[AmberRay]

Thank you. It is much appreciated. I appreciate the support

its my pleasure sweetie. Marriage is hard and even harder when with an abuser. I just always try to show that it can change. But the abuser has to want to and the spouse has to be willing to help. Which is the hardest part. after years of abuse I couldn't understand why I wanted to help him. But when I seen him really trying I decided I should try. Ik glad I did. Of course this doesn't happen for everyone. So it's important to be realistic.
Here is tips I used to cope

Make a list. We talked about itm but you need to do it.

help him. Don't put up with abuse. But don't abuse him. Its easy to beat him up because your wounded.

Reward him when he does good

Find Mutual interests. That will make it easier forgive.

I hope you survive and come out this stronger

[jns]

I am 22 and have suffered from self harm for about 7 years. this is an on and off thing. I have been in counseling on and off since I was 5. Well, in the past 3 years I have been on 5 different medicines for depression and anxiety. Back to regular couinseling. But something new is happening. I have stopped the medicine I was currently in the last 2 days because it was not helping.

Now though, in the last few weeks I have started to have these weird "episodes." Something will happen and I will see something different in my head andf the reaction to it. This makes no sense so I will give an example, yesterday I was at the demolition derby with my 22 month old son. He was playing on the bleachers and a guy walked down next to him. In reality, the guy looked and my son and smiled. In my head, he touched his head and pushed him over, my reaction to that, in my head was to smack that guy in the head. It was so odd. And it has happened similar a couple times. Is this from the prozac I was on or is this yet another thing that I need to worry about?

kymmylou, this adds a lot to the background of what is going on. I urge you to please go back to your doctor so that he or she can work on trying to figure this out.

[kymmylou]

Ok, so I did the list, and he came up with a compromise or a reason for almost every single one. He would be ok with it if I......I wasnt even sure how to handle it. So I just said yes. I do not feel like I had any control in that whatsoever. And even though he said ok, I am scared that I will go to do something and freak because of how he always reacted before. I am just scared.

Also, odd question, is it normal to not want to be intimate? He says he is feeling this reclaiming feeling and all this other stuff and I am not even wanting to be intimate. I havent wanted to for awhile and a lot of that was because of my medicine. But the other part is the abuse, the affair, my emotional feelings etc etc. I am very confused and feel bad.

[AmberRay]

Ok, so I did the list, and he came up with a compromise or a reason for almost every single one. He would be ok with it if I......I wasnt even sure how to handle it. So I just said yes. I do not feel like I had any control in that whatsoever. And even though he said ok, I am scared that I will go to do something and freak because of how he always reacted before. I am just scared.

Also, odd question, is it normal to not want to be intimate? He says he is feeling this reclaiming feeling and all this other stuff and I am not even wanting to be intimate. I havent wanted to for awhile and a lot of that was because of my medicine. But the other part is the abuse, the affair, my emotional feelings etc etc. I am very confused and feel bad.

Then first thing is, were the compromises reasonable? He is still human and wants to have a say. And with your affair , his trust is also gone. He is insecure and also realized how bad he was to you. Now, he could handle it one or two ways. He could become more paranoid and controlling. Which isn't what you want from someone trying to fix their abuse problem. Or he could be looking for new ways to cope and also giving you space. If he is doing that, it says a lot about his intentions. I don't want to discourage you, but your affair complicates it. He now has to tackle fixing himself but also trusting in you. It'll be hard. But can be done. Is he abusing you over the affair? Or does he try and accept his part? That's a big thing.

Sex will be difficult for both of you. My husband went thru the same thing and at times, I felt bad for us doing it. On the other hand, I found it liberating. For the first time since my affair, it was just my husband and I. I didn't feel guilty or dirty afterwards. In fact, with time, our sex life improved. Was it hard? Yeah. I was scared and so was my husband. But, its important to remember sex in a relationship is one big thing that seperates marriage partners from just roomies. And it also may build his confidence back up. And maybe even yours, if you can see the tender side again. Dont rush inton though. But certainly dont downplay the importance of it.

And ask yourself.
What am i doing now to help him fix his problem?
What am i doing to gain his trust and keep him pulled together?
What am i doing for us?
And ask yourself.
Do i see the man i fell in love with and married, shine thru sometimes?
If you do, then there is hope. And hope is a wonderful blessing.
God bless you..

[AmberRay]

Another thing, is your affair completely over? Those can be hard to break from, but if you are still in contact or having the affair, you aren't allowing yourself a chance to heal. I know I done that for awhile.

[kymmylou]

I had broke off the affair totally and then my husband messaged him on facebook. Harrassing him and saying things. He never told me, I found out from a mesage from the other guy. This worried him and it turned into a nasty message back and forth between them. After that, my husband screamed at me. I do know he has accepted his part, however, it seems like no matter how much I admit that it was my fault also, its not good enough.

I am trying to work this out. But I still feel wrong aboput having my gaurd up. And when he kisses me, I dont feel anything, I just want to cry. I love him, but I am not in love with him. I feel like I am wrong no matter which decision I make....

[AmberRay]

I had broke off the affair totally and then my husband messaged him on facebook. Harrassing him and saying things. He never told me, I found out from a mesage from the other guy. This worried him and it turned into a nasty message back and forth between them. After that, my husband screamed at me. I do know he has accepted his part, however, it seems like no matter how much I admit that it was my fault also, its not good enough.

I am trying to work this out. But I still feel wrong aboput having my gaurd up. And when he kisses me, I dont feel anything, I just want to cry. I love him, but I am not in love with him. I feel like I am wrong no matter which decision I make....

you love him. That's a start. Being in love is a choice we make. And when hurt it is easy to not let yourself. Focus on the good times, try and see him for the man you fell in love with. Its hard to do with your guard up tho.
You made the first step was breaking the affair off. You made the first step. Now, its a matter of time and work. If you want to work it out, then you have to let him in alottle. You fell in love with him for a reason. Try and remember those and see them in him each day. Find the good qualities in him. Focus on those.
God bless....

[kymmylou]

I appreciate all your advice.

[nana102008]

Amber - What an inspiration. My husband and I are currently separated and working on reconciling. I dealt with the emotional abuse for over 7 years and finally could not take it anymore. When I would try to talk to him he would accuse me of being a "drama queen" and "too sensitive". I went on anti-depressants without telling him because I knew he would tell me how weak I was. I left 2 months ago while he was at work. I felt bad to leave that way however I was at such an extremely low point that I could not hear one more thing from him. He has made some major changes and recognized more than I ever thought was possible. When I left I had no intention of ever going back because I didn't realize the impact me leaving would have on him so I felt that the marriage had to be over. He has realized that he has suffered from depression and held onto bitterness, anger and negativity for 20 years since his mom died. He actually is able to point out things that he did/said and see them for what they truly. He has gotten information through his employer for us, together and separate, to have counseling and we will be looking for a church home together. We have been able to communicate like we never have. I am cautious and have done research on my own to feel confidant that I will recognize the signs and never allow myself to be treated that way again and to get to such a low point in my life. Many have said to me that it won't work because people cannot really change but I don't believe that. I am very encouraged by you Amber and am very happy that y'all were able to make your marriage work.

Kym - I want to wish you the best of luck. The best advice I can give you is to follow God and your gut feeling. Neither will let you down. You are special and if you don't see that now, I pray for the day you do.

[WickedVegasINk]

I just wish I could understand what I did that started it in the first place.

kym, I see you blaming yourself and I just want to tell you IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT!!! Abuser are going to abuse no matter what you have or haven't done. He is the one at fault, not you.

I'm sorry, but I think you should get out and stay out. Statistically and from my experience abusive partners/spouses don't change. They may seem better for a while, but they usually revert to the same abusive behavior, quite often each time worse than before. The fact that you have left him multiple times and he still treats you badly to me just supports that.

Emotional and mental abuse are just as bad as physical, and just as hurtful. You deserve better than that.

This is all just my opinion. You have to do what you feel is right. But in my opinion the more you go back to him, the more the abusive behavior will continue.

If you still want to continue in your relationship with him, I would at least suggest separating from him unless and until he agrees (and goes through) extensive and intensive couples counseling. I also wouldn't return until you were sure he had truly changed his ways, and that he doesn't go back to treating you the same abusive and controlling way. You deserve to have him treat you with respect, dignity and love. I wouldn't return until he continues to do so for an extended period of time. Set boundaries in your relationship, and make sure he understands that there are lines he just cannot cross if he wants to have a relationship with you. Otherwise he'll keep thinking he can get away with the way he's been treating you, and will more than likely continue to do so.

You deserve kindness, love, respect and understanding. I sincerely hope you get it.