[kymmylou]

I have been in a relationship for 3 years. 2 years we have been married. About 2 weeks after we got married, he was a totally different person. The things he said destroyed me. I have lived like this for 2 full years and I have left 3 times. The first was for 2 weeks, the second for 2 days and this last time was for the weekend. Because my mother got social services involved, I was not able to see my 22 month son unsupervised because she believed I was suicidal (which Im not) due to new medicine I was on. Because I was dealing with all that, I felt backed into a corner so I went back.

He has finally admitted that he was abusive and that he said awful things, but he wants to work on it again. I am so scared that this will happen over and over. I had ended up having an emotional affair and ended up physical, which I told my husband expecting him to want a divorce. This however, seemed to actually make him want to try harder.

My question is: Is it possible to heal from the emotional abuse and forgive him and stay with him? How do I get over the things he said and took away?

[CHANDLERS WISH]

Hi Kym...

Firstly, again welcome to our Forum.

Emotional abuse is no different than ANY abuse... I think, the purpose is to put you down, control you and ensure that you stay in the relationship, ownership if that makes sense.

You've just proven that wrong.. As you had an emotional affair because we are emotional creates and you needed love, which turned to physical and now he wants to continue the marriage even more so.

I want to say, be careful.. Guard your heart for the time being... If you are on medication and your parents are worried, then they are looking after their grandchild but having said that, you need also to talk you your Mother over what has been happening in your marriage if you haven't... She needs to see the whole picture.

Can you tell us what type of emotional abuse you have been suffering?

I came to this Forum 5 years ago, having been emotionally abused from my husband.

I hope to guide you and help if I can... Although all situations are different, there are alot of simularities...

Take care for now sweet.

CW

[Claret]

Hi Kym and welcome. Sorry to hear about what you've been going through. Can you ever heal from emotional abuse -- in my experience with it - NO. You will always hear that voice inside your head. I was in the type of abusive relationship in which at times I'd would rather be beaten that have the emotional and psychological abuse continue. At least bruises healed - this was my thoughts at the time. When the abuse overflowed to my children I knew it was time to get out. I can probably provide you with some coping skills and I supposed because the abuse hasn't gone on for years and years, that you may be able to work things out, but you'll need a ton of counselling for him.

[Ashlee T.]

My opinion? No. He will not truly ever change and even if he by some miracle does, you'll never trust him. What if he had physically hit you? Would you feel differently about this? Because truly, it's no different. He has abused you. A man that loves you doesn't abuse you. Period.

Will he decide later on that it is also okay to abuse your child? Even if he doesn't, do you want your child growing up believing the way his dad treats his mom is acceptable?

Emotional abuse is an awful thing. I was there....thankfully only for a short period of time. But in that short period of time he did years worth of damage.

Clearly you need to focus on you. Your health, your mental health and your ability to raise your son as an independent woman. If your family fears youre suicidal, something is wrong (whether you are or not). You are projecting an image that you don't want to project and that is one of weakness and instability. It's time to focus on you, get yourself together, and get out of this situation. In my opinion, time doesn't need to spent trying to fix this marriage. You just need to pick yourself up, get yourself together, and get out. It's going to take time and patience with yourself to heal from this.......why not start that process now?

[AmberRay]

I have been in a relationship for 3 years. 2 years we have been married. About 2 weeks after we got married, he was a totally different person. The things he said destroyed me. I have lived like this for 2 full years and I have left 3 times. The first was for 2 weeks, the second for 2 days and this last time was for the weekend. Because my mother got social services involved, I was not able to see my 22 month son unsupervised because she believed I was suicidal (which Im not) due to new medicine I was on. Because I was dealing with all that, I felt backed into a corner so I went back.

He has finally admitted that he was abusive and that he said awful things, but he wants to work on it again. I am so scared that this will happen over and over. I had ended up having an emotional affair and ended up physical, which I told my husband expecting him to want a divorce. This however, seemed to actually make him want to try harder.

My question is: Is it possible to heal from the emotional abuse and forgive him and stay with him? How do I get over the things he said and took away?

Hi,

I want to tell you it can work.
You said that after he found out about the affair he wanted to try harder. Maybe he realized just what he was losing and now he realizes how much he wants you.
I have been thru this and it took time, but it did work out. My husband was emotionally abusive to me, but when I went to another man he realized just how bad he wanted to make things work.
Healing isnt easy tho. You have to watch him and look for actions. If he is really trying you will be able to tell. Try and focus on those. But stay on the guard for relapses. Make sure he goes to counseling also. If he really wants to change then he will be able to. I know other people say an abuser cant change but that is wrong. Everyone can change if they want to. If he wants to and he loves you he will change. Also ask yourself if there has been good times. If there has then you have something to build on. My husband and I built on our positive memories and I kept on my guard making sure he was doing his part. Its been 10 yrs now and we are doing great. Stronger than ever and he even thanks me for showing him how bad he was.
Marriage is a great thing and isnt easy. If your husband truly loves you and you love him then you can make it work. But it will take both and you need to make sure he does his part. Healing takes time. But it can be done. Keep your head up.
Also an affair wont help. It will make you feel worse. You are jumping from one relationship to another and not giving yourself time to find yourself if you do decide to leave him. It isnt fair to you or the other person. But people can change. And your husband can change if he loves you and wants to make it work. And maybe knowing you had an affair was what neeed to make him change.
Hugs and god bless you

[kymmylou]

Well, it is good to know that it is possible. Thank you. Im just not sure how to get past it. I am still seeing some of the same behaviors and things that make me walk on "eggshells." In order to apologize, he starts to allow me to spend money. Today he brought me to get my haircut, then bought me a wall hanging. This was all from my check. I know that sounds petty, but after years of having no control over any of the finances, it makes me feel weird.

I also suffer from depression and etc and it seems to have gotten way worse and now I just feel awful about myself. Like to the point I hate myself. I dont want him to have this burden and I still dont understand what made him start treating me this way. Its very confusing. We went out last night to dinner and just talked. No kids, no anything, just us. Towards the end of the evening, he started to be overwhelmed by some people we saw and started to shut down. When I saw that he was starting to sigh, and get irritable it seemed, I busted out in tears. Then had panic attacks the entire way home. I am not sure how to deal with this. And I am very concerned for the kids involved. My son has special needs and I do not want to add to his stress and cause even more regression in what progress he has made. It is so confusing and I hurt so extremely bad.
Hugs to you as well and god bless. I appreciate the advice and thoughts. Its reassuring knowing someone actually cares. I hope you dont judge me for messing up though. That was one thing I was so desperatly scared of. It is so hard for me to admit all this stuff. Please dont think I am a ho or a bad person, please. But I would understand if you did.

[AmberRay]

Why did he use your check? Does he not have any money? Was it an honest good gesture? With my husband I was so used to him doing bad things that I assumed everything was bad. It wasn't. Our marriage counsler helped with that and it helped him. It helped me also appreciate the good things he did do.
The wounds are still fresh so you are gonna feel like this but if you can put it behind you and watch to see if he is changing then in time you'll be ok. you mention having depression and being w burden? Does he feel you are or does he try to help you with it? We learbed in therapy about focusing on the positives. If he is helping you reward him while keeping your guard up.
No one thinks your a uo or bad person. Something was lacking in your marriag. It happens. Now you are at a crossroad to save your marriage or not the first step is letting go. It isn't easy. I know. But if he is remoseeful and you have a family it is worth the effort.
God bless you. You'll be in my prayers.

[kymmylou]

I hadnt seen all the others posts to this and I am sorry for not responding to those. The thing with my mo0m....thats another story. She works for child services and has called them on my son because of bruises that she did not like the explaination for. (he was crawling with a diaper bag strap on his shouldar and rubbed until little blotches came up and turned into bruises. It happens to my legs)

I have told my mother things that has happened. I have stayed with her 2x before because I was trying to leave. Then when I went back for one reason or another (usually because my mom was making things difficult) then she would say things like, "i am starting to have doubts in things being told to me." And even told me at one point not to talk to her about it anymore because she was "getting off of my rollercoaster" (not kidding)

He has emotionally abused my son before and I was able to stop that. I have gotten to the point where I begged him to hit me. It would hurt much less. And those marks atleast go away. Through our marriage he has said things in order to hurt me.
"if you were a good wife, u would appreciate me cooking for you." (i wanted to cook but i was only allowed to cook certain things because he couldnt eat other peoples cooking
hje has always had control of the finances
I was a waitress at one point and he told me i couldnt go back to that because I may as well be a hooker
he would tell me that i mean nothing to my stepdaughters or that they were not mine even though i was the one that stood up fro them when their mother didnt.
my son has been sick since the day he was born and he told me i was a bad mother for thinking something was wrong w my son. he would tell me i was making it up.
he also told me that anyone i had ever dated only wanted sex and didnt actually want me (i gave my virginity to him when we were dating)
he would tell my son that i was leaving for class becaus ei didnt love him (my son) and that i wasnt coming back (my son has separation anxiety disorder even before this)
I wasnt allowed to talk to my friends about stuff going on.
There is more but its hard to put this all down.

I just wish I could understand what I did that started it in the first place.

[kymmylou]

Amber,
My check comes every other week, his comes every week. I have never had control over money at all. He would hand me money and tell me what bill to pay while I was out. Because of this and the fact my son was in the hospital almost every week, my car that i bought before I met him, was repoed.

[AmberRay]

Is he doing that stuff now? You said you stopped some of it. Is he a good father now? If so what changed? And if he is that shows he can change. My husband use to call me every name, beat me and made me feel worthless. When I went to another man, he realized. He got counseling and I seen a side of him. He would sit and cry. He felt remorse. Is your husband doing that? Its important to remember he is human and he may have problems but if he is tackling them and changing then it may be worth an effort. I know that I sound like I advocate abuse but I don't. I just know from my experience my marriage is stronger than ever because I did see changes in my husband and stuck ot out.