worst theyve ever been. What if something happens? My heart and mind wont be able to handle that amount of guilt. I might sound stupid for saying that. I at least want our last days to be nice before he's gone for 7 months in the worst province in Afghan. If I serve him while he is deployed, I will be able to not have him go crazy on me in the last few days he will be home, and will prolly be able to have a good time. By good time, I just mean no fighting, haha.. Thats a good time to me.

                I am definitely considering doing that. Even if its harder to do, its the safest for my boys.. just in case he does flip his lid. My mom was telling me I should probably wait till after deployment when he comes home to serve him. ONLY BECAUSE that gives me 7 months of planning on where to go, save money up, have a back up plan, find a place to live, etc. Seems like a smart idea, and I understand what she is saying. The reason I want to serve him now is because he will be deployed for 7 months, and in Cali the cooling off time is 6 months. By the time he comes home the wait will be over and we will be able to proceed with everything. If I serve him afterwards, then I have to deal with 6 months of unhappy hubby. Yikes!

                Comment


                • Proud of you gal. It is a huge step for you and I know a very difficult one. You have been, and are still in a very tough situation and I admire your perserverance. Soon enough, I hope this is over for you so you can truly find yourself and enjoy this life. It can truly be amazing.
                  "Be what you're looking for."

                  Comment


                  • The way that I see it is that you can't hold yourself responsible for any actions he takes, especially when it comes to hurting himself. You shouldn't feel like you have to babysit him. If you truly have concerns about suicide, you can contact your case worker for your divorce or a police officer (once he gets back) to keep a watch on him. Don't put yourself in harms way because you feel he may hurt himself. That might be his way of controlling you and keeping you around. Whatever happens to him by his own decisions are NOT YOUR FAULT. So if anything should (Hopefully not, but in worst case scenerio), just remember it isn't your fault.

                    Comment


                    • I would suggest that you go talk to JAG. They will be able to help you the most as far as paperwork goes, and they will be able to contact the appropriate people in his chain-of-command, if needed. I'm sorry that you are going though this. **hugs**

                      Comment


                      • How long have you and your husband been married? What branch of the service is he in?
                        Things are a little bit different when divorcing someone in the military. My ex-husband is military and his job in the military had him away 256 days a year (not all at once). We were in agreement about the divorce and did the "do-it-yourself" where we filled out all the paperwork and discussed what we didn't agree upon, worked it out and took the papers to an attorney that basically typed them up and filed them for us, since it was uncontested and the attorney filed it in a different county we weren't required to appear in court, once our paperwork was filed 90 days later our divorce was final. I highly doubt your situation will be that easy and believe it or not, I didn't think mine would either. I told my ex that I wanted a divorce and I was saving money to move out.... he went through the stages... begged me to stay, agreed to do anything and everything if I would stay (which i knew from past experience it was empty promises), got angry, made things more difficult than they had to be cuz he was mad etc....It will be difficult at first but you will get through it. If he creates problems for you remind him that the military seriously frowns on adultry and he can be court martialed for the things he has done (even if he never physically cheated... the evidence you have found would be enough to court martial him in the military) That hanging over his head (depending on how much he values hi military career) should be enough to keep him at the very least civil towards you while the divorce processes. Also, the military is very adamant that the sponsor takes care of his dependents even if divorce proceedings are ongoing.... he has to support you and his children throughout the proceedings until the divorce is finalized and from then it's whatever the courts stipulate (as far as child/spousal support etc...) If you have been married for longer than 10 yrs. of his military career you can get awarded a portion of his retirement pay (when or if he retires from the military) The military is the ONLY organization that considers retirement community property as long as you meet the qualifications (10+ years while he was enlisted) Another thing to consider.... with the world the way it is these days and the situation overseas... military members have life insurance through the military... in my divorce paperwork I stipulated that he had to name our son as beneficiary for a percentage of his life insurance in the event that he died before our son turned 18 yrs (or 21 if he was in school) and he could name anyone he wanted to be the executor. My ex was really ****ed about it because he agreed to it and it was left out of the typed up papers the attorney did. I refused to sign it until it was put back in and he got mad telling me he couldn't believe I would think he wouldn't take care of our son in the event of his death.... I told him I didn't doubt that he has every intention of taking care of his son but in the event he gets remarried.... who knows what would happen then and I wanted it in writing in a court document. Oh yeah... if you currently live in base housing you can remain in base housing while your divorce is in the works and he would have to either live in the dorms or make other living arrangements. The military will back you all the way... just make sure that you have a place all set up when the divorce becomes final. Good luck with everything.

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